Richard Herrings Emergency Questions -- Your Answers

[JNLister]

For those who don't know, comedian Richard Herring does a live podcast with a comedy/celeb guest each week and has a bank of "emergency" questions, supposedly in case the conversation dries up, but now almost always included. They're all a bit odd, so let's see your answers. (Clarification included where it's been developed over the series.)

 

Would you rather have a ham hand or an armpit that could dispense suncream?

 

(The ham hand grows back at the same rate as fingernails, so you can nibble on it, but if you eat it in one go it'll take a while to be usable again. The suncream is only enough for you and your family's needs.)

 

Would you rather have a tit that dispenses talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time? If the latter, how would you use it?

 

(The talcum powder is an endless supply so you can sell it. With the finger, you can feel whatever it touches, and your brain will see as if you were looking through the end of the finger.)

 

Have you ever seen a ghost?

 

Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?

 

As you lay dying, which celebrity would you want to stroke your hair?

 

Would you rather date a man who was a six foot penis or a man whose penis was another tiny man?

 

(The six foot penis has a face but is otherwise anatomically a penis, including a spouthole atop his head/helmet. The little man has an independent personality and is facing up.)

 

 

[HarmonicGenerator]

Would you rather have a ham hand or an armpit that could dispense suncream?

 

Suncream armpit. Couldn't have a dog if I had a ham hand.

 

Would you rather have a tit that dispenses talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time? If the latter, how would you use it?

 

Talcy tit, by default because I can't see the use of the finger for me.

 

Have you ever seen a ghost?

 

No, and I'm scared of it ever happening.

 

Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?

 

No, but hearing the story on Never Mind The Buzzcocks about Marilyn Manson always led me to believe it can be done if you have one of your vertebrae removed.

 

As you lay dying, which celebrity would you want to stroke your hair?

 

Newsreader Moira Stewart. My first love. She'd soothe me as I died.

 

Would you rather date a man who was a six foot penis or a man whose penis was another tiny man?

 

Tiny man penis. My date is presumably wearing trousers, and providing we don't go all the way, tiny man's not going to be much of an issue.

 

 

That was odd.

[Sergio Mendacious]

Would you rather have a ham hand or an armpit that could dispense suncream?

Suncream — it's an unwanted expense, whilst ham is generally cheap and plentiful. If it's that fancy Spanish ham, I'd revisit the issue. Also, our cat has a bit of ham mania about him, whilst I've never known him to eat sunscreen.

Would you rather have a tit that dispenses talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time? If the latter, how would you use it?

Timefinger, definitely. Traveling through time would be the ultimate journey, whilst I've not ever knowingly used talc.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Nope, it's the sight that I fear most.

Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?

Nah, I'm not limber enough.

As you lay dying, which celebrity would you want to stroke your hair?

Salma Hayek, just to say I'd seen her.

Would you rather date a man who was a six foot penis or a man whose penis was another tiny man?

Tiny man. I don't want to be seen out with a giant penis man.

•  

[HarmonicGenerator]

I've half a mind to nominate that for Post of the Year, just for the Des'ree reference.

[Surf Digby]

Would you rather have a ham hand or an armpit that could dispense suncream?

I don't care for either, but I think a ham hand would be really impractical, so I'll go with the summertime armpit.

 

Would you rather have a tit that dispenses talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time? If the latter, how would you use it?

Time travel, no question. Think of the things you could see first hand. Ancient Egypt. The hysteria of the moon landings as they happened. Jesus. Dinosaurs. Woodstock. Mozart.

 

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Possibly. I used to work in a nightclub that over the years was a police station, abattoir, hops drying house, and God knows what else. Lots of people experienced weird things, but it was one of those old creaky buildings where sound carries weirdly and the abundance of mirrors everywhere left over from the 80s meant that you'd constantly catch glimpses of people out the corner of your eye.

There was an incident when someone or something tried to smash it's way in through the fire doors, even though the CCTV showed that there was nobody there. That shit a few people up, and we never found a rational explanation for it.

 

Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?

I was a skinny bendy lad as a teenager. I'll say no more.

 

As you lay dying, which celebrity would you want to stroke your hair?

Lorraine Kelly. She's got a great "comforting aunt" quality, and would probably slip me a shortbread or two.

 

Would you rather date a man who was a six foot penis or a man whose penis was another tiny man?

The second. It'd be like a live action version of Wicked Willy.

[Onyx2]

The most recent episode with Lou Sanders (never heard of her) was unbearable. The only one I've had to switch off. Her wacky drug stories were tedious and laughing after every line drove a nail through my skull.

[Grecian]

Would you rather have a ham hand or an armpit that could dispense suncream?

 

Suncream. I've got two kids, so thinking of the money-saver.

 

Would you rather have a tit that dispenses talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time? If the latter, how would you use it?

 

Time-traveling finger. Does anyone still use talc?

 

Have you ever seen a ghost?

 

Yes. The house I grew up in was haunted, and around half ten each night, a little old lady would walkalong the hallway at the top of the stairs. Never got warm, either. First time I saw her I was about 8. The top floor of the house never got warm, despite having central heating and double-glazing. My mum saw her a few times as well.

 

Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?

 

I can't even touch my toes. I've got no chance.

 

As you lay dying, which celebrity would you want to stroke your hair?

 

Brian Blessed. That voice announcing me into the afterlife would be an entrance of Undertaker-at-Wrestlemania proportions.

 

Would you rather date a man who was a six foot penis or a man whose penis was another tiny man?

 

Little man.