Hell in a Cell: the UKFF Reviews

[Onyx2]

Undertaker v Edge, SummerSlam 2008 by @air_raid

This is the blowoff to a feud that took in both being injured and delaying, both winning the title from each other, all manner of weird stips I don't care to revisit (Hells Gate being banned, anyone? Thought not) and other stunt matches that seemed climactic until eventually you had to get to Hell In A Cell to settle it. No, they won't be having an Iron Man match next month, that would be bullshit. This is probably the only match from this SummerSlam I've ever seen due to its inclusion on one of the Edge DVD sets, I wasn't really watching WWE at the time outside Rumble, No Way Out and Mania and without going on a rant there's a lot on this card that reminds me why I didn't bother hunting down many PPVs. I remember this being good if a little "paint by numbers" until the memorable finish, let's see if it holds up.

Build video reminds me this came about because Vicky reinstated Taker and put him in this match to get revenge on Edge for shagging the wedding planner (Alicia Fox) and it's weird that she gets to use The Undertaker as her pawn like that (more of that later) and that the build was totally about her and featured unnecessary nonsense involving the irrelevant Mick Foley - of course Edge would ask for help preparing for the Cell from the gimmick's most famous loser, why wouldn't he? Reminder of Takers incredible bump from a ladder through tables at One Night Stand, one of the craziest things he ever did. Video ends and the Cell is in place, no "lowering" music, humph.

Entrances, and Edge sells the Cell in a way many "hard" heels haven't bothered too since. JR mumbles some bollocks about "When Edge turns on his evil side, it returns the favour." Jesus CHRIST, I'd forgotten how much I grew to hate him beyond about 2000. Taker comes out and JR and Tazz talk about Edge not looking intimidated despite him being wide-eyed and pacing. OK. Brawling as you expect to start and just as Taker runs Edge into the mesh for the first time, Ross dribbles something about the "demonic structure" almost being a human being itself and "it likes to select its victims." What the fuck does that even mean? This is going to be a slog, isn't it.

Rake of the face into the fencing, whip into the steps and legdrop down the apron from the Dead Man. He throws Edge and the steps into the ring and props the steps up in the corner. Snake Eyes onto the steps then Edge recovers way too quickly for my liking catching a running Taker in the face with an elbow then hurling him into the same steps. Dropkick then a spear both to a seated Undertaker while he's slumped against the steps, nice. Edge sets up two stacked tables at ringside but attempts by both to take advantage get nothing. Chair comes into play and The Rated-R Superstar sets up a third table in the ring and a ladder, giving Taker chair shots while he's rearranging. Lays Taker across the table then elbowdrops a chair through him, off the ladder, the same way he had done to Foley on SmackDown. Very nice. Edge gets a 2 count out of future Taker nemesis Scott Armstrong.

One man Conchairto attempt is foiled by a grab of the throat and failed chokeslam attempt. Moments later Taker boots Edge off the apron and into the mesh. Stairs to the unprotected head (ouch) then a Snake Eyes attempt on the floor is slid out of and Edge sends Taker into the ring post, then a running tackle propelling himself off the steps causes the fence panel to give way. Shenanigans?

JR says the cage "imploded" because nobody in WWE knows what it means, Taker is bleeding from his forearm, crowd is alive for this. Whip into the security barrier from "the phenom" and I notice some dweeb in the front row has replica Big Gold and spinner WWE title belts over each shoulder. More money than sense, mate. Edge takes back advantage with two shots from a monitor then running spears Taker from one table down and through another - even with the easy pack nature of the comms tables that spot always looks brilliant.

Back inside Edge wallops Taker with a ladder then a spare camera he fished out from under the ring for another 2. Spear attempt runs into a great looking high angle chokeslam for 2 for Taker. Last Ride attempt countered with a low blow and JR muses "I'm sure the Cell is enjoying the carnage we're all witnessing here tonight." Jimmy's obsession with bestowing sentience upon the metal is really weird. Edgecution for 2, Taker comes back and tries a Last Ride over the ropes to the stacked tables but Edge slips out and hits a spear for 2, crowd are buying ever pin attempt which is great.

Edge goes for ten punches in the corner which is up there with trying to powerbomb Kidman in the "mistaaaake" stakes, sure enough he receives a Last Ride for 2. Attempted Tombstone on the steps backfires and the back of Taker's noggin bounces off them. Edge attempts Old School like a cocky little shit and gets crotched then chokeslammed off the top through those stacked tables. Fuck.

Taker throws him back him in and hits a spear to take the piss. Smacks him with the camera for some poetic justice.

One man Conchairto, the Tombstone is virtually academic. The Undertaker is your winner, or if you prefer, "the conscience of the WWE" and I STILL DON'T GET IT, JR. Taker goes up the ramp and Tazz ominously states "there's life in Edge yet" and as though he heard him, the Undertaker marches back to the ring because he isn't finished. He props the limp Edge up on one ladder, climbs another and chokeslams him straight through the ring floor.

Sadly the impact of the bump is killed by wacky production effects. We go all purple, Takers music plays again, massive flames shoot out the hole, goodnight from Vienna.

That was way better than I remember and way better than most Undertaker matches that don't have Streak drama or a peer like Shawn or Hunter opposite him. Really enjoyed it, crowd was alive, cracking bit of carthasis for Undertaker to finally exact brutal revenge on a heel that gave him so much grief. The ending had such finality you'd be forgiven for thinking Edge was being written out but he'll be back at Survivors, winning back the belt, while Taker slums it for the next few months in a placeholder feud with Big Show for about the dozenth time. Win some, lose some.

[Onyx2]

Randy Orton VS John Cena – Hell in a Cell 2009.

The world title is on the line, for the 5th time ever in a Cell. Cena enters the Cell as champion after defeating Orton for the belt in a brutal match at Breaking Point, which took place one month ago.
Orton was forced to say ‘I quit’ at Breaking Point and has had a disastrous month leading up to HIAC. Following his title loss, he has been mauled by a returning Batista, completely battered and Tombstoned by the Undertaker and to top it off, he received Cena’s Attitude Adjustment on top of the Cell, at last week’s Raw.



He’s not happy and his confidence has been damaged. He has also been informed that this will be his last chance for a rematch and if he loses, he doesn’t get another shot.
That being said, Orton has experience of competing in the Cell, whereas this is Cena’s first outing.
Orton’s best chance of willing is tapping in to his Cell knowledge, whilst Cena needs to capitalise of Orton’s low morale.
As both men make their way in to the ring, they equally look focused and ready for battle. Orton looks incredibly slim and his shaved head adds to his slender appearance. Cena is as you’d expect, jacked to fuck. Let’s get this shit on.
Cena starts strong with a flurry of punches, kicks and elbows. Orton attempts to fight back but Cena has the upper hand and uses his strength to maintain his dominance. Orton realised he needs to use brains rather than brawn. He manages take charge after ducking  Cena flying shoulder and ends up pushing Cena off the apron and in to the cage.
Orton doesn’t waste a second and follows Cena to the outside, utilising the cage by scouring Cena’s face off it.

Cena fights back very briefly, picking Orton up and barging his body against the cage until Orton again outsmarts him and twats him in to the steps. Whilst Cena is laid out on the floor, Orton launches the top of the steps in to the ring, clearly plotting some psychopathic step related assault on poor John.
Orton made the most out of picking up the steps. He sold the weight and awkward structure of the steps, but failed to lob them over the top rope. He wasn’t as bothered about selling the steps integrity the second time around and calmly popped them in to the ring with ease.

He quickly composes, looks at Cena with fire in his eyes and attempts the DDT from the middle rope spot. Cena is able to counter the attack and ends up throwing Orton to the outside.
Cena has regained dominance and in an unexpected move, picks up the steps and launches them at Orton who is current slumped against the cage. Orton moves at the last second and the steps bounce with force off the wire cage wall. Fucking hell John… that escalated quickly.



Orton rushed John and briefly takes charge Cena takes charge back in the ring. He hits a couple of running shoulder tackles, then a slam, setting up for the 5 knuckle shuffle. The crowd aren’t fond.
Cena tries for an Attitude Adjustment but Orton slips out of it. Orton again takes charge prepares Cena for the middle rope DDT spot that he missed earlier, only this time he plants Cena, but only gets a 2 count.

After further back and forth, Orton starts to hear a few voices and decides it’s time for the R.K.O, he runs up, Cena reverses it and nails Orton with the Attitude Adjustment. He goes for the pin, but only gets a 2 count.

Cena plonks Orton on the top turnbuckle, he climbs the ropes and is looking to hit a second rope Attitude Adjustment, but Orton fights out of it and hits a big electric chair. He goes for the pin but again, another 2 count.



It’s a very back and forth match so far and could realistically go either way.
Orton seems to be setting Orton up for a Superplex off the top, but Cena battles out of it and knocks Orton on to the canvas. Cena goes for a top rope leg drop, but nobody’s home.  
Orton then slinks out and brings in a chair, because what is better than an electric chair? That’s right, a chair.
He twats Cena in the back of a neck, bearing in mind Cena has had surgery a year prior, this isn’t pleasant. He then turns him over and plants the chair in to his chest. He goes for the pin, but only gets a two count.

He sets Cena up with the chair flat beneath his head and takes a few moments to adjust him accordingly. It looks like he is yet again setting up for something morbidly horrific. He walks over to the ropes, his eyes roll in to the back of his head, the voices start nattering and he tries a flying knee drop/belly flop thingy, but Cena moves out of the way.
John sees his chances and jumps on the back of Orton, locking in the STF. Orton crawls to the ropes, grabs hold but we’re reminded that rope breaks don’t count in a HIAC.
Orton manages to kick Cena off, straight in to the ref… REF BUMP, we can smell shenanigans approaching.
Cena jumps back on Orton, again he locks in the STF, ORTON TAPS, ORTON TAPS, but the ref is out cold.
Cena jumps up, looks around and assists the ref back in to the ring, who has somehow managed to make it outside and curled up on the floor in foetal position.
After checking the ref has re-joined earth, Cena turns in to a striking R.K.O, but only manages a 2 count from a slow and groggy ref. It’s fair to say that Orton is not amused.

Orton proceeds to tie Cena up in the ropes and lays on a thick and legal choke hold. The ref looks on and again we’re reminded the all is fair in HIAC.


Cena flops to the floor and Orton watches on with venom in his eyes and with a glare of a monster, he punts Cena flush in the skull.

1-2-3. Here is your winner, NEEEWWW and 6th time world champion, RRRRANDY ORTON.

Why the fuck was this a HIAC match?

After the apart from around 3 mins of action near the start of the match, there was barely use or reference to the fact that this was a HIAC match. Completely pointless.  

[Onyx2]

Hell in a Cell 2009 by @Mr.Showtime
(October 4, 2009)
Triple H & Shawn Michaels v Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Jr

This was the first-ever Hell in a Cell PPV, but the third Cell match on the show itself. The event opened (opened!!) with The Undertaker smashing CM Punk to take away his World Heavyweight Championship inside the demonic structure. In the middle of the show, Randy Orton bested John Cena after 21 minutes to reclaim the WWE Championship. It was deemed that neither of these bouts featuring 4 legends were worthy enough to be the main event. And so that honour fell to Ted DiBiase Jr (Ted DiBiase Jr!!) and some other lads instead.

I intended to watch this on the WWE Network (free to new subscribers, or old subscribers with several email addresses and some different card details), but my free month ended a day after my Taker/Boss Man booze-up and a day before going to write this one up. Thankfully I found the match in full, in decent quality, on Dailymotion.

Background: The only promo I could find for this match only lasted about a minute, but it told me everything I needed to know to refresh my memory. Basically, Legacy (DiBiase and Rhodes) were battering Triple H around because he didn't like their stable-buddy Randy Orton very much. Trips was sick of this and tracked down his best mate, Shawn Michaels, to help him out. Shawn was busy. Working as a chef.

 

Hunter persuaded HBK to leave his poorly-paid stressful job to go back to doing what he does best - kick people in the face. At Summerslam, D-Generation X defeated Rhodes and DiBiase. I don't remember a thing about it. The next month at Breaking Point, Legacy got revenge in a fun, first-ever Submissions Count Anywhere match. I don't recall WWE ever doing this stipulation again, but I liked it.

So that's it. Legacy are trying to show the world they are the new group to fear, and they're generally getting the better of old-timers HBK and HHH. Let's see what happens in the rubber match, inside Hell....in a Cell!

The Match: D-Generation X Lite come out first, all cartoony t-shirts and bright green glowsticks. Gimps. They look a bit tentative coming down to the ring and - oh holy smokes - Rhodes and DiBiase attack DX before they even get to the ring! Awesome, I love it. This doesn't happen that often these days either. It's also a great way to mess around outside the cell before the match even starts. All four get to the announce tables and Rhodes is suplexed onto one of them, but it doesn't break. DiBiase goes wild on Triple H and chucks him into the crowd. Even this early on you get the feeling the youngsters want to prove they deserve to stay at the top of the card for years to come. The fight pushes back round to the entrance ramp, where Cody uses the chain that locks the cell door and whacks Michaels in the knee with it, then smashes Trips in the head with it! Legacy hit HHH with a double DDT on the stage, then a Cross Rhodes for good measure, before focusing on Shawn. Rhodes wraps HBK's leg around the cell door while DiBiase smashes the door closed several times on Shawn's thigh. Ouch.

A-ha! Genius on the part of Legacy as they roll Shawn Michaels into the cell, and lock it shut with Triple H laid out on the stage! The fans are not enjoying that. The referee says to himself "Well, this is good enough for me!" and rings the bell to start the match! The fans boo at this also. The young guns go to work on HBK for the next few minutes, Shawn barely doing enough to survive, and eventually Triple H stirs and does his best impression of a super drunk man falling towards ringside. I notice that Cole and King are both sympathetic and in "serious" mode during the bout - I was worried it was a point in time where Cole was playing heel but neither are right now.

Cody gives HBK two terrible slingshots into the mesh of the cell - honestly, the slingshot is my most hated move in wrestling - and with the second HBK grabs onto the cell, kicks DiBiase then throws himself on Rhodes. He gets about two punches in before Ted attacks him and Legacy are back on the front foot. What I'm also noticing is that Ted is the more animated and confident of the two Legacy boys - he's shouting "commmme onnn!" and yelling in his opponent's faces whenever he can. Cody isn't saying a thing. He's a little meek here.

Cole and Lawler spend a lot of time saying there's no way in for Triple H. Aye right. A majority of the cell bouts taking place before this one featured someone getting in or out of it. Even if it was just Gangrel dropping a noose in from the top. It still counts. Out of nowhere HBK hits Sweet Chin Music to young Teddy! But the camera angle ruins the suspense, as we see Cody patiently waiting on the outside for Shawn to cover before interrupting the count. We also nearly missed the superkick entirely as the camera switched between the action and HHH on the outside. A dodgy few moments here production-wise. Says me, the expert.

DiBiase laughs in Hunter's face as he smashes a chair against the padlock trying to open it, to no avail. I'm liking Ted's swagger here. I hope he makes it. "What are ya gonna do now, Triple H, HUH?!" he yells. Triple H cries on his knees on the outside. Hunter apologies to HBK, it seems, then....walks off! Heeeeeeeee's OUTTA HERE! Bye bye Trips. Shawn is now crumpled up in a corner of the cell basically pleading for Legacy to stop hitting him. "Your partner left you!" DiBiase tells him. They take him into the ring - Rhodes holds a steel chair against Shawn's head and DiBiase executes a stunning standing dropkick to said chair. Good stuff.

They then go for the same finish as Breaking Point - Cody tries to apply a figure-four around the ringpost, while Ted wraps on the Million Dollar Dream at the same time! They're gonna break Shawn's leg! And he'll be asleep while it happens! Oh no! Thankfully, Triple H returns.

Cole: "Is that what I think it is?!"

Yes Cole, Triple H has some bolt-cutters with him. I was kinda hoping for a frying pan, ala The Booty Man at WCW Uncensored 96, (go to 3:30) but that wouldn't have helped him actually get into the cage. DiBiase quickly hits HBK with his finisher (was it called Dream Street?) onto the edge of a steel chair (ouch!) but it's too late - Tripper is in the cage! It's Boss time! Here comes the pain! It's time to play The Game! All those things! It's vintage Hunter Hearst Helmsley as he runs through the classics on Legacy, including a spinebuster to Rhodes on a steel chair. But he can't get the Pedigree. HBK throws himself at DiBiase, recovering somewhat. Referee John Cone is down at ringside with a new chain to lock the door back up but DX are having none of that! HHH borrows the chain and smashes Ted in the face with it, before hitting a Pedigree on the floor!

Ahh - turnabout is fair play, as D-Generation X drag Ted DiBiase Jr out of the cell, take the bolt-cutters with them inside and lock the cage door back up! Poor Cody Rhodes. He's All-In by himself. Christ - after another spinebuster, HBK hits a top rope elbow while Cody has a chair wrapped around his neck!

"CODY! CODY!" DiBiase is distraught on the outside and can only watch as Triple H finds his trusty sledgehammer! And I don't think we ever saw this again on TV, but D-X hit a superkick/sledgehammer combo at the same time to poor Cody's head! Or skull, as Michael Cole likes to say. He said "skull" a LOT during this match. Shawn makes the cover and this one is over. "CODY CODYYYYY!" Ted now looks like he's actually annoyed that Cody didn't kick out...

The cell raises up, and Ted slides back in to see to his destroyed friend. Unfortunately he stands back up and walks right into another superkick. King: "HA! Did you see his eyes roll up back into his head?!"

All in all, it was a fun match. It played to strengths - Shawn Michaels is of course a god at gaining sympathy, and you felt for him as he begged for the beating to stop. Cody and Ted were the upstart bullies, using the numbers game to their advantage. Trips had a nap on the outside, delegated his tasks to someone else, and only worked when he really had to - the mark of a true boss. I always enjoyed Cody's WWE run but I think that only happened for me after the Legacy period - you barely noticed him here. He had no presence.

The Aftermath: D-Generation X took on Super Cena at Survivor Series for the WWE Championship at the same time and still couldn't get the job done. Legacy never really recovered and, along with Randy Orton, squabbled amongst each other leading up to the next year's WrestleMania. Ted hung around for a few more years but couldn't get over. Cody grew a mustache. And Randy Orton is behind you.

[The Gaffer]

Enjoying the hell out of reading these. Good stuff, lads!

[Fatty Facesitter]

Loving these, grand job everyone. More of you should be writing for sites, there's so many shite wrestling show reviewers/reviews doing the rounds online these days and some of these knock them for six. 

[Onyx2]

Randy Orton v Daniel Bryan, Hell in a Cell 2013 by @TildeGuy~!

Here we go it’s the main event of the evening 

Randy Orton Vs Daniel Bryan for the WWE Championship inside HELL IN A CELL including Shawn Michaels as your special guest referee.

Shawn Michaels signals for the bell and we’re underway!

The crowd seem up for it as a Yes chant breaks out as Bryan goes straight for Orton with right hands, Orton throw Bryan out of the ring but Bryan gets straight back in and gets snap powerslammed for his troubles, Orton sets up for the DDT through the ropes but Bryan fights out goes to the top and hits a missile dropkick as Daniel Bryan chants can be heard from around the arena.

Kicks in the corner from Bryan but Orton fights back and hits a drop kick in the middle of the ring, Michael Cole reminds us these 2 men have main evented the last 3 pay per views together, Orton works his boring stompy style and throws Bryan against the cell he then sends him into the steel steps as the crowd dies a death after the opening 3 minutes due to Ortons style.

Orton picks up the steps and hits Bryan with them and then places them in the corner outside the ring he try’s to Irish whip Bryan but is reversed as Orton goes crashing into them, the crowd are back onside - Bryan was so over at this point in his career.

Yes Kicks outside by Bryan and he throws Orton against the cell a few times, he rolls Orton back in the ring for a 2 count, and then goes back to Yes Kicks for a good 90 seconds, Bryan then dropkicks Orton over the top rope and hits 2 successive Suicide Dives but Orton side steps the 3rd as Bryan goes crashing into the cell, Orton hits a back breaker on the outside and throws him back in for a 2 as the crowd chant “we want tables” 8 minutes into the main event.

Michael Cole reminds us that Shawn Michaels was voted in as the special guest referee after a record amount of votes were made on the WWE app (I’m assuming Foley was one of the picks as he always is)  Orton with some headbutts and Bryan counters with a sunset flip powerbomb off the second rope. 

YES/NO punch spot from the pair and Bryan wins it with a clothesline, Bryan then hits Orton with a dropkick in the corner and a Frakensteiner from the top and a diving head butt for another 2 count.  Bryan puts on the Yes lock but there’s no rope breaks so Orton gets out of the ring, Bryan’s turn to throw Orton into the cell and then hits another running dropkick, Bryan gets a chair from under the ring and hits Orton with it 4 times and throw it into the ring and then another AND ANOTHER AND ANOTHER, there’s abou 10 chairs in the ring as an ECW chant kicks off.

Orton takes advantage naturally...

He hits Bryan with about 5 chairshots for a 2 count, and then groups all the chairs together in the middle of the ring and then connects with a superplex on all the chairs, I say all the chairs but Bryan’s feet connected with about 2 of them, Bryan kicks out and out comes THE GAME to mega boos (which have been edited into the version I’m watching) he has a word with Michaels he tells Shawn to “do your job and do it right” as Orton hits a T-Bone Suplex, goes for the cover and then HHH and Orton have a go at HBK for being distracted.

Orton and HBK get back in the ring and Orton hits Bryan with the hanging DDT, all the chairs have disappeared from the ring, I have no idea how and when that happened, Triple H is going mental on the outside climbing the cage telling Michaels to do his job as Orton signals for the RKO but Bryan pushes him off and Straight into the special guest referee, Triple H is now worried Shawn has a major injury and sends an EMT in.  Bryan hits the running knee but there’s no one to count the fall, Bryan tries to get Michaels up on his feet as Triple H enters the ring and throws Bryan off him so he can check on his mate, Bryan his Triple H with the running knee but then...

 

SWEET CHIN MUSIC... 1....2....3

Randy Orton Defeats Daniel Bryan - 22:28

[Onyx2]

Randy Orton vs Sheamus, Hell in a Cell 2010 by @Joe Blog

 

First off I hope you all appreciate how much of a slog this will be, I find both men so so so bland. I was not watching any wwe around this time but I am not even going to watch too much of the build up as I cannot stand them. So Orton is champ and Sheamus wants his belt. Orton also punted Jericho on Raw so I presume that the punt will play into this. Orton is the face here. 

 

Sheamus is in the ring and is looking around the cell grinning. I presume he is supposed to be doing a “ah fella this is my type of fight” vibe; sadly he just looks like a fucking simpleton, Fella. 

 

Orton’s music hit and a arena of full of women scream. Orton looks good, he has his bald head and is looking lean. 

 

The announcer does his announcing when both men are in the ring, they are having a stare off and Orton has weirdly cocked his head to one side, I think he wants to fuck Sheamus. Now he is holding the belt up, he probably rubbed his knob on it and now expects Sheamus to shake it or something (the belt, not his knob). 

 

Little Naitch is the ref and he is already my favourite thing about this match. 

 

Jesus, the video is telling me that there is 9 minutes left of the match which has not even started. Why on earth would you wheel out the cell for a 9 min match. On the plus side it has cheered me up that I only have to endure 9 minutes of Randy Boreton (hahahahahah) and Tangy Balls. 

 

Here we go, two men who hate each other so much they have been locked in the most demonic structure in the WWE in order to inflict as much pain as possible on one another........and they lock up. For fuck sake lads. Why me. 

 

They do that push around for a while until they push off each other and now Sheamus is clubbing Orton who clearly cannot be fucked as he is no selling. Exchanging punches which Sheamus at least has the decency to sell. Fuck sake Orton. 

 

Orton takes charge with a clothesline and then some heelish digs on Sheamus. People say he is methodical, I say he is a lazy fuck. Sheamus fires back with more clubbing blows and I am already tempted to jump out my bedroom window. 

 

They went to the outside, Sheamus tries to ram Ortons head into the cell but Randy blocks it, before he can capitalise Sheamus slides back in the ring. I actually like that, Sheamus kills Ortons momentum and takes the high ground advantage. Still a pair of boring fucks though. 

 

Orton does that big jumping knee he does and the crowd actually popped. Why? 

 

Ah it is Cole, King and Striker on commentary. That is all.

 

Sheamus whips Orton into the cell, I did not see them go to the outside as my dog has just had a buster collar put on as she has scratched her eye and she just walked into the door three times before she got out the room. Very funny yet also sad. 

 

Sheamus grabs the steps and hurls them at Orton who got out the way about a minute earlier so Sheamus looks a right wally here. Oh my dog is back and got in first time, good dog. 

 

Orton in control again, he runs Fella into the cell twice, they look weak as piss and then hits him with the steps. Yawn. 

 

Sheamus suplex’s orton to the apron then shoulder blocks him into the cell. That was ok. 4 mins left and I am already getting twitchy. 

 

Back in ring, 2 count, mudhole stomps by Sheamus, WHAT WHAT WHAT. 

 

This is fucking horrid. 

 

Oh hang on this is only Part 1!!!!! No, this is a cruel twist I was not ready for. Hello darkness my old friend. 

 

Found part 2 and it shows it as being 14 minutes. What fresh hell is this. Ha hell, like in a cell. Christ this match has already sent me over the edge. 

 

Sheamus got some heat on Orton and removed a turnbuckle pad, then Orton back suplexed him, Orton is in the corner where the tiny metal ring is exposed, Sheamus charges, Orton moves and Sheamus hits it. Both men down. If I was little Naitch I would call and audible and tell them to take it home. 

 

Orton fires up, line, line, duck, powerslam/scoopslam (what is that called, you know the move where you catch them as they come off the ropes, Orton and Goldust do it)

 

Orton makes his lips wobble to show he is fired up and does a belly to belly suplex which is horrid. Striker tells me Ortons ribs must be sore and I am not surprised as all Sheamus has done is punch them, presumably to weaken them for when he kicks Orton in the head, nah me neither. 

 

RKO chant from the crowd and I have fantasies that they are actually saying Take It Home. 

 

Backbreaker by Orton, you know that cool one he does using his own back to break an opponents back. Slappy mat time, mind that shoulder Randall. Is it time for an RKO? It is not, push away by Shea and a kitchen sink, I do love a kitchen sink.

 

Sheamus has brought the steps in, the commentators are still talking about Ortons ribs, why? Did Sheamus use a rib breaker as his finish at this time? Because if not then fuck all these guys. 

 

Mussy went for a running powerslam onto the steps but Orts slipped off and hit his scoopy powerslam ONTO THE STEPS.

 

Orton just hit Fella with his hanging DDT, FROM THE APRON ONTO THE PADDED FLOOR, BAAAAHHHH GAAAWWWWWDDD. And the crowd pop again. Stop it. Randy literally just rolled over put his hand on Sheamus’ shoulder and had a chat. 

 

7 minutes left and I pray to all the Gods that 6 of those are someone celebrating a win. 

 

Back in and Sheamus hits his backbreaker, the one where he lifts them in a rock bottom like way and then does it over one knee. Oh he did this whilst standing on the steps so that the only part of human anatomy that hit the steps was his own fucking knee. I give up. 

 

Brogue kick, right to the face, lucky he spent so long weakening those ribs. 1 2 kick out, oh for the love of. 

 

Sheamus has a chair and has just pummelled Ortons back. Booooo. 

 

Orton ducks the chair shot and RKO hahahahah Sheamus threw the chair at the ropes and it ricocheted (no not that guy) every where. Much hilarity. RKO and sell and Mussy rolls out. LIE STILL YOU BASTARD AND PUT ME OUT MY MISERY. 

 

I have skipped a bit, not much. Both of them are on either side of the steps in the ring and Orton hits an RKO where much much more of his body hits the steps than Sheamus’. Luckily that is all it takes and thankfully this match is over. 

 

I hated it all. Horrid. No sign of the punt. Fuck all these guys. 

 

[Onyx2]

CM Punk v Ryback and Paul Heyman, Hell in a Cell 2013 by @Harvey Dent

We head to the American Airlines Arena in Miami, Florida for the 2013 Hell in a Cell. By now this has been an annual event for 5 years and the amount of cell matches since the 1997 original has skyrocketed.

Today’s serving is CM Punk vs Ryback… and Paul Heyman in a 2-on-1 handicap match. I have absolutely zero recollection of this, to the point where I’d queued myself up CM Punk vs Ryback, in the Cell, from the previous year’s show before I realised I had the wrong one. There’s no hype video, but Cole takes us back to Raw to explain what on earth is going on here. That explains that Punk beat someone, who I didn’t even clock, to pick this match and stipulation. No context as to why, glad we've cleared that up. The cell lowers as Cult of Personality comes blasting through the PA.

CM PUNK! CM PUNK! CM PUNK!

Remember when people chanted that and he was actually here? Seems a novelty now. Punk comes out, looking like a vegan Wolverine in a hoodie, and is over big time with the crowd.  Ryback’s music hits and out he comes, looking huge. His crowd reaction is anything but huge though, if his music wasn’t playing you’d hear a pin drop. 

After Ryback reaches the cell Paul Heyman is driven out in a cherry picker with a smarmy look on his face, every inch the comic book villain. Heyman cuts a promo as the cherry picker rises to the top of the cell, proclaiming he is “satan himself”. 

The match gets underway with Punk and Ryback in the ring, as drones of “Goooolbeeerg” chants pick up in the arena. Heyman is now standing atop the cell as Punk hits a suicide dive to the outside on Ryback. The two men brawl on the outside and Ryback takes over. The crowd is still dead for him as he beats down Punk back in the ring.

A section of the crowd start to chant “we want tables”, as if to amuse themselves as Ryback continues to plod around, wearing Punk down. A belly to back suplex gets The Big Guy a 2 count as support starts to swell for CM Punk to get back into it. Punk fights back and goes for his springboard clothesline, only for Ryback to catch him mid-air and hit a powerslam for another 2 count. The Big Guy calls for the end and hoists up Punk for the Shellshocked but Punk manages to wrestle free and grab a kendo stick.

Punk takes shots with the kendo stick whilst Heyman looks down from above. CM Punk takes down Ryback and heads up top for a big diving elbow. Dig it. 1….2… and Ryback gets the shoulder up. Punk goes to town with the kendo stick, striking Ryback on the ground, and heads outside to get a table. The crowd finally shows sparks of life.

Ryback cuts off Punk setting up the table and the crowd dies a death again. With the table on its side, Ryback dodges a kick and crotches Punk on the table’s edge. Ryback picks up the table and again signals that it’s over. Punk though with a stiff low blow puts Ryback on the table and CM Punk heads to the top again for another big elbow. Freak out, Freak out. 

Punk crashes down onto Ryback, through the table, as the CM PUNK chants ring out. Punk hoists up Ryback onto his shoulders for the GTS and hits it; the knee square to the jaw.

1….2…..3. And that’s that. CM Punk beats Ryback and Paul Heyman…. Who has been on top of the cell the whole time. Punk wedges a kendo stick in his tights and begins to scale the cell as Heyman hams it up. Punk takes down Heyman with some heavy and relentless kendo stick shots as the crowd chants YES! for every one. CM Punk hits Heyman with a GTS on top of the cell and celebrates as his music hits.

The match itself was poor. No crowd reaction, no real story. If ever they needed a pre-match hype video on the story of how they got here this was the time. No one gave a shit about Ryback; Punk could’ve wrestled a paper bag for 10 minutes before going up to Heyman and it would have had the same effect. The aftermath with Heyman is fun though and Paul played his role well. Not surprised I couldn't remember this though,  *1/2.

[Kaz Hayashi]

Fuck sake, I’ve been reading these and thoroughly enjoying them. As a gesture of ‘good effort’ I’ve been reading and then giving a green arrow/thumbs up to each entrant for keeping me entertained.

Ive just bloody realised that @Onyx2 is posting them all.

I bet that was your plan all along wasn’t it?

[air_raid]

32 minutes ago, Kaz Hayashi said:

 

Ive just bloody realised that @Onyx2 is posting them all.

I bet that was your plan all along wasn’t it?

 

Those can be retracted, you know...

😎

[Kaz Hayashi]

16 minutes ago, air_raid said:

Those can be retracted, you know...

😎

I’ve made my bed.

[Onyx2]

My plan to rape all that sweet, sweet karma is discovered 😔

I had planned to run through all the upvotes and do a tally at the end, for those that were dishing out the love. 

[Onyx2]

Roman Reigns v Bray Wyatt, HIAC 2015 by @air_raid

So, here's a match I didnt watch. I didn't watch any of Reigns v Wyatt, I didnt see the point. None of Roman's placeholder feuds outside any Mania season have interested me because they've just come across as padding things out until it was time for him to go after the belt again. Plus, Bray's Bray and has been finished since the Cena feud, realistically. His WWE title win was almost cynical in terms of how out of nowhere it was and how artificially tied in to Orton winning the Rumble it was. I know nothing except who wins, there's a table bump, and my mate Chris said it was good.

As I flick through the Network on the way to this match I see Del Rio return to have another perfectly average run, hear JBL quoting Sun Tzu, get reminded that were explicitly referring to "Demon Kane" for a bit which sounded awful clunky, and that they insulted us by presenting said Kane as a threat to Rollins as champion in 2015. No fucking chance mate. Video reminds me Bray attacked Reigns during a MITB because reasons, just like all Bray feuds, in a "oh, I guess he's with Bray for a bit then" just like how you'll read he stenched up the conclusion to Rollins v Ambrose. Wyatt feuds just HAPPEN and there's no real rhyme or reason. I also see the lame debut of the then-awful Braun. Also, what genius decided having Bray use "Anyone but you" towards Reigns was going to help quell the existing anti-Roman sentiment?? Build video is well produced but hasn't made me give a shit yet, let's hope the match delivers some substance.

Entrances, and I forget Roman was still entering through the crowd at this point. Noteworthy here is how fucking abysmal Cole, King and JBL are. All three of them are phoning it in terribly, just dropping bored-sounding generic soundbytes like you're playing one of the video games. JoJo bothers to announce that the only way to win is pinfall or submission which after 18 years of presenting the gimmick should be a surprise to bastard nobody. The climax of inane waffle from the comms desk comes as Roman enters and Maggle tells us that Wyatt and him are only the 34th and 35th wrestlers to ever enter the Cell. What am I supposed to do with that? Who the fuck cares? I'm dying for the ghost of Bobby Heenan to say "Name them." Pointless fact.

Bit of standard brawling to start. Comms team are utterly lifeless. JBL refers to Bray as a "side-tracktion" (sic) from Roman's pursuit of the belt which echoes my feelings and at least somewhat explains why he sounds so bored. Two exploders from Reigns, we're outside, Drive By, he whips Bray into the mesh once, bonks his noggin into the steps them whips him again. Back inside and Wyatt turns the tide with a kendo stick he's fished out from under the ring and brings it inside to dole out a few more blows to a decent reaction from the crowd. This has been ok so far.

Nice spot on the outside where Bray has wedged the kendo stick into the corner of the Cell then snaps it with Reigns' face, but then he's reversed face first into a chair he'd suspended in the air using the meshing of the Cell wall. Novel.

Commentators still sounding bored and delivering endless bland phrases. "Be careful what you bring out, it could be used against you" muses JBL and honestly I wonder what he's watching on his phone because he's got no interest in his job at this moment, none of them have. It's really distracting.

Reigns wears Bray out with two kendo sticks, shoves a table into the ring then sets another one up at ringside. We're moving along at a decent pace here. Roman thinks suplex from the apron through the table but Wyatt blocks and wipes him out with his uranage slam instead. Comms come alive at last, "He's finished" proclaims Lawler though without sounding like he believes it. First two count of the match, senton, another cover for two. Spot more brawling, Wyatt attempts a superplex through a table but Reigns wriggles out and powerbombs him through it for a decent nearfall. Cole isn't saying "for the win" and it's really refreshing. Reigns runs the ropes and nearly runs into Sister Abigails Kiss but he reverses slickly into a schoolboy then hits a Superman Punch for a very good 2.... "for the win" kicks in at last, sadly.

Out to the apron and Reigns spears Wyatt off the apron through another table.

Rolled back in for a two count, Roman goes for another spear but runs into a boot and then Sister Abigails Kiss like lightning which looks really smooth and I laugh now as I remember there are people that think Roman Reigns isn't a good wrestler. "For the win" count : 2 as Wyatt gets a convincing nearfall. Bray slips kendo sticks into the sheaths (oo-er) that house the turnbuckles so they're protruding out of the corner, tries to ram Reigns in face first but gets reversed. Spear by Reigns that looks great because Wyatt absolutely throws himself into the air, really gets cleaned out, 1-2-3.

Good match, looks like about 23 minutes from entrances to pinfall. Did I believe the feud had escalated to the point it needed the Cell to contain it? No. Did they do much that built on what could be done in a normal no DQ match? No. There's your problem with the dilution of the gimmick and using it in an environment without as much tolerance for blood and without expecting your wrestlers to take the big fall. Did I enjoy the match, for what it was? Yes, two good wrestlers had a good match. They hit hard, a couple of sequences looked great, it didn't outstay its welcome. Would I watch it again? Probably not. It was good, but not memorable. There's your problem with WWE presentation over the last ten years, for me and my taste. Inconsequential filler.

[Onyx2]

Sasha v Charlotte, HIAC 2017 by @air_raid

OK, so here's the thing. I loved Sasha, and even though she was better as a heel (and still is) I was happy they turned her at the Rumble so the live crowds could cheer her like I did. However, they then booked the rest of the year making her look solidly inferior to Charlotte to build the latter up for.... well, I thought Bayley at the time but they fucked that up and immediately started using HER to build Alexa. So ultimately nobody benefited from Unstoppable Heel Charlotte, then they moved her to SmackDown and phantom turned her and it wasn't until Ronda that Raw got a proper lead babyface. Oh well, let's see how this one holds up, I'm sure I'll be pissing blood by the end.

Build video is utterly shit, barely touching on their feud during the year and focusing on the announcement and contract signing hosted by a very homeless-looking GM Foley - I'd love the second to second comparison of time focused on either woman vs shots of Foley from 1998 here. Entrances and Charlotte is brought out on a throne by four burly lads and looks even more of a smug cunt than normal.

There's a pause awaiting the champion so Boston can chant "We want Sasha" and if the repeated pulling the rug out under Banks wasn't frustrating enough, I just remembered they're about to fuck her in her hometown. The Boss comes out in a car like in Brooklyn. Someone in the crowd has a "Sasha's Ratchet" sign. Blasphemy.

Intros before the Cell has lowered which is weird. While it's coming down (with music) "The Queen" attacks Sasha and hurls her outside before the Cell fully lowers. Reasonably even brawling in the crowd then Sasha removes monitors from one of the comms desks. Charlotte starts scaling the Cell to escape but the champion follows her and the crowd are loving it. Each tries to bounce the others face off the mesh, the challenger is first to drop back down to the floor, she pulls Sasha down and powerbombs her through the commentary table. Breathe.

Protracted sell by Sasha as Charlotte shouts "This your girl??" at Boston. WHAT A CUNT. They imply Sasha can't stand and Charlotte gets up on the comms table to mockingly chant "Let's Go Sasha." A stretcher comes out and they try and get Banks on it as Charlotte stands in the ring shouting "Bring me my title!" Seriously, I dont know how anyone cheers for her. This goes on a little too long for a teased non-start anyone with a brain knows isn't happening. Jojo begins to announce Charlotte the winner by forfeit and The Boss springs to life, fights off some refs to get into the Cell, the bell finally rings.

Sasha unloads on Charlotte including throwing her into the mesh outside the ring but its a fleeting and Charlotte regains the edge with a monkey flip into the Cell wall which folds Sasha up, ouch.

Back inside she works over the bad back including an SOS into the buckles. Michael Cole "for the (championship)" count : 1. Another SOS attempt is reversed into the backstabber which Banks floats over into the Bank Statement but Charlotte just picks her up and drops her back first onto the apron.

Sasha regains the advantage with two baseball slides and a suicide dive. Back in the ring they jockey for a move using a chair that's made its way in, Sasha hits a drop toehold and bounces Charlotte face first off it a few times but runs straight into a sidewalk slam onto it.

Sasha selling the back is almost "this is hard to watch" level convincing, for me. 2 count, "for the (championship)" count : 2. Charlotte stretches the champ around the ring post but when she turns around to jaw with a fan Sasha boots her into the mesh. Sasha takes a run up and Charlotte elevates her but she catches herself "like Spider-Man" as they love to say and backsprings with double knees - that looks great.

Another double knees to standing Charlotte while she's upright then another while slumped down on her behind, up against the mesh. Good stuff. Back in the ring, double knees, Three Amigos, frog splash gets 2. Michael Cole does "to retain" which is champions equivalent of "for the title," I wish he'd fuck off.

Sasha hits her corner tabletop double knees with a chair underneath for extra impact for a convincing nearfall - "to retain" count : 2. Charlotte bounces Sashas face off the steps then sets a table up looking for a superplex to the floor but Sasha boots her off the apron through the table. Mild booing from the crowd? Were they desperate for a bigger bump or something? Weird.

Back in and another table works its way in (uh oh). Big boot by Charlotte then she applies the Figure 8 but Sasha escapes by hitting the challenger three times with a chair. Crowd approves. Tilt-a-whirl into attempted Bank Statement gets reversed into two Bret Hart spinebreakers followed by a sidewalk slam, "to win the Womens Championship" says Cole at the 2 count. You suck, pal. Charlotte goes for a moonsault with Banks on the table but gets intercepted, Sasha props the table up in the other corner and goes for a running powerbomb but her backs gives out and she collapses. Two attempts at hurling Sasha through the table from Charlotte but it doesn't break either time....

Natural Selection for the slightly anti-climactic three count. Of course Michael Cole doesn't say "for the"/"to win" because it's actually the finish.

The match was good in that this was a feud that felt like it had escalated to the point the Cell was justified and the wrestlers did things they wouldn't be able to do in a regular match. But they piss on that by having them have a Falls Anywhere match on Raw and ACTUALLY wrap things up in an Iron Woman match on a subsequent PPV. For fuck sake, if the Cell isn't settling your feud, you shouldn't be going in it. Ahem. I still can't believe Sasha didn't win this match. Never mind cutting her balls off again so soon after the previous time and making her look a loser we couldn't put any faith in to get the job done, and never mind how they really fucked her with that last match making her loser, quitter and choke artist all at once, and never mind they made her look a loser later with Alexa too. In isolation they wrote the wrote the typical heroism and comeback from adversity match, then they just had her die, and the villain of the piece just outfight and outlast her. Fucked her in her own home. The Boston Screwjob. Sickening. It wasn't easier second time, I'm never watching it again. Total bastards.

[Onyx2]

And that's all I have for now. If anyone else sends something through just bung it straight up here. My inbox has never been so full!

/kennethwilliams