Frankie Crisp

I didn't actually twat her (unless you count the 365 consecutive dreams I had during the year I knew her); she got the bullet just before Christmas when I was on holiday. So technically it wasn't my fault she went...

For those who are yet to see this...

Dilikid - Read/search the thread dude. All of those have been posted already!

I did, just thought i'd post mine.

So you read the whole thing, and then just decided to report the ones you fancied? I think just by reading through all the pages, you'd be pretty sure that's not how it works.

Maybe he was just consolidating his favourites in to one post, for ease of reference during his next danger wank when he's supposed to be doing his homework.

Carmen Ejogo. She has a slight resemblance to Thandie Newton, but is rather lovely in her own right.

Oh how I wish I was still able to contribute to this thread with tales of my gone but not forgotten pet cretin.

 

I did get an email from a mate the other day though, with a tale of his own:

 

Well. I've just had someone from the lab call me up with an IT problem. I took remote control of her machine using VNC (remote control software), and asked her if she could see the mouse moving.

 

She said 'No, it's not moving at all'

I said 'You should be able to see it moving around' (as I waggled the remote mouse cursor around)

She said 'No, it's not doing anything'

I said 'You mean you can't see the cursor moving on your screen?'

She said....

 

'Oh, I thought you meant the mouse on the desk'.

 

Is someone feeding these fuckers after midnight or something?

What happened?

I snapped and twatted her.

Oh how I wish I was still able to contribute to this thread with tales of my gone but not forgotten pet cretin.

I did get an email from a mate the other day though, with a tale of his own:

Well. I've just had someone from the lab call me up with an IT problem. I took remote control of her machine using VNC (remote control software), and asked her if she could see the mouse moving.

 

She said 'No, it's not moving at all'

I said 'You should be able to see it moving around' (as I waggled the remote mouse cursor around)

She said 'No, it's not doing anything'

I said 'You mean you can't see the cursor moving on your screen?'

She said....

 

'Oh, I thought you meant the mouse on the desk'.

Is someone feeding these fuckers after midnight or something?

You can record PPVs but it is just a bit of a faff doing it. You need to go into Settings then Manual Recording. Choose the SBO HD channel and set it between 00:55 and 04:00 then it should work.

Shit the bed, I never knew that.

Cheers for the info; my box doesn't seem to accept any manual time between 00:00 and 00:59, but works fine for any time from 01:00 onwards. Thanks again.

I've just ordered the rumble on my new sky+ HD and its giving me a message about it not be recordable. I was under the impression you could record it and watch it as many times as you like in 24hrs. Is that wrong or could I record when it starts and go to bed safe in the knowledge I can watch it later? I ordered via phone rather than the box because my phone is being hooked up in the next week.

You can't record Box Office events, but they are repeated every three hours for about a week (I think).

Non-Box Office PPVs can be recorded though.

As much as the post-Mania booking was the pits, I had to vote for Christian's return.

It was the equivilent of finding out that your long time friend is coming back from his 4 year, round-the-world trip. You and the lads all meet in the local to welcome him back, only for him to walk in, nod at you and just go "alright" before he walks to the other side of the room.

he challenged me to ring him up for a confrontation, only to provide me with the number to a limo rental place in Kent.

 

You mean you actually rang the number?

He Googled it, along with the spate of hoax numbers which followed.

It was just awful to read.

VERY tough one this. I went for Freaky, but Carbomb and NEWM could also have gotten my click.

How Dopper isn't in this poll though is baffling.

As requested, and for those who didn't partake in Secret Santa:

Happy New Year.

Sigh.

One of the lads here knows someone who

To be honest, she already has a small cult following with a few of my mates and their colleagues, who get these stories on email on a regular basis. Some of them are convinced I'm making her up, but she is real. Very real. A few of them have suggested the idea of a book or blog, but at this moment I can't risk making something too public in case someone gets on to it who has been witness to any of the tales. Like I said though, despite the entertainment she brings to many, I may have to do what I've been delaying and get shut.

Once she's out the door, this shit is going global.

In the meantime though, we could make this a bit more fun:

1) Conversation starters. Think of a few topics which you feel may be the catalyst to another gem of a conversation. Don't bombard me with too many as I try not to engage in conversation too much so it would look obvious, but feel free to suggest something that may confuse her. No, that's too broad a category. Try to think of something she may think she knows about, but doesn't. Fuck. No. Still too broad. Oh sod it, thrown your suggestions this way and I'll see if I can crowbar some into everyday office chatter.

2) Any suggestions which generate some more nonsense, will be pitted off against each other and we can have a pre-Christmas vote as to which is best.

3) Whoever made the suggestion wins. They get a prize. A prize I am going to crack on with over the weekend.

This idea might die a death, but my friends, her time with us may be short so let's get as much entertainment as possible out of her.

EDIT: Please email me with any suggestions. That way, we can keep this thread for just stories and also the winner will be anonymous until the votes are in. Obviously, the vote needs to include any other idiotic stories from other UKFFers; I don't feel it's fair to monopolise this with my little mate.

You should bet him you won't do it again.

She's the team admin/assistant/do-er of things we can't be arsed doing. I would never have employed her in a million years, but I inherited her when we merged with another company last year.

She does so many insignificant things which individually don't mean much, but combined there are enough to warrant a role. She does most of them without a problem, but booking meeting rooms, faxing and scanning are hard to fuck up. She's had a good go though. You should have seen what arrived when she ordered a load of stationery last week. The back office was like fucking Office Depot.

There are a couple of other tasks she's been given in the last few months which she's made an utter balls of and as much as I will try to protect my team, she'd rather let people laugh at 'how ditzy she is for making a mistake' because she thinks people will find it endearing. She's pretty much on her last warning for being shite and having no desire to develop, and although I can guarantee that she will inevitably bring up the one-nighter when she gets her marching orders, I can't see her being here much longer.

As much as she makes me question my very own existence on a daily basis, I probably subconsciously haven't already sacked her because I feel I'll be letting the UKFF down.

In other words, you shagged a thick munter and have enough shame about it as it is.

Oh god yes.

As her boss, I hope you gave her a bollocking for sorting out her car insurance on work time.

To be fair to the girl, she did do most of it during her lunch hour and breaks, but I did have to pull her up a few times when it started to take the piss. I felt a tad hypocritical having to tell her to stop using work time for personal use, when moments later I was frantically making notes of the lunacy so I could post the cretin chronicles on here.

Ah, the joys of management.

Oh and for those who've asked, there's no chance of pictures or webcams. I wouldn't inflict her on you or anyone else I don't detest.

it's like she's fucking five!

Deaq, you absolute saint of a man. For months, a few of the lads in work have been trying to find a suitable name we can use when we're ripping the piss out her, but one which her mates won't get onto. From this day forth, she will be known as Jillian Russell.

That, along with the FedEx arrow voodoo shit in the Off-Topic Questions thread, has made my bloody night!

Oh yes, we have more, as promised. These conversations took place over the course of a few days when she was trying to get a better deal on her car insurance and after the first one which ended in a tantrum, I started to make little notes, just knowing the potential on the horizon.

I've had to fill in a few gaps, but this is as accurate as you're going to get from someone with a melted brain.

Enjoy...

Number 1

The following was a conversation she had with some poor bastard who she called when she'd already had a handful of expensive quotes, so I can only relay the bits I heard:

"Hello I want a quote for insurance"

-----

"Okay but I've had to do this loads and every time I have it's too expensive. Could you tell me what your cheapest insurance is? Then if it's cheap then I'll give you all the details but I'm not spending ages telling you all my info if it's going to come out dead expensive"

-----

"Well you must be able to"

-----

"So you'll only give me a price if I give you all that?"

-----

"For God's sake, okay..."

She then proceeded to rattle of the information which I've heard that many times, I now know off by heart, only to be quoted a ridiculous price, which prompted:

"WELL THANKS FOR NOTHING"

She then slammed the phone down. I had to leave the room.

_____________________

Number 2

Another one I overheard was when she had a high quote and the person on the phone told her possible reasons for the increase:

She's back. Oh my, is she ever back.

We

Another win from Rescue Me: Paige Turco, 44.