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The Joy of Shitting


scratchdj
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It’s the topic that comes up more often than most, and one that always attracts several of UKFF’s more loyal members like flies to an excreted bolus.

So here’s the *official* UKFF thread for discussing everything toilet, such as:

1) Doing a poo is great, isn’t it?

2) How often do you dung?

3) Do you have a preferred time of the day to empty your bowels?

4) Do you have a preferred method of ridng the log flume?

5) Maybe you have a favourite euphemism, like scoring a touchdown for the Cleveland Browns or straddling the Porcelain Juggernaut?

6) Don’t like tudding away from home? Why’s this?

7) Tried a UKFF Prune Smoothie lately?

8 ) Wipe dry or cleanse wet?

9) My wife’s best mate doesn’t shit on Holiday, like, 10 days without pushing Troy Aikman’s Mud Button. How does this work and where does it all go?

10) Whatever makes you happy.

For me, doing a poo-poo is easily one of the best parts of my adult life and I try to keep to a regular 3-per-day regime. Just before work, mid-afternoon and when I get home, just before tea. I don’t read, play games or search Twitter - I just do a shit. Pure. Simple.

At weekends, when we visit the in-laws for a Sunday roast, my mid-afternoon poo comes just as we’re about to leave, meaning a lovely lunch sets up a welcomed return home really quite beautifully.

So, over to you - let’s talk pap and how it affects you.

 

Edited by scratchdj
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22 minutes ago, King Coconut said:

I've recently moved to a place that has a toilet that gets blocked by my average expulsion. It's robbed me of all the joy a shit can bring. 

This happens in my en-suite and the downstairs bog has a loose seat which shifts when I sit down, and that can be very disconcerting when you're crapping.

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One in the morning at work. Another in the afternoon at work. Maybe I'll squeeze one in (out?) at home but two loads usually does it for me. I prefer to shit at work as I derive great joy from both getting paid to shit AND getting paid to browse eBay.

As I'm getting older though, constipation is becoming a beast to deal with. The past few weeks especially have seen a lot of empty bowls and disappointment. My diet is better than ever with increased fiber but this hasn't helped. Ironically, the only time I'm guaranteed a lovely exit session is when I eat fast food or a takeway.

Also, I am fine to shit anywhere in anyone's toilet and I take great issue with people who can't do this, which includes the missus. If you have germ issues, just cushion the seat with tissue and get to it. Honestly.

Edited by Accident Prone
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A chap at work is 46, lives with both parents and has never had a girlfriend or been on holiday.

After an incident in the bogs at work, he proudly proclaimed that he “only stools at home.”

So that means that every tud he’s ever done has been on the same bog. Mental.

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everyone should have a pooping stool or Squatty Potty. Marvelous things. I normally have my first of the day following the first coffee of the day. Maybe one or 2 more before the day is through. I am more regular since I cut out meat.

We are getting a new bathroom this year and I am thinking of going upmarket for the new toilet and been looking at those with the special features like water jets and heated seats having used them on my travels. Has anyone actually bought one for home? Looking at about £400 for one, but I think it would be a sound investment to get heated water cleaning you by pressing a button rather then using loads of paper.

Edited by Hannibal Scorch
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Just now, Ralphy said:

If u don't have coffee, can you still go? i don't tolerate coffee well, even decaff, but i do find i can go easier if i have it 

 

 

yeah. I mean it is an accelerate, but if I don't have one I still have one, but maybe a few hours or so later rather then the 30 minutes post coffee consumption 

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2 hours ago, King Coconut said:

I've recently moved to a place that has a toilet that gets blocked by my average expulsion. It's robbed me of all the joy a shit can bring. 

My first place had this exact same problem. Back in the day, before all the kale and spinach, my logs would have fucked up The Meg, so pretty much after a trip I'd have to spend a silly amount of time battling the beast. One time I came in pissed from the pub, (apparently) did the deed, and woke up to find my bowl overflowing onto the tiles.

In my current house I find the downstairs toilet is too close to the wall, which annoys me no end.

Edited by ColinBollocks
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2 hours ago, Accident Prone said:

One in the morning at work. Another in the afternoon at work. Maybe I'll squeeze one in (out?) at home but two loads usually does it for me. I prefer to shit at work as I derive great joy from both getting paid to shit AND getting paid to browse eBay.

Someone after my own heart.  Watch those pound notes stack up whilst you're crimping.

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I don't like shitting at my current workplace. The bathroom doesn't have adequate airflow, so it always stinks of turds and Danny Powell is in there at least 75% of the time blasting ass. I've never met anyone so consistently welded to the bog. 

I harken back to the halcyon days at Wiltshire Council; everyone working from home and a seemingly unlimited supply of pristine disabled toilets. 

Edited by Gus Mears
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Between the various medications I'm on and my general unhealthiness, I shit a maximum of three times a week, but usually twice.. When I do go, it is always at home (I cannot deal with public toilets and the toilets at work are directly adjacent to the kitchen so I don't want someone eating their lunch to hear me pushing a baby-sized log out) and always...big. Always a clogger.

I never feel constipated. The two or three times a week I need to go, I go. Otherwise, I just...don't feel the need to go.

Some of you guys are going multiple times per day...is that normal?

Edited by SpursRiot2012
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4 hours ago, ColinBollocks said:

In my current house I find the downstairs toilet is too close to the wall, which annoys me no end.

The place we’ve just moved to has the same issue. It is odd and I haven’t quite figured out where to fit my left leg when I sit yet.

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