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Local news personnel. Who tells you stuff on your telly?


scratchdj

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Whenever I travel for work, the thing that always seems weird is waking up to unusual local news and weather presenters. People who seem utterly normal and familiar to thousands seem odd and alien to those that are just passing through.

 

So, who's your local team? Any characters? And hotties?

 

Our local BBC regional news in Look East. Here's who we've got and what they're called in our house:

 

Susie Fowler-Watt, evening news anchor (aka Susie Fowler-Where, Susie Fowler-When, Susie Fowler-Who, Curd Bags)

 

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The perennial anchor with two big boobs and a chin. Wears dresses that are too clingy and low cut for when you're eating your tea.

 

 

Stuart White, news anchor (aka, Stuart)

 

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Susie's on-screen husband who seems to have been doing the local news since time began. A regular fixture on our local Children in Need broadcasts.

 

 

Jim Bacon, weather (aka The Greasy Wobbler)

 

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Looks like a Trumpton character. Tells the weather quite well when it's going to be nice, and less well when rain is predicted. Always greasy.

 

 

Louise Priest, morning news anchor (aka Channel Tunnel Nostrils)

 

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A terrifying vision and a disappointment to wake up to. Doesn't own an iron.

 

 

Felicity Simper, morning news anchor (aka Prince Adam Hair)

 

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Frumpy, speaks through her nose. Has based her hair on He-Man.

 

 

Catherine Nash, morning news anchor (aka Nash)

 

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Fine enough, but has an overly-long sign off and annoyingly looks at the clock off-screen after each piece.

 

 

Julie Reinger, weather (aka Skelator)

 

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Anchors her elbows to her sides and spouts weather occasionally. Fights on another planet with Simper (Prince Adam Hair).

 

Who tells you stuff on your telly?

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For years on Meridian it was Fred Dinenage, of How 2 fame. I think it might still be. While I was doing a media course years ago, one of my tutors told me, with some admiration, that Fred operates his own autocue via a pedal underneath his desk. What a guy. 
 
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Notables include:

 

Adam Balkin — Perky, and very annoying.

 

Ruschell Boone — I don't think she's ever reported on anything of any consequence, ever. It's all the Queens equivalent of village fetes and cats in trees.

 

Adele Cabellero — BAM! Always dressed to the nines, looks like she's off to da club. Seems to have trouble pronouncing her own last name, over huevos el omelet.

 

Bobby Cuza — Looks like a human muppet. Always referred to "our Bobby Cuza," for some reason. 

 

Valarie D'Elia — Has the best job ever. Seemingly has no knowledge of anywhere, ever, but gets to jet around having a wild time.

 

Lewis Dodley — 's career spans over three decades, and he seems to feel every moment of it. Just seems knackered all the time.

 

Dan Eaton — Joker. Hosts the stupidest segment imaginable, where he scrambles an egg and sprinkles some feta on top, calls it "Athens festival egg", or something like that.

 

Amanda Faranacci — has lived in every borough in the city except Queens. And she's stuck in Staten Island. There's never any good news for her to report.

 

Budd Mishkin — I think Budd Mishkin is everyone's mate.

 

Pat Kiernan — Kind of a legend. If you see NYC on the news in a film or TV show, it's probably Pat's face you'll see. He's a consummate pro, always threatening to leave to host gameshows.

 

Diane King Hall — Lovely Diane. She's good at her job.

 

Errol Louis — Heavy hitter. Interviews all the major politicians, acts as a go-between in their fights. Has to put up with hosting a show featuring Curtis Sliwa in "hilarious" outfits. I hate Sliwa, makes my blood boil.

 

Dean Meminger — Looks like a news reporter in a low-budget 70s film. His dad was a basketball star in the city. Dean is kind of hilarious, and doesn't look like he sounds.

 

Annika Pergament — Omni-present. I swear, if I turn on the TV, there she is. 

 

Grace Rauh — Never knew that's how her name was spelled. She's another one who gets the "our" prefix. There must be another?

 

Neil Rosen — Smarmy wanker. Always giving movies "4 mouldy apples/4 golden apples". Twat.

 

John Schiumo — Great journo, poor sod has to host The Call, which is crusty old people from Staten Island phone up about "the blacks", and then blurting out abuse.

 

Jamie Stelter — Oh, Jamie. Minor celeb for her failed engagement, move to an SRO, and subsequent blog/book deal. Now married to a CNN tech bigwig. Terrible dresser, to the point where there are blogs about her. 

 

Kristen Shaughnessy — Fascinated with her. She seems dead/hungover half the time. Looks like Sweet Dee in 20 years, if Kristen Olsen actually looked how people describe her on "Sunny..."

 

Stephanie Simon — didn’t get paid for her first job in journalism. Shouldn't get paid for this one. Shit reporter, has all the weirdest, stupidest articles thrown to her. Always seems like she's about to piss herself laughing.

 

Roma Torre — Solid pro. Would be my phone-a-friend, or single phone call from jail. I don't know her, but I know she'd get the job done. I think she's very ill, though, or at least was.

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With my jet-set life style, I've lived in several regions, but I'm going to talk about BBC South, affectionately called 'BOAT NEWS' by me and my Dad, because every single day you would have news about boats at Southampton or Portsmouth or Bournemouth. I must have seen Spinnaker Tower more times than my school in the mid 2000's.  

 

Honestly, when the QE2 got decommissioned it was like being in Russia in 1953 after Stalin died. Just presenters wailing in sadness, segments about this fucking boat every day for a month, retrospectives of all the great QE2 voyages, segments asking members of the public "WHAT DID THE QE2 MEAN TO YOU???". I didn't know jack-shit about the QE2 before Boat News, but now I could relay you with facts like I'd ordered all 100 parts of a Deagostini magazine dedicated to it.

 

Presenters:

 

Sally 'Tugboat' Taylor

 

 

Here she is (by a fucking boat of course, that was genuinely the first image too).

 

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Frankly, I found Sally quite scary. She always had an overly toothy smile which suggested she was going to head to the nearest Wetherspoons to try and pull blokes half her age after the news was done.

 

Tony 'Hello Sailor' Husband

 

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High-calibre twat. Did sport poorly. Probably on BBC News or running for elected office now because he has a nice shiny face and an incredibly forced smile.

 

Georgie 'Nice Poop-Deck' Palmer

 

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Inevitably doing sea conditions here because BOATNEWZ, Georgie did the weather. I don't remember if she was any good, just that she appeared to be the most beautiful woman in the world after 25 minutes of looking at Sarah Taylor's grizzled maw.

 

Jeremy 'Buried at Sea' Stern

 

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Roaming reporter. Unsubstantiated reports say that he was the Zodiac Killer.

 

There was also a bloke with a Donald Trump tan and Andrew Neil's hair who I can't remember the name of. Anyhow, South Today was shit, unless you are the kind of person who gets a rod-on when you drive past the docks. It was doubly crap because I lived in Salisbury which was right on the edge of the catchment zone and thus the news we got had approximately square root of fuck-all to do with us.

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Errol Louis — Heavy hitter. Interviews all the major politicians, acts as a go-between in their fights. Has to put up with hosting a show featuring Curtis Sliwa in "hilarious" outfits. I hate Sliwa, makes my blood boill.

I read that as "Errol Louis - Heavy Hitler" and now I'm picturing an overweight Adolf being all cheesy American and newsy with big white teeth. Can anyone do one of those infamous Paint jobbos of that?

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Stuart White, news anchor (aka, Stuart)

 

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Susie's on-screen husband who seems to have been doing the local news since time began. A regular fixture on our local Children in Need broadcasts.

 

 

I'm a Look Easter too. Over my lifetime I've met probably a dozen people who have had dealings with Stuart White, ranging from "worked with at the Beeb" down to "used to play rugby with his kid when we were under-12s and he drove us to matches sometimes".

 

Every single one of them has said he's a colossal twat of the highest order.

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Well, I live in London and the world revolves around London so therefore the national news presenters are my local people.

 

Word.

 

 

 

 

 

Wind-ups aside, London's broadcasters have the following:

 

Lucrezia Millarini

 

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Nina Hossain:

 

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and some others.

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Jamie Owen

 

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Despite being one of the main anchormen, he suffers from a major handicap of being fucking useless at pronouncing Welsh place names.

 

 

Lucy Owen

 

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Been around for years and even made the jump from ITV Wales to the Beeb. Used to be Lucy Cohen, still lovely,.

 

Behnaz Akhgar

 

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Behnaz does the weather. She's lovely.

 

Derek Brockway

 

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Very camp but a bit of a broadcasting legend in Wales.

 

 

Over on ITV....

 

Andrea Byrne

 

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Jonathan Hill

 

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Ruth Wignall

 

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On the Welsh language news on S4C...

 

Dewi Llwyd

 

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Dewi Llwyd is a total legend, been around for donkeys years and does all the election shows. The Welsh David Dimbleby.

 

Bethan Rhys Roberts

 

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Rhodri Llywelyn

 

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We have the stunning Beccy Barr (nee Meehan) on North West Tonight some nights

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Also Eno Eruotor, nice weather woman and notable for my dad always saying 'Christ she's black' whenever she's on

 

Roger Johnson is a good presenter, one of the best I've seen at doing a serious interview with the mother of a serious crime victim then moving happily onto a segment about Mick Miller's new show without treating the poor woman like a twat

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