Paid Members Sergio Mendacious Posted January 16, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted January 16, 2018 Mine are both related to early 2000s internet fuckery. I went to Madrid to visit a university mate who was studying Spanish abroad, and idiotically planned to be there for three weeks. Familiarity bred contempt, and I quickly got sick of him (not his flatmate, though, who was a contender for Miss Andalucia the previous year, and who was happy to go arm in arm down the street to make people wonder how big this fat spud's knob must have been) and started to find other stuff to do rather than hang out constantly. I got a pass to the computer lab at his uni, and spent several hours a week there on 1wrestling.com. I don't remember exactly what banner I clicked on, but suddenly, an extremely raw child porn window opened up. Panicking, I clicked to close it, only for two to open. Closed them, got four. By the time there were about 64 nonce porn windows open, I was freaking out over what the Spanish police would do to a fat speccy Anglo with practically no Spanish, so I reached down and pulled out the power cable, and fled. I hope that Terry's mate who lent me his login didn't get in too much trouble. The other one was during my abortive attempt at training as a teacher — I was trying to put together a media studies lesson plan, scouring public domain Sherlock Holmes radio plays from the 20s. All good, until I get the audio of some porno instead of a Study in Scarlet (A Stud in Scarlett, maybe?), and the speakers started making wild fucknoises. Again, pulled the plug sharpish, but this time I definitely got "caught". Half of the staf refused to speak to me for the rest of my placement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh Thesz Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 This sounds fabricated, embellished or apocryphal however I swear this happened last year. In an amazing Indian in East Kilbride ordering a large takeaway meal. I explain to the girl behind the counter that it is so large as there were a couple of people coming round to my freinds house. After ordering all the starters and main courses I start to list salads, pita, sauces and the like. I ask for a nan bread and when she asks if I wanter one or two I respond: "How big is your nan"? Cue her bursting out laughing and me apologising. Gave her a tip of a tenner, despite her saying that she was cool and found it funny but fuck sake.   Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Tommy! Posted January 16, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted January 16, 2018 2 hours ago, Hugh Thesz said: . I ask for a nan bread and when she asks if I wanter one or two I respond: "How big is your nan"? Now nearly everyone I know says it like 'narn' unless they are deliberately trying to make that sort of joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Surf Digby Posted January 16, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted January 16, 2018 For context, what is "nan" slang for in Kilbride? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh Thesz Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 12 minutes ago, Nostalgia Nonce said: For context, what is "nan" slang for in Kilbride? Sorry folks; I genuinely thought this was a UK wide term. Show us yer nan = show me your fanny therefore I asked her how big her minge was. Â Â Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Surf Digby Posted January 17, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted January 17, 2018 1 hour ago, Hugh Thesz said: Sorry folks; I genuinely thought this was a UK wide term. Show us yer nan = show me your fanny therefore I asked her how big her minge was. Â I suspected as much, however for most of us below the border, your nan is your grandmother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoUseforaUsername Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 I just assumed women wear skintight leggings and yoga pants with no jacket/jumper/shirt covering them because they want people to stare at their ass? What other reason is there to wear them if you aren't going to the gym? It's like that documentary of the guy with the world's biggest dick I watched on Channel 4 once walking around Times Square wearing really tight pants to show off his bulge as people stared in awe/horror. What is the difference here? Is it not similarly inappropriate to walk around with your female genitalia, buttcrack and thongs visible? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoUseforaUsername Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 I got with a conventionally attractive girl in a nightclub (rare) and as we were leaving she mentioned it was the time of her month. I said I had the time of my month too. She told me to fuck off and rejected my attempts to pay for her taxi. It genuinely took me a few days to realise she was on her period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simonworden Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 I have a driving one from about a year ago. I was visiting home and typically when I have the other half with me i'll rent a car so she isn't trapped in our village all the time. So we took a trip up to Bath as it's something she wanted to see and I haven't been there for a fair while. Now, when i'm not in the UK I don't drive a car at all, instead I spend my time on a motorbike weaving through traffic with very little in the way of rules so it takes me a bit of time to adjust. On the way into Bath i'm looking for parking and watching out for lights, one way system, cyclists etc while also answering 100 questions about England. During this time a long queue of traffic decides to move quickly through the lights and I do the opposite what I was constantly told by my instructor which is to race towards them, at the last minute on the yellow (possibly just red) a car pulls out from the left. While I was fully prepared just to push on through in a split second (wrong admittedly), my wife decides to shout "It's red!" at the top of her voice meaning I panic and stop, I immediately realize I am half stopped on a pedestrian crossing while the inhabitants of bath decide to tap on my window and berate me for my poor driving. I sat there frozen forward hoping it would end however as the lights turning a woman decides to push another lady in a wheelchair down, park her in front and have a massive go at me through the side window which looking back seems more like she wanted her turn at shouting at the twat in the car even after it's my time to go. The car park was then only about 50 feet away meaning we had to face some of these people who were still mingling around the area once we got out. I spent the next month worried about getting tickets etc but nothing came of it, since then i've been a lot more conscious of my driving when i'm back in the UK as i'm not going through that again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Gus Mears Posted January 17, 2018 Author Paid Members Share Posted January 17, 2018 13 hours ago, Sergio Mendacious said: The other one was during my abortive attempt at training as a teacher — I was trying to put together a media studies lesson plan, scouring public domain Sherlock Holmes radio plays from the 20s. All good, until I get the audio of some porno instead of a Study in Scarlet (A Stud in Scarlett, maybe?), and the speakers started making wild fucknoises. Again, pulled the plug sharpish, but this time I definitely got "caught". Half of the staf refused to speak to me for the rest of my placement. This isn't dissimilar to something that happened to me in primary school. We had an American exchange teacher for a few weeks when I was in year 5/6. She was from Wisconsin and her name was Mrs Dykehouse. I thought she was the coolest teacher in the world, as she brought over vast quantities of exotic American money for us to look at (about $12), and had a passport that looked different from my passport (exciting). Some time after she left, we were having an ICT lesson. Now, I ought to preface this with the fact that it was in the days before competent controls on internet access, plus my school was in Bumblefuck, Wiltshire, so the fact we had the internet at all was a minor miracle. At the end of the 'lesson' (some staff member who had once used an Amstrad in 1992 showing us how to open Word), we had 5 minutes to look at the internet. I decided to see if I could find information on our erstwhile exchange teacher, and typed 'Dykehouse Wisconsin' into a search engine, and clicked the first link. Inevitably, this opened a lesbian grot website, and orgasmic sound effects started blaring out over my speakers and across the classroom. As often happens in moments like this, the website just wouldn't pissing well close, whatever I did. I got sent to the Head Mistresses office, and I think owing to the fact that I was the most innocuous looking child in the world at about 4 and a half foot tall and pale as all hell, got nothing but a slap on the wrist and a call to my Mum after explaining in tears what had happen. This had led to her referring to me as 'The Porn King of Wiltshire' to this day on occasion, which doesn't fail to make me feel embarrassed decades on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cobra_gordo Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 I remembered another one last night. This is really long winded but hopefully you can take some pleasure in my embarrassment. This goes back to 2004 or 2005, I'd quit uni just as all my friends had gone on placements to France and I was planning on visiting them for a couple of weeks, getting plastered and generally having a good time. A day before I'm due to go my face feels puffy so I pop to the doctors and he says he think I've got the mumps and sends me for blood tests. I cancel my trip because it's contagious, I'm gutted and sulky but I figure I'm over the worst of it, cancel my two weeks off work but ask for a couple of days off to give my face time to be less fat. A couple of days later the fat face is still there but now my balls have swollen up. I've told this story on a few nights out and the best way I've always descrbed it is they were the size of a coke can and not dissimilar in colour. I go back to the doctor and he's starting to panic as he's just seen someone else with the same symptoms. This turned out to be the start of a mumps epidemic in the area. He tells me he's already called the hospital and I need to get there asap. My mum drives me to the hospital and when I get there I'm chucked on to a bed and rushed in to a ward. Eventually I'd be put in to full on quarantine, in my own room, with anybody visiting me having to wear face masks. It was like Outbreak and I found it hilarious. After I've been wheeled on to the ward a doctor pops in. He says he's going to do a rectal examination and asks me "When did you last have your bowels opened". Now, I completely misunderstood the question and thought he was asking me if I've ever had them professionally opened, like I've been up on a ramp at a garage and had my bumhole jimmied open, so I naïvely says "Nope, never". He looked at me in utter terror and confusion and just got on with sticking his finger up my arse. I now realise he meant to ask "When did you last open your bowels" and must have tipped over his words. It'd have been easier if he's just said "When did you last have a poo". I like to imagine that he went home that night to his wife and told her about the lad he examined that morning who'd never taken a shit. The fun doesn't stop there sadly. As the doctor is mid-examination and wearing me as a puppet, the world's campest nurse opens the curtain and says "Hiya! What sort of sandwich would you like! We've got tuna or cheese". I just looked him square in the face and said "I'm fine thanks" through gritted teeth. They eventually ended up keeping me in hospital for four or five days. I'd got a massive fever, suspected pancreatitis and they were monitoring me for signs of meningitis I found out later. On the second day they wanted a piss sample. The staff nurse was absolutely stunning and a similar age to me and despite my best efforts to be charming we both knew I'd got a space hopper between my legs and I never plucked up the courage to find her to ask her out once I was discharged. I'm expecting her to hand me some sort of cup with a lid on but instead she hands me something resembling a plastic cereal bowl and with no lid. She says "Fill that please and then just press the button for attention and someone will come get it". I'm not sure if it's down to the fever, the meds I was on or what but, as I've mentioned from the bowels opening incident, I was taking things rather literally. I take the bowl in to the private loo and proceed to brim the thing. After being pumped full of liquids for a couple of days there was literally piss up to the very top of this bowl. In my ill, drugged up state I'd somehow assumed that she needed every last drop so they could conduct a proper test. I pressed the button and a bloke walks in to take it away. I caught a glimpse of his face as he went in to pick it up and he carried that thing out of the room so slowly and with shuffled steps like he was carrying a bowl full of semtex. I never saw that porter again and I didn't see much of the pretty nurse either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Surf Digby Posted January 17, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted January 17, 2018 7 hours ago, NoUseforaUsername said: I just assumed women wear skintight leggings and yoga pants with no jacket/jumper/shirt covering them because they want people to stare at their ass? What other reason is there to wear them if you aren't going to the gym? It's like that documentary of the guy with the world's biggest dick I watched on Channel 4 once walking around Times Square wearing really tight pants to show off his bulge as people stared in awe/horror. What is the difference here? Is it not similarly inappropriate to walk around with your female genitalia, buttcrack and thongs visible? Is this post meant to be an example of something embarrassing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Guvnor Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 About two or three years ago, as I was dropping my son off at school, I saw someone I knew, waved to get their attention and said 'hiya'. This bloke I'd never seen before overheard me and thought I was talking to him. The following morning, he started saying hello to me and the upshot is we've been saying hi to each other every weekday morning ever since - no other conversation or interaction in that entire time, just hi, hello or morning. I'm still wondering if he thinks he recognises me from somewhere, or just thinks I'm a bit strange. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Sergio Mendacious Posted January 18, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted January 18, 2018 Something about that story just cracks me up - reminds me of Kevin Eldon’s character in Alan Partridge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grecian Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Mine comes from my uni days. A guy who was in halls with me called Neil, a pretty cool guy, dropped out after Christmas, he didn't enjoy his course and was homesick. He stayed in touch with a few of us, and decided to come back for the Summer Ball. Day of the Ball arrives. I was getting ready, got delayed by my then girlfriend deciding she didn't look perfect, so I was late getting there. I saw Neil across the dance floor. I decided that it would be a great idea to go over and say Hi, but in my own, unique way. I snuck around, got close behind him, then leapt on his back, screaming 'You broke my heart you cunt!'. He fell over, looked at me, as if to say `What the fuck? ' It wasn't Neil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.