Review a Crap TV Show (free Parker Pen just for enquiring!)

[DeanoTheGame]

There were a few horribly bad BBC One sitcoms around a few years back. Ben Elton's 'The Wright Way' or 'Father Figure' (starring the usually decent Michael Smiley) both spring to mind if anybody wants suggestions.

[westlondonmist]

I plan on reviewing Red Dwarf VII. I really like Red Dwarf but don't like this series. 

[Teedy Kay]

Badults was another fucking dreadful BBC Three programme. It's on Netflix right now.

Mwuhahaha! Love this, two of my mates are part of Pappys that wrote and starred in Badults.

[The King Of Swing]

Surprised no one has mentioned Bread yet. That's pretty hated around these parts right?

[PowerButchi]

Are people actually going to review them or just drop the name of something shite? It''s turning into the review equivalent of "PM sent!"

[Maverick]

What aas the BBC one with old Lyndhurst living with his mother in law? Horrendous.

[Daaaaaad!]

After You've Gone. His mother-in-law was played by Celia Imrie, if memory serves.

 

Is there a deadline for this? I might subject myself to Theakston and Holden in Mad about Alice.

[Alex Wright Mark]

I thought I'd get cracking since I had free time. It's not as epic as Chilli's Coming of Age rant since the show I watched didn't boil my piss that much sadly, but hey.

 

Days Like These was a British remake of the popular American sitcom That 70's Show, a show which launched the careers of Ashton Kutcher, his now wife Mila Kunis, the fantastic Topher Grace, jailbait lover Wilma Vanderama, hot Scientologist Laura Prepon, and that guy who is Military School blokey from Malcolm In The Middle's real life brother.

 

That 70's Show was actually a very funny show. It turned to shit when it's biggest stars Ashton Kutcher and Topher Grace left. It was like John Cena and Roman Reigns leaving the WWE, and all we had was bums to carry the fort were Darren Young, Jack Swagger and Sheamus. Not surprisingly, the show did not last for much longer.

 

In 1999, a cash in remake of the show was made for ITV, which was Days Like These. And it flopped on it's arse like Nia Jax would after missing a splash on her opponents chest and her arse smashing the canvas with the sound of a football being popped.

 

The episode I will be reviewing is Crown Jewels, which is a total remake of the episode of That 70's Show "Streaking". So without further ado, let's get cracking with this review!

 

The show starts with an ident simular to a Nickelodeon one circa the 1990's, where a Orange space hopper bounces around a white background. The shows logo splats on the screen. It looks fucking cheaper than a Romanian hooker on Adultwork for a 15 minute punt.

 

We are then informed via text on the screen that the scene is at Eric Forman's house in Luton. Is Bedfordshire (cheers Sergio) really the UK's answer to Wisconsin? The same state that has Milwaukee, which is Indian for The Great Land. Is Milwaukee just an American Cleethorpes?

 

The gang are similar to the US version with a few name changes. Fez is known as Tjorn or some shit. It's fucking dreadful! Fes stood for Foreign Exchange Student! What does Tjorn stand for? No substance in that name. Hyde is known as Dylan. DYLAN!?! Who was naming their child Dylan in the sixties in the UK!?

 

The gang are circled around Jackie before lifting her up from a chair. This got canned laughter. She freaks out whilst Eric watches on like a gormless oaf with a shit haircut. Jackie asks if Eric brought her a drink. He says he has gotten her orange squash, which angers her as she likes Fanta, Tab and cherryade. The UK had Tab in the 70's? TIL etc.

 

Jackie says she'll have water instead, to which Donna, played by the attractive ginger nurse from Casualty or Holby City or whatever hospital based drama on BBC One, replies there's a hose out of a garden she can drink from. I was half expecting someone to quip with "Oh I have a hose she can drink liquids from!", but it wasn't the case.

 

Kitty (actually called Kitty in this version) busts on in and tells the gang Prince Charles is coming to Luton! Nobody cared except Jackie, who told everyone who'd listen that her Dad was responsible for all of this. Donna just mockingly mouths what Jackie says out of pure jealousy, despite the fact they're top pals on the US version.

 

And then, the most God awful knock off of That 70's Show opening credits roll. They didn't roll out Cheap Trick, so they got the cast to sing the theme instead. And they've done such a butchering job, they make The Cheeky Girls sound like Enya in comparison.

 

After the awful opening credits, Eric, Kitty and Re...Ron are sitting at the dinner table. This version of Red looks older, bolder, fatter and hairer. He kind of looks like an arsehole Primary School headteacher you'd shout "Twat" at months after you've left for secondary school.

 

Ron is angry that Prince Charles is coming to Luton and makes fun of his ears. He argues with Kitty, who has less charm than the American version. Eric sits there gormless. He's on the fence. Ron says something about when he's old enough to vote, he tick the boxes of all the candidates. The man playing Eric is no way the charmastic and entertaining showman that Topher Grace is.

 

We cut to a school assembly, where the gang get ideas to streak when Prince Charles comes to town, except Tjorn who just leaves. A nothing scene.

 

We get to see UK Bob for the first time, who is like US Bob, but less funny. He pitches the idea of dressing up as the Union Jack with Donna, who refuses, and asks Ron to do a speech for Prince Charles. Ron accepts, and has the idea of just cutting a shoot promo on Prince Charles. He's the UK Shane Douglas, just slightly slimmer.

 

The gang are at the dinner table in school. Eric is worried about Streaking because his Dad will nail him on the cross of doubt. They do the bit on That 70's Show where they recreate that Last Supper painting, but with fucking terrible execution.

 

After the commercial break, the lads are dressed in trench coats. If this was That 90's Show, people would have thought they were going to shoot up a school. But instead, they were going to show their cocks and flap them about a bit. Kitty sees the lads in Trenchcoats, and calls them Columbo. The boys then enter the car to The Sweeney theme for whatever reason. Probably because they couldn't get the rights to the Columbo theme.

 

Kitty and Donna have a chinwag. Kitty talks for a full minute about an embarrassing uncle who died. Donna looked confused. I looked confused. And bored. But the conversation inspires her to go through with dressing like the British flag. Okay then.

 

At the community centre, the lads are prepared to streak, before they see rabid security dogs who are ready to chomp on their cocks like Stella Cox in a bukkake. They all leave except Eric, who talks to Donna about embarrassing stuff they did as kids, including Eric being naked and yelling "pee pee bum bum" or whatever.

 

It must be noted that the man playing Kelso is fucking dreadful. He looks like Noel Fielding with Vernon Kay's voice, two people I fucking hate! What a dreadful combination.

 

Ron is on the stage, and instead of dropping a pipebomb like CM Punk, he cracks under the pressure like Kalisto cutting a live promo. Seeing that his Dad is struggling, Eric dons a Queen Elizabeth mask, and takes his trenchcoat off screaming "pee pee bum bum" as his meat is covered by a smiley face. Again, horrible execution compared to the US version. And we did not see anyone even resembling Prince Charles on stage.

 

The end of the show consists of Ron ripping into Eric for wearing socks when he streaked. The closing credits scroll from left to right as Eric and Donna talk about something I don't care to remember as I'm relieved this episode is finally over.

 

This didn't make me angry like I thought it would. Which makes me angry because now I've written a shit wishy washy review!

This episode was just the US version, but with a few tweaks, a lesser budget, shite wooden acting (especially from the actor playing Kelso) and piss poor material.

 

The people who wrote for the UK series were Sam Bain and Jesse Armstrong. If I had just watched this when it originally first aired, and you'd tell me they would write one of the greatest sitcoms of the 21st century (Peep Show), I would take your word for it while looking unsure. Kind of like someone telling me they had completed a game on the hardest difficulty in school before actually showing me he did when we were at his house.

 

This wasn't blood boilingly fucking terrible like Coming of Age, The Upper Hand and the like, just a very meh show. And with that, here's a meh review.

[Sergio Mendacious]

Ooh, that really does sound shite. Luton isn't in Lincolnshire, though, Luton is in Bedfordshire. Bedfordshire is no more like Wisconsin, though.

[Gus Mears]

Thank you Alex Wright Mark, I thoroughly enjoyed reading that

 

I'm about half way through my Will and Grace one and am losing the will to live. I'm not doing screen caps, that's for true. Watching it twice is too much, or once.

[PowerButchi]

A man after my own heart right here:-

 

 I'm not doing screen caps
 

[westlondonmist]

I am a big Red Dwarf fan, I loved it since I was a kid, I found it amazing that despite various series being so different it was still great. Series 1 and 2 are nothing like the others but fantastic still, series 3 and 4 are similar, 5 differs slightly and 6 has it's own format. The show was written and created by 2 men, Rob Grant and Doug Naylor but sadly Rob Grant left after series 6 and Doug Naylor did the show himself, co writing a couple of the episodes with randoms one being Robert Llewellyn, who really should stay as an actor. Just because you fucking star in it does not give you a right to write a shit episode. 

 

I had waited 4 years so they could confirm the ending of series 6 where you don't know if Rimmer is the hero or the old men killed the, Sadly it was the latter, I had hoped it was the former and the explanation was rushed. So the first scene fucked it up. They also have a first episode on a storyline based on what would have happened if JFK was not shot and it was poor. In the 2nd episode they wrote Rimmer out, what the fuck. Writing Rimmer out, the character I and many others find the funniest. To me Lister doesn't really work without Rimmer, the pair are a great double act like Eddie and Richie, they hate each other but spend their entire lives around each other because there is nothing else. They must have realised this since Rimmer was brought back straight away in Series 8.

 

In episode 3 they bring in Kochanski, the beautiful and lovely Christine Kochanski who was polite, fun, clever and also beautiful. However the actress was changed from Clare Grogan to Chloe Annett. I understand the actress changing as Grogan may not have wanted to partake. But the character of Kochanski changed. She was now up her own arse, looked down on people and seemed mean. Lister still lusted after her, but Lister did not just fancy Kochanski he LOVED HER. I don't think the down to earth Lister would have liked that woman. She seemed like a woman Rimmer would love. Also the glaswegian accent had gone, the character was still from Glasgow but sounded like a posh woman from Surrey. Both Grant and Naylor had their own sequel books to Better than life and Naylor had Kochanski in it and she was like this in the book. Guess which one wrote the better book?

 

The writing is shoddy, the show seems more sci-fi rather than 4 idiots running from a monster which often happened in previous series. This series is worse than Back to Earth or X. 

 

I still watch through episodes of Red Dwarf repeatedly but always ignore series 7. 

[Teedy Kay]

My main question with Red Dwarf is when os Dave going to grow a beard and marry Kochanski on Ganymede?