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Keith Houchen

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Posts posted by Keith Houchen

    Paul Hardcastle's Domestic Football 18/nuh nuh nuh 19

    in Off Topic

    Posted

    Here is the story, for those who don't know it.  I fucking love Roy Keane.

     

    I’m 24 years old, I’ve just been signed by the reigning European champions, and it’s gone to my head. Specifically, I’ve bought myself an Aston Martin, and I’m driving round Hale Barns in Manchester with the windows down, sunglasses on, elbow resting on the sill, steering with two fingers, speed garage blasting out of the stereo.

    I don’t even like speed garage. I’m certainly not sure I like this car. A little voice deep down keeps telling me that an Aston Martin really isn’t me, but a louder voice is telling me that as an England international playing up front for Liverpool the old rules no longer apply. Big voice: Peter, you’ve never looked cooler. Little voice: Peter, you’re a monstrous bell-end. And so I’m cruising around, trying to convince myself I look like Steve McQueen or Daniel Craig, ignoring the old Peter telling me I’ve become everything I swore I wouldn’t, and I pull up at a set of traffic lights and there’s Roy Keane in his car right next to me.

    Ah, there’s a man who understands my vibe. Fantastic footballer, winner of multiple league titles and FA Cups and League Cups and the Champions League, captain and heartbeat of Manchester United through the most successful period in their history. I give him a nod. I give him a wink. I may even point my index finger at him and make a clicking sound at the same time. All of it saying, you and me, eh, Roy? Same game, same level. In it together. Rivals yet friends who just haven’t met before. Alright, Roy?

    He looks back at me. Even through my shades I cannot miss the disgust on his face. It’s like he’s looking at something which has just curled out of the backside of his dog Triggs. He shakes his head and stares back at the road ahead. I’m frozen in my pose, grin slipping off my face, and when the lights change and he drives off without a backward glance I’m left there with the handbrake on and an awful realisation: oh my God, I’ve become one of those twats.

    I sold the Aston Martin the next day. A £25,000 hit on it, and I considered myself lucky. All because of Roy Keane – Roy, as my absent conscience, Roy as a modern-day footballer’s spiritual guide.

    That moment at that set of traffic lights was the best thing that ever happened to me… Even in the brief period of ownership I didn’t want to drive it to Liverpool’s training ground, because it felt obscene gunning it through the struggling areas around Melwood, waving under the noses of all those Liverpool fans how much money I was making compared to them. Taking it to the shops I felt like a fool, because who goes to pick up some milk and a loaf of sliced bread in a sports car that can do 0–60mph quicker than you can swipe your loyalty card?

     

     

    Chippy Tea

    in Off Topic

    Posted

    Was in town today so went to to the finest chippy in Manchester, one that's gotten a lot of love in this thread.  Wright's Traditional.

    IMG_0070

    Unfortunately, the people you see behind the sandwich board were queueing for food.  So we went and did what we needed to do in town and waited for the lunchtime rush to die down.

    So worth the wait.

    For the gentleman, Sausage and chips.  For the lady, chips, cheese and beans.  

    IMG_0072IMG_0071

     

    It's been a while, welcome back, old friend.

    All Things RAMSAY!!

    in Off Topic

    Posted

    Just now, tiger_rick said:

    I loved the UK Kitchen Nightmares but I've never dared watch the yank version because their reality TV shows are just so fucking cringey. Is it good?

    Yeah, it's well skill.  Does that thing of showing what's coming up after the break before an ad break, then recapping what happened before the break when they return but it's ace.

    All Things RAMSAY!!

    in Off Topic

    Posted

    2 minutes ago, Porkchopcash said:

    Thought this was going to be related to Neighbours! Was looking forward to Henrys best bits.

    There always has to be a Mona, doesn't there.  He's no Grant Mitchell.

     

    (Double post because that joke deserves it)

    All Things RAMSAY!!

    in Off Topic

    Posted

    1 minute ago, Chest Rockwell said:

    Ramsay's YouTube video on how to cut an onion properly changed my life. Big props

     

     

    ""Three fingers, one in front, two behind" properly changed my life too.  Amirite ladies?

    All Things RAMSAY!!

    in Off Topic

    Posted · Edited by Keith Houchen

    In honour of my new avatar, and at the behest of Chest.  Lets talk RAMSAY!!!

    Kitchen Nightmares is the shit.  Yes it's the same thing every week but by god it's entertaining.  Amy and her dodgy husband were the best episode they've had.  It was on today so I rewatched it, recorded it, and then went down a Youtube rabbit hole.  I also learned how Sami was meant to be getting deported because of his dodgy past and speaking of dodgy pasts, Amy wasn't always Amy.  She was Amanda and did a year in the big house for using someone's social security number to get a 15k loan.

    She is the sort who would fuck you to death, then feast on your still quivering corpse.  The way her eyes narrow for a split second tells you that she already has thought of 4 ways to kill you.

    Let's talk Kitchen Nightmares and Hell's Kitchen.  Don't bother if you're a weepy, fat tongue poor people hating healthy mockney.  You aren't fit to clean Chef Christina's glasses.

    Post An Unpopular Opinion

    in Off Topic

    Posted

    Those actions were done in the name of the nation, not just by a random lone wolf.  I'll use Churchill as an example.  His genocidal racism was his personal viewpoint, but all the politicians and people who voted him in share in the collective responsibility of the death of millions, he takes the blame of course, but because it was done in the name of the country, it's different to him just going rogue.  And those of us living here are benefiting from that.

    I guess you can say the same about Tony Blair.

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