The Worst Pay-Per-View Match Ever

[Jazzy G]

I'd vote for the Doomsday Cage match at Uncensored 1996. Look at the stellar -ahem- "talent" involved:-

 

An unmotivated Randy Savage, and Hogan still doing the Hulkamania thing about six years after it's sell-by date.

 

On the side of the *fearsome* Alliance to End Hulkamania - Flair, Arn, Lex, Meng, Barbarian, The Cackmaster, and bloody Z-Gangsta and the Ultimate Solution (who THANKFULLY was renamed from being The Final Solution, which was in incredibly poor taste). Poor old Brian Pillman was wise to schedule a throat operation, I felt my throat needed an operation from the amount this match felt like deep-throating a twenty-seven-and-a-half-inch shitty dick.

 

As Hogan and Savage move from cage to cage, my soul - in complete sync with the Mega Codgers - sinks down a further circle in Dante's depiction of Hell, where, sure enough, at the seventh and final level of Hell, next to Judas sodding Iscariot can only be the human personification of a gaped, prolapsed anus - yep, it's The f**king Booty Man, armed with plastic frying pans, which Hogan and Savage grab and proceed to swing harder than a party at Elton Johns.

 

As if that isn't enough, despite the heel side being populated with nobodies and never-weres, Ric Flair has to do the bloody job, and the whole thing lasted TWENTY-FIVE minutes!!!

 

Forget the Huckster and the Nacho Man. Vince should have just bought the rights to this match and showed it every week to get viewers switching over in their droves. This was a MAIN EVENT. That same month, WWF headlined their supercard with Bret vs Shawn. The midn f**king boggles.

I like the way Arn is wearing his tracky during the sequences higher up in the cage, but while the match migrates to the ring he finds time to get changed into his wrestling gear, and also that the match end with a somewhat inexplicable Luger turn. Somebody somewhere must surely have dubbed the frying pan shots with the noises that the frying pans used to make on the old Reeves & Mortimer shows?

 

I watched at the weekend what is surely the nadir of the original Midnight Express's career which is their street fight at Starrcade '85: The Gathering against The Boogiewoogie man Jimmy Valiant & Miss Atlanta Lively (aka Ron Garvin in drag) The Midnights turn up in their finest dress tuxedos while Jimmy shows up wearing striped tights that even Terry Funk would call excessive and Rugged Ronnie turns up in some mustard yellow pants, a flowery blouse he stole from somebody's gran and high heeled boots, no doubt borrowed from Valiant's wife Big Mama. Any semblance of a technical wrestling, psychology fuelled mat classic goes straight out of the window as all four participants find the first possible opportunity to do a gushing blade job and roll around the ring trying to strip their opponents for close to 20 minutes, which was for some reason what this match had been built around. Poor Bobby & Dennis must have been thinking of the money or at the very least an anecdote for the kids when they agreed to this one. At one point the Midnights try to pants Ronnie, only to realise that his somewhat masculine crotch would have shattered whatever illusions would have remained about ANY femininity "Miss Atlanta Lively" would still have and the match ends with James E Cornette covered in other wrestlers' blood, stripped to his love-heart boxers. When Manny Fernandez & Abdullah The Butcher are having a more dramatic "Mexican Deathmatch" (Sombrero on a pole) than yours at the opposite end of the card you surely know you've taken the wrong booking for the night? Also it introduced the phrase "Transvestite bladejob" to my conversational lexicon when I was recanting my previous evening's viewing to friends in the Progress queue the morning after.

[air_raid]

 a somewhat inexplicable Luger turn

 

That's a contradiction in terms. Inexplicable? IT'S LUGER. I'm just surprised he didn't find a way to turn on Sting. I know The Stinger wasn't even in the match, but Lex has his ways.

[Pinc]

Given the two men involved and the fact that most of their other matches were incredible, I'll go for Shawn Michaels v Triple H Bad Blood 2004

 

It's just boring, it goes on forever, they have no chemistry at all (which is bizarre considering the quality of their other matches), the ending is shite, the Cell is wasted, it's just shite

 

That match is absolutely appalling. Probably not the worst PPV match ever outright, but relative to expectations it's miserable. I would've been 15 when it was broadcast and I remember struggling with some palpable cognitive dissonance as I watched.

 

"It's Michaels and Triple H in the cell - but it's shite - but it's Michaels and Triple H in the Cell - but it's shite."

 

They were weird like that as a pair. Their Last Man Standing match at the Royal Rumble in the same year was an utter chore as well, livened up only by that arld fella in the front row who seemed to think it was real and kept trying to get everyone around him into it, but they had that brilliant unsanctioned match at SummerSlam 2002 and an absolute belter on (I think) the last Raw of 2003. It was always feast or famine when those two faced eachother.

[air_raid]

 

They were weird like that as a pair. Their Last Man Standing match at the Royal Rumble in the same year was an utter chore as well, livened up only by that arld fella in the front row who seemed to think it was real and kept trying to get everyone around him into it, but they had that brilliant unsanctioned match at SummerSlam 2002 and an absolute belter on (I think) the last Raw of 2003. It was always feast or famine when those two faced eachother.

 

QFT. Also lost in the shuffle is a superb storytelling match from the first Taboo Tuesday based on Hunter working Shawn's (legitimately) injured leg.

 

I'm biased against Last Man Standing matches as the vast majority of the 8 counts never fool me and it feels like large portions of the match are one bloke standing there while the other sells the same offence far more than he would in a normal match. I really don't like them, so I found their Rumble match boring as sin and to boot, the inconclusive finish felt like an insult considering that match was booked off the back of another inconclusive finish in the aforementioned (admittedly exciting) Raw match. Fuck finish on free TV to sell your PPV gimmick match? Fine. Booking that match to end a draw felt a little like bollocks. I know a draw is technically not a fuck finish in a Last Man Standing match, but it certainly felt like a "fuck you."

 

The Hell In A Cell they had at Bad Blood was the only PPV main event I've ever stayed up to watch and legitimately fell asleep during. Draw your own conclusions.

[Jazzy G]

It was like Shawn was working in slow motion, and that AGONISINGLY slow roll over for the pinfall at the end was horrific. Have we all forgotten about HHH Vs Kev in the cell? I was pondering it, but couldn't bring myself to watch it back as I have 30 year old NWA World Championship Wrestling broadcasts to watch. Those enhancement talents won't job to themselves, you know.

[CleetusVanDamme]

HHH/Kev shouldn't even be in contention for worst match on that night. Let alone of all the PPVs ever.

[Bukamania]

Adam Bomb jobbing to Earthquake in 30 seconds at Mania X. Adam Bomb deserved better.

[Sergio Mendacious]

 

 a somewhat inexplicable Luger turn

 

That's a contradiction in terms. Inexplicable? IT'S LUGER. I'm just surprised he didn't find a way to turn on Sting. I know The Stinger wasn't even in the match, but Lex has his ways.

 

 

I think half the time later in their careers Lex didn't even want to turn on Sting. It was pure instinct. I bet he still does it — crotches him when The Stinger opens the boot to get the week's shopping out, or puts the seat in recline so Sting can't see and shunts the car in front.

[HarmonicGenerator]

Had a day off today and woke up early, so I've already listened to this show - for an episode that could have been really downbeat, this was loads and loads of fun! The reactions to the log roll, Cheex, Jenna vs Sharmell and Kronik were all hilarious, but especially Liam's reading of Tommy's Patterson/Brisco post, which joins the reading of Butchi's Shane Douglas post as one of my favourite ever SCG moments. Real life laughing, brilliant stuff.

 

Already looking forward to Guilty Pleasures next week!

[garynysmon]

I don't like knocking TNA, but you can't have a list like this without mentioning Sting v Jeff Hardy for the world title when Jeffrey staggered out to the ring off his tits. The match was Sting giving him a Scorpion Death Drop and pinning him awkwardly.

 

That was the main event.

[stevieg1980]

After listening at least I know Mark Madden will go into Room 101!

[tiger_rick]

I don't like knocking TNA, but you can't have a list like this without mentioning Sting v Jeff Hardy for the world title when Jeffrey staggered out to the ring off his tits. The match was Sting giving him a Scorpion Death Drop and pinning him awkwardly.

 

That was the main event.

That match at least as some "WTF?" factor. TNA put on a hundred matches in their first two years more offensive than that. Either downright diabolical action from people who had no right to have boots on or just utter tedium. In fact, that match Foley and Flair had where they cut themselves to ribbons to hide their physical condition and wrestling short comings gives me a feeling of sadness that makes it far worse than Jeff Hardy being a prick.

[JNLister]

The lack of crowd heat in Undertaker-Underfaker is literal. They actually switched off the arena heating for that match because they thought it would add to the atmosphere.

[Liam O'Rourke]

I want to thank everybody for the contributions, we got to read many of them on the show, which is now available at the following link:

http://squaredcirclegazette.podbean.com/mf/play/nj3v3t/SCG_Radio_80_-_The_Worst_PPV_Match_Ever.mp3

Join us as we debate the Worst Pay-Per-View Match Ever! Taking your nominations for the lofty title, the panel runs the gauntlet and discusses some of the absolute worst drivel to ever see the light of day and collect your money in the process, including the Patterson Vs. Brisco Evening Gown Match, a litany of WCW Hulk Hogan bouts, the Bash 91 Scaffold Match, TNA's finer contributions, Triple H Vs. Scott Steiner, Undertaker Vs. Giant Gonzalez, Warrior Vs. Goldust, Lesnar Vs. Goldberg, Cole Vs. Lawler and countless more abominations to boot. A really fun show this week, check it out and let us know what you think!
 

[Liam O'Rourke]

Had a day off today and woke up early, so I've already listened to this show - for an episode that could have been really downbeat, this was loads and loads of fun! The reactions to the log roll, Cheex, Jenna vs Sharmell and Kronik were all hilarious, but especially Liam's reading of Tommy's Patterson/Brisco post, which joins the reading of Butchi's Shane Douglas post as one of my favourite ever SCG moments. Real life laughing, brilliant stuff.

Already looking forward to Guilty Pleasures next week!

Thank you very much. I will just add that I actually cut out about 90 seconds of me trying and failing to read Tommy's post because I was laughin so hard, but cut it out. But fucking hell it slayed me reading that.