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The 2017 Royal Rumble surprise entrant pool


HarmonicGenerator

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Daniel Bryan: the place obviously explodes as it is finally his year to win it! Unfortunately as soon as he steps in the ring he gets a low blow from the Miz who chucks him out without Bryan even taking a bump. The camera men spend the next five minutes capturing members of the audience in tears

 

Ronda Rousey: comes in at number 30 with only Strowman left in the ring. He charges at her, she pulls down the top rope and he trips over it falling out the ring. Ronda and Charlotte headline Mania while Bayley sits in the back crying

 

Steve Blackman: shows up for a few minutes before getting eliminated. Due to his unexpected huge pop, WWE finally make his bounty hunter show and it's awesome

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Darcus Howe, Derek Griffiths and Athelstone from the identity parade on Never Mind The Buzzcocks to form the New Day Nation Of Domination.

Athelstone!!!!!!! Oh my god

Followed by the Pirate who walks to the ring with his sword held high but the nearer he gets, the lower the sword gets....

BOOK THIS AND TAKE MY MONEY.

 

TNA will try and ride the coat tails by booking starey eyes man from the inferior Amstell era.

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Time to recreate a wonderful spot from the epic 2001 Rumble... the hardcore rumble!

 

First to enter will be Steve Blackman who with his lethal weapons will work over Big Cass' knee to bring him down.

 

First to enter will be Perry Saturn carrying a kendo stick to take down the big boy Big Cass, whacking him in the knee to take him down.

 

Cass fights back but Steve  Perry continues with kendo shots to the back and shins (safety first!)

 

Then the oh so familiar caw of the Raven will call out as the great ECW champion comes to the ring with his trolley of plunder as JBL screams 'Who on Earth rehired Raven?' Raven uses a stop sign to the back to knock down Blackman Perry, the Flock implodes, silly 24/7 hardcore mess ensues between these two great hardcore rivals as Cass recuperates in the corner.

 

During this immense brawl our favourite Bob's music will play as Hardcore Holly makes his way down to the ring with a jar of JR's lollypops which he smashes over Ravens closed fist causing much injury and wastage of good sugar glass. A three way brawl ensues with each hardcore icon trying to eliminate the other. 

 

Cass gets out of the corner and grabs Al Snows bowling ball from Ravens plunder trolley and swings it around declaring all to be sawft and goes Kane style crazy eliminating all 3 in thirty seconds.

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OK, let's have a little speculate. First up Tajiri. He can still do a job if need be. MAkes up the numbers nicely and could get a few mentions for 205 live since he was involved in the Cruiserweight Classic over the summer.

 

RVD, as sometimes he'll get roped in for a little run on the way to 'Mania.. Solid enough hand for the Rumble.

 

Duane Gill, as Gillberg comes out after Lesnar and promptly gets destroyed, only for the real Goldberg to come out one entry later.

205 Live's been advertising Tajiri coming back for weeks, so you're not having him I'm afraid!

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Ryback - he's needing cash, & will likely have Foley's "Legend's Marketing" contract.

 

Alex Shane - in a pig mask, which gets torn off & a naughty person simulates oral sex on his face (possible Damien Sandow ... can I have this as a double entry?)

 

Tatanka - still givin' it large out on the circuits, oddly enough, but popular with loads as far as I can tell.

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Gunna have to go with Vanguard 1! Seems to be having a burgeoning wrestling career, so super kicks all around it is then chaps?

 

T-Bone-  Well the winner of the UK Championship will clearly make a shock entrance at the Rumble, so makes sense for one of the guys to be there.

 

Cosmo and Dibbs- Because this is part of their Reunion Tour. 25 years since You and Me ended; Fucking hell I feel old...

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NWO Sting - WWE get more licks in on how they won the war as another 'WCW star from Monday night wars' gets humiliated. WWE not having researched and realised he was never really anything.

 

Ax - as part of the settlement for the lawsuit he gets the number one spot and recreates Rumble '89 with...

 

Smash - they do some clubbing then Big Show comes out and eliminates them. They then go in Hall of Fame

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They've done that spot where a big lad (Strowman) has cleaned house early, and stands there catching his breath for a bit in an empty ring.

 

5-4-3-2-1 BOOOOP!

 

The lights in the arena go off. Hushed excitement in the darkness. When they come back on, Strowman is face to face with...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

maureen-4_3474774b.jpg

 

After years of speculation, the last true remaining star from the glory days has finally come home. Maureen Lipman is here, setting up her induction into the HoF at Wrestlemania. She's in her BT garb, as that's what everyone really wants to see, like when Hogan went back to the red and yellow, although smarks are moaning on Twitter that she's not in her gear from the sitcom where she was an agony aunt. Lipman and Strowman exchange chops, and the big man's selling like he never has before. They slug away like hosses, and the next entrant, Kalisto, is so scared, he hides outside the ring. Eventually, they pull each other over to the floor, like Bret and Lex, and brawl down the aisle to the back. Lipman vs. Strowman at Wrestlemania is the only thing on people's minds.

 

The crowd are still chanting "LIPMAN! LIPMAN! LIPMAN!" every time Roman eliminates someone, so Vince knows he has to do something to turn them back onside before it gets hijacked again.

 

5-4-3-2-1 BOOOOP!

 

 

 

 

p9SQEVu.jpg

 

To some lovely black gospel music and a Titantron of the time he got mugged by Baby Spice, Jules Tavernier from Eastenders marches to the ring, waving to the fans, many who are openly weeping with joy. He steps into the ring, and is straight out again via a Lesnar clothesline, for the comedy Bushwhacker elimination in just under 2 seconds. Sadly, the impact kills him, and the next few entrants have to step around paramedics who are (vainly, I'm afraid to say) performing CPR, and then strapping his corpse to a stretcher. Some poo is coming out of his bottom.

 

As we get into the final act, where there are just five remaining, the crowd are still a bit deflated by the underwhelming booking, and Jules Tavernier off of Eastenders' violent death. Some poo from his bottom is still visible on the ramp. There's just #30 to go. But who? An old face? A new call-up from NXT? We'll soon find out...

 

5-4-3-2-1 BOOOOP!

 

 

 

brian-sewell_224239k.jpg

 

Fuck me, it's Brian Sewell. Death hasn't stopped him. As soon as he's through the curtain, he's pointing at the Wrestlemania sign. He really, really wants it. He doesn't even have theme music. It's just a loop of him, in his calm, plummy voice repeating " SEWELL IS HERE. SEWELL IS HERE." But it's so deafeningly loud, the canvas is shaking, and everyone in the arena is covering their ears. Vince yells at the production truck to turn it off, but there's nothing playing. You can still hear it though, inside your head. Long after the Rumble is finished, you can still hear it. And always will.

 

Anyway, Flyin' Brian Sewell is babyface fire, giving out double noggin-knockers and atomic drops, and leaving everyone laying. Sadly for the Sewellmaniacs, they do the "how can we get Big Show out?" spot, and everyone gangs up on him, heave-hoing him over the top. He just shrugs, like he didn't even care or nuffink, and just fades until he's gone, like when you turn off an old TV.

 

SEWELL IS HERE

 

SEWELL IS HERE

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Number 1 pick. Ray Stantz who you gonna call? Number 30 everyone's third favorite ghostbuster is in the royal rumble he crosses the stream and uses koko b wares finisher yes the Ghostbuster.

 

Number 2. Nailz he's here to stop the Big Boss Man (everyone knows 2017 is his year) and to claim his missing money from Sumerslam 92.

 

Number 3. Brother Love he loves you and he's in the royal rumble.

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I enjoy this thread every year. Les Miz being one of the highlights.

 

For my first pick, I'm going with the same scenario I've picked for the last few years. Bossman is eliminated early, in the greatest shock moment since Undertaker losing the streak. The fans are absolutely deflated and couldn't care less who else is in the ring. Finally, the countdown for entry #30 begins. Who is this poor unfortunate soul about to receive the Rey Mysterio treatment? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the man who clears out the remainder of the competitors in record time, and your winner of the 2017 Royal Rumble:

 

4349885690_099bc58c2b.jpg

 

Big Bubba Rogers!

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