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Beard Woes..

John Matrix

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I can't really grow a beard. I've got spots where hair just does not grow. So I imagine I'd look a bit odd with a full beard. I've got a horrendous lack of facial hair growth for somebody at 36.


Every time I shave, wet shave with a razor, it looks like somebody has slashed my throat. Blood fucking everywhere.

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First off, this has got fuck all to do with the current beard trend right... this is about flat out laziness and nothing more.


I never find time to shave anymore.  It's become a real luxury since the boys were born, and so now I find myself looking like this most of the time.




To be clear, i'm under no disillusions as to how fucking horrid that looks right, but here's the thing...it hits a brick wall at this stage.

Whether I go three or four weeks (fairly standard) or two months, what you're looking at remains pretty constant, meanwhile I get the full Fu Manchu thing going on in the corners of my mouth, giving me no option but to eventually find some time to shave it all off.


So my options appear to be:


1) carry on as I am looking like shit 90% of the time which is impacting on my confidence at work, in meetings etc

2) Find the time to keep on top of it - i list this, but it really isn't an option - there's far more important things i'm not finding time to do.

3) Persevere, carry out minimum maintenance and hope it blossoms into a lovely proper beard.


Now three is probably my preferred option, but having never had (read, been able to grow) a proper beard, i havent the foggiest when it comes to maintenance.  If I could keep it trimmed and avoid those overgrown bits, i'd be a bit more comfortable wearing it, but alas, I always bottle it, and go clean shaven again - but I dont see how a trim will be any quicker than a full shave, and i cant forsee me suddenly finding the extra machismo required to grow it sufficiently thickly that I don't look like an absolute tramp.


So good people and accomplished facial hair wearers of the UKFF, i ask you, what, if anything, can I do to look less of a twat?



You're too evolved to grow a beard. The more we evolved from our ape ancestors, the less hair we got. So be thankful you're not a hairy ape-like specimen of a man, because it means you're more evolved and likely have a larger brain. Men with big "epic" beards and hairy backs are likely the strain of humans that cross-bred with the last of the neanderthals in Spain around 50k years ago. They're that bit simpler.

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