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Ralphy

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Apparently some family members are spotting that I've been feeling a bit down, even though I don't particularly feel like I am, or no more than I usually am. I have noticed that my facial tics are a little more active than they can be, and there's a weird spasm I keep getting in my cheek. I'm at the Doctor's on Monday afternoon after my other half made an appointment for me the other day. 

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7 hours ago, Silky Kisser said:

Ralphy, have you tried talking to your mother or father? Do they know how your feeling? 

Mum i have to a degree, dad, absolutely not, he is off limits and unapproachable, his only goal is to upset me.I did a 4 mile walk this morning, then went to the gym and did weights and 40 min blast on the cross trainer, got home, ate, then felt sad due to some conflicts at home, so did another 12 miles walking, todays total is 17.11 miles, ive done 114.56 miles walking in 7 days now. todays walk was in the pissing rain too, but oh well

I cant even make a cup of tea without getting a bollocking, i am also scared to bath shower and sue the toilet, i get a bollocking if i go too much (bear in mind i have a bowel condition) and if i use the shower too much (once a day is too much for his liking) i get a bollocking. I try to do as much as i can in secret from him, so i font risk a bollocking, i can basically do nothing right

I told mum i am frightened of him today, shes a lovley soul but she didn't day anything 

I like the word bollocking, clearly 

Edited by Ralphy

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7 hours ago, jazzygeofferz said:

Apparently some family members are spotting that I've been feeling a bit down, even though I don't particularly feel like I am, or no more than I usually am. I have noticed that my facial tics are a little more active than they can be, and there's a weird spasm I keep getting in my cheek. I'm at the Doctor's on Monday afternoon after my other half made an appointment for me the other day. 

I often get spasms in my neck and twitches, uncontrollable ones, due to anxiety, it may be to do with that 

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Apropos of nothing more than finding it reassuring to write down, I always tried to live each day and be grateful I've always failed in killing myself, but just lately I've been more overcome with a disappointed I don't have the strength to make a proper job of it.

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4 hours ago, Ralphy said:

I often get spasms in my neck and twitches, uncontrollable ones, due to anxiety, it may be to do with that 

I think the ones in my face are also a leftover from a mini stroke I had about 5 years ago. 

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@Ralphy do you think that in addition to your depression and anxiety issues you have some sort of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? Obviously I don't know you but just from reading your posts it seems like you are somewhat painstakingly listing your food intake and exercise regime. It might be worth bringing up to a medical professional next time you have an appointment.

It seems like you are chasing the high that comes with the blood sugar spike of sugary and carby foods and the endorphins of exercise. These inevitably and unfortunately come with a comedown which isn't going to help if you're already experiencing manic phases and extreme depressive lows. If I was you, I would make a real effort to follow a more balanced diet and exercise plan - write it down and stick to it as best as you can if you have to.

More importantly, just to echo what some others have said, if you are having suicidal thoughts of any kind then I think you need to try to recognise the gravity of your situation and seek immediate help. It's one thing to say you know you wont act on it but you never know how your conditions might develop/worsen especially as a response to something particularly bad.

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On 6/7/2019 at 5:35 PM, Ralphy said:

and sue the toilet,

Maybe you and Steve Justice can put the ass into class action!

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22 hours ago, Ironic Indie Lad said:

@Ralphy do you think that in addition to your depression and anxiety issues you have some sort of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? Obviously I don't know you but just from reading your posts it seems like you are somewhat painstakingly listing your food intake and exercise regime. It might be worth bringing up to a medical professional next time you have an appointment.

It seems like you are chasing the high that comes with the blood sugar spike of sugary and carby foods and the endorphins of exercise. These inevitably and unfortunately come with a comedown which isn't going to help if you're already experiencing manic phases and extreme depressive lows. If I was you, I would make a real effort to follow a more balanced diet and exercise plan - write it down and stick to it as best as you can if you have to.

More importantly, just to echo what some others have said, if you are having suicidal thoughts of any kind then I think you need to try to recognise the gravity of your situation and seek immediate help. It's one thing to say you know you wont act on it but you never know how your conditions might develop/worsen especially as a response to something particularly bad.

I am not sure about OCD tbh, i do tend to walk and exercise a bit too much, since i have the time, i go out regardless of the weather and/or if im in pain, like i am now and i like to follow routines as much as possible. I do chase highs, thats for sure, i like the rush of caffeine, the gym, sugar, and foods, amongst other things. I am not sure why i do it to be honest. i would say i experience the extrme highs and lows at a ratio of about 40/60 in favor of the lows, 

13 hours ago, Keith Houchen said:

Maybe you and Steve Justice can put the ass into class action!

Ha, i would but i dont want to make an arse out of myself, i would rather just wipe my thoughts away and flush them 

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46 minutes ago, Ralphy said:

I am not sure about OCD tbh, i do tend to walk and exercise a bit too much, since i have the time, i go out regardless of the weather and/or if im in pain, like i am now and i like to follow routines as much as possible. I do chase highs, thats for sure, i like the rush of caffeine, the gymÔĽŅ, sugar, and foods, amongst other things. I am not sure why i do it to be honest. i would say i experience the extrme highs and lows at a ratio of about 40/60 in favor of the lows,

I am not talking about the exercise itself, brother.

It's more that I had a look at your posts on here and on twitter. You seem to have a habit of posting itemised lists of literally every single thing you consume. Have a scroll back through your own tweets and you will see how often you do this. It strikes me as obsessive which is related to anxiety.

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Ralphy have you thought of doing some voluntary charity work ? I was in a very bad way a few years back, so worked 6 months in a charity shop. I really loved it and met so many nice people. Still go back and work the odd day there now. If a shop ain't your thing theres all kinds of charities about looking for help.

It might not solve the world but it would keep you out the house for the day and might shut your old man up abit. 

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5 hours ago, Ironic Indie Lad said:

I am not talking about the exercise itself, brother.

It's more that I had a look at your posts on here and on twitter. You seem to have a habit of posting itemised lists of literally every single thing you consume. Have a scroll back through your own tweets and you will see how often you do this. It strikes me as obsessive which is related to anxiety.

It didnt occur to me at first, but you are right, i dont know why i do it! I did really well yesterday, didnt binge eat or have any bad sugar, but sadly ive gone back to my usual ways in probably the worst episode to date, wont say how much, but ive eaten enough sugar and cereal to feed the entire nation of africa and feel sick, both in a vomiting way and of myself

3 hours ago, Cousin Jim Bob said:

Ralphy have you thought of doing some voluntary charity work ? I was in a very bad way a few years back, so worked 6 months in a charity shop. I really loved it and met so many nice people. Still go back and work the odd day there now. If a shop ain't your thing theres all kinds of charities about looking for help.

It might not solve the world but it would keep you out the house for the day and might shut your old man up abit. 

Yes, i have a job appeal this Wednesday, if it doesn't go well, which i dont think it will, i will be looking into doing a few hours in a charity shop for cv purposes, i am also going to try and volunteer at the gym i go to, again, for cv reasons, and for a hopeful free membership...! 

I need to be out of the house more for sure, away from dad and food, i cant even visit my nan or granddad through shame of how i am, and that they have heavily filled biscuit tins... 

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Don't miss out on spending time with your Grandparents out of shame bruv. You'll regret that when you're gone and you'll hate yourself.

I never thought I would say these words on a wrestling forum but...It seems as if you are literally addicted to biscuits.

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So this evning's inpromptu shopping trip was eventful. My other half was looking for a father's day card for her dad, and suddenly I was overcome by a huge wave of nauseating depression at the realisation that I've got nobody to  get a card for (My stepdad passed away 6 years ago, and my rather prmiscuous biological "father" has been a non-factor in my whole life,but that's an entirely different story), but that due to my lady's hysterectomy I'm not  going to get a card myself. I don't really tend to do emotions Waiting to hear from the Autism service), and knowing how emotional Kelly gets didn't really want to be mentioning anything to her in the supermarket as I knew it'd set her off, but she dragged it out of me. 

To add to my mental state they'd moved some of the stock around as well, so it felt like we were going down one of the aisles the wrong way. Oh my brain is a most unusual place to be sometimes

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going back to the OCD thing, i am currently in a lot of discomfort with my inner thigh/adductors and legs in general, yet i still feel as though i have to get up at 3am, walk for a few hours and get home and then go to the gym despite not really wanting to sometimes. 

On one of my fairly big downers today it must be said, ive been chasing the highs, gym, sugar, carbs caffeine etc but nothing seems to last or work today

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