Dads After a Split with Partner

[Turnbucklepads]

I'm about to go through a break up with partner and the thought of not living under the same roof with my daughter is crushing me. She says I can see her as much as I want as 1 day a week is not enough for me.

I am a very hands on Dad, and do everything for my 2 year old. She adores me and we are very very close. Is there anyone on here been through a similar thing?

Really could do with some advise here as I'm a fucking wreck over it.

[MungoChutney]

You know how sometimes you have an idea for a thread and somebody beats you to it? Well, that's just happened here but I didn't imagine anyone would beat me to it on this board.

 

Mate, I'm going through exactly the same thing. I'm in the process of splitting from my 7 month old sons mum. I know exactly how you're feeling as I'm all over the place and can't begin to imagine not being there every night to put him to bed. I'm also very hands on and do my part in everything from bathing him to taking hi to nursery to night feeds. I missed his first Christmas morning on Saturday and it killed me, although I had him overnight from dinner time.

 

I too am in desperate need of advice as to how you cope mentally with this sort of thing as I'm clueless and right now my head is just not functioning properly.

[neil's bitch]

In response to you in the relationships thread:

 

Very sad to hear about his dude, but hopfully i can help a bit!

 

im a guy whos parents split when i was very young (about 6 or 7 i think) and i hopfully can shed abit of light from my side of things. These days its not something that bothers me, (not that it ever has really) both me and my parents are even closer then we would of been before, and they both have partners who they love and can be in a real relationship with. I also now have 3 sisters (i was an only child for the best part of 15 years) and myself have a great relationship with a new born little girl.

 

in regards to access to the child, just take it easy and try an agree something without all the "If you think im seeing her for X ammount of time, your DEAD WRONG!" sort of attitude, as to be fair nothing will ever get done and you'll make a scence. My dad had a little girl (sadly split up with her mum a few years back after 12 years) and sees her almost every day, (he picks her up from school) and has her every few weekends (when her mum allows it). Depending on what your situations are, id advised to act like what you say you both are: best friends. That way you can sort something out, (always stay clam during negotiations or else it'll blow up in your face), and hopfully come to some sort of agreement without the courts getting involved.

 

Again very very sad to here about it all mate, and im sorry if ive come across a bit "right do this and carry on", but a sad fact is, if you stop and think about it to much.......it'll just get to you. Will you both end up seeing other people, you will. It is a fact you cannot hide from, hopefully you'll both get on with each others partners (although not everybody does and you dont NEED to so dont worry). Will the kid be fine? She'll be perfectly fine and most likely be closer to you both as a result, just act as a father should, and it'll be fine.

 

So again, hope that helped, im a guy from the other side of the fence (once for myself. and again for my sister) and can safely say nothing bad happens, unless the parents involved dont act like parents.

 

Hope that helps!

[Smegma Cake]

I split up with my girlfriend and mother of my daughter last year in early spring and I had the same fears. For the first few months I saw her as often as I could, I'd travel to hear house even for a few hours or her mother would bring her to mine. Eventually I started having her over night and all was going well. Until about four months ago, we tried to discuss Christmas arrangements. She wouldn't budge about me having her at least some portion of Christmas day, instead I'd have to settle for Boxing day. Then she revealed she had plans to see her family who lived quite a bit away on Boxing Day, I wasn't happy. Obviously we argued about it...long story short, I haven't seen my daughter since. My ex has changed numbers, blocked on Facebook etc etc.

 

I'm currently trying to sort it all out through lawyers, simply because she's not co-operating and being her usual stubborn self.

 

So I guess it all depends if you and your ex partner are in good terms. My ex partner and I started off on good terms because it was an amicable split but things got worse as time goes on, I'm partly to blame for that probably. Hopefully you're ex isn't as unreasonable, stubborn and malicious as mine is because what started as not seeing my daughter only on Christmas and Boxing day, eventually turned into me not seeing her at all.

 

I COULD simply go to her house, show up and ask to see her but my lawyers have advised me not to

[Ross]

One bit of advice I would give and that is always put the kid's interests first. Whatever has happened/will happen between you and your partner is something between you and them and nothing to do with your daughter. I know you will already know this but it's just something to remember. Make it as easy as possible for your daughter because they're so impressionable at that age and that's when they can be affected the most.

 

Also just take your time to think things through and don't say/do anything rash in the heat of the moment. It's always easier and more sensible to look at things retrospectively rather than simply reacting to them at the time. Just because you and your partner break up it does not mean that you cannot maintain a relationship with your daughter. It will take some hard work and time but it will be worth it in the end.

[Turnbucklepads]

I split up with my girlfriend and mother of my daughter last year in early spring and I had the same fears. For the first few months I saw her as often as I could, I'd travel to hear house even for a few hours or her mother would bring her to mine. Eventually I started having her over night and all was going well. Until about four months ago, we tried to discuss Christmas arrangements. She wouldn't budge about me having her at least some portion of Christmas day, instead I'd have to settle for Boxing day. Then she revealed she had plans to see her family who lived quite a bit away on Boxing Day, I wasn't happy. Obviously we argued about it...long story short, I haven't seen my daughter since. My ex has changed numbers, blocked on Facebook etc etc.

 

I'm currently trying to sort it all out through lawyers, simply because she's not co-operating and being her usual stubborn self.

 

So I guess it all depends if you and your ex partner are in good terms. My ex partner and I started off on good terms because it was an amicable split but things got worse as time goes on, I'm partly to blame for that probably. Hopefully you're ex isn't as unreasonable, stubborn and malicious as mine is because what started as not seeing my daughter only on Christmas and Boxing day, eventually turned into me not seeing her at all.

 

I COULD simply go to her house, show up and ask to see her but my lawyers have advised me not to

 

My partner is nothing like that, but shit that story has scared me.

[neil's bitch]

One bit of advice I would give and that is always put the kid's interests first. Whatever has happened/will happen between you and your partner is something between you and them and nothing to do with your daughter. I know you will already know this but it's just something to remember. Make it as easy as possible for your daughter because they're so impressionable at that age and that's when they can be affected the most.

 

Also just take your time to think things through and don't say/do anything rash in the heat of the moment. It's always easier and more sensible to look at things retrospectively rather than simply reacting to them at the time. Just because you and your partner break up it does not mean that you cannot maintain a relationship with your daughter. It will take some hard work and time but it will be worth it in the end.

My dads ex partner is much like that, he shes my sister everyday after school, but hasent seen her since a week before christmas, yet wont see her til jan......because her mum is being a bit arsey. He doesnt want to take her to count as since he works nights, he doubts he'd get custody of her, as her mum works days and rakes in shite loads of money for support etc, (shes a big boss at a phone company). So all he can do is nod and take it sadley.

 

Again for the time being do what you can, and hopefully things will work out. But more importants much like this guy suggested, regardless of your feelings for each other, be parents first of all.

[Jonathan Ford]

I have some experience here that may be of some use, having seen a friend go through this.

 

To echo Whiskey, putting your child first will show you in a good light no matter what happens down the line with courts, CAFCAS etc..

 

However, if I were you I'd put some serious thought into why it appears to have been decided that you will leave the family home and your wife and child will remain there. If this split is being driven by your wife, which I assume it is from your posts in the relationships thread, then is it unreasonable to expect her to leave and your child to remain in the family home with you?

 

Whatever you decide, be very careful what concessions you make in the interests of keeping the peace or a slightly easier life. A friend of mine left her husband because he was bone idle, layabout on the dole rather than look for work scum, who did everything he could to stand in her way while she trained as a nurse. There are two kids in the relationship, and one was below school age at the time. It was decided very early on that it made more sense for the younger child to stay overnight with the layabout husband in his new flat as opposed to be dropped off at 0630 or picked up after 2100.

 

When it came to court, the court decided that the youngest was better off living with her pond life Dad that her hardworking Mum. Keep a diary....record everything. Or better still, put your wife in that position while you stay in the home with your child. Whatever happens, all the very best.

[Turnbucklepads]

I could never afford to live here, so makes sense to get the smaller place for me. At first I thought "you cheeky bitch" but then I thought it would be best for little one to have a bigger home with garden etc. So I accept it. She hasn't asked me to leave. She says no one is going anywhere until we all figure out whats best for living. She says this isn't some bitter split where someone has done something wrong, there is no need to not get on. She has already started to be pretty generous with the household items too. Saying I can have most of it. Obviously I'm not going to take all of it as my child will need these things. I personally dont think she will be able to live here. She will at first but I think things will get tighter and tighter as a backlog of shortfall of cash appears.

That's not my getup anyway. I need to worry about myself, which is hard, as all I do is worry about everyone else. All family tell me is obviously think of baby first but you need to be selfish here and start thinking of yourself, or I'm gonna be left out in the cold.

I earn a pittants and as its not always regular is hard. I'm calling around today to see what help I can get renting.

Luckily we aren't married and don't have a mortgage anymore as we sold the house for other reasons.

[MungoChutney]

Mate, your situation mirrors mine in a lot of ways. It's not been a bitter split, although over Christmas there was some downright nastiness from her. It's not feasible for her to move out as we stayed with her mum so I;ve moved back to my mums. I also worry about her too much and have been told by my family to worry about me and Lucas and let others take care of themselves.

 

The other hard part is that she has a 5 year old girl who I treated as my own for 18 months and a nealry 4 year old niece who I'm also close to. She is saying we should try and work things out over a period of time which my heart agrees with but my head is saying that the split is for the best as we just clash constantly over small things and I don't think two people who are so different can work in the way we want/need it to.

 

Luckily, I'm ok financially but I'm not well off.

[EdgarTheSlouch]

Wow Im another one totally appreciating this thread

[AshC]

I have no experience of this, but feel so bad for you guys, reading this thread.

 

Best wishes for the best possible 2011.

[TezzRexx]

Wow Im another one totally appreciating this thread

 

This. I'm quite surprised that quite a few others are going through the same issues.

[Surf Digby]

I went through this three years ago. It was a pretty unpleasent split, but eventually we ran out of things to argue over, and I think she eventually realised that we've both ended up worse off for it. As such we get on pretty well now and can do things "as a family", even though we're no longer together.

 

When I first moved out though, I was an absolute wreck. I drove away from the house in such a state, knowing my daughter was upset and that I wasn't going to be there to comfort her, that it's a wonder I didn't crash and there were moments when I was approaching ref lights that I did consider shutting my eyes and driving straight through them. Having access is all good and well, but when there's 3 miles between you and your child instead of one wall, it's a horrible feeling and one that takes a lot of getting used to.

[Turnbucklepads]

I went through this three years ago. It was a pretty unpleasent split, but eventually we ran out of things to argue over, and I think she eventually realised that we've both ended up worse off for it. As such we get on pretty well now and can do things "as a family", even though we're no longer together.

 

When I first moved out though, I was an absolute wreck. I drove away from the house in such a state, knowing my daughter was upset and that I wasn't going to be there to comfort her, that it's a wonder I didn't crash and there were moments when I was approaching ref lights that I did consider shutting my eyes and driving straight through them. Having access is all good and well, but when there's 3 miles between you and your child instead of one wall, it's a horrible feeling and one that takes a lot of getting used to.

 

But are you through it now and no longer want to top yourself? How often do you see your daughter?