The Worst Pay-Per-View Match Ever

[eugenespeed]

 

How about the Fingerpoke of Doom? Hogan vs Nash. All that build for yet another swerve.

 

That was on Nitro.

 

 

Was it? Ah! 

[FLips]

I really liked Steiner vs HHH. Scott Steiner holds so much comedy value that I genuinely don't mind he's like a broken down truck.

[Ambulance Chaser]

Has 4 Doinks vs Bam Bam's team from Survivor Series 93 been mentioned in this thread, good god almighty. Fucking Balloons, Banana's, a Turkey Carcass, this one really sticks out from watching the VHS in my front room and pausing it every time a family member walked through, I'd rather have been caught trying to shuffle one out to Red Shoe Diaries.

 

The Bushwhackers are bad enough, but dressed as Clowns, no chance.

[JustinSeminate]

I'd vote for the Doomsday Cage match at Uncensored 1996. Look at the stellar -ahem- "talent" involved:-

 

An unmotivated Randy Savage, and Hogan still doing the Hulkamania thing about six years after it's sell-by date.

 

On the side of the *fearsome* Alliance to End Hulkamania - Flair, Arn, Lex, Meng, Barbarian, The Cackmaster, and bloody Z-Gangsta and the Ultimate Solution (who THANKFULLY was renamed from being The Final Solution, which was in incredibly poor taste). Poor old Brian Pillman was wise to schedule a throat operation, I felt my throat needed an operation from the amount this match felt like deep-throating a twenty-seven-and-a-half-inch shitty dick.

 

As Hogan and Savage move from cage to cage, my soul - in complete sync with the Mega Codgers - sinks down a further circle in Dante's depiction of Hell, where, sure enough, at the seventh and final level of Hell, next to Judas sodding Iscariot can only be the human personification of a gaped, prolapsed anus - yep, it's The f**king Booty Man, armed with plastic frying pans, which Hogan and Savage grab and proceed to swing harder than a party at Elton Johns.

 

As if that isn't enough, despite the heel side being populated with nobodies and never-weres, Ric Flair has to do the bloody job, and the whole thing lasted TWENTY-FIVE minutes!!!

 

Forget the Huckster and the Nacho Man. Vince should have just bought the rights to this match and showed it every week to get viewers switching over in their droves. This was a MAIN EVENT. That same month, WWF headlined their supercard with Bret vs Shawn. The midn f**king boggles.

[tiger_rick]

That Uncensored 1996 match isn't that bad. Watched it again last year. The majority of it is Hogan, Savage, Anderson and Flair fighting at the top and the large number of shitehawks are barely involved. Plus when the frying pans get involved, it becomes comedy gold.

[Reznor]

How about the Scaffold match with Steve Austin and Terry Taylor vs Bobby Eaton & PN News from Great American Bash 1991? Scaffold matches tend to be tedious with only a few exceptions but this one didn't even have the payoff of someone taking the big bump at the end. The finish is absolutely awful, where Eaton captures the flag from the heel teams end but neither the fans nor the commentators realised the match had ended. The guys just pretty much stopped fighting and climbed down.

 

The worst part thing about that one was that Austin had just arrived, Eaton was absolutely tearing it up as a babyface, and the two of them were in somewhat of a rivalry after Austin took Bobbys TV title. A title rematch was the natural option and it would be an understatement to say that show was absolutely crying out for a good ol’ wrasslin match which those two would have delivered in spades. Instead we got the scaffold nonsense as described above.

 

Everybody loves Beautiful Bobby and with good cause, but it’s mostly for the tag stuff. That short spell post-Midnights and pre Alliance is such an overlooked and underappreciated period in his career imo. He was one of the best in the business in 1991. 

[PowerButchi]

Fuck yeah. His 2 out of 3 title match with Flair on the Clash is brilliant. And it's even with having it's time cut. Imagine how much better it would have been with more.

[Reznor]

Fuck yeah. His 2 out of 3 title match with Flair on the Clash is brilliant. And it's even with having it's time cut. Imagine how much better it would have been with more.

 

Aye, that was one of the examples in my mind as I typed that, along with the other good big show matches that stand out like the ones vs Taylor, Double A and Bad Brad.

 

But I don't just say that because of the high profile PPV/Clash stuff. With the tonnes of TV WCW had, it felt like he was involved in good stuff every week - there was so much of it, it's actually hard to remember. As much as PPVs went to shit after Superbrawl, week to week TV was still fun and Beautiful Bobby was a large part of that.

[darkship]

WWE haven't half booked a lot of massively overlong shite featuring non-wrestlers at Wrestlemania in the last decade or so. As well as Vince/Bret and Cole/King, Vince/Shawn had no business going 18 minutes and Shane/Taker certainly shouldn't have wandered on for 30. Not saying that either of those matches fit into this category but does nobody have a sense of timing about these things?

[air_raid]

Forget the Huckster and the Nacho Man. Vince should have just bought the rights to this match and showed it every week to get viewers switching over in their droves. This was a MAIN EVENT. That same month, WWF headlined their supercard with Bret vs Shawn. The midn f**king boggles.

 

Bret vs Shawn was boring as fuck though. Hitman was my favourite, but that match was total beige.

[Nexus]

Big Show v Undertaker, Punjabi Prison, Great American Bash 2006.

 

A fucking stupid structure, that was designed for the Great Khali, who wasn't able to participate, so they put Big Show in instead, then had a stupid finish where Taker won because 'Show threw him through the outer cage, thereby his feet touching the ground first. 

 

Batista v Great Khali, Punjabi Prison, No Mercy 2007.

 

Ffs. As if one wasn't bad enough, the second one happened. It wasn't as bad, if I remember correctly, as the first, but fucking hell what a pair of matches. 

[digforvictory]

Batista saved the 2nd Punjabi Prison match though by doing a mad jump as I recall.

 

Still pretty shite though aye.

[Tommy!]

There is an interesting question here about what is more offensive, a bad main event or an awful piss break match? Does the fact no one is buying a show for Richards Vs Tomko and it's clearly there to give every on change to queue for a slash give it leeway over something people were meant to care about and fell short.

 

Either way I'm going to subject myself to some of the first ones that sprang to mind when I opened the thread today;

 

First up Patterson Vs Brisco KOTR

 

It's 2000, it's the hardcore belt and it involves these two. It will be a throwaway, run in filled cluster fuck of flimsy aluminum bins and the likes of Crash, Al Snow, Steve Blackman and the MSP surely.

 

First up we get the build to the feud, which is the shits in itself, Brisco declares his love for Patterson before catching something golden and fizzing in the eye from Pat. From there are terminator-esq profiles of both men over clips of slow motion sink faces and splashes through tables.

The chase is on, Patterson is holed up in the women's locker room. Brisco gets the nod from The Fink and drags up to take chase. It kicks of and we get a shot of Patterson's skids, a sight which might just replace the whale in my nightmares. Patterson shouts Brisco "told him he loves him" before Brisco gets some of Pats white stuff in his eyes. Vince spots them and books the match before they mince off.

 

The match is on, Real American hits. It's the high point of the match folks. Q1, why is Brisco wearing lipstick as he strides out with his 2x4. Next hits The Stripper, and out walks Patterson throwing something to the fans from his bust, wearing hightop's and looking a little too much like an ex girlfriend of mine for my tastes. He fills the ring with pillows and cuts a promo which goes fucking on a bit on to set up a low blow start.

We get some playful spanking before Patterson makes peeling a banana look like a job that requires a PHD in particle physics. He doesn't even get the thing peeled in the end as he rubs in on Brisco. Q2, what was the plan there, was it supposed to mush up and it wasn't ripe? Was he supposed to shove it in his mouth as a phallic symbol and he just fucked up? Who knows, but Brisco seems very worn out for saying he's had his lips rubbed with a banana. Brisco takes Pat's lipstick to the eye and some punches before out comes the sanitary towel. It's also rubbed on Brisco's lips, although not the lips it's designed for granted. More shots of Pats arse before a lowblow. Stiletto to the head and the slowest bump on earth by Pat. The crowd turn, boo's roll through the fans. So far not a run in and nothing even mildly amusing for the intended comedy filler. Patterson goes to put on Brisco's wig for reasons unknown.

Irish whip and an arse bump, followed by the most sexually aggressive and disturbing looking crotch chops. This leads to the slowest and weakest looking bronco buster on earth. Honestly, I'm sure I remember Mae doing this to EazyE on that Bad Blood show and giving it more gusto. They fumble around taking each others dresses of like a geriatric sex offenders. Pat has his bra pulled over his face and the crowd pops, thankfully not for the spot. It's crash holly with one of those flimsy bins we were hoping for at the start. Finally some run in cluster fuck nonsense?

Crash strips Brisco, for reasons unknown, and Pats dress has given up and just sort of fallen off. One bin shot and the pin for the Crash win.

"Thank goodness" declares JR, feelings we all agree with. But it's not over yet, Brisco takes down Pat in the aisle for another close up shot of his fat arse bobbing up and down, with an added lingering shot of his bulging nutsack for good measure. And it's over.

 

The promo starts at 1:29:45

The Entrance starts at 1:31;40

The Match is underway at 1:35:27

Crash gets the pin at 1:38:18.

 

The match goes 2 Minutes and 51 seconds if my maths is up to scratch. It seems unfair to call it a match, it's a incredibly shit skit at best really isn't it. But then it just serves no purpose. There is nothing worse than seeing this, it didn't entertain, it didn't make anyone look good in any way at all. A good filler match should calm the fans down between matches and stop burn out. This just seemed to kill them a bit. It also seems to be based on the though that a man in a dress will have them rolling in the aisles and pissing them selves in their seats without anything further to make it funny.

It's the longest 2 minutes and 52 seconds of my fucking life I'll tell you.

 

 

Fun KOTR 2000 titbit #1 at the end of Chrispin Wah Vs Rikishsi we get the classic commentary line "There's 7 guys in there and they still can't pull him off"

Fun KOTR 2000 titbit #2 Bubba slams Tori and proceeds to bend over her crotch waggling his tongue at her muff before the normal headbutt spot which also see's D-von spend a good while with his face buried in her crotch. Is there a rib or story to that?

 

Richards Vs Tomko and the Extreme elimination chamber also get it, and will get a watch tomorrow to refresh how dire they were.

 

The main gripe with the ECC, they all have a weapon and if memory serves me right the guy who has to break through the chains to get out has a table. Who the fuck thought of that? This unforgiving steal which crumbles when hit with an MDF table. It makes any shot into those chains after that look weak. In what world are burglars taking an chipboard table on the job in case they have any tricky security fences to break through? What makes that worse, it BOBBY FUCKING LASHLEY who looks as menacing as a baby with wind.

That and the Barbwire bat gets slung into the chains straight off and lost to the history books to really build a disappointment.

[DraxSpago]

Given the two men involved and the fact that most of their other matches were incredible, I'll go for Shawn Michaels v Triple H Bad Blood 2004

 

It's just boring, it goes on forever, they have no chemistry at all (which is bizarre considering the quality of their other matches), the ending is shite, the Cell is wasted, it's just shite

[kidkris]

My pick for the worst Ppv match was Austin vs bishoff from no way out.

 

I didn't expect a 5 star match by any means but after Eric's reign of terror, young Kris couldn't wait too see him get the snot kicked out of him.

Que Austin que a really boring throwaway match and I believe it was co main event