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Stupid things you routinely do or say


gmoney

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My partners dad (who she doesn't talk too or wants to even know, if you so much as mention him she see's red) lives about 5-10 minutes away and every so often we drive past his house. Of course knowing this I always speak out loud and make a point that we are driving past his house to which as you could imagine doesn't get a great reaction. It's funny though as she even knows I'm going to say it so she's already angry bless her. 

 

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Following the successful campaign of 10 years ago I am now compelled to say "it's a bit early for Christmas songs" if I hear Killing InThe Name by Rage Against The Machine, unless it's December. Unfortunately (for me) nobody I work with has been in the country long enough to know what I'm on about.

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Whenever I hear students call my name in public I immediately respond with "it wasn't me" or, if I see them and they acknowledge me "shalom". The wife hates it and I hate myself for it too, I just don't want to say anything but this shit comes out. Probably makes me look like a right weapon in front of parents too...

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I can’t stop myself saying “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t “ when saying goodbye to people I won’t see until after their birthday/holiday/Saturday.

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I routinely overuse the phrase "fiddling while Rome burns" to emphasise the inefficacy of the shitheads in my work who could not seem to organise a piss up in a brewery: the People's Front of Judea type cunts who need to have a pre-meeting before the pre-meeting before the meeting. 

An example would be "WE ARE UP TO OUR EYES IN WORK AS THOSE USELESS CUNTS ARE FIDDLING WHILE ROME BURNS". People have noticed it and it came up a few times on work nights out etc. At this rate, my retirement card will have a picture of Nero with his balls out or something.

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As soon as one of them says it back to you, calmly point out that the violin hadn't even been invented in the time of Nero so the saying doesn't make sense, then go back to whatever you were doing and revel in their minds descending into madness.

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I used to live near a street called Leonard Terrace, and the street sign had a painted picture of a barn owl on it. Every time I walked past it with my then-girlfriend, I'd point to it and say, "that owl's called Leonard Terrace". 

Every time I have a Ploughman's sandwich, I have to say, "I'm just having a Ploughman's sandwich. He'll be furious when he finds out". My ex found it so irritating that I'd quite often go out of my way to choose that particular sandwich just to wind her up. It also works just as well with Shepherd's Pie and, if you're really prepared to work for it, "Goat's Cheese Sandwich".

Similarly, if I get a bottle of water from M&S, it says "Still Scottish Water" on it, which allows me to say, "hang on, just need to check if this is Scottish. Yep, still Scottish water". 

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When there's a loud noise from something being knocked over or dropped (like someone dropping a load of plates in a restaurant), I wait a couple of beats then say "AND STAY OUT!"

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Every Tuesday and Thursday on our way to work my sister and I drive past one of those former Little Chef's that for reasons best known to no one have been converted into an adult shop. As we drive past we both sing "Sex Shop, Sex Shop, Your a Sex Shop" to the tune of Sex Bomb by Tom Jones.

Neither of us know how it started, but we do it every time. 

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One from my father-in-law. Whenever he's watching any kind of military film (which is quite often), and anyone uses the phrase 'Fire at will!', without fail, he'll always say 'Poor Will. I wonder what he did.'

It got very tiresome, very quickly.

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2 minutes ago, Grecian said:

One from my father-in-law. Whenever he's watching any kind of military film (which is quite often), and anyone uses the phrase 'Fire at will!', without fail, he'll always say 'Poor Will. I wonder what he did.'

It got very tiresome, very quickly.

When I was a kid, I remember seeing a lot of "BILL STICKERS WILL BE PROSECUTED" signs being followed by graffiti saying "BILL STICKERS IS INNOCENT". 

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Post on here and hope to be taken seriously.



Jokes aside, I always walk around with earphones in, even if I am not listening to anything. I will always turn off anything I am listening to off when I am being served at a till but I leave them in my ears. I think it's a comfort thing for me, I have been doing it for about 15 years. The only time I manage not to do this is if I leave the house with someone else, then they just remain in my pocket.

If I am on my own I also walk really quickly and end of looking like a weak attempt at Stone Cold marching to ringside.

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2 hours ago, Carbomb said:

When there's a loud noise from something being knocked over or dropped (like someone dropping a load of plates in a restaurant), I wait a couple of beats then say "AND STAY OUT!"

This has reminded me that whenever I see someone drop something, anything, on the floor, I can't stop myself saying, "just put it down there mate".

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I have a horrible habit of quoting those Czech porn videos where the guy lures a chick into the woods with some cash to film a video. The usual quote is "this is nice" (with accent) which is the moment the porno bloke finds a nice spot in the trees to film his business. Ive done it so much now though that my missus 7 year old kid does it anytime he see fit and its become abit of an in-joke between us. The poor little guy (nor his mother for that matter) have no clue that we're referencing a sleazy European porn film.

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