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Devon Malcolm

When Animals Attack

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My mates bother is a class A fuckwit; something that shall become apparent.

He decided against calling experts to get rid of a wasps nest in his Mums garden. He decided to do it by himself.

His plan was to take home a mail sack from the post office where he worked. He then attempted to dislodge the nest with a clothes pole hoping it would fall into the sack.

Amazingly all did not go to plan as the nest fell onto the lawn. He was then rightly attacked by a bunch of pissed off Glaswegian wasps and ended up with arms that looked as if he had been splashed with Agent fucking Orange.

Best of all is that when he attempted to run into the house his old dear locked the back door.

The phrase 'how stupid can you fucking get' has no meaning to him

 

 

 

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I had a pet python 7 or 8 years ago. Lovely thing it was, probably 6 foot long and as gentle as a puppy until it came to feeding time when the fucking thing would leap at whatever defrosted rodent was hanging from my feeding tongues. Fascinating thing it was. A mate of mine is petrified of snakes and he decided one night, and whilst fully sober, that it might be worth trying to overcome his fear, considering how docile and lovely this snake was from my description. I open the tank doors and my mate is still being cautious and stood at the other side of the room, not taking any chances. I says to him "Look, he's never bitten before, he's lovely" as on cue this fucking snake slingshots itself out of the tank, gob open. I had to catch it mid-air like Brendan Fraser in The Mummy Returns when that lass chucks the black mamba at him.

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Screenshot-20200406-001314-Gallery.jpg

Happened again twice since my original post. This time he had me pinned down in my van like Cujo. Two customers didn't get their mail because of this little cunt. 

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16 hours ago, Mr_Danger said:

Screenshot-20200406-001314-Gallery.jpg

Happened again twice since my original post. This time he had me pinned down in my van like Cujo. Two customers didn't get their mail because of this little cunt. 

Why didn't you kick him? 

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I don't get paid enough to fight animals plus the last time I kicked a bird etc etc.

I was too scared.

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