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anyone wanna read my story?


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#16 Chris B

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 04:13 PM

"You shouldn't be here, old man.", he snapped. "This is no place for an old man."

The old man ignored him.

That is something straight out of Garth Marenghi's Darkplace.

Blood...his blood....blood........BLOOD


...and bits of sick.
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#17 Astro Hollywood

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 04:19 PM

"You shouldn't be here, old man.", he snapped. "This is no place for an old man."

The old man ignored him.


Your editing loses a lot of the impact from the full version of that scene:

"You shouldn't be here, old man.", he snapped. "This is no place for an old man."
The old man ignored him.
"Are you deaf as well as old?", snapped Solo.
"He did well.", mused the old man. "If only I had had more time to teach him. If only he wasn't hell bent on revenge."
"What the hell are you mumbling about?", snapped Solo, grabbing the old man's arm. "Now come on, get out of here!"
The old man shot him an icy stare.
"Never do that again, young man!"
The old man snatched his arm away, and began to walk on


Edited by Woyzeck, 21 January 2010 - 04:20 PM.

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#18 Loki

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 05:34 PM

I apologise to both yourself and Radcliffe for ruining such a crucial scene.

m46Arou.png


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#19 neil

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 05:37 PM

He's painted a literal landscape of an old man there.

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#20 WildSybianRider

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 05:41 PM

my new favourite - "Nothing we can do can stop them!" "Are you saying there is nothing we can do?"

#21 CurryAngel

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 06:00 PM

It's not very good but without criticising it line for line I'm just going to leave you with my favourite couple of lines. It's a beauty which shows just how to calm down a girl who thinks she's being stalked.


“No, he was just standing there, it was so scary”
“lets forget about it now, I’ve cooked your favourite meal, a big roast chicken”


#22 organizedkaos

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 06:49 PM

It reads like bad erotic fiction, except instead of the two girls having sex some bloke kills them instead.
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#23 SpursRiot2012

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 08:17 PM

I think you show a lot of potential, keep writing and improving. You'll get there.

#24 children of bodom

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 11:02 PM

I think you show a lot of potential, keep writing and improving. You'll get there.


thanks. it's nice to know someone out there likes it.

i don't want to be a writer i just do it as a hobby. i know its pretty shit by my mates and family like it

as for the big chicken. all i can say is that comes from my nan who always says "I ve done you a big Chicken". my mate still says it when she cooks for her kids
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#25 WU LYF 4 LYF

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 11:14 PM

I think you show a lot of potential, keep writing and improving. You'll get there.


The whole anti-drugs thing didn't work out, then?
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#26 SpursRiot2012

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Posted 21 January 2010 - 11:44 PM

I'm just trying to give the guy some encouragement.

#27 Mr. Seven

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Posted 22 January 2010 - 12:13 AM

Break his fingers then.

#28 children of bodom

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Posted 22 January 2010 - 12:26 AM

Break his fingers then.


fairplay. I didn't force you to read it (if you did)
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#29 LaGoosh

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Posted 22 January 2010 - 01:54 PM

Beastmaster is on Skull Island, studying the giant apes there. Stingray is now running an electronics firm


I love that Beastmaster is studying King Kong while Stingray is managing Dixons.

Funniest goddamn thing I've seen in ages.

#30 Astro Hollywood

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Posted 22 January 2010 - 03:50 PM

How to paint a high-octane action sequence with words.

The droned leaned over the desk. He pointed his finger at the woman’s head, his finger turned into a spike, and the spike pierced her head.


Even superheroes get sick.

“Where’s Mr. X?”

“He’s been laid low by that damn flu bug.” Chameleon replied. “What with Jim away on leave, we’re very short staffed at the moment.”


Alien anatomy is different to ours.

The body of a Ferengi diplomat had been found. He had been stabbed through the heard.


Much of a muchness.

“Have you any garlic, Mr. Dones?” he asked.

“Not much.” said Dones. “Mina doesn’t like it that much.”


Beats falling into one of those shiny new-fangled alleys.

Another day passed. Watt was very angry. HE was flying at super-speed over London, trying to burn off some of his anger. As he neared full speed, he hit what seemed to be an invisible barrier. Watt had never encountered anything like this before. Quickly, he fell to the ground. He landed in an old alley.


The chaos slight confusion of battle.

Shango turned around again, and this time, was hit squarely on the jaw. He was slightly confused, because no one was standing in front of him.


Dramatic irony.

"And look at that cane!", added Chameleon. "It's surging with energy!"
Then Magus pointed the cane at Supremus.

“You fool!", he sneered. "Have you energy back!"


Did Norris McWhirter verify this??

Death Angel leapt toward Watt, and when he was close, he managed to wrap his huge, feathery wings around him.

The strongest wings in the world.” said Death Angel. “You will suffocate in two minutes!”


Even wizards need to keep up with things innit.

The wizard smiled. From his robes Saruman produced a copy of The Times.


Oh Christ, not this again. Presumably "Julian Radbourne" is Brian Clough's pen name.

"And how does that old man fit into all of this?"

"Any way I choose to, young man.", said a voice.

They whirled to see the old man behind them.


(ran out of quote boxes - later on...)


“This should cool you down, young man!” he said.

“Where have you been, old friend?” asked Stingray.

“I’ve been to see an old friend of mine.” Magus replied.



*quietly sobs*

TZ5B1ee.jpg
Brian Pillman, kayfabe, Hulk Hogan's delusions, Purple Aki, Bill Murray, Ghostwatch, Steven Seagal, Frank Dux, Derek Acorah -- all for the price of a pint.
Smoke & Mirrors and Steven Seagal, �2.99 on Amazon
Amazon's FREE Kindle app for phones, tablets, Mac and PC