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On 8/1/2020 at 7:30 PM, Kookoocachu said:

Hey friends. Some of you know I’ve struggled with my mental health since childhood, battling it and coping with it isn’t anything new to me. But right now I’m really struggling.

A year ago in a few days time I managed to get out of yet another one of my terrible relationships, he was narcissist and at some points I was so low I was suicidal. Dyllan is the only reason I didn’t act on these thoughts. I’ve spent a year single now giving myself time to heal and learn to love myself, I was doing really well (special mention goes to Frankie for being there for me as always). Then I lost my best friend. Everything then seemed to spiral. I have a lot of stress in my life with my illness, financial difficulties, high functioning autistic son etc etc but I had a good grip on it all. I just lost all ability to cope. I’ve lost the person I would message about anything and everything, good and bad. I’m crippled with guilt that I couldn’t afford to travel to see him one last time before he died so I could say goodbye. There are days I can’t stop crying because I miss him so much. I’m getting there, I think, but god is it hard.

I’ve just finished what feels like my millionth round of therapy. I want to look at private therapy now but who on earth has that kind of money? I could make a donation goal on my Twitch channel, but that pot would run out very quickly. 

I feel very alone even though I know I have a few friends, although far away. Thank goodness I have Dyllan and my dog. I don’t know if anyone has any wise words but I just needed to get it off my chest to people that knew Chris too.

I'm sorry that you are in that place kooks, it's the most horrible and lonely place to be without that person to give strength or give guidance. 

This may have been said a million times to you already, so I'm sorry this may repeat. 

a. Have you tried talking to him as if he was still there? What would you say, and how do think he would respond?

Even write a series of letters to him and the responses you think he may have given if it helps you as they can keep him and his lessons alive and may help you if you need to turn somewhere for the help he gave. 

There are many many aspects of grief and none are the correct or right way for it to pass. 

I was a total mess when my best mate died, the posts may have been long deleted but his memory and his smile, his laugh and guidance are never far away. I still ask for advice when I've reached an impossible situation as he always knew the words to say too. 

b. Narcs are my chosen specialist subject. I've dated enough of them and the blog on my Facebook profile may help with coming to terms with that. If not, I have the metric glut load of links and hints and tips to help find you, how to trust and how to grow and live. 

Not sure if it's still about, but Out of the Fog was a phenomenonal resource for rebuilding, the message board was massively helpful in trying to make sense and recover after an ordeal like that. 

7 years on, nearly and I genuinely have completely blocked much of 2013 to the end of 2015 from my memory. I genuinely couldn't tell you much about it nor do I want to. 

However, I'm nearly 3 months into a relationship with someone who gets and understands that there maybe flashbacks and cptsd moments and that I may shutdown completely when triggered etc. It's like something I've never known possible.

Depending on the horror, it takes time to process. There's no limit and it's when you want to not right this very second type thing. 

c. Are you still vlogging? Those were really good and would it help you to start to do that again, even if you don't post them, or make them public so that you can start to shine again. 

Anyhoo their just some thoughts and I'm sure the guys and gals here can help further as well. 

 

 

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On 8/1/2020 at 7:30 PM, Kookoocachu said:

Hey friends. Some of you know I’ve struggled with my mental health since childhood, battling it and coping with it isn’t anything new to me. But right now I’m really struggling.

A year ago in a few days time I managed to get out of yet another one of my terrible relationships, he was narcissist and at some points I was so low I was suicidal. Dyllan is the only reason I didn’t act on these thoughts. I’ve spent a year single now giving myself time to heal and learn to love myself, I was doing really well (special mention goes to Frankie for being there for me as always). Then I lost my best friend. Everything then seemed to spiral. I have a lot of stress in my life with my illness, financial difficulties, high functioning autistic son etc etc but I had a good grip on it all. I just lost all ability to cope. I’ve lost the person I would message about anything and everything, good and bad. I’m crippled with guilt that I couldn’t afford to travel to see him one last time before he died so I could say goodbye. There are days I can’t stop crying because I miss him so much. I’m getting there, I think, but god is it hard.

I’ve just finished what feels like my millionth round of therapy. I want to look at private therapy now but who on earth has that kind of money? I could make a donation goal on my Twitch channel, but that pot would run out very quickly. 

I feel very alone even though I know I have a few friends, although far away. Thank goodness I have Dyllan and my dog. I don’t know if anyone has any wise words but I just needed to get it off my chest to people that knew Chris too.

Having a best friend and someone you can completely rely on is such a weight off your shoulders until it's gone. I've had a few over the years that I've lost and suddenly to feel so alone and like you have to cope with everything by yourself is such a monumental change.

I've tried to open up to more people over the years just to try and avoid that situation really. I have no faith in people sticking around, and you don't know what can happen to anyone, so I guess I've tried to manage it as much as I can. But it's natural to have that one person you can really rely on.

You're talking about moving on to private therapy. What do you think isn't working about what you've done already? Just curious about the benefits of private therapy and the costs. It's not for everyone and an expensive road to go down.

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In regards to the therapy, I’ve been in the system since I was about 9/10 thanks to a particularly abusive childhood. In 2012 I had a pretty horrific experience where I had a breakdown and ended up being assaulted by a Male mental health nurse. It still effects me to this day and it’s taken a lot for me to put any kind of trust in the system again. No amount of apologies can take away how it’s made me feel as you can imagine. 
In their own words I’m a complicated case (diagnosed with not only depression but also complex ptsd from childhood and the incident). They simply don’t have the therapists that specialise in what I have here on the island).

On Chris and grief. I have imagined in my head talking to him in texts and even as if he’s here with me. It does help a bit, but then I get upset that he’s not here or that he can’t read my messages or pick up my calls.

Life after narcissists is hard but I’m proud of myself with how far I’ve come. For the first time in my life I love myself and it’s a weird feeling. I know Chris would be so proud of me. Narcissists aren’t completely out of my life though as my parents are too. It’s taken years to figure out but how my childhood and I ended up all makes sense. 
 

I don’t vlog anymore, no. I’m solely on Twitch now but funny you should say because my viewers always ask me when I’m coming back to YouTube. I’ve simply fallen out of love with the platform. Plus I never do anything interesting to vlog anyway. If you’re bored in the mornings I do coffee chats where we all sit and put the world to rights if you’re interested. Same username.

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Having weaned myself off my previous meds, i am due to start amitriptyline today, i have had this before around 12 years ago, but i cant really remember the side effects or how it generally effected me, anyone have recent experience of this medication? PM me if you wish to instead, thanks 

I am slowly getting to some of the causes of my issues, its a tough one to grasp still though

Im in a fair bit of pain and discomfort with various issues and strange flare ups of fibromyalgia/diabetes type symptoms, having a blood test next week

I had an MRi last year to test for MS but it came back ok, aside from some white lesions on my brain which are slightly advanced for my 34 years 

Edited by Ralphy
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Earlier this week I had a bit of a depressive relapse. I’d been doing really well, I’d even started posting about wrestling again. That probably seems like a strange achievement to highlight on a wrestling forum, but wrestling’s shitty side had really affected me. It had been a form of escapism, but for a while at least, I felt like it couldn’t be anymore.

Anyway, on Monday I started feeling anxious, paranoid and really, really low. It hit me suddenly and I don’t really know why. 

I’m feeling a bit better now, and I do find like sharing my feelings on the forum surprisingly helpful. I’m really grateful to all the wonderful people here who have been supportive in the past.

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17 minutes ago, RedRooster said:

Earlier this week I had a bit of a depressive relapse. I’d been doing really well, I’d even started posting about wrestling again. That probably seems like a strange achievement to highlight on a wrestling forum, but wrestling’s shitty side had really affected me. It had been a form of escapism, but for a while at least, I felt like it couldn’t be anymore.

Anyway, on Monday I started feeling anxious, paranoid and really, really low. It hit me suddenly and I don’t really know why. 

I’m feeling a bit better now, and I do find like sharing my feelings on the forum surprisingly helpful. I’m really grateful to all the wonderful people here who have been supportive in the past.

It's tough having those relapses. I guess you just have to know that you've been through it before and survived and you'll do it again. Working out what may have triggered it would definitely help though.

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33 minutes ago, RedRooster said:

Earlier this week I had a bit of a depressive relapse. I’d been doing really well, I’d even started posting about wrestling again. That probably seems like a strange achievement to highlight on a wrestling forum, but wrestling’s shitty side had really affected me. It had been a form of escapism, but for a while at least, I felt like it couldn’t be anymore.

Anyway, on Monday I started feeling anxious, paranoid and really, really low. It hit me suddenly and I don’t really know why. 

I’m feeling a bit better now, and I do find like sharing my feelings on the forum surprisingly helpful. I’m really grateful to all the wonderful people here who have been supportive in the past.

Writing, for me at least, is such a good form of escape, even if it is on trivial things.

I try and see it as releasing everything from my brain out into the physical world and then when I've finished, it's not inside anymore so it can't bother me, as if I have nothing left in my head.

It's a symbolic thing and it doesn't always work, and is a bit cheesy, but it's been one of my best coping mechanisms to be honest.

Glad you're feeling better, all about those little steps forward.

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45 minutes ago, DavidB6937 said:

It's tough having those relapses. I guess you just have to know that you've been through it before and survived and you'll do it again. Working out what may have triggered it would definitely help though.

I think that’s helpful advice, thank you. I’m not sure anything specific triggered it though, although I suppose I can’t say for sure. I was playing the Playstation and suddenly felt horrendous.

I was alone at the time, and if I hadn’t been I don’t think it would have happened. But it wasn’t being alone that triggered it. 

But as you say, working through each relapse puts you in a position of strength, not weakness. It’s something I can look at if or when it happens next, knowing that I can get past it.

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15 hours ago, RedRooster said:

I think that’s helpful advice, thank you. I’m not sure anything specific triggered it though, although I suppose I can’t say for sure. I was playing the Playstation and suddenly felt horrendous.

I was alone at the time, and if I hadn’t been I don’t think it would have happened. But it wasn’t being alone that triggered it. 

But as you say, working through each relapse puts you in a position of strength, not weakness. It’s something I can look at if or when it happens next, knowing that I can get past it.

Absolutely! And what I've found has helped massively over the years is actually being aware of how you're feeling and what you're going through etc. Even if you don't necessarily get to the bottom of why, it's at least helpful to know what you're dealing with.

Looking back, a lot of my struggles were with not recognising what I was going through. Either not being willing or not understanding. Now I feel a lot more in control. Sure, I still have ups and downs, but I'm no longer trying to just bury everything and pretend it's all fine. Sometimes it won't be and acceptance is a big thing.

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Anyone ever go through stages where they don't take their antidepressants and they don't know why? You think about doing it, you know you need to do it but you just don't. I suppose it's just like any other self care thing you might stop doing. 

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10 minutes ago, Vamp said:

Anyone ever go through stages where they don't take their antidepressants and they don't know why? You think about doing it, you know you need to do it but you just don't. I suppose it's just like any other self care thing you might stop doing. 

Yeah, like pretty much everyone else that suffers from depression and displays self destructive/loathing behaviour, sometimes I fucking HATE taking them, and go through large periods of time where I think I'm weak and pathetic for having to have them.

But that's just my brain being an absolute cock, and I thankfully find something to snap myself out of it sharpish as they are a necessity. 

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I feel there’s a part of me that is conditioned into thinking that any mental health issue I have is a weakness, and I am making too much of a big deal about it.

Ultimately I know that it’s not true and I wouldn’t ever think that about someone else. But there’s still that niggling feeling inside me that utterly dismisses the idea that my problems are anything but an overreaction.

I think it’s very easy to do that with your own problems, so I try to take me situation and apply it to someone else, then consider what I would say to them or think about it. I find that a pretty helpful way to think.

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EDIT - just needed to get this off my chest more than anything

Not been feeling so good again lately, feeling all kinds of tense, nervous and anxious and i have started to borderline binge eat again.

Had an issue with my heart and various symptoms of weakness, fatigue, mind fog, leg cramps, numbness and twitching and shortness of breath and insomnia

i am finding it hard to think straight and my minds all over the place 

Even as i type this i feel out of breath and like my heart is in my mouth

Had my ticker checked out and my blood at the hospital, i have a low heart rate of 50 so thats a possible reason as to a few of my issues

Another was my blood sugar as i wasn't eating often enough, my parents enforce a routine on eating and i get sour looks if i dont abide 

i often feel like if i phone a Doctor or i am in the hospital that i am not taken at all seriously and that i am a burden to them 

I need to do better for myself and move away to my own space (sharing wouldnt be for me) and i want to, however i cant afford to as i am unable to work currently due to my issues and my dad takes every bit of money i get and bleeds me dry

got to try and claim UC as a sick man tomorrow and having read horror stories about it, i am dreading it 

@Vamp i too feel like that with meds, i get scared i will become dependent on them and they are very hard to come off 

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19 hours ago, Vamp said:

Anyone ever go through stages where they don't take their antidepressants and they don't know why? You think about doing it, you know you need to do it but you just don't. I suppose it's just like any other self care thing you might stop doing. 

I did this regularly for a long time. Looking back now I hated the idea of dependence or justified it with " I'm fine now". The inevitable crash was the shits.

It took nearly 10 years for me to be comfortable and consistent in taking my meds because of a combination of stubbornness and being a bit of a cunt about not accepting I need them long term. 

I also doubled up on stuff if I was having a bad time, on the logic that pills help so two pills help twice as much. They did but only in so much as I was faily stoned and too out of it to really care.

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Hi all, 

Just a quick question, I have been on Sertraline for a good few months (since February) and was up to 150mg until a few weeks ago when i reduced to 100mg. My issue is, i want to completely come off them, they are having an adverse effect on my physical health and the Mrs and I are planning on increasing our family and the sertraline is having effects that could hamper that. 

Does anyone have any experience in just stopping taking them or how to reduce the dosage to nil? 

Thanks 

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