Numpty Children

[Carbomb]

 

 

TIL at nearly 30 years old raisins are grapes.

And me.

Black grapes. Dried white grapes are sultanas.

[Hugh Thesz]

Last Monday, at the fucking age if forty three, I discovered that pancakes are called so as they are cakes cooked .......... in a pan.

[Your Fight Site]

When I was younger I (as I'm sure a lot of children did) took things and expressions literally. "Barrel of laughs" was one, as well as "canned laughter". When my mum told me the latter phrase, I thought that meant there were cans containing laughter, and you opened and closed them to add the laughter to a TV show; and that a "barrel of laughs" was canned laughter's bigger cousin.

 

"We need a bigger laugh than what's in the cans. Get some laughter from the barrel."

[Lion_of_the_Midlands]

Last Monday, at the fucking age if forty three, I discovered that pancakes are called so as they are cakes cooked .......... in a pan.

We appear to have moved on from numpty children to just Numpties.

[stumobir]

I was in my twenties when I discovered it was "chest of drawers" and not "Chester drawers". 

[hallicks]

Aged about 4 or 5, I found out from someone on the playground that instead of a willy, a girl had something called a fanny. When I was at home that evening, I said to my dad, "Did you a know a girl's willy is called a fanny?" I got a massive smack round the head.

[Arch Stanton]

Last Monday, at the fucking age if forty three, I discovered that pancakes are called so as they are cakes cooked .......... in a pan.

This one has really made me chuckle to myself because I've never put the words together in my head like that either.

[Gus Mears]

Without opening Pandora's cake tin here, is a pancake really a cake? It doesn't hold many cake-y properties in my book. 

[mikehoncho]

Surely it's better to be called a pancake than a panny-batter-flat?  That's the only other think I could think it could feasibly be named.

[Gus Mears]

It's a glorified crepe. This pancake bollocks would not be ISO 5001 certificated. If you really want to jingo it up, call it the 'Commonwealth Crepe' or something. 

[Hugh Thesz]

When really young (bear in mind I have memories from when I was only two and a half) I though God was a horse.  To be fair this was due to television news.  In the middle 1970's there wasn't always a picture connected to the story behind the newsreader.  Instead there was often an in shadow caption such as the lady of justice.

For a reason I can't remember there was often a black horses head on a blueish background and I thought; despite going to/being taken to, mass each Sunday I thought this was the man upstairs.

 

To me that is acceptable.  What isn't is the fear that Jamie and the Magic Torch had on me.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jamie_and_the_Magic_Torch

 

 

I would have watched this on my parents black and white television or the modern colour set my Grandparents had.  I loved the show and remember it making me laugh.  The problem was when I was in bed I would wonder if the time Jamie spent in Cuckoo Land was our time or Cuckoo Land time.  This meant I used to stress like fuck over whether this character - FROM AN ANIMATED FUCKING TV SHOW - jumped into the helter-skelter say at ten o'clock but due to Cuckoo Land time not being our time also return at ten o'clock.  If it wasn't; a small Shuggy used to worry, then he would be losing sleep and thus be very tired in School the next day. 

It was only recently that it struck me that if he only went to Cuckoo Land on Fridays, Saturdays or during any holiday that my worries over his tiredness at school was thus redundant.

 

That is bad enough but what made me lose sleep and cry was regarding Jamie's torch - which he would shine on the floor so that it opened the helter skelter to Cuckoo Land.

 

If it was our time that Jamie travelled to the oft aforementioned Cuckoo Land then, as previously explained, he could leave a at ten spend his ten minutes in Cuckoo Land before returning to his bedroom - by going up the helter-skelter - returning at ten past ten.  

 

This is what worried me.

 

You see if Jamie's Mum came in to give him a kiss then she would see that he was not there - this being our time and not Cuckoo Land time remember - and maybe switch off the magic torch left.  Despite this being my favourite show hours of sleep were lost as I fretted over the next two scenarios:

 

Scenario One was that if Jamie's Mum switched off the torch the helter-skelter would disappear only to re-emerge once the torch was switched back on and pointed towards the floor of Jamie's bedroom.  This, in my mind was highly unlikely as, after all, Jamie's Mum and Dad would be so worried over his and Wordsworths' disappearance that they would never switch said torch on again thus condemning Jamie and Wordsworth to spend forever in Cuckoo Land.  PLUS in the unlikely event that the torch was switched on again would the helter-skelter appear right next to Jamie letting him know he go back to Mum and Dad otherwise he may not know it had been switched on.  PLUS what if Jamie saw the helter-skelter but Wordswoth wasn't there?  He wouldn't leave him; or would he? Ignoring the obvious that Jamie could just switch on the torch and go and get his dog after explaining his absence.Cue yet more frequent tears and snotters.

 

Though I understood both Jamie and Wordsworth loved Cuckoo Land and all their pals there they would really miss Mum and Dad. PLUS would there be enough food for Wordsworth?  

 

Scenario Two was the worst however.  What if Mum switched off the torch and when the helter-skelter appeared Jamie and poor Wordsworth would go up it but would not be able to get into his bedroom.  They would hear Jamie and his Dad shout for him and Wordsworth but they could not hear him.  Similarly Jamie and Wordsworth could shout and bark all they fucking well liked but his parents would be oblivious to their son and his Bobtail dog crying and whining for them to switch the torch back on.

 

Look at the intro:

 

HE TAKES THE FUCKING TORCH WITH HIM

 

This upset me for at least three years.

 

And to think I was over forty before finally accepting my anxiety levels meant Citalopram was a good idea.

 

Fuck sake.

[HarmonicGenerator]

Hugh, that may be the most out-there thing I may have ever read! Amazing how the child imagination works.

[Mr_Danger]

Haha, that's exactly the type of scenario that I would create but in dreams and I'd wake up trapped in the dream and I'd run around the house freaking out my mum telling her my crazy worries. I hit the citalopram a bit earlier than 40 though.

[mikehoncho]

'shrooms are great aren't they? :D

 

J&tMT was my favourite as a wee'n.  Along with Chorlton & the Wheelies.

[W35ty]

I only realised mince pies contained fruit about 5 years ago, and not, you know, mince. I was roundly mocked by my family, but if someone offers me a chicken pie, I'm going to assume there's fucking chicken in it, and not spiced fruit, which has been randomly given the name of another popular pie filling, and we're all just supposed to know.

 

Would love to see your face when offered Spotted Dick for pudding.