Keith Houchen Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 I’m sure @Guy Bifkin had a moment at a fancy dress or Halloween party. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members waters44 Posted January 15, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted January 15, 2018 A few years ago my boss’ father died suddenly. A few weeks later as he said goodbye to the staff on his way out to the funeral I automatically shouted..... “Have fun!” I still cringe about it now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Jazzy G Posted January 15, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted January 15, 2018 5 hours ago, RancidPunx said: My Mrs was shopping in an Irish budget women’s store called Penny’s. She happened to be wearing a dark dress which wasn’t a million miles away from the staff uniform . A nice little old lady assumed that she worked there and asked her for some help picking out some items and my Mrs happened to know what she was talking about and didn’t want to make the old lady feel bad so she started helping her choose her items. As she is helping her, another person starts to patiently wait for her attention as they also have assumed that she works there. Then another person starts to wait beside that person. She helped 3 people and then scampered out the door before she was rumbled. I got a high visibility jacket from work a few weeks back, which makes it so much safer to get to and from the bus stop (I have a mile and a half walk through an industrial estate from the stop) and was meeting my significant other at the train station. People kept coming over to me and asking me what time trains were leaving and from what platform. Even though my jacket in no way resembled any of the other employee jackets there and I was wearing headphones. Still, there was a massive display showing the relevant information and I managed to help them. People also kept coming over to ask if I was security before going and hopping the turnstiles to go into the toilets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guy Bifkin Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 15 hours ago, Keith Houchen said: I’m sure @Guy Bifkin had a moment at a fancy dress or Halloween party. Well remembered Keith! Yes about 15 years ago I went to a work colleague’s Halloween party dressed as the Yorkshire Ripper. A controversial choice given that I work in possibly the most liberal, pussified workplace you could imagine (people in the office openly wept the morning of Brexit). However, I wasn’t quite prepared for the shitstorm it would create as it turned out the host of the party was the niece of one of Sutcliffe’s victims. I was basically asked to leave, Larry David style and forced to wander the streets in flares, afro wig and painted on goatee. Funnily enough I’m going to the very same person’s leaving do next Friday – maybe I should dig out the outfit for old time’s sake? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Arch Stanton Posted January 16, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted January 16, 2018 22 minutes ago, Guy Bifkin said: I was basically asked to leave, Larry David style and forced to wander the streets in flares, afro wig and painted on goatee. Crying at this line. Amazing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members ColinBollocks Posted January 16, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted January 16, 2018 Good luck topping Guy's post. That's truly brilliant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Lorne Malvo Posted January 16, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted January 16, 2018 Bit of an odd one, this. Happened around a year ago. I popped into the corner shop next to where I used to work for a packet of crisps. There was a lady at the counter who used to frequent this corner shop quite often, so we'd built up that 'raising eyebrows and nodding at each other in lieu of making small talk' rapport. She was at the counter with her daughter in a pram, I squeezed past them to get to the counter. I made small talk with the cashier, paid for my crisps and attempted to leave. However, her daughter had stuck out her leg as if to block me in. Her mother started laughing and apologising, to which I replied 'oh it's fine, I really don't mind.' I meant to follow this up with 'the longer I'm trapped in here, the longer it'll take me to get back to work' (awful line I know, but I was on the spot) but instead I let the silence linger a little too long. The mother made a disgusted face and shouted at me 'Shes two! Two years old! That's inappropriate!' I had no idea what she meant, shuffled past them both and awkwardly walked back to work. It was only later that it dawned on me that her mother must have thought I meant 'It's fine, I really don't mind' in some perverted sexual way. That's the only explanation, right? As if I'd just told a woman I hardly knew and a cashier I spoke to everyday that I'm a nonce, and wasn't embarassed about it at all. I pretty much avoided that shop since, although I'd still see her around town. The head nodding was replaced by her glaring and me going red pretty much every time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RancidPunx Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 I love this thread. Got myself a cheap Android phone a few years back and took great delight in customising my sms and ring tones. Fast forward a few weeks and I’m at a funeral of a friend whose father had passed away. On queue, I get a call and have forgotten to put my phone on silent . it was at that point I realised that the Dillinger Escape Plan’s cover of the Aphex Twin song “ Come to Daddy” probably wasn’t the best choice of ringtones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve Justice Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 I once, unknowingly, admitted to a bunch of work colleagues and a fair few people on a wrestling forum that I shit wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Sergio Mendacious Posted January 16, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted January 16, 2018 28 minutes ago, Steve Justice said: I once, unknowingly, admitted to a bunch of work colleagues and a fair few people on a wrestling forum that I shit wrong. IIRC, that's nowhere near your best story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Awards Moderator Frankie Crisp Posted January 16, 2018 Awards Moderator Share Posted January 16, 2018 First day of a new job, 12 years ago. The back story is that in the interview a few weeks earlier, I was given what I thought was a hypothetical question regarding some issue over the time it was taking to convert a few thousand lines of data every week, rather than having some poor sod sit there and manually do it over the course of a couple of days. I gave them my thoughts and said I could probably knock something together to do it using a simple macro so it’d instead take a couple of minutes each week. Unbeknownst to me, they had this exact problem in the office which led to a young girl, Lou, either biting people’s heads off or crying in the toilets every Monday and Tuesday, as it was critical for one of their clients to get the data in the correct format without fail. Fast-forward to my first day and after the usual bollocks of paperwork, shaking a load of hands and sorting my PC out, one the other managers asked me for some time to see if I could lend a hand. This manager was looking after another client so was asking a favour rather than instructing me, but being the first day I wanted to make a good impression on everyone. He introduced me to Lou, who was looking like she was about to stab someone. He said that the girl who interviewed me relayed my response to the question and asked if I was talking crap or if there was genuinely something I could do. Lou was a very, very pretty girl and thanks to my first-day nerves and general inability to have a conversation with females without hyperventilating, I asked her to just send me the spreadsheet, as she received it and as it needed to be. Back at my desk, I started to think it was a piss-take as it was such a simple thing to do using a little Access database. But after asking a couple of my own team, they said this had gone on for months, nobody could speak to Lou for two days a week and that particular team (and the business as a whole, it turned out) were technological dunces. So, I cracked on, built the solution, tested it a few times then called Lou over and showed her how to use it. She honestly couldn’t get over it, asked me to show her again so she knew it wasn’t a fluke and after she checked the resultant output file to check it was accurate, she came back over and actually hugged me. Like, a proper, big, you’ve just lost a loved-one in a multi-car pile-up kind of hug. I was very embarrassed as the entire office had clocked it so I felt a bit of a tit and was going bright red. As Lou’s walking back to her desk, one of the two owners of the business walked in and muttered something along the lines of ‘bloody hell, Lou, you’re smiling on a Monday, are you drunk?’. She told him what I’d done and that she couldn’t believe this ongoing weekly nightmare had been sorted. He was a decent fella and pretty hands-on, so came over to me and asked me to show him. I did, and he was made up saying it was clearly a good appointment and he looked forward to seeing what other changes I could bring in for my own client. Again, the entire office was witnessing this so I started to get embarrassed. He was stood over me during this exchange whilst I was still sat in my seat. As he started to walk away going directly in front of me, he raised his arm with his flat palm facing me. This was to get the attention of his business partner, who’d just walked in the office through a door on the other side of the office, but behind me. He was calling him over so I could show him the solution. But I didn’t know that. I didn’t know the other bloke had walked in. I didn’t even know there was a door on that side of the office. I thought the bloke wanted me to high five him. Before my brain could point out how weird that would be, I rose out of my seat and connected sweetly. The silence in the office was deafening. I worked there for 18 months and go called Borat every fucking day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Sergio Mendacious Posted January 16, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted January 16, 2018 22 hours ago, Kaz Hayashi said: Double post Embarrassing. Frankie, that last line is a killer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith Houchen Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 When Frankie was talking about the girl, I was hoping for it to end with "Weeks later, I penetrated her" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr_Danger Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Frankie is winning so far. That was magnificent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve Justice Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Fucking hell. That is outstanding. Legitimately one of the funniest things I've ever read. 3 hours ago, Sergio Mendacious said: IIRC, that's nowhere near your best story. I'm not sure I know what you mean. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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