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Great Wrestling Promo Transcripts


tiger_rick

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The gretest promo by the greatest talker. Raven. 95. Talking to Tommy.

 

Tommy. In Thailand. If you're caught stealing. They chop off your hand.

 

In the Philinpines. if you're caught running from the police. They cut off your feet.

 

Tommy. To took my girl. So guess what i'm gonna cut off you!

 

Brilliant stuff. Raven was one of the greatest still.

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Anyone got the ones from Jake Roberts at Royal Rumble 90, goes something like "The man who wins this match will be the man who will take the extra step, maybe sacrifice a little more then anyone else, now me, that sounds just a lot like me"The one before Wrestlemania 8 is great to when he's talking about the Undertaker and DDT'ing Paul Bearer. "Boom, Short Ride, Bad Landing" and "Simple Foreplay, when the time comes, I will hook the head, I will drive him through the match, I will put the final nail in your own coffin. Trust Me."

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To celebrate the 35th birthday of The Rock, here is one of my favourite ever heel promos.

 

Monday Night Raw in Toronto in February 2003.

It was the night after The Rock returned to WWE and with the help of Vince McMahon beat Hulk Hogan.

The Rock was exclusive to SmackDown at the time ...

 

"Finally The Rock has come back to Toron

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A few from Joel Gertner snippets.

 

"The quintessential muffstuffer - oops, I mean stud-muffin"

 

Prodigy interview: "Well, well, well ... put those floppy disks away here comes the man with the biggest hard drive in professional wrestling ... Joel 'I've got more RAM than you can handle' Gertner"

 

"At this time we were going to show you clips of Terry Funk but we couldn't dig them up, but even if they did our stations don't encourage us to use black and white footage"

 

In regards to Big Dick Dudley: "Attached to the creature who last night impregnated your mother ..."

 

"Well, well, well if you got an hour, I've got the power. Joel 'You can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat' Gertner"

 

"Joel 'The man who is so big he can't help from hurtin her' Gertner"

 

"I don't know what I'd too if I woke up in the morning and I wasn't me"

 

"Joel 'Bigger and better than the Titanic, because only 400 women went down on the Titanic' Gertner"

 

"Joel 'Put your lipstick on my dipstick' Gertner"

 

"And you know, now that I've pounded the hype out of Lance Wright, I think it might be time to whip the smiles from Joey Styles"

 

"The quintessential studmuffin, Joel Gertner - remember that name, you'll be screaming it later"

 

"Joel 'Point the direction you want my erection' Gertner"

 

"Joel 'Harder than the tree that hit Sonny Bono' Gertner"

 

"And then there's me - I'm like milk; I do a body good."

 

"Squeeze my lemons till the juice runs down my leg"

 

"I'm hotter than a 15 year old girl in a field hockey skirt"

 

"Joel 'Just like the Rubix Cube, the more you play with it, the harder it gets' Gertner"

 

"I am the peeled banana in your fruitbowl of love"

 

"And there's me, Joel 'The biggest ladykiller in Buffalo since O.J. Simpson' Gertner."

 

"Joel 'So hot I gotta get in the sauna just to keep cool' Gertner"

 

"I am the quintessential studmuffin, Joel 'Delivers more package than UPS' Gertner."

 

"Joel 'I'm like the middle of the litter box...I'm always surrounded by pussy' Gertner"

 

"The man who drove Beulah McGullislutty into the mat so hard she didn't know whether to urinate, defacate, or ejaculate, I present to you Buh Buh Ray Dudley."

 

"Joel 'The girls like to call me Fred Flinstone because they love the way I make their beds rock' Gertner"

 

"Joel 'I've busted more nuts than a peanut factory' Gertner"

 

"The quintessential studmuffin, the man whose wit is more tongue in cheek than a lesbian orgy, Joel 'The man whose phone number is on your girlfriend's speed-dial, because she loves the way I sixty-nine her' Gertner"

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Raven, three weeks after returning to ECW in 1999.

 

"For two and a half years, Tommy Dreamer, we fought an epic battle of mythic proportions.

We had a friendship based on love and a hatred based on friendship.

You scarred my face.

You battered me unmercifully.

And you took my girl.

 

But the one thing that you could never do was beat me, Tommy.

You could never beat me and I always pinned you.

Two and a half years, Tommy. After I came to ECW to exorcise your demons, it was time for you to graduate.

So I gave you your victory.

 

For two and a half years, Tommy Dreamer, I stayed away from ECW

and with me gone your life lost it

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Heenan's acceptance speech is amazing, thanks for posting that. I actually got choked up just from reading "I wish Monsoon was here", in person I'd have lost it. :(

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One night after WrestleMania XIV in 1998 and Sean Waltman defected from WCW back to the WWF ...

 

"Albany, New York: raise some hell and make a little noise!

 

First things first, I got a little somethin

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After spending a month in prison, NEW JACK returned to ECW at night 2 of the 'Big Ass Extreme Bash' on 9th March 1996, and had this to say ....

 

"I never thought that I would miss nobody in my life,

but to be honest I missed these crazy, retarded motherfuckers from ECW.

Maybe I'm losing my god-damn mind, I don't know.

 

But for some reason, sitting in the Atlanta City Jail for damn near five weeks

I was like, 'right about now I'd be in the ring beating the fuck outta somebody,

but I'm sitting here looking at this motherfucking TV'.

 

They made me watch that bullshit WCW.

I'm gonna clear up a myth: I jacked off that night. Hard.

I'm about tired of these motherfuckers coming out here talking about Eric Bischoff.

Fuck Eric Bischoff. I don't know him and I don't know Vince McMahon.

I don't give a fuck if you used to wrestle in WCW or WWF. That ain't ECW.

 

OK, true enough, that may be where the big boys play but THIS is where the real motherfuckers get down.

So I don't give a damn about WCW, I don't give a damn about WWF

because, you see, this is where the real deal is happening.

True enough, they got motherfuckers that are 6'9", 6'10". So fucking what?

They don't know a headlock from a liplock so fuck 'em all ..."

 

At this point Damien Kane entered the ring and I lost interest.

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The one before Wrestlemania 8 is great to when he's talking about the Undertaker and DDT'ing Paul Bearer. "Boom, Short Ride, Bad Landing" and "Simple Foreplay, when the time comes, I will hook the head, I will drive him through the match, I will put the final nail in your own coffin. Trust Me."

Is that the one where Gene Okerlund says "You are a sick man, Jake Roberts" and he replies "Thank you very much."That's possibly the best reply ever.A favourite of mine, and apologies if I'm repeating this, is from Roadwarrior Hawk:"Swelling of the fluid sack that surrounds the brain, behind the inner ear. Crushed vertibrae. Ruptured sphincters. Burst bladders. Broken bones. These are the things that our dreams are made of."
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The one before Wrestlemania 8 is great to when he's talking about the Undertaker and DDT'ing Paul Bearer. "Boom, Short Ride, Bad Landing" and "Simple Foreplay, when the time comes, I will hook the head, I will drive him through the match, I will put the final nail in your own coffin. Trust Me."

Is that the one where Gene Okerlund says "You are a sick man, Jake Roberts" and he replies "Thank you very much."That's possibly the best reply ever.A favourite of mine, and apologies if I'm repeating this, is from Roadwarrior Hawk:"Swelling of the fluid sack that surrounds the brain, behind the inner ear. Crushed vertibrae. Ruptured sphincters. Burst bladders. Broken bones. These are the things that our dreams are made of."
It isn't I'm afraid, Sean Mooney interviewed him at Wrestlemania VIII
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That Waltman promo looks like it was good! Was it delivered well? Have Waltman and Hogan still got heat with each other? They sort of worked an angle with each other since in 2002. Waltman returned to help NWO kick Hogan out. I remember Waltman nailing Hogan with a chair, and I'm sure they feuded for a few weeks in tag matches like Hogan/Rock vs Waltman/ Hall! Does this ring a bell with anyone?

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  • 3 months later...

WWF Royal Rumble 1992

 

Mean Gene Okerland:

"Roddy Piper: I can't believe a man, The Mountie, who has held the Intercontinental Title for less than 48 hours

can be quite so cocky, quite so arrogant!"

 

'Rowdy' Roddy Piper:

"Well, you know, what we're dealing with is one of the original Village People here.

With his mate Jimmy Hart who keeps kissing the belt, leaving all that lipstick on it.

 

I heard The Mountie saying:

"the first thing I'm going to do ..." he pounds his chest, I don't know why. He's something ...

"First thing I'm gonna do is I'm gonna take Piper's integrity!".

 

It's like Jacques Cousteau trying to find a dry spot in the ocean - I ain't got no damn integrity!!

How d'ya think I got so far?

 

"Second thing I'm gonna do, I'm gonna take Roddy Piper's manhood!"

 

.... huh? I come here to fight, I don't know what you came here to do.

I come here to win two titles. I can't do that until I win the first one. I think YOU been dreaming.

 

I think it's been all wet, too".

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