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Seriously, what in the flying fuck is going on in Albert Square?

 

I haven't watched it in a while and consequently, I don't know anyone who isn't called Phil Mitchell (pretty much).

 

There's a massive family of Moons running about, one of them appears to be David Essex who looks like he's escaped from a nursing home or something. There's another couple who are trying to be your typical jack the lads and then there's a skinny plastic gangster who seems to have several people shitting themselves but is built like a cotton bud and needs a good twatting.

 

There's a bird from Footballer's Wives who is dressed like a 50 Pence tart, Alfie Moon is still rocking the same scabby shirts he was in 2003, Kat Slater is still putting it about (which at this point, must be like throwing a welly down your local alleyway), Ian Beale's haircut is OUT OF CONTROL (he may be modelling it after Ken Barlow actually), Phil has lost about half his body weight and looks like an AID's victim, there's a boxing club which is the centre of all attention despite the fact that no fucker boxes in real life anymore and are more likely to be doing MMA.

 

I could go on but I really can't be arsed.

 

It's no better on the other side either as Michelle Collins is stinking up the joint, some dick from Taggart is putting on one fucking annoying Manc accent and Tracey Barlow is still being a tit.

 

On the other hand, I would slap it up this lass. Here she is, led in some Yorkshire puddings for some reason.

 

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I could go on but I really can't be arsed.

Please do, as that was splendid! I only watch the 'Sten when Big Phil is on the sauce. His crack phase was the finest thing on TV, amazing to think it was a year ago (according to that Facebook thingy that shows what you posted a year ago. Mine were all about a rocked up Phil)

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Please do, as that was splendid! I only watch the 'Sten when Big Phil is on the sauce. His crack phase was the finest thing on TV, amazing to think it was a year ago (according to that Facebook thingy that shows what you posted a year ago. Mine were all about a rocked up Phil)

 

Well I'm glad I didn't get all worked up in vain Keith. In that case, here goes some more stuff that's confusing to The Dashing One....

 

Last time I watched Jack Branning was in a wheelchair and dribbling on himself like a spaztic, now he's back up and poncing about in his suit like a huge tool and like nothing ever happened to him. How the fuck that happened so miraculously is anyones guess. I would say the hand of God but being that nobody in Walford (apart from Dot) goes to Church, I'm stumped for an expla-fucking-nation in all honesty. On the other hand, Dot is Jack's step mum so maybe she said one for him while she was down at the big house on Sunday? He got shot in the fucking back didn't he?! Fancy being able to shake that off, even Superman never walked again but somehow Jack Branning is able to.

 

Here is being pushed about by Ronnie....

 

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But then here he is slipping Sam Mitchell a length.

 

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They bumped Billie Jackson off after he drank too much on screen and was a huge cunt in real life apparently and then to further rub salt, tomato juice, lemon juice and excrement into the wound of his mother, some huge roided up black fella who was her son's friend proceeded to knock the back out of her for the next six months. This was when he wasn't jamming steroids into his arse I presume from looking at his pectoral region.

 

Here he is after putting the rod to Carole. Or maybe he's about to. Who gives a fuck, the lad is clearly desperate.

 

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Carol likes the dark meat, doesn't she, I bet big Alan split her in two. To paraphrase Butch, if David Essex nails her, he'd have more joy opening a window and fucking the night.

 

I fucking hate the Moon clan, I treated myself to a little wank when Nana Moon bought the farm. I never forgave her for singing a really bad version of "Maggie" when poor old Roy Evans died. What a way to go, the best way would have been Pat riding him to death. Still, RIP Roy, bet you got a stiffy you couldn't shift when you carked it.

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Pat's fucking rancidly ugly, no wonder Roy couldn't get it up, poor fucker was probably terrified of snagging his foreskin on her windchime earrings.

 

That new Moon lot are shit. And that gangster bloke looks like a shaved, smartened up Russell Brand to me, it's comical that everyone's meant to be scared of him.

 

Speaking of Eastenders, it's been bugging me for ages now who (or what) Max Branning reminds me of and i've finally got it...

 

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Shite, I forgot all about Alan! Goodness only knows how when Billie was clearly of mixed race, but there you go. Billie was a right annoying little shit this time around, I'm glad the bastard is dead. He was even worse in Kerching (if anyone even gets that reference.)

 

Anyone else remember (un)lovable twat Barry Evans? Always looked like an old Bulldog. Actually I love dogs so that's an insult to them really, I take it back.

 

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There he is, the ugly bastard. Janine took him for a long walk off a short cliff (literally) and that was the end of old Bazza.

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I think they're second only to the Dudleys in terms of hidden family members now. Actually, they are nowhere close to the Dingles over in the Dales. Those fornicating farmers have little Dings tucked away all over the show.

 

This Moon's shite is basically a rehash of the Mitchells from years gone by, only without the element of reality. I mean Grant and Phil looked like a set of cunts you wouldn't want to mess with. This new lot look like a bunch of hairdressers. And David Essex looks like he gets leave from the mortuary to film his scenes. Good grief.

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