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Stuff that happened as a child that really shouldnt have.


IANdrewDiceClay

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I suspect this thread might turn into 'I've just realised my PE teacher was a nonce.' On our first day, the head of PE told us he hated boxer shorts, because "they make your dingle-dangle dangle where it shouldn't dingle," so they were banned. Consequently, anyone caught wearing boxers had to take them off and go commando beneath the little football shorts we all had to wear. If he discovered you were wearing boxers during the lesson, you'd have to run back to the changing rooms and remove them.

You know what really makes your dingle-dangle dangle out of your short legs when you're doing PE? When you're not wearing any underwear at all. 🤔

Incredibly, among the obvious bullies and underwear obsessives, a couple of the PE teachers were good blokes. A few years ago, an Australian exchange teacher who was at our school in the 90s, posted up some of the camcorder footage he'd shot on his last day. "Oh, there's Mr. Not-a-Nonce," I thought, when one of the good PE teachers entered frame. First words out of his mouth -- "A negro walks into a pub..."

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I had more than a few slaps off my junior school headmaster, who was an utter cunt. Some for stuff I did, some for stuff I didn't do.

Sent me home in tears from a school disco one year for stealing 20p (didn't steal anything), was told years later that my father apparently knocked him out over it. Never verified if that was true but like to believe it was.

PE teacher in comp once threatened to smash my face in. Months later my brother threatened to park a lorry on him, after he gave my brother some lip when he was picking me up because I was "sick"

In short. Fuck school.

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Don't want to turn this into a "kid's these days don't know how lucky they are" type thing, but kid's these days really don't know how lucky they are! 

When I go to my kid's parents evenings, or look into what they are up to at school, it's plain to see how much their teachers actually care about their education rather than the professional tosspots we had at our school. I can think of maybe 3 teachers that we honestly believed cared about our GCSE results rather than being there simply to pick up a pay check. 

I spent most of my latter school life wagging it and working on the market to pay for my piss ups because I couldn't see the point of going to school to be taught by people that didn't care about us. In fact, I only sat my GCSE's to prove a point to my History teacher who saw us sat in a pub and proceeded to tell me I wouldn't stand a chance in my exams and would amount to fuck all. Ended up with 6 C's, so don't think I did that bad to say I didn't do any revision...

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3 hours ago, Astro Hollywood said:

Incredibly, among the obvious bullies and underwear obsessives, a couple of the PE teachers were good blokes.

Some of our PE teachers were good blokes, too. We had a bloke who looked like Michael Barrymore who is a bit of a celeb now because he was Jordan Henderson's youth coach at Sunderland. He was a mix. Some liked him and some hated him. I thought he was class, myself. Really got his sense of humour. Which was taking the piss out of anyone that wasn't me. I genuinely think he thought I was mentally ill, just because I showed up to PE in the first year seniors wearing a Middlesbrough training top from 1984 that was a mile to big for me. So he always treated me with kid gloves. Every time I showed up for PE he'd always shout "Ole Gunner Solksjaer!" at me, for reasons I still dont know. He always used to shout it. Another lad had this big quiff type haircut, which was so unusual in 1999/2000. Everyone called him Elvis, so whenever he'd arrive for PE, our teacher would just go "whalla-whalla-whalla-whalla-woomp" at him. Everyone was greeted with a signature impression. It was quite funny. Always liked that he'd make sure nobody in his classes were picked on. He'd go absolutely mad if someone was called a "fat cunt" or had their money stolen from their blazer.

This may sound like an old "I had a wank and a cup of tea was waiting for me" cliché, but our Swimming teacher was a legitimate nonce. He left school the same time as we did. The last day, he thought it would be fine to say "look at the bouncers on you" followed by a "honk honk" type squeeze to one of the girls leaving that day. He got struck off and investigated over it. It was like "now is my chance before she leaves!"

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My Mum's mates' son used to dress me up as a girl and kiss me. He was only a year or two older than me, mind. I do have pillowy lips.

On pedo PE teachers, my old PE teacher was for years jokingly called a pedo. I found out a couple of years ago he got the sack not long after I left school for trying to bugger some feckless 14 year old.

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1 hour ago, Steve Justice said:

I watched an old lady get crushed to death by a bus. I could have prevented it too. I watched it play out in front of me in what seemed like slow motion. All I had to do was shout out and stop her. . 

"I did not see it."

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My mate Ian was dancing around in a circle outside Geography in Year 8 once and chanting "POODOPHILE POODOPHILE POODOPHILE" in an old Southern preachers voice for reasons we've never got to the bottom of, and instead of letting it slip as a load of bollocks that kids get up to, Mr Jones collared both me and him insisting that we'd both called him a paedophile. Long story short Ms. Butcher who everyone joked was Bonesy's girlfriend had us up against the wall in her class in front of everyone and was raving at us for a bit and finished the point off with  "I bet you can't even SPELL the word PAEDOPHILE" yelled as loud as you can possibly yell, all because of some absolutely made up bullshit. I can't even remember what the punishment was but being accused of being too thick to spell nonce was enough.

 

I thought Mr Jones was alright up to that point, but I had my revenge a year later when in the middle of a class during our actual SAT year when we should have been learning the football team of the year all burst into the class and went WAHEY LET'S BATTER HIM LADS and obviously because the cunt had no authority owing to being so thin we called him Bonesy they ignored his pleas and gave him something akin to the birthday beats while shouting OI OI OI OI and during the melee a lad called Ben did a Klinsmann across his desk sending stationary, important learning papers and everything else across the floor. 

 

On the dodgy PE teacher tip we never had anyone that bad, but we did have one who was driving us to some sports center way out south and even though you felt a certain rapport with PE teachers that you never got with others it was quickly revealed as an empire built on sand because during this particular tip he got into an argument with a driver, got out of his van and then repeatedly had his head kicked in by the other guy and instead of helping everyone sat in the van watching and laughing while he told the guy I'VE GOT KIDS IN THE VAN YOU LOON to no avail.

 

One that isn't school related - I had three friends who lived across the street and looking back on it it's sort of sad to realise that I was the dickhead of the group who got treated like shit, but I guess that's just how kids work out, anyway, this one lad John who we nicknamed Cadbury because of his birthmark on his big gut lived in a house that had weird families moving in and out of it every few months. He was the worst tit imaginable but he was popular so it paid to just hang out with him. Kickers were big in the 90s here, not sure about anywhere else, but here they were big business and all the hard lads had them. Me, Cadbury and two others were sat in his bedroom looking at Pogs of Tony Cottee or whatever and suddenly Cadbury tells us to check something out, and from under the bed he pulls out a box with a fresh new pair of Kickers in. Everyone's going ooh etc and he takes them out to show us all over and for whatever reason the fucking guy licks the sole and tells us "they taste new". I'm not very on the ball and was the spod of the group but in my head I knew enough to know this was fucking objectively mental, but to not say anything. He then offers out the show to the rest of us and tells us to have a taste so we believe him. The other two oblige, I decline. I have never regretted it but simultaneously never understood what the fuck happened because up until that point we were normal kids and he was the hard one in an age where doing basically anything at all was labeled 'gay'. Typing this out has just reminded me aswell, we used to climb on the roof of this school just for something to do and on one journey up a lad called Carl just got his dick out apropos of nothing and started sunbathing with his dick out, then Anthony got his dick out, then Alan. All of them laying on the roof of a disused school with their bollocks out relaxing. I remember this clear as day because you could see Anfield from the roof and it was Ian Rush's testimonial. It's tainted that 6 nil victory for me.

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I knew you'd come up trumps, @Cannibal Man. I remember the Kickers story from another thread (and it was funny), but the other stuff is just brilliant, especially the "POODOPHILE" and the "I'VE GOT KIDS IN THE VAN, YOU LOON" bits.

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I remember during my first year of secondary school after sitting my SATs, my maths teacher claimed that I must have cheated. Because I got the highest marks in the class, but i was a lazy sod who would rather be out on my bike or playing with my speccy rather than do homework. All of my school reports apart from science and PE were of the he's a bright kid, but needs to focus ilk.

The same maths teacher also once threw my homework book in the bin claiming that that's where it belonged because I did my homework on the bus on the way to school. So as you can imagine it wasn't the tidiest as I scribbled it down on the 15 minute bus ride. We constantly butted heads during that year, he was more annoyed that he would always throw questions to me and most of the time I would get them correct.

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16 hours ago, Sergio Mendacious said:

Forgot my P.E. kit once in primary school, and got the standard punishment, which was to be forced to strip down to socks and underpants and play netball with the girls, aged about eight.

This was a rule in our Primary School. If you forget your kit you had to do PE in your underpants. I think what made this worse is that at that age I probably didn't even pack my bag, so imagine the horror of getting changed and trying to find your kit and it not being there. 

I also remember in my very first primary school being made to stand outside in the cold when I swore at a teacher. I probably deserved it, but not sure teachers would get away with that in this day & age.

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