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SpursRiot2012

2018 Post of the Year Thread

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This in the dates thread has absolutely broken me. I didn't stop laughing at the horror of the 2nd part for about 5 minutes. Genuinely horrific. 

38 minutes ago, Cod Eye said:

I never really did the dating thing when I was younger. I met my first serious girlfriend when I was 18(before then I was never bothered about anything other than than the odd one nighter), and she was ten years older so I settled down fairly quickly. Anyway, after about 7 years we split up, and because I was a bit on the rusty side I decided to go on an online dating site.

So, I get talking to this lass who was similar age(25) to me who seemed ok and looked decent, so we decided to go out. Alarm bells start ringing when she turns up with an arese the size of a family hatchback, and looking nothing like her photos from the site, but because I was really low on confidence thought I'd give things a chance.  So we're out for some dinner, and the conversation moves onto kids. I tell her I have a young son, and she tell's me she is childless(remember this, it will become clear later). Anyway, we move on to a pub and have a fairly decent time if I'm honest. After about an hour, she suggests we go back to her's for a few drinks, and I thought, why not?

We're now back at her house and sat talking on the settee with a bottle of cheap wine when I start to hear some knocking from upstairs. I looked a bit worried, but she basically no sold it. I think to myself, fuck it and start to make a move on her and we start kissing but are interrupted when a young lad, about 12 walks in the room from upstars. Now, I'm properly startled by it and ask her who he is. Sheepishly, she informs me he is her son and she was afraid to tell me about him in case it put me off. Now, I was pissed off that she lied, but could understand why she did it. I'm in the middle of telling her not to be daft when another two lads, about 9 and 8 follow him. I look at her, and she's red faced. I ask if they are her's too, to which she confirms they are. At this point, I'm done but so I don't appear a cunt I decide to stick around a bit. I'm about to ask her if there was any more, when a girl walks in(she was 5), I'm now floored, and ask her if she wants to tell me about any more. She shakes her head, before sheepishly changing her mind and telling me about another boy(4). That's 5 now for those counting. 

I decide enough is enough and politely tell her that things won't work now. So we stand up and head for the door when it flies open. In the doorway there is now a bloke with one of those double push chair things with two toddlers in. I glanced over at her, and without having to even ask her, she just say's "yes". So that 7 kids she had, when 3 hours later she was completely childless.

I just fucked off as quick as I could after that.

 

There is also a time that the lads still give me stick for. This was in my younger days, and I had pulled a lass in a nightclub. She wasn't the type I would normally go for but it was already 1am, so needs be. So we decide to go somewhere a bit more private, but as we were both 17 at the time home was out of the question. So we found this secluded park and started to get down to it. After about a minutes foreplay(I was 17 for fucks sake) I tried to put it in, but there was no chance as it was just so tight. I asked her if it was her first time and it was no surprise when she confirmed it was indeed. After a minute or two of tryng to gain entry, I suggested she bobbed on top so she could slide it in at her own pace. That turned out to be a big mistake. I felt the tip make contact, then she just dropped, dead weight straight down on my shaft. She split my banjo string. It was agony, and she was oblivious to my plight and just carried on bobbing up and down on it. After a minute or so of sobbing, I managed to get her to stop, and when I pulled out it was like a scene from a horror movie. There was the blood from her with it being her first time, and the blood that was seeping out of my broken willy. I had to ring a mate to pick me up and take me to the A&E. Never been so embarased in my life!

 

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Absolutely yes to that and also I'd like to nominate neil's from the same thread.

 

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Teedy Kay in the 'best animals' thread with a cracking childhood story:

13 hours ago, Teedy Kay said:

Oh my God.

So, little Teedy was taken to the zoo. My Mom and Dad twice every year without fail packed me and my sisters up and off we went to Twycross to stare at Chimpanzees eating their own shit, or wanking with the aid of some sort of foliage. Twycross was our spiritual zoo home.

Then it happened, my folks decided a change was in order and 5 year old me, a 10 visit veteran of Twycross, was put in a car and dragged cross country to Whipsnade. All was going well, I was rocking my cheap bright green sunglasses, which with my thin blonde hair which made me look like Elton John, and I was taking in the joys of this new Zoo. Cockiness pouring from me.

As you do, with the sun blarring, and mid 80s summers being worthy of the actual word summer, ice creams were ordered.

I was 5, I remember very little from this age, I remember splitting my head open on our TV stand because I wasn't wearing my Wellies properly, I remember my Grandad getting nipped to fuckery by a monster crab in Tenby whilst rockpooling. But THE one memory that has burnrd into my psyche at that age and lasted longer, and more vivid than anything was what happened at that zoo on that day.

My family sat at a bench, my younger self stood transfixed by the behemoth of an ice cream that I was holding, unwilling to commit to eating it due to it's wonderful splendour and size. The grass was yellowing and a butterfly floated past and off I trotted in 5 year old wonderment.

The snort was an alarm to my soul, it was heavy, deep and shrill. I took notice due to it's strange foreign appeal, I looked away from the butterfly and towards this somewhat, even at this age, identifiable as demonic sound.

And there it stood, a fucking Tapir!!! And off I set, as quick as my little legs could carry me, toddling as fast as I could , the high pitched 'aaargh' a constant now in the Whipsnade air. And my attention concentrated on two things, my survival and not losing a drop of my magnificent ice cream.

The Tapir gave chase, I continued my run, my parents sat on a bench saw me run past shouting, followed by a Tapir supposedly chuckling as it pranced six foot behind me and then the beast's keeper.

The demon was apprehended, I was calmed, and sat on the bench I'd run past to eat the cone centric dessert of which I never lost a drop to the pride of my dad, and the keeper sang apologies to my parents, who honestly were not arsed in the slightest.

It was that day a deep set fear of change ingrained itself into my makeup. For change may bring the Tapir, and I may lose my ice cream.

 

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On 1/6/2018 at 6:43 PM, HarmonicGenerator said:

@SpursRiot2012 I can assure you we had one of these last year! Well populated in January but died a death once the rep system came in. You don’t have to be Paid to vote and nominate in this one however so it’s very helpful come Awards time to have it.

 

1 hour ago, Chest Rockwell said:

Do you need posts seconding and thirding, etc. or is upvoting the nomination enough for end of year@HarmonicGenerator

From the first page, you n00b.  

Edited by Keith Houchen
n00bs can't spell "First"

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@Chest Rockwell Any upvotes within nominations in this thread will be counted alongside +1s and secondings in the thread. If a link to the original post is included (or the Quote is linkable) I will also include any upvotes from the original post if I remember.

Edited by HarmonicGenerator

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