Numpty Children

[Devon Malcolm]

I once asked my mum how Gordon Bleu became such a good chef.

[Gus Mears]

You were onto something there, that's Carbomb's real name. 

[Guest]

Up until the age of about 17, I have no idea how I THOUGHT vaginas functioned but it took some retraining. When I was about 5 I thought everybody had a tackle, then between the ages of 7 and 10 I thought it was just a completely blank empty space, then when I learned the basics about sex stuff, I assumed it was aforementioned empty space but with one phantom hole

 

Also at about 6 I thought it'd be a good idea to ring a fire engine for across the road and look out my window at the baffled firemen wondering why nowt was on fire.

Of course 999 had a number tracker, I freaked out as they repeated my address back to me, tried to back out but got a well bloody deserved telling off from the operator before they let me hang up.

What an idiot child. In fairness I was a nice kid and spent most nights that week in tears at the thought I could have delayed somebody's genuine emergency call

[PowerButchi]

We all live inside a giant's stomach. Something I imagine Dynamite Duane still believes.

[Lion_of_the_Midlands]

I used to think of you were relegated from the GM Vauxhall Conference you went into the Scottish Premier Division because that was the order the results were read out on Grandstand

I used to believe that as well, and to be honest the state of Scottish football, it would improve the SPL if they did.

 

When I was about 6-7 I asked my nan where Via was as the bus that went past her house went to Mablethorpe Via Skegness. I said I knew where Skegness and Mablethorpe were but I wanted to go to see what Via was like.

[John Matrix]

Now bear in mind I was about 13 at the time, I can't even claim the naivety of childhood, but after coming in far too late from a kickabout after school, my mum, rightly, refused to make dinner for me, having already done so, washed up and indeed, thrown it away.

 

"I'll show you" I thought and in full on strop, proceeded to tell her "Fine.  Do it myself".  Now at the time, I LOVED those little tinned potatoes you get, the little spherical bollock shaped ones. I'd seen them on the hob before, how hard could that be?  Only we didn't have any of those, just a bag of actual potatoes in the corner.  I peeled three.  I mean I say peeled, was left with pretty much just the core by the time I'd finished, and proceeded to pop them in a saucepan with some cold water out the tap.

 

I fired up the hob, and a minute or so later, the water was bubbling, just like I'd seen it do when my mum did me some tinned pots. 

 

"Done!" I thought.

 

I proceeded out of principle to eat one and a half stone cold, raw potatoes rather than save face.

 

"They alright?" she asked.  "Perfect. Just how I like em"  I uttered like a complete fucking tit, convincing absolutely no-one.

 

***
 

In a similar vain to the misheard stuff, I was staying at a mates once, must have been around the same time - I woke up before him and whacked Gary Imlach on for the Sunday morning NFL highlights.
 

He must have been awak and watching for a bit, cos he sleepily asked "How come every time they throw the ball, the commentators say 'Catch the birdie'?.

 

"No mate, that's Vinny Testaverde...."

 

***

 

I've also just remembered, and I was at least young enough not to know better at this stage, asking Nan if I could go with Grandad when we left to "go and spend a penny".  Thought he was off up the shops dinn'i?

 

***

 

This can also be used in a positive way though come to think of it.  Similarly young and round my Nan's god rest her soul, I'd be scared, as are most kids, of house spiders.  Not even big ones, just spiders generally.

So she convinced me that her and Granded kept "Harry" as a pet and from then on, any time I saw a spider at their house, I didn't bat an eyelid.  It was "Harry the spider" just like any dog or cat. 

 

[Cod Eye]

I'm from Barnsley, and as such we have a very distinctive accent. 

 

For example, instead of hole, we pronounce it "oil". Like "I've dropped my keys in that 'oil" instead of "Ive dropped my keys in that hole"...

 

One day, my mam decided to give me a talk on contraception. Her conversation started with...

 

"Have you learn't about 'coil at school", asking about the contraceptive thing that women have fitted. My answer, was "We have learn about industry and mining"...

 

I thought she was on about Coal, which we have always pronounced "coil", and she still takes the piss out of me to this day!

[CleetusVanDamme]

Due to wrong playground information, I spent a few years giggling uncontrollably whenever I heard someone say "Bee Gees". I still need to track down and sue a show my mum was watching that uttered the phrase "After the break, MORE BEE GEES!". Clear attempted child murder.

 

I had a black and white striped pair of PJs that were referred to as "refugee jammies" as well.

[Thunderplex]

Due to having to recite the Lords Prayer every day at junior school, I thought god was called Harold.

[Keith Houchen]

That's where the H in Jesus H Christ comes from.

[Carbomb]

You were onto something there, that's Carbomb's real name. 

 

 

 

 

When I was about five I thought that all adults were 12 years old, like that was the maximum anyone could be. I guess because to a kid, time seems to go so slowly.

 

I also thought Europe was a country, nestled somewhere between France and Germany.

[Wretch]

Another one here who thought it was black and white in the olden days. I can still remember my parents laughing at me when I told them this when I was about 11. I was a spazzy kid to be fair.

 

Mate of mine believed until the age of 15 or 16 that women pissed and gave birth via the arsehole. When he revealed this to myself and another friend, after us taking the piss a bit, he claimed he was joking then ended up running home out of embarrassment.

[Devon Malcolm]

Another one here who thought it was black and white in the olden days. I can still remember my parents laughing at me when I told them this when I was about 11.

Yep, me too. You know the bit in The Wizard Of Oz where it turns to colour? That's when I thought the world changed too.

 

The penny dropped when I watched the Laurel and Hardy film Saps At Sea and they used red paint instead of ketchup.

 

"Wait a minute...."

[Tommy!]

Up until the age of about 17, I have no idea how I THOUGHT vaginas functioned but it took some retraining. When I was about 5 I thought everybody had a tackle, then between the ages of 7 and 10 I thought it was just a completely blank empty space, then when I learned the basics about sex stuff, I assumed it was aforementioned empty space but with one phantom hole

 

17, fucking hell.

 

 

I remember a point as a child where everyone seemed fascinated with the opposite genders genitalia, just to know how and why it was different. This would be at about 3 to 6 ish (memories are obviously fuzzy). At that age children don't know better, or didn't in the west midlands anyway, and during conversation trousers dropped and skirts lifted, shortly followed with "but how do you go to the toilet with that".

[Guest]

I mean 17 is the age I started doing sex stuff, which makes me a spotty virgin by this towns standards. I knew the basic idea of what vaginas looked like once the pubes had sprouted obviously, but I was uhhh clit-ignorant

 

I sat next to a kid in maths who was trying to big up his sex life to me in the most bullshit way imaginable. He asked me "have you ever pissed inside a girl? It feels amazing, trust me"