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I was not expecting that. What have I done now.


Lion_of_the_Midlands

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Used to work on a team with a woman that I really didn't like. After a little run in with her in the office, I wrote an email to a friend of mine on the same team which simple said "I hate her". 

Unfortunately, on choosing a recipient, my anger filled brain only remembered  her name, so I ended up sending it straight to her directly and not my mate. I can't rember what I did afterwards, but i was desperate for that hole in the ground to appear. If it happened today I'd probably be on a dismissal. 

This was over 10 years ago and it still makes me shiver with embarrassment. 

 

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@Ricc1PW and his story of 2 minutes silence reminds me of something that happened to me 2 years ago. I may have told this story on here but it does stand a re-telling

I am a cricket umpire in my spare time. At our local association AGM right at the start of the meeting the Secretary announces that our President had passed away 2 days before. So we hold a minutes silence for him, at the end of which the Secretary says "Obviously this has come as a shock to us all, Peter was an old man but had been in good health. We obviously won't be nominating a new President this evening" 

Just as he finishes speaking we hear the door go behind us and I see the Secretary's eyes widen in amazement. In strolls the President and as he comes into the room he says "Sorry I'm late" 

At this point there is a clamour of laughter from the assembled meeting and it is explained to him what has gone on. Luckily he saw the funny side, and we have not let Ian the Secretary forget this particular cock up on his part. 

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I pulled a Big Lebowski when scattering my Nan's ashes. Me and my brothers and a few other family members took a trek to the mountain she requested we spread her ashes on and after a little searching found a suitable spot. We said a few short words then I started to scatter her remains around a tree. This was taking a while as I didn't want to just dump them in a pile and there was a lot to scatter. To break the awkward silence I made a little jokey tribal ceremony out of it, she'd have approved of such daftness. What she probably wouldn't have appreciated was the down wind picking up and spreading the dregs of her remains all over my brother Dave's trousers and shoes.

I also made a terrible tension breaking joke when taking my ex wife to view her Aunty Winsome' s body at the chapel of rest where I remarked it would have been hilarious if she had married golfer Ian Woosnam and became Winsome Woosnam.

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I was in a lift at a shopping centre with my Mrs, our eldest and our middle son who was around 2 at the time and sat in a buggy. We hold the lift doors open for a woman pushing an older lady in a wheelchair. Wheelchair lady is smiling at my son in his buggy but he's having none of it, he's silent and not reacting to her. Wheelchair lady says "I bet he's not normally this quiet" to which my wife replies "I know, it's like he's paralyzed". She had an instant look on her face that read "Oh my god, I've fucked up". I started sniggering and bust out laughing once w'd got out of the lift. She still gets stressed about saying that, despite it being roughly 8 years ago.

I made a blunder on a camping trip with my wife and our kids, my in-laws and a couple of their friends. One of their friends asks if she can tag along with us to find the shower block. She points at a door and asks if it's the mens or the womens as she couldn't see the sign on the door. I says "It's the ladies, I can't go in there because I haven't got a uterus". She says "Neither have I". Uncomfortable silence.

Edited by cobra_gordo
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To set the scene, my gran is a very religious christian and also thinks bugger is a swear word. 

I am at my grandparents house and there is a story on the news of some old fella who would not leave his hotel room during a fire alarm, not a major story but it warranted a mention on the news as the hotel staff had apparantely tried to drag him out and an injury ensued. 

My gran is watching with disgust before uttering ‚Äúwell they would not evacuate me if I did not want to go‚ÄĚ.¬†

To which I replied ‚ÄúI would bloody ejaculate you‚ÄĚ. The look on her face will haunt me forever. I waa mortified at my faux pas, that is until my Grandad who is an absolute treasure turns and says.

‚ÄĚBest of luck with that son‚ÄĚ.¬†

She made us both leave the room. 

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A decade ago in my "4/10" relationship we had just finished watching The Tale of Desperaux at the Cinema and were walking through town on the way back to the bus station. 
It was baltic and some lad outside a pub just called me a puff because I was wearing a scarf in -2 degree weather and she had been just bloody miserable all day so to say I wasn't in the greatest of spirits was an understatement. 
I couldn't wait to get home and wanted to vent so I text my best mate "She's being such a miserable bitch" and my arse dropped to the floor as I realised I'd text it to her.

Needless to say "don't read that text" just made her read it even harder and a few seconds later she full on (deservedly) belted me across the face in the middle of town. I felt like an absolute dickhead. Stood in the middle of a packed town at Christmas with a gay scarf and a smacked face. 

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I've no idea why this wasn't my 'go to' entry in this thread, but i've just remembered (daily struggle to block it from my mind) a horrific faux pas.

I had to get my prostate checked a few years back, and knowing nothing whatsoever about the process other than to ready myself for the insertion of a finger, had no idea what to expect.

I assumed the position, at which point the doctor handed me a wad of paper towels about 2" thick which, with the benefit of hindsight, were quite clearly to ahem, clear up with afterwards.

Alas, with no past experience to draw upon and all sorts racing through my head, it was then I uttered the immortal words "Oh god, it's not going to be that bad is it..." to which he looked slightly puzzled.  That is until I moved to bite down on them, at which point he clearly sussed out what a fucking idiot I was, blurting out "NO!" before gesturing a wiping motion - it's like he couldn't even bring himself to talk to me after that, and rightly fucking so.

Honestly, i've never felt so horrified.  You know when that instant HEAT consumes your body when you realise you've fucked up.  That.  Badly.

 

 

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When my dad died a mate picked me up at the airport so I could get home quick and because he's ace. 

On entering the car he asked what had happened and I said "it was the big C......It fell off the sign at Currys and hit him on the head." 

I forget where that jokes from, but it was the first thing that went through my head. Thankfully he knows how my head works, but if it was anyone else I suspect I'd have been left stood in the arrivals lounge. 

 

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Ok.

What springs to mind for me - I used to work at a Garden Centre. Not for the centre but at a concession selling sheds and garden buildings. unfortunately at the time our uniform consisted of a green shirt. the garden centre staff all wore black, but we very regularly were mistaken for centre staff and asked questions pertaining to plants that we couldn't answer.  I know nothing about plants.

So, there was this woman who worked there that needed surgery on her nose. I have no idea what her name was but the surgery, as mostly happens resulted in her having two very large bruises around her eyes.

Anyway, this one day, a couple asked me "Where can I find Black Eyed Susan?" I have no idea why I said what I said next and you can probably guess where this is going - "Not sure I haven't seen her today"

Black Eyed Susan is a plant.

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When I was about fifteen, my uncle Noel got married. At the party afterwards, there was this massive card being passed around with everyone writing their messages of congratulations and what have you. Having gotten my mitts on the card and thinking everyone would find it hilarious combined with the fact not everyone liked his missus, I wrote something along the lines of "Noel, condolences on your marriage" and signed my name. What a horrible little bastard.

A short time later, his wife is reading the card and my message caused her to start crying and run out of the party to her hotel room upstairs saying that I'd ruined her day. She came back in eventually but not before she gave me a massive telling off in front of everyone and Noel gave me a dig in the head. My Dad found whole thing hilarious to be fair so it wasn't a total mess.

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As part of my job, I stamp little books for kids with a paw print, and most of them also want it on their hand. I stamped one little girl, and she looked well chuffed, so I said "you'll be able to go home and show daddy your first tattoo!" She replied, "daddy's living at nanny's and he's not coming back." I walked away, not making eye contact with the mother...

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My wife owned what can be best be described as a pair of stripper shoes, clear heels and that. My parents were visiting and my Mum picked one of them up off the shoe rack and innocently asked my wife 'How on earth do you walk in these?' to which my wife replied 'Oh, I never wear them outside the house!'

I have never seen someone put an item down so fast.

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