Forrest

Are we getting a UKFF awards this year? I've seen nothing about it and this time last year, the nominations were just finishing up.

I really enjoyed his one minute burst at Survivor Series 2000 against the Radicalz. I believe that is his career highlight. I thought his Capitol Punishment title match with Cena was good fun as well, though.

Everything else is dross.

I remember he was featured heavily on a compilation of Mexican garbage matches with guys like Damien 666. It was fucking shite. I'm all for suspension of disbelief, but I draw the line at referees adjusting lighttubes balanced across two garden chairs. I wanted to love it, but I couldn't. He could be very interesting in the X-Division though.

The same WWE that's just given Davey Richards and his mate trial bookings in NXT?

 

Isn't it a trial because they don't want to sign many more Indy blokes though?

 

Yes it is. Amazing how they will sign people from outside sports with zero experience on the spot, yet this is their mentality with the Indy guys.

Why exactly is it such a bad thing that they're signing people from outside sports? If these people are willing to work and put in the graft, why shouldn't we have people from places outside of wrestling? It's no different from when all these Indy workers started out in shitarse town halls. Wrestling is supposed to be a cultural stew of wild and wacky characters, not a bunch of identikit chop merchants. I personally think that if you lots of people from different countries and backgrounds descending on your company, and you can put over the fact that these disparate characters are travelling from all over the place to fight for a shot to be your world champion, that can do wonders for your outside perception.

I don't understand this belief that wrestling should just be for "proper" wrestlers. It's no different from if you or me wanted to start getting in the ropes, except that these people are probably far more athletically suited. I find it to be a very elitist way of looking at things. Similar to when people bemoan TV writers on the creative team. If they're bringing something new to the way wrestling works, shouldn't we be applauding that?

The tremendous Japanese poster for the greatest christmas film of all time.

 

Odd. That doesn't look like Die Hard.

Watching Samoa Joe eat all those sandwiches at the funeral was probably the first time I've actually been inerested by something Joe has done in ages. I don't care for Joe when he's acting like a lethal killing machine because I've seen it all before, but I found it quite funny that Joe spent about three seconds of this segment not eating. It made him more human and more relatable in the sense that he just likes a free scran as much as the next person. They should make it a running joke that Joe is never seen in segments without food. It's not going to save the company, and Joe would probably put on tons of weight, but I would like it.

They'll just have him go on another streak until AJ comes back and Daniels will somehow win a title shot to set up the thousandth chapter in their 3-way saga, though.

I know this is pretty verboten for the TNA thread, but I've actually enjoyed quite a few things on Impact recently.

Turning Point was decent. I enjoyed all the hardcorey type matches. I was actually interested in Turning Point! They did a better job building this than Survivor Series!

One thing I really liked was Sam (sorry, Samuel) Shaw. That was the weirdest thing I have seen in a wrestling show for a long time. It looked like the opening minutes of a skinflick where they tried to set up a storyline. Why was Christy Hemme sent to his house to conduct a 35 second interview? Why was Sam Shaw's house completely devoid of possessions? Why is he spending his life drawing Jeff Hardy? Why did he readjust the pen and paper that Christy used? What the hell were those really gory-looking drawings that Sam didn't want to show Christy? I really want to find out what they do with this, but I fear it'll be another Wyatt family deal that gets blown out the water when they step into the ring.

Also, I liked Great Muta having his dinner on Impact. I liked AJ Styles pointing at a massive fan and saying "Japanese" to indicate what race she is, ijust in case we were confused. I like Dixie calling Japan and Mexico "third world countries". I liked the fact that Aces and Eights trumped the nWo story by actually having a blow-off match. I really enjoyed the A&8 funeral. I really enjoyed Zema Ion becoming an obnoxious DJ prick. I fucking LOVE the siren. More sirens in Wrestling.

But you know what? I just don't fucking care about watching the matches. The matches are just like Raw, boring as hell with no rhyme or reason to them. If they could just scrap the matches and turn it into a really odd soap opera, that would be amazing. It won't last though, they'll get AJ back and start trying to book proper matches again and I won't care but for now, TNA's on a really bizarre roll.

Got bored, decided to watch a load of FMW stuff mainly involving Onita who ran the company. I'm a novice in terms of having seen clips of this stuff, but I found a list of recommended matches and thought I'd give it a go.

Atsushi Onita vs. Tarzan Goto

It's not technically a deathmatch, but it's anything goes, so I suppose it counts. We start with a deep thought promo from Goto outside the arena. Even though it's in Japanese, this was a really cool way to put over this match being a big deal. The match is a standard brawl, but Goto makes it great. The two of them trade headbutts, clashing against each other loads of times so stiff it gave ME a headache. Really wouldn't happen nowadays. Nowinski would be heaving. I love Tarzan Goto, he has a one shoulder leopard skin leotard on and is a proper savage, choking, stomping and headbutting the life out of Onita. Onita does colour within about 45 seconds of the bell ringing. Goto nearly decapitates a cameraman trying to throw a table at Onita. This was really just a fun-as-hell typical 90s Japan brawl, with Onita winning after three powerbombs, a piledriver and a brawl. You've seen it before, you'll see it again, but I enjoyed it, damnit!

Atsushi Onita vs. Tarzan Goto - First Time No Rope Exploding Barbwire Deathmatch

This takes place in what looks like a giant open warehouse/factory thing, which is odd. You can tell this is the first ever match of this kind, because both men are incredibly green to this type of match. You don't realise how small a ring actually is, until you can't touch the sides. Onita in particular constantly finds himself rolling to the ropes and trips the charges by accident on several occasions. The first time it happens, you'd think the crowd had just witnessed a sniper attack on Onita. In terms of using the gimmick, they clearly weren't sure what to do, but the fact they kept tripping the wires by accident kind of added a human quality to it that a lot of these matches tend to lose. The match itself was pretty devoid of action, as both guys worked a submission-heavy match in the middle of the ring, avoiding the ropes, with lots of restholds and a figure four that genuinely lasts about two minutes. I had listened to a recent Review-A-Wai where they mentioned that when Flair worked Japan, the Japanese didn't subscribe to the strategy of reversing the Figure Four by turning it over. It just wasn't something they did, so it was interesting to see Onita try to reverse the lock on Goto, only for Goto to roll him round 360 degrees and counter the pain back onto Onita in one fluid motion. The match built to one big spot when Goto went into the ropes spectacularly. It was an interesting match for the novelty of this first time gimmick, but I'm sure the matches will get better once Onita and co. figure how to incorporate teases more and use the ropes more inventively. Onita looks like he wants to jack in wrestling and go work in an office doing accounts at the end of this. He looks as if his house has blown up and he has escaped from the wreckage, but his family are still inside. What a showman.

Atsushi Onita vs. Tarzan Goto - First Time Electrified Barbed Wire Cage Match

This is clipped inventively, which I suppose really works from this sort of grimoire VHS spectacle wrestling.The board I got this list from also had a post from a guy who worked in a videp shop and begged his boss to get in FMW tapes for ages. When they finally got them in, he noted that the covers with blood, gore, fire and explosions on it would be rented out constantly, whereas the tapes with people like Hayabusa in standard poses collected dust on the shelves. Says it all really. If it's positioned next to the WCW and WWF stuff, that's incorrect, because it should be over in the dark corner with Cannibal Holocaust and those Faces of Death tapes that were full of footage of executions. This stuff is made to be high-impact and high-energy, so showing a full 15 minute match isn't as visually striking. Cage looks insane as we see clips of it being built. Clip is six minutes long, but it's stitched together so well with a load of cool angles that you don't ever feel like you've missed anything. There's still a few diddy errors from Onita tripping charges by accident, but it doesn't set off the whole thing which is good. Goto staggers about and teases falling into the cage for a massive reaction. When we finally get the long-awaited bump when Onita gets on Goto's back for a sleeper, only for Goto to run himself into the cage, it looks AMAZING. Extra credit to the referee who sells every explosion with a massive dive to the ground, even when he's miles from it. He really added to it. Onita won, as he always does in these types of matches, but in reality the result means very little. The clipping meant it didn't drag and you could see they were getting a better hang of the explosives. The camerawork really put this over as some sort of seedy, underground Kickboxer-style tournament to the death, which is exactly how it should be portrayed.

Sabu vs. Hayabusa

And on the other end of the spectrum, here we have a case of really bad editing killing a match's flow. Hayabusa was the traditional hometown babyface hero, Sabu was an utter fucking madman who was on the right side of reckless. This was just a bunch of spots, with a lot of downtime cut out. There wasn't really much time to let things breathe. I think if I was watching this first time when it came out on VHS with no prior knowledge of either of these guys, this would have blown my mind, but after watching 10/15 years of Sabu matches, this wasn't as great as I expected it to be. Sabu did all his usual spots, while Hayabusa tried to fight back with his own style of offense. It was interesting to note that Sabu tried to ground Hayabusa, trying to take him down by the legs, from the very beginning but once it got going, there was nothing as technical as even a takedown. I really enjoyed the Sabu suicide dive into a seated Hayabusa's lap, and Hayabusa nearly broke Sabu's jaw with a VICIOUS roundhouse kick, but apart from that, there wasn't much of note here from Sabu. The crowd was dead when they weren't busting out the high moves. After a leg drop through the table, Sabu spent the rest of the match verbally selling his injury to his back shouting "OWWWWW! MY BACK!" over and over again, making him sound like my 60-year-old father-in-law and not like a homicidal, suicidal, genocidal maniac that superglues his own wounds together. Hayabusa looked absolutely brilliant, winning with an amazing shooting star press, but Sabu kept writhing around, looking like he was having a seizure, as the referee made the count.

Atsushi Onita vs. Tiger Jeet Singh - No Rope Exploding Barbwire Deathmatch

Tiger Jeet Singh is the son of WWF failure Tiger Ali Singh. He cuts a promo in English that is less intelligible than the Japanese ones about how he will defeat Onita and become Japan's Number 1! He waddles like the Iron Sheik at Wrestlemania X-7. We see some amazing shots of the ring, the wire and the charges, and it all looks like a macabre intro to coverage of the PGA Tour, with some amazing parping synth sounds specifically designed to be narrated over by Peter Alliss and shots of fans and camera crew. Onita has a vignette where he's the silent badass getting ready in the locker room. This is in a proper baseball stadium, there must be at least 50,000 people here. We have fucking HELICOPTER SHOTS of the crowd. Outside of Wrestlemanias and Summerslam '92, this may be the largest crowd I have ever seen at a wrestling event. Tiger Jeet Singh comes out and starts throwing THE BARRIERS AT PEOPLE IN THE CROWD. There are police out there to stop him. He's waving A SWORD about in people's faces. Singh enters the ring and immediately hammers Onita repeatedly in the face with the sword before throwing him into the wire straight away, to the horror of the crowd. We get a helicopter shot as the smoke bellows around the arena and into the sky. Singh hammers more with the sword and grinds it into Onita's face, the referee tries to stop him and Singh levels him! Back to the sword handle shots, and Onita is sent into the ropes again for another MASSIVE explosion. The referee is thrown halfway across the ring and looks to be dead. Onita is pissing blood and this is literally about two minutes in. No accidental tripping of charges from Onita here at all. We spend the next five minutes with Onita unable to stand as Singh has finally been relieved of the sword. Singh chokes Onita with various restholds and jab at his face with a corkscrew bottle opener as Onita manages to battle out twice, only to be floored yet again by Singh. Onita spends a grand total of about 20 seconds on his feet during this portion. He sells it as if he's on his deathbed, gasping like he has a collapsed lung, and really builds this one up amazingly to the point where you're just WAITING for Singh to take that big bump and when it finally happens, the crowd becomes UNGLUED. Onita hits his finisher and gets the victory before collapsing. Singh is not happy and starts attacking Onita, hitting him a shot to the face using the point of the sword! Tarzan Goto comes along and fights off Singh. Singh leaves the ring and attacks the manager, before going for random spectators! Onita looks like he's waiting for someone to dictate his epitaph. Singh cuts a promo backstage saying he wants a rematch where he can snap Onita's legs and that he is still number one. Onita gets an incredible fan reaction as he's carried out. We see him trying to crawl to his dressing room as the press conduct an interview. Onita answers their questions despite being unable to walk. What a guy. Photographers take hundreds of pictures as this guy lies on a doctor's table. We cut to a final aerial shot of the massive stadium, as what sounds like the theme at the end credits of Yoshi's Island blares out. Absolutely amazing. I can't put over how massive an occasion this felt. Onita is just Hogan with C-4 bumps. This is how you work a deathmatch, make the fans yearn and ache for that big blowoff bump. If you are used to watching Man Man Pondo take boxcutters to the face in a school in front of 23 people, this will blow your mind.

The Gladiator vs. Masato Tanaka

The Gladiator is Mike Awesome. We've all seen the great match at One Night Stand. This was nowhere as good as that. There was clipping, but it literally looked like they cut out nothing. It looked like a two-second fade to black, only to return where they started off. This one actually had English commentary, and I didn't care about this match at all. It was alright, but they've had better matches and they were going for a straight Japanese wrestling match with minimal brawling. This must have been after Onita retired because thee announcers mentioned that FMW was "focused on an athletic martial-arts style of pure wrestling" which is bollocks, because we all watch FMW to see Onita being blown up. I know after he retired, they moved away from the massive dangerspot matches, but I have no interest in seeing that. There's tons of companies doing this stuff in Japan. This has none of the wacky insane charm that I love from FMW. No reckless endangerment, no nonsensical editing, no big time clash feel. YAWN.

Megumi Kudo vs. Combat Toyoda - No Rope Exploding Barbwire Deathmatch

I've seen this match and it's fucking brilliant, so I wanted to watch it again. This is Combat Toyoda's retirement match. Both women cut a promo beforehand saying about how, for the first time ever, they are not going into a deathmatch with a sense of hatred or vengeance. They are going to put their bodies on the line to make the best match possible, invoking the spirit of Onita, and give a performance that leaves them with no regrets. Toyoda is one mean-looking lass, in the vein of Bull Nakano or Kharma. He should looks like she could rip your face off. Toyoda comes out to Onita's theme tune, Wild Thing! Once again, we're in a huge arena, indoor this time. Toyoda looks like she's about to cry at the emotion of it all, which is quite odd to see from a massive beast like herself. They spend five/ten minutes before they even take a bump, with a thousand really well-done teases. Unlike the first match with Onita and Goto, where they worked a very confined match, rarely venturing to the sides of the ring, this saw both women willing to take the risk of going near the ropes, in the hope they could throw the other one into it. American promotions could really learn a lot about pacing their matches and how to build tension towards spots from this match as they do it really well and really treat the ropes like they'll be killed if they touch them. Once they both finally hit the ropes, it frees them up to concentrate on working a more Puro style, with a large portion of the match seeing the ropes not coming into play, as both women trade multiple near-falls. Toyoda's husband is in the crowd. The poor guy's nearly in tears as he watches his missus blow herself up and get dropped on her neck several times. By the time we get to the big finishing spot, a German Suplex into the ropes with an almighty explosion, you'll be watching this behind from behind your fingers. When the match finally finishes, both women are so broken that they lay motionless. Onita comes out and tries to wake them yp by throwing water on them, but Toyoda is so out of it, he has to carry her on his shoulders to the back. Quite simply, my favourite Women's match of all time and one of my favourite deathmatches.

Atsushi Onita vs. Tiger Jeet Singh - Jungle Deathmatch

Jeet's back! This match is another No Rope Exploding Barbwire Deathmatch, but this time it's set in a jungle. Singh tries to attack a cameraman and fails. Onita dominates early on, so much so that Singh slides under the ropes and explodes himself, because he's a knobhead. Back in the ring and Singh just mauls Onita with the sword, before throwing him into the ropes for a few weak bumps. Onita sizzles like a steak when they bring it to you in the Harvester. Singh gets the victory in nothing more than four minutes. This match was pretty pants. They could have easily went wandering in the jungle for a brawl or something. The bumps were poor, Singh used about two moves the whole match and it was way too short. A lot of people bag on Jeet for being a rubbish wrestler, but I don't know. Maybe the stars aligned in that other match to make it so perfect and that was the only time he was decent. The icing on the cake comes when both men brawl after the match and they fall on a landmine, which with the miracle of video editing, managed to send Onita flying at least 30 feet in the middle of the ring. COME ON. This was so poor, I feel I need to end the night on a better note.

Atsushi Onita vs. The Great Sasuke - Exploding Ring Deathmatch

The gimmick here is that as well as explosive ropes, we have landmines on the outside and the ring is literally a ticking timebomb. Heavily clipped again, this was still a fun match. Both men take bumps into the ropes, with Sasuke being launched stunningly into a corner packed with more explosives than a CZW show at a state armoury. Onita manages to luck out after taking a kick that sends him into the ropes, but they don't trip and he falls out... BUT LANDS IN A STRIP OF LANDMINES. You win some, you lose some. Sasuke does an insane dive over the barbed wire ropes that really could have went horribly wrong. Onita wins the match in the end, before grabbing the referee and covering both him and Sasuke as the ring goes up in flames like a chip pan trying to deep fry a bottle of gin. Great match, even if the editing was mince.

Orton's a prime offender for this. He does every single move, every single match. What also annoys me is that he goes for pinfalls after moves that have never won him a match in his life. It does my head in.

I genuinely can't remember the last Orton match that I was interested in. The Bryan matches were fucking guff.

What information do we have on the Memphis video library rights? I know it's an absolute mess and WWE trying to collect all the footage would be like to untangle a 3 miles of Christmas lights with thousands of dead bulbs, but is there any information as to who owns footage and what footage they own? I know there's disputes, but is there anyone we know who definitely owns footage?

I really have to agree with Pitcos' sentiments about match structure these days. I feel I'm starting to become a broken record but there are tons of amazing athletic matches all the time on Raw and Smackdown, so much so that they now all blur together and they're just not memorable. Nothing has an impact, nothing means anything in the long run, the guys have an amazing match and everyone forgets about it three weeks later.

I would say that every single male member of the roster, barring maybe Khali and Hornswoggle, is able of pulling out a show-stealing four star match under the right conditions. The only problem is that it won't matter in two weeks time and people will have moved on to the next so-amazing-I-forgot-it-happened match.

Everything is so slick and polished, it feels more like ballet or gymnastics than a fight. The matches are conducted at three-quarters pace for me. There's no lightning-quick matches in WWE anymore, everything is conducted at a pace that means things are safe and controlled, and it's fucking boring. I can't remember the last time I saw a match with an element of danger to it (Maybe Brock vs. Cena) and as silly as it sounds, no-one's trying to kill themselves anymore. Even if the Cruisers were booked badly, it always felt like the title meant something because they were willing to do insane things that didn't always look pretty just to get a chance at the belt.

WWE has one of the greatest high-flying Cruiser rosters ever and they fight each other all the time, even though there isn't a Cruiser belt or division. They can all hang with anyone in terms of workrate, but everything just doesn't have that oomph, because there is a sense of the unexpected that is just not there anymore. I don't want it to sound like I want them to go all Jack Evans (I'm really sorry, Vamp) and start dropping each other on their heads for a one-count and throw psychology out the window. I just feel that the likes of Kofi and the Usos etc. have all the tools to have a match that makes me stand up and take notice, but for the most part, they don't. There's always a feeling that they could take it up a level, but they're too afraid to take any risks.

I'd stick around. The great hope is WWE spend their entire contract taking the piss. If Vince decided to get back on the coke these two would have an entrance that consisted of transforming into werewolfs, with The Great Khali dressed as a full moon mascot. You could then have John Cena endorse them too (EVIL).

I really hope this happens.

I don't want to see neckdrop Davey in the WWE, but if they have to, I hope he is stuck working terrible programmes with Tons of Funk, The Miz and Fandango, or squashed by Ryback, while Hornswoggle looks on in shock. That would go a long way to show how much of a "real wrestler" he is when he returns to ROH after requesting his release after JBL bums him in the showers for introducing himself as "Davey, 5 years experience". Full moon Khali would be the icing on the cake.

To be honest, I really wish I'd used my VHS to it's maximum potential back then. There was so much wrestling on then, that if you had a recorder, you could build an impressive library. To be honest, that's still the case today if you live in the right US states and have a decent TV provider, you have access to dozens of hours of wrestling from WWE, TNA, ROH, CMLL, AAA and the odd local indies. If I was 10/11 again and knew how to work my VHS effectively, I'd be going mad taping everything I could lay my hands on, whether it was 1999 or 2013.

I'm not very well, and I'm quite bored, so I decided to watch the first episode of Portland Wrestling Uncut, which is available

First thing's first, this is a reboot of Portland Wrestling, the longest running Wrestling TV show ever that ran for 36 years before closing in 1991. I have never watched Portland before in my life. This is filmed in a TV studio, and I count approximately 27 people in the one side of the studio that has fans. I can't tell whether there's only one stand because they couldn't fit any more stands in the studio, or because they couldn't get enough people to fill them. It has a very Jerry Springer vibe to it, if I'm honest. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing, I love Jerry Springer myself.

Big Ugly vs. Patrick Large

We start with Big Ugly in the ring. Patrick Large is shown backstage in the dressing room and "Large" has to be an ironic surname, he's not large at all. He's asked how he feels about taking on a man nearly twice his size. Patrick doesn't seem to have gotten the memo, Big Ugly is exactly what he says on the tin. Patrick looks like he's just been asked to remove some asbestos or something and begs for a minute to get his head straight, but he's thrown out onto the stage and meekly makes his way to the ring. Big Ugly beats the living shit out of him and makes covers at least three/four times, pulling Patrick up for more punishment. The match ends after maybe two minutes max, with Roddy Piper coming to the ring and battering Big Ugly with a trouser belt, forcing the referee to call for a DQ. Piper grabs a mic and starts ranting about how he hates bullies and that Portland Wrestling made legends like Mad Dog Vachon, Piper says he loves Portland and puts over that the guys in the back are trying to feed their families and that they just need a chance. He starts chopping Large and telling that he isn't a quitter and that Patrick isn't either. I enjoyed the backstage antics with Large, but Big Ugly really didn't get a chance to put over what he was about before Piper battered him away. Piper introducing himself as the boss was interesting, but it wasn't the freshest of material. "Big Ugly is a great name for you because you are Big and Ugly",

We see a flashback to 1990 with another Piper promo, before he rips the mask and wig off of someone whose name I didn't catch that then runs away. Piper tells him he has to turn up "next week" sans mask and wig. Fast-forward to the present day and we see another Portland legend The Grappler who asks why the hell Piper is getting vintage clips shown and he's not. The host mentions that not only will they be showing clips of Piper and the Grappler, but they'll be showing highlights from lots of other legendary names but he urges The Grappler to stay tuned because the guys in the next match are really going to impress them. We then get another vignette of Piper telling us about how great Portland Wrestling used to be, but it was replaced by Sports Entertainment and now he is bringing real wrestling back. He says there will be no frills, no pyrotechnics, no celebrities, just pure wrestling. As he says this, we go to a second commercial break with a grand total of 90 seconds of wrestling in 13 minutes of this show.

Bubba Blanchard vs. Thunder

Bubba Blanchard, no relation of Tully, is a generic lardo heel with a Victorian swimming costume and a neckbeard. He does a face and a dance to the referee. Thunder has long hair and a bandana and gives a kid in the audience his sunglasses ala Bret Hart to a pop. He reminds me of Van Hammer. "Mean" Mike Miller, a Portland original, joins us in the commentary booth. This seems to be a powerhouse battle, with the opening lock-ups resulting in a stalemate. Blanchard talks smack and we approach the minute mark before the first move, a forearm, even connects. One thing that's noticeable is that none of the talent are particularly trained in TV wrestling. The referee blocks the camera a few times. Mean Mike is going on about his daughter that he hasn't seen in about 25 years. After a trade of forearms, Thunder locks on a headlock but actually loses grip in his fingers and has to reapply it. Blanchard tries to back suplex out of it, but Thunder manages to keep the move locked on. A second back suplex finally breaks the hold, but we go back to the forearms. A bodyslam gets a nearfall for Thunder, and we get ANOTHER headlock! Blanchard elbows free and dodges a clothesline, before hitting a German Suplex. Thunder gets back up and is hit with a T-bone suplex. Thunder looks like he's about to get a second wind, but ends up going back to the dull forearms. They go into the corner, Blanchard takes momentum and shoves the referee away, only for Thunder to hit him with MORE FOREARMS! A few of these shots from both men don't even connect. The referee tries to stop Thunder and gets pushed away by him too! All out slugging sees the referee try to step in again, only for both men to push him away! This match is thrown out as a no contest. Jesus christ! 2 DQ finishes out of 2! They genuinely keep hitting each other with with clubbing forearms until Blanchard gets bored and just leaves. Security consisting of one referee comes down but it's too late. Thunder leaves the ring like he's just lost to the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, collapsing to the mat and rolling out. Blanchard could at least do a decent suplex, but Thunder is just intolerably bad, with his arsenal consisting of forearms and a headlock. He is just the most useless of rockstar bandana babyfaces, and that's saying something.

Piper comes out with a woman on his arm. It's Mike Miller's daughter! She's not seen her dad for twenty-seven years. It's a reunion worthy of Surprise Surprise! Miller ruins this by shouting "YOU SHOULD BE STUDYING!" when he isn't supposed to know where the hell she's been the last two and a half decades. The daughter looks like she lives across the road from them and is just stopping in with an anniversary present on the way to a girl's night out. Meng levels of no selling for this tearful reconciliation. The crowd doesn't pop at all. Roddy Piper pervs on the daughter. This is really bad.

Speaking of fathers, we go backstage to see UNDEFEATED MMA STAR Colt Toombes, son of Rowdy Roddy Piper, training to get ready for his debut. We see footage of father and son at a ceremony for the top 20 Madison Square Garden moments, with a red carpet interview where both father and son say they could take the other in a fight.

Colt Toombes vs. "Gentleman" George Michael

Yes, that actually is his name. The Gentleman is wearing John Lennon sunglasses and the most repulsive long jacket I have ever seen with a massive Union Jack on it and his entrance is God Save The Queen. He looks at least 45/50 years old and totally shatters the illusion of being a British gentleman before the bell even rings by getting into an argument with someone in the crowd and bellowing in the thickest Portland accent ever. He says he shouldn't have to face this rookie before turning round, being hit with a forearm and pinned 1-2-3. This match couldn't have went any longer than five seconds. It's so quick, the crowd don't even notice. Michael is fuming and tells him to come back here and restart the match, only for Colt to clock him down again and walk away. Piper hugs his son as if he's won the FA Cup.

We go backstage as Michael flops about into some chairs and says Toombs tried to break his jaw. The interviewer turns to his next subject, Exile. Exile is a big guy, like a mix between someone from a local MMA fed and Hernandez. He is wearing a pair of Samoa Joe's shorts that have been left in the lost-and-found bin. They ask what they can expect from his match, to which Exile replies "Pain. Lots of pain." but the technicians forget to lower the background music, so his one line is drowned out by terrible generic nu-metal.

Exile vs. Eric Right

Eric Right seems to be throwing up into a bucket backstage until Piper tells him it's time to go on. Right puts on an ill-fitting Playboy robe and seems to be playing a spoilt celebrity/model role. He looks like Joey Ryan after a critical illness. Right tries to throw his robe in Exile's face AND BOTCHES IT. This is a typical squash, with Exile doing all the spots you expect from a monster with no charisma. Gorilla press, delayed suplex and a powerbomb. Right gets in way too much offense for someone being squashed, using eye rakes and such to look vaguely competitive. Exile hits a lowblow, despite having a considerable size advantage and being the face. Exile is plain unsafe in the ring. The first powerbomb spot looked he was going to drop Right on his neck and kill him, then he went for it again, this time with a TRIPLE powerbomb for the win. Uncomfortable viewing trying to watch him do it three times in a row.

We get an interview with Jeremy Blanchard, the brother of Bubba from earlier . He is asked if he is wary of possibly coming up against his brother Bubba in the Pacific Northwest heavyweight title tournament, but he says they've fought all their lives so it won't make a difference if they get paired together. He says he'd fight his own mum to get his hands on the title. He walk away and Daivari comes up to the interviewer and says that he's been on Raw and in Madison Square Garden and that Portland Wrestling Uncut has a pretty special deal here. Piper sticks his head into shot and acts like Scooby Doo having just seen a ghost, because it's apparently in his contract that he has to be in every second segment.

Jeremy Blanchard vs. Wade "By God" Hess

Right, I'm really confused. Hess seems to be in the same stable as Thunder from earlier as they're both wearing shirts with "Illuminati" on them, but he's playing the heel as opposed to the face Thunder was trying to portray earlier. Similarly, Jeremy seems to be the face, despite being in an active tag team with his brother Bubba who played the heel about 20 minutes ago. Daivari comes out to commentary. This is a tournament match to crown a Heavyweight champion. There is nothing of note for much of this match, with the commentators spending most of it hyping up the company lineage. There is one woman in the crowd who just continuously trash talks through the whole match, and it's really annoying. I don't think these two hit a single original move or show an ounce of personality between them. They play the wrong face-heel roles, with Blanchard dancing about before turning into a heel, while Hess acts like a snobbish prick before getting the crowd behind him and then cheating for the finish. Blanchard gets a pin with a German Suplex, but because all four shoulders are down, the referee restarts the match and Hess rolls him up with a handful of tights for the 1-2-3. Daivari leaves the booth and complains to the ref, who says his decision is final. Daivari raises Blanchard's arm then wallops him with a clothesline to turn heel... on a man who has played most of the match as a heel.

Daivari goes backstage, grabs the interviewer and cuts a promo half in English, half in Persian saying that the roster sucks and there is no competition. Exile pins him to the wall and tells him that the competition stands in front of him, Piper puts on a really offensive impression of a Muslim cleric and then books Daivari vs. Exile next week and slaps Daivari in the face. We go off the air with the lingering threat of Daivari breaking his neck in the ring next week.

Despite it's many, many drawbacks, I still think the idea has legs. I love TV studio wrestling and if they could just get into a rhythm with a couple of decent workers, this would be great. That said, bagging on sports entertainment and proclaiming the return of real wrestling, and then giving us two consecutive DQ finishes, a match that lasts 3 seconds, a squash too competitive to even get the monster over, a main event where neither man knows who is meant to be playing the face and six segments featuring Roddy Piper, a non-wrestler, does not inspire me to continue watching this. I appreciate this is just designed as low-cost filler for a local TV station, and I can look past the Poundland setup, but when you're fucking up so many of the basics, it is hard to put your faith in it. Hopefully it gets better with time.

Really wish this was happening now.

chanting we want Hunico

I hope they were serious. I would have been.

Also, who's going to own up right here and now to getting the "PURPLE AKI" sign on Raw?

Any real standout tracks to check out from post Max Sepultura? I'm intrigued, but haven't really heard anything from therm since Soulfly started.

There was a time when I was pathologically obsessed with all eras of Sepultura and Soulfly, so Sepulnation and Dante XXI used to get frequent plays. Haven't listened to them in absolute years though, but this question sent me back and I'm still really enjoying. Sepultura these days are a really good hardcore band. They aren't really thrash anymore, but they do what they do really well. I haven't listened to Kairos or the new album, and probably never will, but I would definitely go see them live as they're a good laugh. New album has a monumentally stupid title though. Who let that one slip through the net?

Doesn't the WWE app show a feed of Raw which has no commercials and just shows what's going on as the TV feed is away on a commercial break? Presumably it's all cribbed from there.

While we're posting amazing reactions, here's one from Facebook:

I hear the news about Kassius Ohno AKA Chris Hero being released by WWE

To Me I not happy one bit about it Chris is a amazing wrestler and i would said he in my top 10 best wrestler in WWE right now

Paul Levesque(Triple H) and Stephanie McMahon you two don't we've run a wrestling business it bothjust do me and every wrestling fan a big F**KING spar GET SOMEONE WHO CAN RUN A WRESTLING PROMOTION Like Mike Quackenbush, Jim Cornette or Cary Silkin(Former Ring of Honor Owner)

In a company where pretty much the entire roster can pull out a cracking athletic match when given sufficient space and time, there is no room for Chris Hero. The guy has nothing about that Punk, Bryan, Cesaro, Rollins or Ambrose don't have. There's no way they could put a belt on the guy, as he would be the worst looking champion of all time. I really cannot see how WWE would have used him. Working gutbusters with Punk is fine if you're a main eventer, but put the guy in with Fandango, Khali or Tons of Funk and it would be a disaster.

I imagine he'll release a shoot greeting about how he was held down because the writers didn't stick him in a program with Punk from the off, and how WWE doesn't appreciate what "real wrestling" is.

Somehow stumbled on a WCW house show card in Canada from 1997.

Singles Match

Nelson Veilleux defeats Sunny War Cloud

 

Tag Team Match

The Prisonnniers (??? & ???) defeat Jacques Comptois & Richard Charland

 

Singles Match

Tiger Jackson defeats Little Broken

 

Singles Match

Jeff Jarrett defeats Chris Jericho

 

Tag Team Match

Harlem Heat (Booker T & Stevie Ray) defeat The Faces Of Fear (Meng & The Barbarian)

 

Singles Match

Lex Luger defeats Steve McMichael

 

Singles Match

Carl Ouellet defeats The Giant by DQ

 

Non Title Match

Jacques Rougeau defeats Hollywood Hogan

Imagine some kid turning up expecting Savage vs. Sting to be confronted with Nelson Veilleux vs. Sunny War Cloud.

WorldWide also had a really fun game called "Guess who's the World champion?" where the continuity announcers would say that one person was the champ, only for the commentators to then say someone else was the World champion, then they would show a clip from Thunder where another person was champion before looking online and finding out that the title had actually been vacated three weeks ago.

When you're 11 years old, it was a really fun pastime.

Why were WCW ppv's not shown in the UK? I know they were on DSF if you searched etc but it seems strange that TNT or any channel never showed them at all despite how huge wrestling was at the time, you'd think any channel would want

Admiteldy, Thunder went outside of the "peak hours"

Was "Thunder" on TNT? I don't recall it. Was it shown from the beginning? Cheers!

It was, here's a quote from the Observer about it...

"In the United Kingdom, they are now airing Thunder right after Nitro on Friday Nights. It's about a four-and-a-half hour nightly block of WCW which is said at this point to be pure torture" - The Wrestling Observer Newsletter: October 05, 1998

Typical Ian. Can't even sell a life-threatening illness right.

Not sure of his credible source status on the forum but Brian Alvarez is reporting this on Figure Four Daily:

It appears that either Battleground or Hell in a Cell will be dropped in 2014. They'll still be running 13 PPVs, however, as they are going to add a second PPV to June, bringing back the Bash at the Beach. There is also talk that the October PPV may feature a WarGames match, something fans have been asking about for a long time. The only potential hang-up is that Survivor Series usually features four-on-four matches and it would be weird to do a four-on-four in October and in November.

Probably utter shite, but I'd definitely mark for deckchairs and beach balls making a comeback to pro wrestling.

TNA has removed Hulk Hogan and AJ Styles from their roster page. Mr. Anderson, who returned on Thursday's Impact Wrestling, has been added.

This company can get to fuck.