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Hell in a Cell: the UKFF Reviews


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John Cena vs. Randy Orton, Hell In A Cell 2014


This one is for the World Heavyweight title, which is not the big gold belt from Brand Split 1, but what they called the WWE Title for a bit after they unified them.

Oh, no. Hang on. It’s not for the title, it’s to get a title shot against Sir Brock Not-Appearing-On-This-Show. The more things change, etc.

Orton is wearing grey trunks, so is positively vibrant with colour compared to what you normally expect. He gives the mesh a little feel on his way into the ring. Orton won their last Cell match in 2009. 

The ropes are pink. I know they’re doing their breast cancer awareness thing, but it doesn’t do anything for your Demonic Structure From Hell when it’s got pink on every side of it. Move HIAC to a different month or something.

Cena radiates stardom when he comes out. 

Glaring commentary cliche #1: you’ll never be the same after you’ve been in the Cell, apparently. Less impactful when most of the roster’s been in one, really.

Cena’s got nice black shorts on today.

As they start with strikes, JBL tries to claim Brock Lesnar will be watching on the Network. Like fuck he will, Bradshaw.

They’re already brawling outside and we get the cheesegrater face thing on the mesh. Michael Cole notes that Orton slithers into a cover. LIKE A VIPER. Here are some facts about vipers from Dorling Kindersley:


Vipers include some of the deadliest snakes. A viper has a stocky body, a wide head, and long, hinged fangs at the front of its mouth for injecting venom. The venom causes a very painful wound that can be fatal. Vipers target warm-blooded prey, such as rats and mice, and some hunt during the day. One group, the pit vipers, are mainly active at night. They have a pair of heat-sensitive pits between the eyes and mouth for detecting the body warmth of prey. Most vipers live in the tropics, but some are found in cooler climates. The majority of vipers give birth to live young, but a few species lay eggs.

The Gaboon viper has the longest fangs of any snake, measuring up to 2 in (5 cm) long.

And here is a picture of one:


Anyway, Orton’s got a chair but Cena stopped him and hit a suplex. Cena went for the chair and Orton stopped him. Orton got another chair, or possibly the same chair, and now he’s hit John a couple of times. DDT for 2. They have a rest for a bit.

JBL cannot stop referencing the fact that they have 27 world titles between them. 

Orton is slowly beating up Cena. 



The DK page doesn’t say how fast vipers are but they’re probably faster than this.

JBL just mentioned the World Titles AGAIN. Even the commentators are making note of how long Orton’s taking.

Cena gets chucked into the Cell. This might, maybe, be continuing the story of Cena being annihilated by Lesnar at Summerslam 2014. That MIGHT be the story they’re going for. The fact it’s never even been referenced in passing on commentary would actually make me believe that is in fact the story they’re telling.

Why does everything Randy does take about ten minutes to set up?

I was expecting someone to say “these two know each other so well” by now but maybe that’s just a 2018 thing.

Cena got Orton in the mesh a couple of times but Orton recovered and did an Atomic Drop into the ring post.

Cena gets pushed into the Cell again. They’re talking about Tim White now, as presumably the only person whose career was actually ended by the career ending match.

Orton’s turn to be pushed into the Cell a bit now, and Cena gets out a table. I’m not sure how I feel about a gimmick match needing other gimmicks to be successful.

In the first bit of the match that’s genuinely impressed me, Cena gets Orton in position for an AA through the table and Orton, on Cena’s shoulders, uses his arms to push the table over and save himself. That was very nice.

He’s put the table in the corner now. Another lovely moment as Cena starts his shoulder tackling comeback and gets hit with an RKO mid air! Cole calls it a thing of beauty and I agree. Orton can be bloody great when he wants to be and the match finally feels like it’s getting out of first gear. Cena through the table.

Orton is setting up the steps in the ring. Cole claims he’s ready to strike at a moment’s notice but he’s been at least an hour waiting for Cena to get up. Which he does and hits his spinny slam on Orton on the steps, but Orton gets a low blow in.

He goes for the punt but Cena counters into the STF. Randy reaches the ropes but it won’t help, so he keeps on crawling until he’s outside. Cena tries to throw the steps at him but misses. He gets chucked into the ring post again for his trouble and we’re back to Orton in control. Until Cena hits an AA for 2. He hits another one but I think Orton countered it, oh yes, he countered it into an RKO. That’s three nice things I’ve seen from him in this match, just a pity the rest of it’s a bit tedious.

Second AA connects, 2 again. Time for another table. 

THERE WE GO. “These guys know each other so well”. I FUCKING KNEW IT.

A second rope AA through a table gets the win for Cena, ending this curiously heatless and distinctly un-epic encounter.

Here is some more information on the Gaboon viper:





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The Undertaker v Shane McMahon, WrestleMania 32 (2016)


This only happened two years ago but in a rare case of modern WWE failing to hit the spot for a long term fan in his late-20’s, I don’t really remember anything of the build up to this except…




The (lock) box! The (lock) box!


This was a plot device implying Shane has dirt on Vince that he would presumably eventually reveal, but is curiously not mentioned anywhere in the pre match video package.


The package does tell me this feud was precipitated by Shane’s surprise return two months before, which despite the talking heads (Foley, Cena, Jericho) completely lying about its impact did serve as a cool moment. Shane thinks Raw is shite (co sign!) and wants to control it to ensure future generations of the McMahon family will still have a company to manage, Vince balks but tells him he can have it if he beats Taker in the Cell at ‘Mania. Vince calls Taker his “bitch” and tells him he’ll have no more ‘Mania matches if he loses.


Who are the fans supposed to be cheering on here? I don’t particularly want to boo either of these guys. Shane is promising to revolutionise stale WWE programming in defiance of his father and ‘Taker is a legend who fans love and has been forced into a vulnerable position by his evil geriatric boss.


Anyway they’re both out, Shane - wearing “bully fuel” Wrestlemania branded trackies - enters with his kids and paper money whilst ‘Taker has a fairly standard entrance which is slightly disappointing.


The action is “by the numbers” stuff only notable for Shane’s appalling strikes and Undertaker’s extremely red face, until Shane tries to lock in a triangle choke (JBL says he was trained by the Gracie’s, who you’d have thought would have taught him how to hit someone) which he eventually releases as his own shoulders being down almost cause him to be counted out.


The crowd is mostly very quiet up to this point.


Taker then hits a chokeslam on the steel steps but it only gets two, Taker misses an elbow and lands on the steps, and the crowd start to perk up, Shane plays possum and hits a DDT on the metal which again gets only two. Taker recovers but Hell’s Gate doesn’t do it because Shane, continuing his MMA cosplay, turns it into a sharpshooter… yeah.


They’ve hardly used the cell I’ve just noticed, this is like reviewing a normal match so far!


Shane retrieves a rubbish bin from under the ring, eventually setting up and hitting coast-to-coast for two, but the next item he gets - a pair of bolt cutters - is far more interesting albeit pointless, as Taker grabs Shane and they both spill through one of the Cell’s big panels onto the German announce table.


We’re now building slowly to the spot definitely no one sees coming as Taker removes the English (and then Spanish) announce team’s table top and gives a big boot to Shane that clearly misses his face. They brawl in the crowd for a bit but after Taker looks for a mega tombstone off the guard rail, Shane proves his MMA credentials again by getting out of it and applying the sleeper, only for Taker to JUMP OFF THE RAIL THROUGH A TABLE WITH SHANE ON HIS BACK! That was damn cool/stupid and looked like it absolutely killed, fair play for taking that risk at the age of 60 Deadman!


Cole says, despite being less than a metre away from the action, “we’ve lost our monitors so we can’t see” - thick twat. Shane belts Taker with a toolbox twice, conveniently leaving him laying completely out across an announce desk. The crowd starts to get very fucking excited as Shane looks to the heavens, twats Taker once more and begins his ascent. He reaches the top of the cell, surveys the scene and, from twenty feet in the air, drops an elegant elbow drop which completely misses his intended target as the Undertaker has fucked off back towards Death Valley.


Cole then finds another unique way to irritate and take the viewer out of the moment by exclaiming “FOR THE LOVE OF MANKIND!” in response to the carnage, as if the line definitely wasn’t fed to him or scripted beforehand. Spontaneity truly is a lost art in modern WWE.


After a bit of recovery time, a puce Undertaker slowly gets to his feet, before Shane “The Rock” Johnson gives him a ‘bring it ‘on’ hand gesture because he’s the hardest wrestler ever. They get back in the ring and after one tombstone this one’s over, and “Mr McMahon’s legacy is intact”.


Well this was what it was, a barely acceptable match with a huge spot that was quite foreseeable, almost as much as the result. Wikipedia tells me that Shane - who is always permitted to look for more threatening and tough during his matches than he should - got control of Raw after this anyway. During the summer he would become Smackdown commissioner in a role that suited him, and to be fair to everyone involved 2016 was a really good year for Smackers post-brand split.


Anyway, despite the jaw dropping nature of the big spot, this unfortunately doesn’t hold a candle to most other Cell matches that are filled with more blood, violence, stunts and have way more intense stories running through them than this does. In fact the only reason I think this match involved the Cell was due to it being an easy prop for Shane’s traditional big leap, and although I’m certain there are worse uses of the match concept this one is firmly placed in the below average pile.


As far as I know we never heard anything more about the lock box and its secret, so we’ll have to put it in with “Who moved the briefcase at KOTR 99?”, “Why did Stone Cold get hired back by Shane McMahon only to be screwed by him anyway?” and “Whure’s my title shot?” in the wrestling mysteries folder.


Answers on a postcard please.


Edited by Onyx2
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26 minutes ago, Otto Dem Wanz said:

I sent through the Shane v Undertaker match last week @Onyx2 - not sure if you’d posted that one yet


24 minutes ago, HarmonicGenerator said:

Likewise @Onyx2, my Cena vs Orton one should be in your DMs, sent it above Kennel from Hell.

Indeed - apologies gents. I'm easily foxed by the fact that two concurrent messages get squidged into one entry in the inbox. Posted now!

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