HarmonicGenerator

DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities

22

Davina McCall

(2009 ranking: 8. Down 14)

What's she famous for?

TV presenting, million pound dropping.

And you think she's a twat because...

It's the first female nominee to make the list, but when it comes to ire and vitriol, the UKFF seems to be all about gender equality; you hate Davina just as much as any bloke. But TUFCfan, who ranked her at #2, is optimistic: "One benefit of Big Brother ending is that we might see less of her on TV..." Probably not, though; McCall is another of those celebrities that appears just as you least expect it and SHOUTS REALLY LOUDLY TO CONVEY EVEN THE SLIGHTEST EXCITEMENT PARTICULARLY IF SHE'S PRESENTING THE MOST TEDIOUS DRIVEL CHANNEL 4 HAS EVER PRODUCED. "I don't know," adds opcws (who ranked her at #7), "maybe a middle-aged woman giggling at dirty words, confusing jokes with loud talking and generally acting like a slaggy 14-year-old in a car park post-bottle of White Lightning would be funny if you didn't remember that she was someone's mother. But probably not."

Was she voted a Top Twat (#1 Twat)?

No.

And so to summarise, Davina McCall is worse than...

Being presented with a million pounds (cash), then literally dropping it. In runny horse shit.

DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities

23

Chris Moyles

(2009 ranking: 10. Down 13)

What's he famous for?

Being on the radio.

And you think he's a twat because...

I feel quite bad about this one because he's currently in the middle of doing a big 37-hour marathon presenting session for Comic Relief, but, well, you voted for him, so... "I don't quite get the appeal of this moron," says Nexus (who ranked him at #10). "He's fat and he shouts. That's about all I can get... his fucking morning show on the fucking terrible Radio 1 is bullshit. He isn't funny." Rave (who ranked him at #9) clearly agrees with this: "Unfunny TWAT!" Meanwhile, The Dart (who ranked him at #6) "would pay money for him to fuck off forever."

Was he voted a Top Twat (#1 Twat)?

No.

And so to summarise, Chris Moyles is worse than...

Having to listen to Radio 1 for 37 consecutive hours...

DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities

24

Jeremy Kyle

(2009 ranking: did not place)

What's he famous for?

Shouting at people on television, providing students with something to watch in the morning.

And you think he's a twat because...

"Usually I like an arsehole telling other arseholes what arseholes they are, but Kyle is so unbelieveably smug... What a wanker", says Spotlightmagnet1, who ranked Kyle at #9. jimufctna24, who ranked him at #5, agrees, calling Kyle a "judgmental and condersending wankek". I don't know what a wankek is - it may just be a typo - but it sounds like it would be a level above your average ground-level wanker, and that certainly corresponds to your opinions of Kyle. "What do you say about some one who instantly conjures up the word cunt?" asks patdfb (who ranked him at #9), who continues, "[Kyle] tries to hard to be a saviour... comes across as a wanker instead. "Fuck off you tosser," adds The Natural (who ranked Kyle at #8).

In summary, let's go to Dead Mike (who ranked Kyle at #6), who offered his opinion in a single word: "Cunt".

Was he voted a Top Twat (#1 Twat)?

No.

And so to summarise, Jeremy Kyle is worse than...

The degradation and debasement of British society and culture as represented by his programme and those who appear on it. To wit:

DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities

And now, for your delectation (or disappointment if you voted for them), the first batch of Nearlytwats - celebrities who received votes, but did not accrue enough points to get onto the Twatlist itself.

In approximately alphabetical order:

Alan Sugar, Arsene Wenger, Axl Rose, Colin Firth, JLS ("specifically that little backflipping twat who looks like a Manga character. Wish he'd backflip off a fucking cliff." - Magnum), Kate Nash, Lee Evans, Lindsay Lohan, Rufus Hound (""But he did that dance! Dressed as a woman! For charity!" Yep, and has been as smug about that as he is about everything else in the universe... Rufus Hound now has literally nothing to offer the world of culture. At all." - opcws), Sting, The Wonga Man, and Zach Braff ("the single most unlikeable actor I think I've ever seen. From his cancerous turn in Scrubs as the vile JD to his disgusting disease-ridden Generation X-aping Garden State to pretty much anything he ever gets involved in, the mutant taints the very celluloid that captures him. A loathsome creature, worthy of nothing." - Mr. Seven).

Coming tomorrow - numbers 24 - 22! ZOMG!

DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities

25

Bono

(2009 ranking: 6. Down 19)

What's he famous for?

Hello, hello-o... singing in U2.

And you think he's a twat because...

He is, says TUFCfan (who ranked him at #6), "the world's most annoying humanitarian." "Everything", Nexus (who ranked him at #7) continues, "from his sunglasses to his accent to his slicked back hair makes me want to punch him in the face and break his massive conk." Not even campaigning for world peace and global warming and that song that Johnny Cash covered and everything else rescues Bono from being widely regarded as a twat.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. In a completely unrelated matter, here's a picture of Bono (not really Bono) next to a giant shit.

Was he voted a Top Twat (#1 Twat)?

No.

And so to summarise, Bono is worse than...

Getting an unbearable and prolonged itch in the genital area while in a public place. Scratching it, being thrown out of said public place, getting home and finding out it's lice. And it still won't stop itching.

DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities

26

Simon Cowell

(2009 ranking: did not place)

What's he famous for?

Talent show judging and attempted monopolisation of the popular music industry.

And you think he's a twat because...

Described by Spotlightmagnet1 (who voted him at #3) as "a self indulgent cockring who loves the sound of his own voice", The Dart (who ranked him at #10) explains that Cowell, among other things, "ruined the fun and excitment of the Christmas pop charts. His dominance in the media and the pop charts is depressing." Cowell changed television, Saturday night entertainment, and pop music, and none of them for the better, many would claim, but the cash keeps piling in, and people keep watching his shows no matter how turgid and stagnant they become, so he doesn't give a shit, and he wants you to know this, and to wish you had a fraction of his high-trousered money-guzzling success. Dead Mike, who also ranked Cowell at #3, considers him "someone who doesn't get a fraction of the disdain he deserves in my book. Got borderline mental health issues and a misplaced sense of talent/ambition? Come on in. Got an above average amount of talent but a mildly sympathetic story? Come on in... The man's no better than people showing dancing bears or getting alcoholics to bite the heads off chickens in freak-shows gone by."

Was he voted a Top Twat (#1 Twat)?

No.

And so to summarise, Simon Cowell is worse than...

Having people talk to you about fucking nothing but fucking X-Fucking-Factor for three fucking months every fucking year, and then watching it one night to see what all the fuss is about, and getting sucked in, and without any conscious knowledge, becoming a fucking fan of the fucking thing, and realising that Cowell's now got you completely under his fucking thumb too, WITHOUT YOU EVEN REALISING. The bastard.

DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities

27

Russell Howard

(2009 ranking: did not place)

What's he famous for?

Large-scale arena stand-up, BBC Three programmes, doing silly voices.

And you think he's a twat because...

"Why are all modern comedians called fucking Russell these days?" wonders Magnum. BiffingtonClyro, who ranked Howard at #5, adds, "He is soooooo funny!!11! and really freaking cute!!1! Do you like jokes about animals? You'll fucking love this cunt. He blinks so much you would think he is constantly walking through a very strong gale." Magnum elaborates, "Howard is another of the Michael McIntyre school of comedians who've learned that the content of your jokes isn't anywhere near as important as how funny you find them yourself. It's been said that a great comedian can make people laugh simply by reading a phonebook. Russell Howard proves that if you can make yourself laugh by reading a phonebook, and possibly pull some silly faces while you're doing it, you can sell out arenas.

Didn't even manage to get my choices in for that as it fell off the front page so quickly I just forgot.

We must be using different forum views then because it's been on the front page of Off Topic for the last two weeks for me!

I should point out that I'm quite happy with the thread not being pinned, but I'm touched that Gladstone would offer his 67p. He's a heartwarming fellow.

Last entry for today.

DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities

28

Liam Gallagher

(2009 ranking: 17. Down 11 places)

What's he famous for?

Music, being from Manchester, not liking his brother.

And you think he's a twat because...

His ego probably has a great deal to do with this. His ego is big. It's huge. Massive. It's bigger than Jesus (but not as good as The Beatles). Gladstone Small succinctly sums up his thoughts on the twat as follows - "Rock & Roll Cunt." And after that, Gladstone, what else is to be said?

Was he voted a Top Twat (#1 Twat)?

No.

And so to summarise, Liam Gallagher is worse than...

Noel Gallagher, who didn't make the list?

(You put Ricky Gervais again, may want to change that)

That'll teach me to try and save time with copying and pasting. I declare myself number 1 twat.

DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities

29

Jack Whitehall

(2009 ranking: 23. Down 6 places)

What's he famous for?

Comedy and stupid, stupid hair. Look at it! It's ridiculous! Get a haircut!

And you think he's a twat because...

He's not just a twat, according to El Espanacas, who ranked him at #6, he's a "grandmaster twat". A level above ordinary twattishness. Stand-up comedy is a subjective thing at the best of times, but unless you're a student who thinks exactly like Jack Whitehall, you either don't find him funny or are a strange, strange individual. Look at him with his skinny jeans and his extraordinarily middle class stories and his stupid, stupid, stupid hair. Perhaps it's not Jack you hate, perhaps it's the idea of him. Perhaps you were at uni, and you graduated, and immediately realised that the vast majority of students both looked and acted like utter twats, and then you saw Jack Whitehall looking and acting like a student on TV and all that loathing and resentment bubbled up your gullet like every skinny-jeaned stupid-haired hangover you've ever had and just stop talking and go back to the Student Union, Jack, and take your stupid hair with you. "Grandmaster twat" indeed.

Was he voted a Top Twat (#1 Twat)?

No.

And so to summarise, Jack Whitehall is worse than...

Going to stay at a mate's, and discovering that all the kitchen and bathroom surfaces are covered with an encrusted layer of grime and fuzz, even the crockery and the glasses, and you can't think of any way to not use either room, and oh god, is that pubic hair around the circumference of the sink, I'm never ever taking my shoes off in this house ever, and then you realise you need to shit and your arse and hands are going to have to make prolonged contact not only with the toilet and its rim of toffee-coloured dried piss, but also with every other arse that toilet has ever been with.

Well, here we go. It'll be another Top 30, and every so often (maybe after every fifth entry) I'll throw in a few Nearly Twats who didn't quite make the list.

DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities

30

Ricky Gervais

(2009 ranking: did not place)

What's he famous for?

Comedy and smugness. Mainly smugness.

And you think he's a twat because...

"Let's be honest," says patdfb (who ranked Gervais at #4), "if acting like a wanker permanently is some kind of act, then more fool him for coming across as a sanctimonious cunt. Painfully unfunny and unendearing, pretty much the same in everything he does and I wouldn't shed a tear if he said he was retiring forever and moving to a cave in Idaho to become a hermit." Gervais' smug smuggy smug smugness, coupled with his overwhelming ubiquity (something that'll come up again and again in this list), appearing on programmes like The One Show on an almost weekly basis, poisoning every facet of the international media with his stupid little tics and his inane aren't-I-brilliant laugh, make him an obvious Twatlister for many, who point out that he's still coasting off a single character he created a decade ago, meaning the lines where Gervais-the-person and Gervais-the-intolerable-wankpot meet have become virtually indistinguishable. Hollywood seems to have turned on him, but when will Britain? Probably never, so over to Nexus, who ranked Gervais at #9, for the last word... "He's a fat, probably smelly, ugly, unfunny twat faced mong."

Was he voted a Top Twat (#1 Twat)?

No.

And so to summarise, Ricky Gervais is worse than...

Actually working in an office BUT NEVER LEAVING.

do you have to send a rant with them or just a list of names?

Whatever you prefer. You get a shot at fame, glory and catharsis if you include rants, but just names is absolutely fine and your votes still count and everything.

We're into the home stretch of stage 1 ... voting closes in just over 4 hours.

Also, I'm going to keep the countdown in this thread unless Powers That Be tell me otherwise.

1 day left to put your nominations in. Cleetus, matey, I'm looking in your direction and wondering, were you in the process of compiling a list?

 

 

Stat time! At present only a third of the twats from the 2009 list have made it in this year. (approximate figure)

 

Can't remember who I nominated. Any chance of sending my PM back to remind me or is like those kids programmes where they say they can't return your letters?

It is done. (assuming you meant this year's list and not any list you may have sent in 2009)

1 day left to put your nominations in. Cleetus, matey, I'm looking in your direction and wondering, were you in the process of compiling a list?

Stat time! At present only a third of the twats from the 2009 list have made it in this year. (approximate figure)

If I email my list do you just want the attachment in word its fucking long. Also I only have two footballers and one come.... no actually scrap that James Corden is not a comedian.

However you want to do it... Attachment would be fine.

How long? Less than 50 pages, I hope?

One weekend left to get your Twat Ballots in! Two more days! If you want to vote, vote this weekend, because it won't count if your nominations are late.

So far a grand total of 122 different twats have been nominated, and there's everything to play for in the top 10...

Looking forward to the results of this, seriously hope nobody's voted for John Bishop.

 

But he's a twat?

 

 

Question. When the countdown proper begins, should I keep it in this thread or start a new one just for the countdown? Thoughts?

 

Without sounding precious about it, he's really not. He's a top, top bloke & a great comic.

I must respectfully disagree. I'm not a fan . Sorry. I'm not the only one, though - he has been nominated on a few Twat Ballots - but currently not enough to place him very highly.

Was that a spoiler? Anything can change - send your twat ballots in now to keep John Bishop off the list / get him to number 1! (delete as appropriate)

Looking forward to the results of this, seriously hope nobody's voted for John Bishop.

But he's a twat?

Question. When the countdown proper begins, should I keep it in this thread or start a new one just for the countdown? Thoughts?

Well I've sent my ballot and as I said earlier, it's the ranking of them which proves the difficult task.

I have to compliment you on the title of your PM. Can't believe I didn't think of the phrase "Twat Ballot". It rolled off the screen and into my heart.

I second Blackson and Seven - Frankie's not wrong...

I've just sent my twat list off. That was strangely therapeutic...I feel much better for it now!

Email received.

We've now just about reached halfway in the voting - 87 twats nominated in total, that three horse race at the top has been increased to five, and there are some magnificent rants from people thus far. Never have I seen such diverse use of swear words.

PM sent. I missed the first twatlist but reading through it has been an absolute treat. If anyone hasn't I strongly urge them to do so, top entertainment.

Thanks. I hope the new list will be just as good - but for that to happen we need more votes! Just over a week to go, people. Come on Waterboy and crawlingwest, get those lists in!

Also, not nearly enough people have nominated John Bishop or Fearne Cotton. This needs to be rectified.

The story so far:

68 different twats have been nominated up to now, and it's currently a three twat race for the top spot.

But we need more! More nominations! More twats! Get your votes sent in!

You've got this weekend, and all of next week, so there's still time - but get them sent!

My vote goes to the WONGA!! man.

Good choice. He's possibly worse than the Go Compare man.