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What's the worst date you've ever been on?

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This last one is quality, but the end will only be truely funny if you are aware of who the person is, I will give it a shot, no doubt anyone familiar with him will find it highly amusing. Anyway, I was sat in Bath Abby after an amazing day out date with a girl just relaxing and thinking how well it was going, when an arm grabbed me in a sleeper hold. I didn't recognise this person (abv cos they had me from behind) but they smelt a bit and I noticed a wrinkly old hand. And I started to think fuck who's this? And asked but they wouldn't reply, and the girl started freaking out and looked terrified, as I then thought it was a tramp! The girl then curled up at the end of the bench petrified while I didn't know what to do to remain calm. Then the person let go after what seemed like forever and it was none other than UK wrestling superfan MAD ELI! He knew me from about but was extremely ott for him to get me in a sleeper haha. I was like "what the fuck were you doing?!" but he just gabbled on nonsense about wrestling and goodness knows what as the girl still looked on like wtf. I hadn't explained my interest in wrestling to her and she was baffled that it wasn't a close relative or anyone I really knew as I tried explaining the situation while still flustered. Needless to say thanks to British Wrestling's badge headed embassador she was too freaked out by the crazy episode and we never met again.

 

I hope he was also wearing one of his crazy fucking hats as well!

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The worst date I can remember was at the beginning of term a few years. On the Friday beforehand I had pulled a nice wee Polish lassie who was just new in Glasgow (her English was better than mine, right enough) and my best mate had coincidentally shagged her friend, also from Poland, who she stayed with.

 

So we agree to go on a retarded double-date on the Monday evening - they were big into Guy Ritchie films for whatever reason, so we went to see Rock N Rolla in the cinema. About 15 mins before we were due to meet them, we got off the bus and my mate whipped out a joint. I was a bit wary, but his insistent tone in "aw come on man, it's only one" was too persuasive.

 

The weed he had turned out to be really strong, and we stood outside waiting for them pissing ourselves laughing. They arrived: we laughed the whole time in the queue, we laughed going to find our seats, we laughed through the trailers, we HOWLED with laughter when a trailer for Wall-E came on and my one did a cutesy wee Wall-E impression, and we sat through the entire film trying not to burst out in hysterics whilst hitting each other to try and get the other to do it.

 

They weren't impressed, and we didn't see each other again. It wasn't a particularly bad date, but being with two stoned cabbages is probably not fun for the ladies.

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So if you ever read this mr Singh, im a big fan of your work and not a racist, she on the otherhand, i cannot defend, and hence why i dont go out with her anymore.

This reminds me of something you'd hear in peep show. I dont think I've had a bad date, they've always been with girls I've liked for a while who then I got into relationships with. My friend Josh however...

My two other friends Liam & Sam were fighting in Bexleyheath high street when he walks round the corner with a girl who he had taken out for the first time. he sees our mates fighting with this small group and says "Hold me chips love" which she does. He then runs in and jumps on someone. The fight he didnt mind but getting nicked for GBH he certainly did. As he was being carted off he managed to let her know "I'll call ya tomorrow darlin' keep the chips". Now thats a first date

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Being put in a sleeperhold by Mad Eli. One of the cruelest twists of fate ever. It's like accidently giving Emma Stone a black eye when trying to confess your love for her.

 

My friend thinks a story I had was quite embarrassing though it amuses the fuck out of me. A little setup; I was living with my parents and getting over a girl I dated who moved to another part of the country. I went away to California for two weeks, got laid whilst I was away (which is a funny story in itself) and all the hiking I did whilst I was there meant I'd lost half a stone.

 

So I came back and had been flirting with a friend of a friend on Facebook. She's a lovely girl but I was just interested in a shag and so was she. I felt on fire because even my missteps seemed to work out. We both lived with our parents and I suggested a bit of car sex, which she was up for. I texted my friend to find out where the best place was for a bit of undisturbed car sex. Except, it wasn't him it was her. She found it funny. I was on fire and could do no wrong. I eventually sent the text to the right place and my mate suggested a place over near South Croydon, next to a garden centre and a Travelodge. She picks me up in the car, we're all over each other. I said I'd take her out for some food, I'm a hopeless romantic I know, and afterwards, she's ready to go. We head over to South Croydon, find the place my friend described and get down to business. We're fooling around and everything's amazing, except she's paranoid and thinks that the police might come. I put my wellies on, I go wading through the mud and just as we're starting to fuck, a torch comes through the window. She thinks that it's the police or security from the nearby garden centre. Sadly, it's just doggers. She freaks out, we get back in the front and she drives away scared and frantic. I take her a weird route back and park up, convincing her she isn't being followed. She dropped me home, disappointed.

 

This was the last Friday in September and I was going to Cyprus that Sunday with my parents. They were staying there two weeks, I was there just a week. I had no internet, I told her so she wouldn't think I didn't want to bang her, which I did. The Monday after I got back, 10 days after the car, I send her a message and she tells me the Sunday I went away, she met a lovely guy who seems to be real boyfriend material and they've had three wonderful dates. My plans for my empty house the following Friday were ruined. Strangely, she's married that guy so she probably made the right decision.

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The worst date I can remember was at the beginning of term a few years. On the Friday beforehand I had pulled a nice wee Polish lassie who was just new in Glasgow (her English was better than mine, right enough) and my best mate had coincidentally shagged her friend, also from Poland, who she stayed with.

 

So we agree to go on a retarded double-date on the Monday evening - they were big into Guy Ritchie films for whatever reason, so we went to see Rock N Rolla in the cinema. About 15 mins before we were due to meet them, we got off the bus and my mate whipped out a joint. I was a bit wary, but his insistent tone in "aw come on man, it's only one" was too persuasive.

 

The weed he had turned out to be really strong, and we stood outside waiting for them pissing ourselves laughing. They arrived: we laughed the whole time in the queue, we laughed going to find our seats, we laughed through the trailers, we HOWLED with laughter when a trailer for Wall-E came on and my one did a cutesy wee Wall-E impression, and we sat through the entire film trying not to burst out in hysterics whilst hitting each other to try and get the other to do it.

 

They weren't impressed, and we didn't see each other again. It wasn't a particularly bad date, but being with two stoned cabbages is probably not fun for the ladies.

 

I love this story so much, it makes me want to try drugs............but drugs are bad.......m'kay!

 

I got a couple; I was about 16 and I had been trying for years to get a neighbour to go out with me (a real 'girl next door' story), finally she agreed so I was over joyed, the problem stems from that I didnt understand the point of taking a girl to the cinema ISNT to watch the film, I was given a clue to this when she suggested a film she had already seen.

We went to see South park: the movie and at the time i was a huge south park fan so I spent the entire film with my eyes locked on the screen and completely ignoring her, for all I know she could have left and came back before the end.

For some reason she wasnt impressed and I didnt get a 2nd date......women!?

 

I was working at Tesco and there was a Polish girl there who I always made a point of chatting with, she was super cute and the accent did it for me, eventually I got around to asking her out, instead she suggested I come round to hers for a coffee.

I went round and found out that she rents a room in a house and to save money she shares both the room and a bed with another girl! "This is getting better and better" I thought to myself, we had a coffee and being the ho-bag that I am it didnt take long for the convo to turn racey, kissing followed but it didnt go further as I really liked this girl and wanted to go slow.

The following day at work she was really off with me, I pestered her for a while to find out what was wrong to which she said "I didnt like how you were, you came on too strong", after picking my jaw up from the floor I asked why she didnt say anything at the time and why she carried on to which her reply was "I didnt wanna ruin the mood", WTF!!!

It gets better; after explaining that I wanted to take things slow and if she was uncomfortable at any point she only has to say she agreed to another date, again she said to go around hers and we would watch a dvd and have a beer.

I got round and this time all 3 of us sat on their bed watching V for Vendetta with polish subtitles, after a couple of beers again I made my move but constantly asking if she was ok, more kissing, all was grand and again I left before anything further happened. The next day she's off with me again, this time she's really pissed at me, saying im just like all men and only after one thing. Whilst trying to understand this psycho-bitch behaviour I noticed that her room mate (who also worked at tesco) was also cold towards me, its then that I remember that while I was kissing the first girl i was rubbing the leg of the 2nd girl, whoops!

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The worst date I can remember was at the beginning of term a few years. On the Friday beforehand I had pulled a nice wee Polish lassie who was just new in Glasgow (her English was better than mine, right enough) and my best mate had coincidentally shagged her friend, also from Poland, who she stayed with.

 

So we agree to go on a retarded double-date on the Monday evening - they were big into Guy Ritchie films for whatever reason, so we went to see Rock N Rolla in the cinema. About 15 mins before we were due to meet them, we got off the bus and my mate whipped out a joint. I was a bit wary, but his insistent tone in "aw come on man, it's only one" was too persuasive.

 

The weed he had turned out to be really strong, and we stood outside waiting for them pissing ourselves laughing. They arrived: we laughed the whole time in the queue, we laughed going to find our seats, we laughed through the trailers, we HOWLED with laughter when a trailer for Wall-E came on and my one did a cutesy wee Wall-E impression, and we sat through the entire film trying not to burst out in hysterics whilst hitting each other to try and get the other to do it.

 

They weren't impressed, and we didn't see each other again. It wasn't a particularly bad date, but being with two stoned cabbages is probably not fun for the ladies.

 

Quite similar to this story, I had a free house recently and as per usual I stacked up on weed preparing to do absolutely nothing throughout the whole week. A mate of mine came over, as he usually does when I have a free gaff, and we proceeded to get extremely high whilst sinking a few beers. The plan for that night was initially for us to meet up with 2 girls we were both seeing and go out for a meal, but they instead decided to go out with their other pals. Assuming we had been fobbed off, we thought getting high was the best solution, and did just that. At the peak of our highness, my pal gets a txt from the girl he is seeing asking what we are up too, to which my mate replies he's round mine, chilling out with a couple of beers watching the football (this was during the world cup) thinking they wouldnt fancy coming round......we were wrong. They kept on hinting that they wanted to come over, and with us being both a little worse for ware we decided it would be a good idea, esspecially if we could get them on the weed (which has somewhat been a fantasy for the both of us).

 

After realising we were both acting pretty retarded due to the weed, and the fact our eyes we're red as hell, we casually let the girls know via txt what we'd been doing, so they didnt turn up thinking we were weird. To our suprise, the girl I was seeing didn't have a problem with it and said she'd happily join in!

 

By the time the girls arrived we were both pretty monged out watching the football in darkness, the stoned banter a distant memory which of course, made us lousy company. The girls were pretty much talking between themselves rather animated, whilst in stark contrast both me and my pal we're pretty much dead on our feet. After the football finished, we kind of had no choice but to engage in conversation with the girls, but found it hard to do so considering our brains were officially fried. What's more, we then decided it would be a good idea to liven ourselves up, by having a vodka redbull and more weed.

 

In theory it worked, both me and my mate definately did come back to live, but were now a crazy hybrid of stoned/ pissed with loads of energy and started having a great time...but it was only me and my mate Jack who were finding things funny. Family guy came on tv and I think that was the final straw for the girls who had attempted to cuddle up to both of us, but we were too busy laughing at Family guy and making weird noises to one another.

 

We still occasionally see the girls out now...but that night definately set us back!

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Ehh.....probably the time I went on a blind date set up by a "mate" of mine. Got on like a house on fire, she ticked all the right boxes for me: she was clever, funny, loved classical music, the works. I walk her home, and she's about to invite me in when I I hear over my shoulder "Oi, what you doing with my sister? Thought you were queer?"

 

It was the guy that'd bullied me all the way through school. I promptly made my excuses and left.

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Not so much of a date, but more the aftermath of a sort of date.

 

This story is so much more horrific than it seems, but I can't go into all the details. I was out one night at Marthas in Pompy, when I caught the attention of a blonde. She seemed sweet and we had a good drink and dance. I wasn't looking for much as my heart had recently been shat on. The more she drank the more 'affectionate' she got. Like I said she was lovely and seemed like fun but she wasn't that great in the looks dept. and really not my type. I managed to keep her literally off me all night and I said my goodbyes, exchanged e.mail and thought that was it, I was free. Off I toddled to the boat, texting friends about my epic escape. As I sit on the boat I notice the reflection of said blonde, also getting onto the boat. Bricks were being shat and like some sort of drunken concrete slab I attempted to what I later referred to as 'Metal Gear-ing' it around the boat in order to escape this mad womans clutches. She spots me, I act like I haven't seen her and sink into a seat while she sits with her friends. I made sure she got off the boat first and that was my night.

She e.mailed, and e.mailed some more, and I did reply a couple of times but she was coming across so desperate to meet up I ended up ignoring her and it eventually stopped.

 

Fast forward a year, I meet a guy and it's time to introduce the family. "And this is my sister."

 

....

 

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Not my date but it was a horrible date I was on. Loophole.

 

My step brother had been interested in a girl for a while but held off asking her out because of the age gap, she was 17 he was 22.

Now, he set up a "date" in inviting her to a gig (he goes to loads and I did too at this point) and she agreed. Like most times he offered me a ticket and I accepted because I liked the band (Kids In Glass Houses) and thought it would be cool meeting one of his friends (I didn't know it was a date).

He starts talking about her on the train, describing her etc. I then asked if he asked her to come. He had. I explained that this was pretty much a date and he agreed but found it comforting that if it didn't go well, the girl wouldn't know it was a date.

 

Now I don't flirt, and I don't go looking for girls. But I was 17, so was she. At the gig we talked alot, I made her laugh and my step brother was also talking to her as they had Uni in common, but every question would then be directed to me by her. This annoyed my step brother but he didnt show it. At the end of the gig we stood around, all three of us chatting. We then walked to the train station and had to split, my step brother stops and they share an awkward hug, he then walks off in search of the train expecting me behind him, but I was saying my own awkward goodbye. I was about to walk off and I looked behind me to see her do the same thing and we both went red, I then pretty much legged it to where my step brother was. For ages he was convinced that something happened between us and he wouldnt tell me gigs he was going to that might involve her.

 

He then goes to Leeds festival with mates and the girl. First thing she asks is if I'm coming, apparently he pretty much barked "No!" before correcting himself and saying "Think he's busy."

 

I havnt spoken to her this day and shes one of the prettyest girls I've seen.

 

 

Numero 2, short but sweet. Growing up (13-16) I had the greasy hair, baggy jeans and band t shirts. As did my friends. My friend Edd had started going out with a girl and we went in to town. About 40 mins in we were outside McDonalds, she looks in the window, see's two of her mates, looks at Edd and says "It's not going to work." and off she walks inside. He didn't think it was funny....

Edited by Kata Ha Jime

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mattbro1984 just reminded me of a horrific incident with my ex (were still mates but this story is fucked) after a date with a couple she knew.

 

We were at her mates in the spare bedroom and things got a bit frisky and she was starting to jack me off but she pulled down WAYYYYY to hard accidently, I felt some substance running down my legs. BLOOD.. BLOOD.... BLOOD.. MORE BLOOD... luckily no bits of sick. I run to the toilet across her mates wooden floor (leaving a trail of cock blood) and into the toilet which was the size of a cupboard. I've been grasping and holding the end of my lad at this point and decided to let go to get some bog roll to stop the flow. I let my hand go and a massive sexxy eddy style shot of blood flies off and hits the wall, in my shock I do a full turn to the toilet, firing along at the wall as I turn. Because my missus got me so damn hard the blood flow was naturally not planning on stopping. I ended making the bathroom look like the pig scene from Carrie.

 

It doesn't end there, I was still bleeding and was in work in about 6 hours so I needed some sleep somehow. What was my grand idea to stop this bloodflow while I slept. ELASTOPLAST, fucking genius is me. Anyway I crown my lad with about 6 or 7 plasters around the circumfrence of the old boy and somehow got some sleep while my concerned missus apologised over and over. I walked home like John Wayne being the receiver and sneaked upstairs to the toilet to remove the plasters and see the damage. Ever tried ripping plasters off your Johnny B. Goode? No.... sure, it fucking kills. I slowly pulled the epic pain away and to my horror my now flacid little fella was bleeding again. I did the only thing a then 21 year old would do. "Mum.... Mum" I shouted like a total fucking arse. I briefed my ma, she came in, looked the wounded right in the eye and suggested maybe you should go hospital, just in case. I went on the bus (speed humps are a bitch) and walked into the hospital.

 

I had to tell the woman on reception without a fucking hint of shame or irony what I did. She didn't laugh (she must get dicks literally like this all the time). The sheet I had to give to the nurse said and I quote "Reason for Visitation: Problems with Penis". Beautiful. Anyway I go and the nurse tells me to to get changed in the surgical gown. While I'm lying there taking in the last several unfortunate hours this heffa of a nurse walks in with surgical gloves on. OH GOD, OH JESUS CHRIST, like Woodward in the Whickerman, I think to myself, pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee do not get a lob on when she starts checking out the damaged goods pleaseeee don't. Luckily she didn't get the worlds most unpleasant money shot, wrapped the old war hero in athletic dressing and I got the week off because I couldn't bend down or walk. Still my boss at work is mates with my mum, and she only actually told him what I did rather than make some excuse. Work was embarassing next monday, and my ex learnt how to masturbate with a bit more care. And Norman Bates was right. A boys best friend is his fucking mother.

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Not one of mine and I don't know the whole story, but a friend from uni once went out with this girl he was absolutely crazy about, anyway his girl went round to his place and caught him in a drunken state with his flatmate is a state of undress and started to read him a riot act. Turned out he had an irregular heartbeat from too much red bull/ vodka and red bull and was in the middle of a massive panic attack. She took him to the hospital upon where he was kept in overnight, the old man in the bed opposite asked for the curtains to be drawn and proceeded to masterbate.

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Not me, but whilst i was out with said person:

 

I was out on the lash with mate of mine, who although can drink alot, doenst handle it very well. His misses was out with him, although swiftly left after a few hours due to his drunkness.

 

After another few hours we left the local club to see his misses across the road. Now he was proper plastered, so he ran across the road. A wee bit of plot here is that directly across from the club is some houses, (bad times for them with a nightclub beign about 15ft away), but my mate ran across the road, tripped up the curb and went head first into the front wall of one of the houses.

 

Now when i say it was a load bang when he hit it, you may get the idea when i say the bloke who lvied in the house was in bed and heard him hit his front wall, so came out side to check.

 

Basically he'd KO'ed himself in front of his (now ex) girlfriend, and me and another mate had to take him up the hospital. When there they pumped his stomach and kept him in overnight. The funnier part of this story for me was, aparently he awoke to see a nurse sitting in a chair at the end of his bed to make sure he was still alive, although when he woke up.......he thought it was some random bird, and he wa at home, so started crying because he thought he'd cheated on his misses.

 

In the end he was released, and his misses dumped him for being a massvie drunken fool.

 

Shame!

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