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Devon Malcolm

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From there, it must have been a week before my mother decided to make a full on Sunday dinner, and as everyone sat down at the(newly repaired) table, one by one every single chair collapsed. We all just sat there, on the floor totally shocked. Then my Nanan tried to pull herself up using the tabe and that collapsed. I thought my dad was going to kill me...

I'm glad I'm just in the library and not somewhere I'd have to be quiet.

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When her parents were out of town, a girl from my high school used to hold house parties where the whole year seemed to turn up, along with some unsavoury characters from North West London’s teenage gangs that gate-crashed when word got round the estate there was a party going on.

 

These things often got really out of hand but one I remember in particular would have been in the summer of 2008 after GCSE’s. Along with pissing on the carpets, stealing food and drink from the fridge, copious indoor weed smoking and using the curtains to stub out joints or fags on, one lad had beef with another (over a girlfriend I think) and turned up mob handed with weapons. They chased the guy up the stairs and started leathering him with baseball bats and pulled a knife on him, they let him go but not before warning him they ‘knew people’ and ‘had a shooter’ should he fuck with them again.

 

After these lads had left it dawned on the poor girl how much damage had been done and that she’d have to explain what happened to her parents when they got back, and she subsequently burst into tears. Being the cunts that they were my group of mates wound her up even more by grabbing her dog and spitting on it, which I’m willing to admit was completely unnecessary. 

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Being the cunts that we were my group of mates wound her up even more by grabbing her dog and spitting on it, which I’m willing to admit was completely unnecessary.

Wait, Otto, you and your group of friends did that?

 

You must know fuck you right?! I'm sure you've made a Phoenix type rise from the slums of Cuntery, but that is such a fucked up, arsehole thing to do. I'm just amazed you've volunteered that information.

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I was at a house party once where a group of absolute twats were feeding the dog vodka until it threw up. Having a good time and wrecking your mate's mam's favourite baking dish is all well and good, but fucking around with the pets is unacceptable.

 

The day after that party, though, my friend was having difficulty putting a tape into the VCR, and proceeded to discover about 4 slices of bread stuffed in there, so that made me giggle.

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Being the cunts that we were my group of mates wound her up even more by grabbing her dog and spitting on it, which I’m willing to admit was completely unnecessary.

Wait, Otto, you and your group of friends did that?

 

You must know fuck you right?! I'm sure you've made a Phoenix type rise from the slums of Cuntery, but that is such a fucked up, arsehole thing to do. I'm just amazed you've volunteered that information.

 

 

Nah I was pretty good on knowing right from wrong at that age, can’t say the same for some of the nutters I knew back then though

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That whole story has angered me to be honest. Poor dog must have been shitting itself with all that chaos going on, then gets manhandled and gobbed on. For no reason, not that there could ever be a reason. People are shit, especially compared to dogs.

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I just watched TV and only potted plants in my shed (for shame Harry, for shame)

 

At a mates once he found his moms dildo, big pink thing about 8" to 10". He chased me with it trying to hit me while shouting "mom's fanny juice". This was his mom. Any-who I ran away quick enough to look convincing but slow enough to get a sniff just incase, because his mom was stunning.

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Fuck's sake Bacon I was about to put dinner on.

Sorry bud! What always gets me about that, is Dave didn't have a dog, the nearest field/park was half a mile away so they would have had to carry dog shit for that amount of time.

 

I have no house party stories because I was the pikey in the council flats whilst all my mates lived in mansions in Kew, so their houses got trashed. I have one about a friends house which is cringeworthy and needs backstory so will pop up later when I have time.

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My story's pretty hardcore. My parents and sister went away on holiday two summers running. The first time I had a mate round and we watched WrestleMania 1 to 10 back to back. The second time I watched 24 hours of ECW TV in a row. (The following year at university, my mate came over and we did a year's worth in one weekend, but nearly went mental.)

And it gets wackier. I invented paprika on toast. You spread butter on toast, then spread paprika on it. It's amazing.

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When her parents were out of town, a girl from my high school used to hold house parties where the whole year seemed to turn up, along with some unsavoury characters from North West London’s teenage gangs that gate-crashed when word got round the estate there was a party going on.

 

These things often got really out of hand but one I remember in particular would have been in the summer of 2008 after GCSE’s. Along with pissing on the carpets, stealing food and drink from the fridge, copious indoor weed smoking and using the curtains to stub out joints or fags on, one lad had beef with another (over a girlfriend I think) and turned up mob handed with weapons. They chased the guy up the stairs and started leathering him with baseball bats and pulled a knife on him, they let him go but not before warning him they ‘knew people’ and ‘had a shooter’ should he fuck with them again.

 

After these lads had left it dawned on the poor girl how much damage had been done and that she’d have to explain what happened to her parents when they got back, and she subsequently burst into tears. Being the cunts that we were my group of mates wound her up even more by grabbing her dog and spitting on it, which I’m willing to admit was completely unnecessary. 

 

You sound like an utter cunt

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During my teen years my parents tended to holiday separately and go with their friends so it wasn't often that I had the house to myself (especially with two sisters). I was always fearful of gatecrashers too, after a horror story about someone's house getting trashed by yobbos was in the local paper.

 

There were numerous parties around Danny Heywood's because his Mum was - actually, now that I think about it - she was always away. I don't think I ever saw her on any occasion. These would usually involve beer, a Megadeth and a Red Hot Chili Peppers VHS, and then someone locking themselves in the bathroom and throwing up everywhere.

 

The big party though was the "school's finished" one at Matt D's. His parents were both teachers and so had a nice house on a cul-de-sac.Because he was doing his Saturday shift at Safeway, he gave us the keys so that we could take all the beer there ready. And so like the nobs we were, we trashed his bedroom and threw his mattress out the window (it later ended up in the pond).

 

Matt came home, we drank a lot, he fucked off upstairs with Rae Price (just to talk, obviously), Des found an address book and rang various relatives before ringing a premium rate gay chat line and arguing with the guy on the other end because he didn't believe that he was a lettuce picker from Norfolk. A pair or his sister's knickers got nailed to the front door, a foot stool was filled with cornflakes, milk and beer, and someone wrote "cunt" on the TV screen in toothpaste.

As things were settling down, someone produced a pirate copy of Jurassic Park, and we had a good old post-drunken "deep" conversation about how we'd react if we had an actual T-Rex chasing us. Then someone stuck porn on where one of the guys had a legit 90 degree bend in his nob. The woman only gave him a blowjob though, so we never found out whether having a nob with a corner in the middle would cause problems when trying to shag.

 

Apart from the phone bill, there was no permanent damage, nobody fell out, nobody fucked anyone they shouldn't have, and everyone went home happy.


 

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