Frankie Crisp

Caroline Polachek - Blood and Butter

My missus’ local has changed hands/got a new chef and fuck me, they’ve upped their game.

I’m retiring. Fry-up of the year.

This was more like it.

James Mason’s diction was always perfect in every role he played.

Kiefer Sutherland has a very soothing and charming voice, too.

Jackson Pollock just sorted my tea out.

Usually, that’d be a five or six out of ten, but I was fucking famished after ‘some post-work Christmas drinks’ and it hit all the right sides. Eight, easily.

See you in the shitting thread in the morning.

We’re up for it.

Mushroom aside, that looks a belter of a brekkie, @ReturnOfTheMack.

Thanks to a lack of nationalised rail, I had an unexpected few hours in Tamworth today.

Decent effort, but the black pudding was nowhere near the standard of last week’s one in York. Sausages were lovely. Everything else was okay, but I’m still adamant that poached eggs are better than fried eggs, even when the latter are cooked to perfection. Which these ones were not.

I don’t know, 6/10?

Sandi Toksvig was in Mission Control when Apollo 11 landed on the moon.

Fuming. I had a solid 4/10 Photoshop ready, involving Dirty Den, a four-loss streak and ‘Oh, Ange’.

Still, good news about the Chocolate Oranges.

Look, it’s @Keith Houchen’s favourite!

Shambles Tavern, York.

Smashing. Apart the bacon doing an impression of Simon Weston, this was top drawer. Crispy black pudding, perfect hash browns and delicious sausages. A tenner. Considering a pint around here is over half that, this was a steal. 8.5/10.

Cracking little boozer, too. Recommended if anyone’s ever up this way.

In a very UKFF moment, @Wretch was one of the first to message me about Dean Sullivan’s passing.

I said to him at the time that I’d had almost as many notifications about this as I had when Thatcher carked it. Since then, big Jimmy has well overtaken her.

He also died on the same day as George Harrison, so I’m breaking into Darren Ambrose’s house on 28th November next year and wrapping him in cotton wool.

Rest in peace, Deano. Meme machine and wonderful bloke.

Knowing how the show ended, it makes the voiceover to the show’s intro all the better; recorded in a similar way to the Malcolm X intro to Cult of Personality. A minor but good touch.

David Johansen.

Just been blitzing the cloud drive. This is from a couple of months ago in Greece - behold my fat back and bald patch.

3 hours ago, Gus Mears said:

Not to go all Duane here but there has to be more to this than meets the (brown) eye. Why would a big shit snap the seat? The physics don't make sense unless you sat down like Earthquake or have an arse like Jimmy Hill's chin.

More the Earthquake thing. Whilst I didn’t run the ropes before I parked my arse, it was one of those dumps that made me walk rapidly and I sat down firmly and swiftly. I had to let it all out whilst trying to keep the front of the seat in place with my thighs. Good kebab, though.

So. I’ve really been trying to get myself in better shape the last few months. Every now and again, I’d go through these little bursts of running, boxing etc. but it invariably gets fucked off because I never really had the motivation or desire to look after myself.

In the last few months, though, I’ve tried. I’ve really tried. Running most days, waking rather than driving and more importantly, eating much, much better than I have done in my entire adult life.

The main reason for the upturn in self-care is my wonderful girlfriend and wanting to be a better person for her and - quite frankly - not wanting to die on her with a big massive stroke or heart attack or whatever.

Anyway, I’ve now got a PT. He’s fucking sadistic. He breaks me every single time but do you know what, he’s brilliant. I’ve lost a good load of beef and I’m sticking to his nutrition plan. No junk food, no crap and I’m loving the stuff he’s put me on to. Porridge, protein, water, good veg, fruit. All that shite. All the stuff I’d usually swerve for ten McDonald’s hash browns, but here I am.

Anyway, I’ve been really happy with my progress and thinking I’m doing well. This morning, my PT had to cancel today’s session right in the middle of the worst morning of my professional life; EVERYTHING went wrong and my head just went. I lost it. I didn’t give a fuck. 

I came home, ordered the biggest kebab from the place around corner and devoured it, maybe just to give me that guilt/pleasure thing but I told myself it was one slip and it wouldn’t be a big problem. I’ve lost loads of weight and I deserve it after such a bad day and let’s be honest, I can work the calories off, so what’s the worst that can happen?

I’ve just been for a shit and broke the toilet seat. 

Maybe I haven’t lost that much weight.

Jesus Fucking Christ.