Paid Members Chris B Posted January 21, 2010 Paid Members Posted January 21, 2010 "You shouldn't be here, old man.", he snapped. "This is no place for an old man." The old man ignored him. That is something straight out of Garth Marenghi's Darkplace. Blood...his blood....blood........BLOOD ...and bits of sick.
Moderators Astro Hollywood Posted January 21, 2010 Moderators Posted January 21, 2010 (edited) "You shouldn't be here, old man.", he snapped. "This is no place for an old man." The old man ignored him. Your editing loses a lot of the impact from the full version of that scene: "You shouldn't be here, old man.", he snapped. "This is no place for an old man." The old man ignored him. "Are you deaf as well as old?", snapped Solo. "He did well.", mused the old man. "If only I had had more time to teach him. If only he wasn't hell bent on revenge." "What the hell are you mumbling about?", snapped Solo, grabbing the old man's arm. "Now come on, get out of here!" The old man shot him an icy stare. "Never do that again, young man!" The old man snatched his arm away, and began to walk on Edited January 21, 2010 by Woyzeck
Loki Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I apologise to both yourself and Radcliffe for ruining such a crucial scene.
Moderators neil Posted January 21, 2010 Moderators Posted January 21, 2010 He's painted a literal landscape of an old man there.
WildSybianRider Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 my new favourite - "Nothing we can do can stop them!" "Are you saying there is nothing we can do?"
CurryAngel Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 It's not very good but without criticising it line for line I'm just going to leave you with my favourite couple of lines. It's a beauty which shows just how to calm down a girl who thinks she's being stalked.
organizedkaos Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 It reads like bad erotic fiction, except instead of the two girls having sex some bloke kills them instead.
Paid Members SpursRiot2012 Posted January 21, 2010 Paid Members Posted January 21, 2010 I think you show a lot of potential, keep writing and improving. You'll get there.
children of bodom Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 I think you show a lot of potential, keep writing and improving. You'll get there. thanks. it's nice to know someone out there likes it. i don't want to be a writer i just do it as a hobby. i know its pretty shit by my mates and family like it as for the big chicken. all i can say is that comes from my nan who always says "I ve done you a big Chicken". my mate still says it when she cooks for her kids
WU LYF 4 LYF Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I think you show a lot of potential, keep writing and improving. You'll get there. The whole anti-drugs thing didn't work out, then?
Paid Members SpursRiot2012 Posted January 21, 2010 Paid Members Posted January 21, 2010 I'm just trying to give the guy some encouragement.
children of bodom Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Break his fingers then. fairplay. I didn't force you to read it (if you did)
Paid Members LaGoosh Posted January 22, 2010 Paid Members Posted January 22, 2010 Beastmaster is on Skull Island, studying the giant apes there. Stingray is now running an electronics firm I love that Beastmaster is studying King Kong while Stingray is managing Dixons. Funniest goddamn thing I've seen in ages.
Moderators Astro Hollywood Posted January 22, 2010 Moderators Posted January 22, 2010 How to paint a high-octane action sequence with words. The droned leaned over the desk. He pointed his finger at the woman
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