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4 minutes ago, Shy Dad said:

I can't be helped. I'm a fucking horrible human and I deserve the pain in my head. The only reason I should survive and just batter myself is so my nephews don't know what death is. 

Everyone can be helped.It's just a question on how much help someone needs. It sounds like you need help to realise that you are no where near a "horrible human" and to learn to like yourself again. Every one of us has positive and negative character traits. Most people can see those negative traits as exactly what they are; a small part of them that is out weighed by the good. Unfortunately, many of us have a brain that can't think like that and we need help putting things right, either by talking or chemically in the form of anti-depressants. 

Honestly, I've been exactly where you have been. In fact it was about 8 years to the day I turned a corner and hopefully it will be the same for you. 

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Just been in the smaller of the two Tesco in Lincoln. Things were pretty much in stock apart from loo roll and pet food. Did see one guy at the till getting told by the checkout girl that he couldn't

I'll eventually work through all the messages but I'm safe. Thanks folks. I'm still an absolute mess but safe all the same. 

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29 minutes ago, Shy Dad said:

I can't be helped. I'm a fucking horrible human and I deserve the pain in my head. The only reason I should survive and just batter myself is so my nephews don't know what death is. 

Here’s the deal. You are in no position to make that call because you are the prosecutor. For a fair trial, you need to hear from the defence. So because it isn’t a fair trial, it gets thrown out of court. Come back with a balanced and neutral testimony and not a one sided one. 

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1 hour ago, Shy Dad said:

I can't be helped. I'm a fucking horrible human and I deserve the pain in my head. The only reason I should survive and just batter myself is so my nephews don't know what death is. 

You definitely can be helped! As Keith said, you can't sentence yourself, you need some objectivity and there's loads of us on here that can provide that. And I'm speaking as someone that has both found their best friend and as someone that had a belt around their neck after my divorce. 

I found that writing a list (sounds lame) of pros and cons, things I enjoy and don't enjoy and giving some thought to IF I chose to stick around, how I could improve, even slightly on the cons. Once I looked at the list I felt liberated. I knew where to put my energy and time and started trying to do those things. It was by no means easy and I still have major ups and downs but each morning when I get up I know there's one or two things I'm working on or hoping to achieve. 

There's many reasons you should survive, some of them you know and some you need to hear from others. Please stay safe and if you are getting tanked up, take the opportunity to ask some friends why they like you and get that positive energy going. 

It's no longer taboo and we've all had some experience of struggles in life and mental health problems be it personally, friends or family so have a drink, reach out to someone and make a wee plan for tomorrow. Even if it's setting an alarm, getting up, getting a drink of water or a coffee or something. Be safe. 

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@Shy Dad - I never knew what you looked like until I saw the rather excellent photo you posted of yourself back in September.

It's odd that I don't know what many people look like on here, but for some reason a photo of an utterly resplendent Shy Dad stuck with me and it always pops into my mind when I see your posts. You wrote on that day that you were feeling pretty good, and you will again.

You may not have met (m)any of us on here, but we all think a lot of you and can all see your many great qualities.

Please do reach out to someone, if that's 999, the number posted earlier, or any of us - myself included.

Thinking of you today mate.

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16 minutes ago, Shy Dad said:

I'll eventually work through all the messages but I'm safe. Thanks folks. I'm still an absolute mess but safe all the same. 

Glad to hear it dude, and look things could be a lot worse.

You could be trying to use the fucking Magna Carta to get round the lockdown restrictions.

 

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BRB going to the mcvities factory to do the same

Glad u r OK SD. Hopefully you can feel better as the days roll by 

It's just occurred to me that lockdown starts on my birthday, good thing I turn 35 and at this age doing naff all is mostly welcomed 

 

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5 hours ago, Shy Dad said:

I'll eventually work through all the messages but I'm safe. Thanks folks. I'm still an absolute mess but safe all the same. 

That's good to hear. Take your time getting through the messages and what not. The physical exhaustion that follows these tense and uncertain episodes can take a few days to recover from. Rest up, make sure you attempt to get a bit of a routine in place, even if it's just getting up, washing your face or brushing your teeth but take the time to build your strength back. 

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My entire life the last 2 weeks has been dealing with voices in my head I cant get rid of and now everyone is telling me I'll be okay and get the support I need, how do I believe that? How do I believe that after feeling let down time and time again people will finally help when I can't fight anymore?the voices are probably right 

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