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A Royal Rumble (PPV) match a day


HarmonicGenerator

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Alright 1993, let's be having you. Bret Hart vs. Razor Ramon appeals.

 

 

The match:

 

They've never found another ring announcer with quite as good as voice as The Fink, have they? Rrrrrazorrr Rrrramon!

 

I must say, not watching this era at the time, I knew Razor retrospectively, and I knew him in large part due to his great matches around the Intercontinental Title. I didn't realise for a little while that he'd also been a contender for the WWE Title, so this is cool. I totally buy Razor vs. Bret as a proper main event, because you only have to see either of them once to know how much they carry themselves as stars.

 

Stu Hart's in the audience. He's clearly been training in a cave with the Gorgons, because he's staring the camera down as if he's trying to turn the audience on the other end to stone.

 

That title belt looks good around the waist of Bret Hart.

 

Brilliant! Bret gives his sunglasses to a nonplussed kid in the front row, so Ramon chucks his toothpick at the same kid. Brilliant! Bret goes after him immediately, but Razor very quickly gets the advantage. Beautiful punches.

 

Commentary points out that it took Bret 8+ years of begin in the WWF to become Champion, and Razor's only been there 8 months at this point.

 

Figure Four! There's been a lot of Figure Four-ing in these Royal Rumble matches so far. Not in Slaughter-Warrior, obviously. Bret's really working on the legs of Ramon here. Makes sense.

 

A tangent:

Just for interest's sake, taking Bret's 8 years from debut to Champion, let's have a look at some of the current roster for comparison:

Cesaro's been on the main roster nearly four years now. Not Champion yet. Ditto Damien Sandow. Ditto Ryback, bloody hell, he's been around an age. FOUR YEARS!

Heath Slater's at the 5 1/2 year mark, he's not won anything other than the tag belts, and even that might have been when they had two sets of them. Wade Barrett's the same but at least he's had 20,000 Intercontinental reigns in between injuries.

Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger are both coming up for 7 1/2 years. Yeah, they had the secondary title but that doesn't count. SEVEN AND A HALF YEARS. One more year and if they're not Champion by then, give up, it's never happening.

On the 22nd of this month, Kofi Kingston will hit the EIGHT YEAR POINT in WWE. It took Bret Hart eight years to win the title, are you listening Kofi? Last chance! EIGHT YEARS OF KOFI.

2016 will mark NINE YEARS of Cody Rhodes in WWE. NINE YEARS. No WWE Title reign. NINE YEARS. Nearly a decade!

 

Mark Henry's been around a while too, but he's an exception because my wig is currently unsplit and I'd like it to stay that way.

 

And back to the match:

 

This has been very physical so far, lots of punches and knees, and Bret just slid gut first into the ring post. Razor smells blood and hits two rib breakers on the outside before running into the post while holding Bret. Back in the ring, he drops a series of elbow and takes his sweet time with them, because he can. The crowd boo him, but kind of quietly.

 

Bret's head gets thrown into the turnbuckle, which looks vicious, and then oof! Fallaway Slam. The 'winner of the Royal Rumble will face the winner of this match at WrestleMania' stipulation is firmly established this year. So many ways they could have gone… what if, what if, what if...

 

Abdominal Stretch applied, this could be dangerous for Bret. I don't think anyone's buying it as a finish but it certainly makes Bret vulnerable. But he reverses it! Ah! Into a hip toss, but Bret's back in it! For a moment, before Ramon knocks him back down.

 

Cross Body by Bret! Razor kicks out, but Bret's still going! Sunset Flip! Razor kicks out. The crowd comes alive every time he comes back into it.

 

Chinlock City, followed by a bearhug, and that's more damage done to the Hitman. Bret fights out of it, and back drops Razor over the top rope!

 

'If that were a Rumble, he'd have been eliminated' count: 5

 

(Although saying that, while the Fake Razor was in a Rumble, Scott Hall never got to do one. Possibly the most notable WWE wrestler never to have been in a Rumble? It's him or D-Von!)

 

TOPE! Bret flying through the ropes! Fantastic dive! Bret's on top now, punching Razor all over the shop. Inverted atomic drop, clothesline, kick out by Razor, backbreaker, Bret's going up to the second rope, clothesline, kick out by Razor! Bulldog, kick out… it's going to take the Sharpshooter… but Razor's still got enough life to backstroke to the ropes ASAP. Bret's going to try again and for some reason Hebner falls into them both, which allows Razor to resume control.

 

He sets Bret up on the top rope, but Bret backflips over him and hits a back suplex, goes up to the ropes, and a big Ramon boot meets his face. Razor's Edge is signalled for… reversed! Backslide! Kick out! Some good near falls in this match. And there was another one just there by Bret, lovely work, rolls Razor around, legs are in Sharpshooter position, Bret stands up, Razor submits! Bret retains the title! Lovely wrestling!

 

 

My thoughts:

 

It's Bret Hart and Razor Ramon, it was always going to be good. It was indeed good. I couldn't call it unforgettable or a classic or anything, but it was definitely good stuff. 

 

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Fun fact, Shawn Michaels also won the WWF title for the first time approaching the approximate 8 year mark of his run in the WWF, if you discount the one day Marty and he managed in 1987.

 

Their parallels were remarkable from long-term tag wrestler through to Intercontinental champ to eventually being recognized as "he's the best, give him the big one." Although it's worth remembering that these lengthy tenures before getting to the top were the exception, not the rule. Randy Savage and Ultimate Warrior were both thought good enough to be put into the spot within 3 years on the roster, Ric Flair and the Undertaker much shorter timeframes, and even in the middle of the Bret/Shawn era, Diesel had barely been on TV a year when Vince started planning to put the title on him.

 

I could argue that if you can prove yourself good enough, marketable enough or "ready" in a short amount of time, you'll get your chance. Plus, with title reigns not being as long (most of the time) in the modern era and so many more genuine "superstar vs superstar" and title matches on tv in general, a guy with the qualities at the level of a Bret Hart or Shawn Michaels realistically should not have to endure an eight year wait to get a run with the belt (the REAL belt) in 21st Century WWE. If a Kofi Kingston or Cody Rhodes had enough about them to get into the World title picture, they'd had done so by now.

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I've always had a bit of a fascination with the 'big lumps' period of Undertaker's career, where he was constantly put against the likes of King Kong Bundy or Mabel, until Mankind showed up. I don't know why. So when it comes to 1994, my instincts tell me to go with Undertaker vs. Yokozuna in the Casket Match for the WWE Title.

 

I remember nothing of this match, but I remember the post-match angle really well. This could be a good thing, or a bad thing...

 

 

The match:

 

Yokozuna's music is very peaceful. I feel calm.

 

GONG! GONG! WILL YOU LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT CASKET! It's fucking MASSIVE!

 

And it's reminded me of that incredible Paint image that was done on here of Yoko being frightened to death by a spider or something. One of Ian's, I think. Did that thread make it to Gold?

 

Paul Bearer's facial expressions are the best in the business. Mind, Yoko is showing fear here. You don't associate that with Yokozuna, or at least I don't, but he's virtually shitting himself at the thought of facing Undertaker here.

 

Vince just said something about a 600-pound mountain of jellyfish. I genuinely don't understand what he's on about here.

 

Yoko had a much better previous year than Taker did, at least, so he should be feeling confident. Rumble winner, two-time Champion… mind, it is the Undertaker who's facing him down right now.

 

Clothesline! Clothesline! Undertaker's using speed here! Flying clothesline FUCK! He took Yoko down! Biggest bump ever! He's still going for it, Yoko through the second rope! He just slammed Taker's head into the steps - NO EFFECT! I take it back, now Yokozuna looks scared. He waddles off back into the ring, and I truly mean waddled, because I can't in all honesty describe that as a walk, HIS LEGS ARE SO HUGE.

 

Old School! Well, it was still in primary at this point. Only takes Yoko down to one knee, he ducks a second flying clothesline, back on the outside, chairshot to the back, and there's the first chair to the head of this project...

 

Unprotected headshot count: 2

 

(I think I missed a second one while I was writing that)

 

Salt! Which shoulder are you meant to throw it over if you spill salt? That's what Jim Cornette should be doing every time Yokozuna or Mr Fuji use the salt. For luck. He's probably going to lose because he's not done that.

 

Chair to Undertaker's back, I like Fuji's nice white outfit, it looks comfy. His feet must be cold though. Earl Hebner's very kindly tidying up after them when they use weapons.

 

Back in the ring, Taker taken down with a clothesline. "USA" chant, which I feel I've heard rather a lot of in this project so far. The casket's being opened, Taker's been flopped in, but he's only half in. They try and close it anyway but it doesn't work, clearly. It woke Taker up though, and he hits a load of strikes before Yoko gets a belly to belly in. But Taker sits up and… could we … is it… well… okay, technically that was a chokeslam...

 

Royal Rumble chokeslam count: 1

 

 

I mean, I'm not expecting Yokozuna to leap six feet in the air, but do his feet even leave the ground here? That's Hogan-at-Judgment-Day-2002 levels of low-down-chokeslamming. Let's compare:

 

 

I can't decide, actually. Shame I can't add a poll to this post, but if you're reading: who took it worse, Yokozuna or Hulk Hogan? I'm tempted to say Hulk, because he wasn't that old in 2002, and Yokozuna does weigh rather a lot in 1994.

 

Ooh, Youtube's just given me 'The 100 Best Chokeslams Of All Time'.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vkofTembgHs

 

IT'S BEAUTIFUL. I'm not even watching Undertaker vs. Yokozuna anymore, I'm watching an eight minute long compilation of chokeslams. FAVOURITE. MOVE. EVER. How can you not love a good chokeslam? I fucking LOVE them! So much so, I'd actually take issue with several of the chokeslams in that video being considered among the top 100. At least they put in the Undertaker-Spike Dudley one from 2002 over the top rope to the floor that nearly killed Spike (legitimately, according to that column he used to write for WWE.com of which I may have been the only reader).

 

Sorry, yes, I was watching Undertaker and Yokozuna, wasn't I? Erm, yeah, big DDT, both men down, Undertaker sits up through Urn Power, new champion? He just signalled for the Tombstone. Did we ever find out the secret behind the power of the urn before Kama melted it down in '95?

 

Yoko's been rolled in. Lovely red lining on that casket, on a dark gloomy day like today is in the north east, that looks quite pleasant actually. Cosy.

 

Oh, no, hang on, Crush just stopped Undertaker from winning the match! Now this isn't fair, Yoko didn't have to close the casket when Undertaker was in it, he had people do it for him, why's Paul Bearer not doing it? Crush out through the second rope, and it's the Great Kabuki… who, to be honest, in his half-price Matalan purple trousers doesn't look all that great… and Tenryu as well, double clothesline for them. Bam Bam Bigelow! Camera cuts to Yokozuna inside the casket, who looks like he's having a little nap. Fuji's too busy laughing his arse off with Cornette to help Yoko out. The four blokes are trying to shove Undertaker in the casket… YES PAUL BEARER YES! URN SHOT TO FUJI, ONE FOR CORNETTE! Kabuki's in the casket! Fight them, Undertaker! THE POWER OF THE URN!

 

Hang on again, what's Bam Bam holding? Salt bucket! Salt flying everywhere! Left shoulder, right shoulder, WHICH ONE'S THE RIGHT SHOULDER? JEFF JARRETT! Smacked out of mid-air! Adam Bomb! 6-on-1, the bastards, and Taker's still clinging on to that bucket! The Headshrinkers, fuck's sake! He's being smacked in the stomach with the bucket but it's clearly not connecting and he's not noticed because he didn't sell that a bit. BUT HE'S UP AND FIGHTING BACK! 

 

AH FUCK IT'S DIESEL AS WELL. Mullety, mullety Diesel. Who doesn't end up needing to do anything because they got Taker in the casket NO THEY DIDN'T HE'S BACK OUT AGAIN! Now Diesel gets involved, classic Nash there, picking his spots. Yoko just Urned Bearer in the face, and Taker gets the same. He just opened it! WEIRD GREEN SMOKE! IT'S LIKE JUMANJI! THE URN IS JUMANJI! I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON! URN FUMES EVERYWHERE! JARRETT'S GETTING A FACEFUL!

 

I've used far too many exclamation marks in this review, for which I apologise, but not enough to go back and change any of them.

 

Top rope Samoan splash, and another - I'm totally watching Umaga's match for 2007 - and Taker's pretty damn done for now. Yoko and the Headshrinkers just did a little hand signal thing, Jarrett stands on top of the casket while the rest of them close the lid, and Yokozuna retains the WWE Championship, which I'd forgotten this was about because they didn't bring it up once the entire match.

 

They're rolling the casket down the aisle now… but here it comes… GONG! JUMANJI SMOKE! GONG! DARKNESS! EVERYBODY'S SHITTING THEMSELVES NOW! GONG! CASKET-CAM! CASKET-CAM! CASKET-CAM! UNDERTAKER'S ASLEEP, HE'S ASLEEP, HEEEEEEEEEEEEE'S AWAAAAAAAAKE! THAT GONG IS HIS ALARM CLOCK! THE SPIRIT OF THE UNDERTAKER LIVES WITHIN THE SOULS OF ALL MANKIND, THE ETERNAL FLAME OF LIFE THAT CANNOT BE EXTINGUISHED, THE ORIGIN OF WHICH CANNOT BE EXPLAINED, THE ANSWER LIES IN THE EVERLASTING SPIRIT, SOON ALL MANKIND WILL WITNESS THE REBIRTH OF THE UNDERTAKER…………. GONG! EYE THING! I WILL NOT REST! IN PEACE! THUNDER! ZAPPY ELECTRIC NOISES! THAT CASKET HAS AN X-RAY MACHINE IN IT! EXPLOSION! SILHOUETTE EFFECT! WHAAAAAAT! HE'S FLOATING UP FROM ABOVE THE SCREEN! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS! ARMS OUT! HE'S ASCENDING! HE'S ASCENDING! "THE UNDERTAKER IS LEVITATING!" PAUL BEARER HAS THE URN BACK!  THE POWER OF THE URN! GO ON PAUL, OPEN THE CASKET, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, I BET IT'S EMPTY! He… he's not going to open it.

 

And after all that, we cut to the Royal Rumble promos with Randy Savage, Jeff Jarrett, Tatanka, Diesel, Doink the Clown, Shawn Michaels, and Lex Luger. I love these Rumble promos (I know they brought them back a couple of years ago, without the awesome cheesy music) and wish they'd bring them back as well for nostalgia's sake, but that wasn't half an abrupt shift in tone from whatever the hell just happened with Undertaker...

 

 

My thoughts:

 

That post-match… that might be the most ridiculous, over-the-top, insane crazy mental thing they've ever done, but so help me, it's so ridiculous I absolutely loved it! Utterly batshit lunacy. Not often has the supernatural Undertaker stuff been able to top that. I don't know if 'top' is the right word, though, because that was real Marmite stuff, and I can imagine it turned as many people off as it kept watching. Mad.

 

Match itself was quite good as well - better than the little I remember, and better than I expected too. Good, short, brawling-oriented stuff, and the multi-man beatdown was a good way to put Undertaker down definitively.

 

And in case you were wondering, that thread did make it to Gold, and here's Ian's Yokozuna masterpiece for your consideration and appreciation:

 

yoko.jpg

 

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I love that thread. Think only one from 2015 made it to gold didn't it?

 

Not as bad as the Giant Gonzales match but close. The screwy finish seemed a bit much too. Lots of bodies, little action.

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You'd have thought more would have been made of all of those bodies when Taker came back. I know he went into feuding with the Million Dollar Corporation and had a rematch with Yokozuna but there were 8 or 9 guys there, that could have occupied him for a year if they'd wanted. Or maybe they did and I forgot.

 

 

Anyway, 1995 time. Going with a tag team match for a bit of a change, 1-2-3 Kid & Bob 'Sparkplug' Holly vs. Tatanka & Bam Bam Bigelow.

 

 

The match:

 

We're into the Vince & Lawler era on commentary now. I've skipped right to the match and I still can't escape the Pamela Anderson stuff. They were really chuffed to have her on board, weren't they?

 

Bam Bam and Tatanka are coming out to Ted DiBiase's music. They appear to be part of the aforementioned Million Dollar Corporation.

 

This isn't for the Tag Team titles… ah, it's part of a tournament. This could go either way. I did look up the results when I decided to watch this, but I've already forgotten. 

 

Kid and Holly have already beaten the Heavenly Bodies and Well Dunn. Is this the final?

 

Looking at Holly's hair, the cut and bleach was a sensible move. Actually, Bam Bam might be the only one in this match who doesn't have a mullet. He's also the only one who went on to main event WrestleMania two months later. Coincidence?

 

I've just realised I haven't actually written anything about the match yet. Holly and Tatanka did some stuff, then Bigelow tagged in, and it got interesting. He got drop-toehold-ed by Holly, but double clotheslined both opponents, and then chucked Kid most of the way across the ring. He's also appearing in the Rumble later on, according to Lawler.

 

Bigelow vs. Kid now, and this is the combination of people here I'm most interested in seeing WOW! WOW! WOW! As if proving me right, Bam Bam just threw Kid about thirty feet up in the air, Kid came down AND HIT A HEADSCISSORS ON BAM BAM, WOW! Bam Bam just came back with an enziguiri that was nearly as impressive. 

 

That was a fantastic few seconds. The slow motion replay makes it look even cooler. "He threw Kid so high in the air he needed a stewardess with him", says King. Tatanka's back in now. Fuck's sake, Vince, I don't want 'slow and methodical wearing down', thank you, I want Bam Bam! Ah good, here he is again. 

 

Okay, I can't find a link to that spot on YouTube, but hunt it out on the Network, it's at around the 1 hour 35 mark on the 1995 Rumble.

 

Bigelow just hit a BIG suplex but FUCKING HELL! KID JUST THREW HIM OVER THE TOP ROPE!

 

'If that were a Rumble, he'd have been eliminated' count: 6

 

Bam Bam is so agile. You forget when you don't watch him for a while. Kid dispatches Tatanka, who came in to attack him, tagged in Holly, they've both gone up to the top rope, Holly dives off and Bam Bam catches him, Kid and Tatanka do the same, and the heels are carrying them round on their shoulders… reversed into a distinctly un-Hogan-esque noggin knocker!

 

It's Holly and Tatanka again now, which is fine, but how long do I have to wait for Kid and Bigelow again?

 

Speaking of Bam Bam, he just pulled the top rope down and Holly went tumbling over it. Booo. He's beating up Holly on the outside while the ref (is that the same shit ref who missed everything in 1988?) is distracted with Kid.

 

'If that were a Rumble, he'd have been eliminated' count: 7

 

Nasty looking clothesline from Tatanka -Holly's back in the ring, now, sorry, if happened a little while ago but not much has really gone down. Lots of body slams from Tatanka. At least three, anyway. I can see Ted DiBiase laughing away at ringside but the camera can't pick up the sound. Shame.

 

Bam Bam's back in! Holly ducks and Tatanka hits his partner. That's the third time that's happened this match, as well, how did these two get so far in this tournament? I have to think it was all Bam Bam's doing, he is totally carrying this team. He just chucked Holly by the hair down to the mat back-of-the-head first and then throws him over the top rope.

 

'If that were a Rumble, he'd have been eliminated' count: 8

 

Maybe Bam Bam's just practising for the Rumble by chucking Holly over the top rope multiple times. I'd have bought him as a potential Rumble winner. Is this the tournament final? It's not completely clear.

 

Close up on Kid, his hair looks so shit. Holly just tried to tag in Tatanka because he and Kid look so similar. (Actually it's because he's so dazed he can't tell where he is, but come on Bob, you idiot.)

 

Tatanka's in again. Vince is mentioning Holly's 'other' job as a racing driver incessantly on commentary. 

 

Ha! Bam Bam just rested his head on the top turnbuckle and Tatanka threw Holly head first into Bam Bam's head. Nice.

 

You'd have thought Kid would be the pick to get beaten down before the hot tag… but then he'd probably be my pick for the hot tag too. Sorry, some more match has happened but nothing of consequence really, they just cross bodied into each other and are both down.

 

YES! Bigelow and Kid again! Spinning Kid kick! Missile Dropkick! That's it, fuck off Tatanka! Somersault plancha over the top rope!

 

'If that were a Rumble, he'd have been eliminated' count: 9

 

Top rope cross body to Bigelow! Tatanka breaks up the pin. DiBiase distracts the referee (who's doing an awful job, it must be said), Bigelow picks Kid up in a gorilla press and….. launches him over the top rope to the floor! X-Splat.

 

'If that were a Rumble, he'd have been eliminated' count: 10

 

They've gone over the top rope a fuckload in this match. 

 

Bam Bam's going up to the rope rope, but Tatanka's standing around. What the fuck?! That was terrible, Tatanka could clearly, CLEARLY see Bam Bam going for a move… so he runs into the fucking ropes?! That was ridiculous, and not in a good, Undertaker Ascending kind of way. Bam Bam just crumpled to the floor, Kid covers him… and gets the win!

 

This was for the Tag Team Titles! New Champions! And it's entirely, 100% Tatanka's fault. I mean, Kid probably could have beaten him anyway, but fuck's sake, Tatanka. Bigelow's back up on his feet, he's bleeding from the mouth, I hope he's going to go and find Tatanka now and kill him. They're making a big deal about how hilarious it is that he got beaten by the Kid, which is odd considering they're going to put him in a feature match at WrestleMania two months later… ah, wait, there's Lawrence Taylor. They're setting it up! FUCK YES BAM BAM! SHOVE HIM THE FUCK OVER! Good.

 

 

My thoughts:

 

Firstly, Bam Bam shouldn't have been the one to be pinned there. I guess the set-up to the LT match was kind of related to BBB (Triple B?) being pinned by Kid, but it could have achieved the same end by him just being on the losing team, and not actually being a loser. Make him as big a threat as you can if Taylor's going over.

 

Secondly, how shit was Tatanka here? I normally don't mind him but he was so plodding when he was in the ring, and generally sloppy and all over the place, it was not good to watch.

 

Thirdly, it's maybe a little bit surprising how frequently people were going over the top rope here. I don't know whether it's ever been a thing in reality, but you'd think on a show where your feature attraction is a match where 29 guys are going over the top rope, you'd try and maximise the impact of that by not having it happen so often in your other matches. Maybe.

 

Fourthly, how good was Bam Bam? And how good was Kid? So good, in both cases!

 

Finally, why couldn't this have just been Bam Bam Bigelow vs. 1-2-3 Kid the whole match? When they were in there with each other, it was electric, it was magic, it was just plain great to watch! I'd recommend this match just for the first bit where they're the legal men.

 

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Before I fall asleep from 'first day back at work after Christmas' syndrome, best do a 1996 match. Razor Ramon vs. Goldust won't be too long, will it?

 

 

The match:

 

Right, Razor Ramon is the Intercontinental Champion at this point. As the match kicks off, Marlena's sitting in a director's chair with an usher, who may be referred to as The Usher, and Goldust's gyrating around on his hands and knees in the corner. This should be a good match, and it's for the IC title.

 

Razor's ready to go, but Goldust's getting in his head with stalling, doing his finger biting torso rubbing stuff. Every time Razor tries to lock up, Goldust backs away and does some posing. Great tactics, great character, but it doesn't last long as Razor gets hold of his arm and smashes him down by the arm a few times before getting a headlock on. Goldust gets out of it, however, and has a look at Marlena, who I've just realised didn't have a name at this point?

 

Razor looks confused. Crowd's on his side, though. Goldust tries to feel him up in the corner and gets shoved away. He looks frustrated now. Great character work from both guys here.

 

Vince: "what would you do [in this situation]?"

Lawler: "I'd kick him in the face!"

 

Razor's now resorted to slapping Goldust in the face… and his bum gets a slap as well, but he enjoys that, so Razor slaps him in the face again, and he rolls outside and uses Marlena as a human shield. They have a nice exchange of headlocks and head scissors before Razor lands a punch and Goldust nips back outside to use his human shield again. Back in the ring, he's still taking it slow, but once again, Ramon manages a short burst of aggression and clotheslines Goldust right over the top rope!

 

'If that were a Rumble, he'd have been eliminated' count: 11

 

Vince points out that while Razor has dominated the match offensively, he hasn't been able to build any momentum. He loses patience with the human shield tactic and Goldust has picked the perfect moment to strike - a vicious side comes out as he takes control. The Goldust character is really great, and is played so well here.

 

A bulldog gets a two count for Goldust, as does a slingshot back suplex. He allows Marlena to blow some gold dust into Razor's eyes, but Razor fights back… very briefly, as Goldust hits a neckbreaker and then locks in a sleeper hold, which Ramon eventually manages to fight out of, leaving both men down. Goldust looks genuinely asleep in the close ups on him.

 

Chokeslam! That counts as a chokeslam, I'm having it.

 

Royal Rumble chokeslam count: 2

 

Razor hits the fallaway slam, Goldust kicks out, Goldust gets crotched on the turnbuckle, back superplex hit by Razor, but Marlena is doing some phenomenal over-acting distracting the referee… 1-2-3 Kid run in! He just top rope kicked Razor and ran away again! Goldust covers… new Intercontinental Champion, Goldust! Love that music.

 

 

My thoughts:

 

'twas alright. Good showcase for the Goldust character, if nothing else.

 

Next time… I'm doing another Rumble match, I think.

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That spinning kick from Kid was amazing at the time. Looked like it could have taken Razor's head off.

 

You're watching the 97 Rumble? Good luck. If you know the story that runs through it from nearly-start to finish, be warned, it sounds better on paper than it is. Although there's a funny bit where Vince can't tell Marc Mero and Latin Lover apart.

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Let's find out… here we go with the 1997 Royal Rumble.

 

 

The match:

 

So who've we got to start? It's Crush, and Ahmed Johnson. And JR on commentary for the first time! Their brawl has turned into a bit of rolling around on the floor. You don't normally get that in a Rumble until much later on - this is mid-stages-before-the-big-names-come-in stuff.

 

I wonder how well Ahmed might have done were it not for injuries.

 

Oh look! Number 3 is 'Razor Ramon'. Dear me. Fucking chuck him, Ahmed, that's the way. I liked that less than you and Crush pretending you've been grappling for half an hour despite only actually being in there for a minute and a half.

 

What the? Ahmed just eliminated himself to run after Faarooq in the aisle.

 

First point: you could have gone through the second rope or under the bottom one to run after him, and you'd have still been in the Rumble, Ahmed you idiot.

 

Second point: Crush is now going to be by himself in the ring, joining 'the time it was Ahmed and Crush' and 'the time the fake Razor Ramon came out' as the most boring points of the match so far. So, um, all of it so far really.

 

Oh GOOD, Phineas Godwinn is coming out. That'll help. I'm getting a cuppa.

 

I'm back! Just heard glass smashing, and much as I'm not the biggest Stone Cold fan in the world, he's made me interested. I daresay I've missed nothing in the interim.

 

Aaaand Stone Cold's already been downed by Phineas. It's back to Godwinn and Crush, kettle's boiled, back in a minute.

 

Back just in time to see a Stone Cold Stunner! Phineas is out… Crush is gone as well, who did that then?

 

It took me a few moments to even recognise Bart Gunn. And there he goes. I've never really been a huge fan of the 'one guy left in the ring' moments in a Rumble, unless there's either a really good reason to do it, or a really good character to make it interesting. Austin can probably just about make it interesting.

 

Jake 'the Snake' Roberts is next out, and is referred to as a "grizzled veteran at 42 years of age".

 

FOR COMPARISON:

Alberto Del Rio: 38

Brock Lesnar: 38

Dolph Ziggler: 35

John Cena: 38

King Barrett: 35

The Miz: 35

Randy Orton: 35

Sheamus: 37

 

We're going to have a fair few more grizzled veterans in a few years.

 

Anyway...

 

It's the British Bulldog! This Rumble feels like it's actually going somewhere now, oh, Jake's gone too. Bulldog and Austin, I'll have that.

 

Powerslam! Can it just be these two for a while, please? Bulldog and Austin is something I can watch quite happily. But here comes Pierroth to ruin it. He's dominating Bulldog?! Thank you Stone Cold, that's him done for. Or not, because the Sultan's out now as well and Pierroth's still in there. Mil Mascaras out, and Pierroth's still in there, the ring's filling up and, now I think of it, you've got three Hall of Famers currently in the ring. Austin cannot eliminate Pierroth for the life of him.

 

They've basically all stood in the same positions for the entire interval.

 

Remember Ahmed and Crush? That was good stuff.

 

Hunter Hearst Helmsley's got some good music! He's changed things up a little bit, anyway, apart from Austin and Pierroth who must have used glue instead of oil when preparing for the match because they're still stuck together.

 

Sultan out, Austin's become unstuck and we're getting Austin and Triple H, now that's worth watching. And Owen Hart too! He and Austin are going at it, which is not going to turn out well because Bulldog's going to help Owen and vice versa, and I swear I didn't know Owen was going to eliminate Bulldog just there.

 

Davey: "HEH PUT ME OUHT?!?! HEH PUT ME OUHT?!?!" That's how it works, Davey!

 

Pierroth's still in there.

 

Goldust is next out and Austin runs straight for him - this is his Rumble debut, because last year he was in the match I watched last night. Nothing really happens before Cibernetico comes out. Youngest man in the Rumble, 20 years old.

 

Tiger Rick! Paging Tiger Rick! Youngest person to ever be in a Royal Rumble? Who is it?

 

Marc Mero next, while he walks down to the ring, Cibernetico gets eliminated, Pierroth finally gets chucked, Mascaras does a top rope dive and eliminates himself, doesn't appear to understand he can't do that in this match, the refs tell him otherwise, and he wanders off. Oh well.

 

Goldust eliminates Triple H which is probably a bit more meaningful than the luchadors eliminating each other. Speaking of which, Latin Lover just came in and kicked Goldust square in the arsecheek. Goldust gets eliminated shortly afterwards, but not by Lover.

 

Oh! It's Faarooq again next. He must have outrun Ahmed somehow. (he also eliminated Latin Lover). He's brawling with Austin, and Ahmed just came out with a big plank of wood, he smacks Faarooq around and Faarooq's out. Ahmed follows him again, but much more slowly this time. Or, actually, doesn't follow him at all.

 

First point: If Faarooq was an entrant in the Rumble match, Ahmed could have just waited there for him.

 

Second point: Ahmed ran back to the ring. Further to an earlier point, he shouldn't have gone over the top rope before, he could have still won the match!

 

Meanwhile, everyone else has been knocked out and it's just Austin again.

 

Fuck off, it's Savio Vega. He goes fucking straight to getting the better of Stone Cold Steve Austin and I can't stand him, I CAN'T STAND HIM, I refuse to pay attention to this until someone else who's not unspeakably shit is in there.

 

THANK FUCK FOR STONE COLD, Savio's out.

 

Jesse James in, Jesse James out, he's very lucky the Road Dogg gimmick came around when it did, because Jesse James wasn't going to lodge in many people's memories.

 

BRET HART'S MUSIC! Austin's face is a picture. The sheer gulf in star power between the majority of the entrants in this Rumble and Bret Hart is unfathomable. Bret Hart just feels like a star. He's so far above the rest of them just in aura, it's almost unbelievable.

 

Austin and Bret, I am quite happy to watch. Go away, countdown timer, go away. More Bret and Austin please. Sharpshooter applied and Jerry Lawler's in from the commentary table! Okay, I'll take Bret, Austin and Lawler. It's worth sitting through the dull parts of this Rumble - oh, there goes Lawler, straight back onto commentary, brilliant! - for the bits when it's good.

 

I say that, but we've got Kane Diesel in now, and I can only hope he lasts as long as 'Razor Ramon' did. They're making jokes about how he's been working on his upper body development. HAHAHAHAHA BECAUSE IT'S NOT KEVIN NASH HAHAHAHA.

 

Happily he's just standing in the corner and letting Bret and Austin get on with being good.

 

That's Terry Funk! He doesn't have music, but Terry Funk!

 

Right.

 

Problem.

 

Big problem here.

 

If Lawler and Diesel had swapped places here - Diesel in in Lawler's spot, eliminated straight away, Lawler in Diesel's spot, allowed to stay in - think about this.

 

Bret and Austin.

 

Lawler and Funk.

 

Same ring.

 

Same time.

 

BRET AND AUSTIN AND LAWLER AND FUNK.

 

THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED.

 

Urgh. Now I'm annoyed by this match.

 

Rocky Maivia in next, who goes straight into laying the SmackDown on Austin, and then Kanesel. I mean, nobody really cares, but we could end up with Stone Cold and his two greatest opponents here if we can get rid of Funk and the other one.

 

Mankind! Right, so we've got Bret Hart, Terry Funk, Stone Cold, The Rock and Mankind here. And fake Diesel. One of these things doesn't quite fit. Mind, Lawler's just made the same argument but he's got Rocky in the place of Diesel, because… right, did they have to pretend that this Diesel and the Razor Ramon from earlier were the same as the actual Diesel and Razor Ramon? Or that it didn't matter that they were different people because they were the same character? Did they claim this Diesel was a former champion? I'm a bit perplexed.

 

Flash Funk comes in - no relation, though it shocks me they never thought to do a 'Terry Funk, I'm your illegitimate black son Flash' angle, especially as JR says 'no relation', you almost wonder if a little sparkle glinted in Vince's eye - and what is he wearing? Nice piledriver by Bret onto Austin.

 

Vader now! This match certainly knows how to pick up after a lull, it's happened more than once. Austin's at the 35 minute mark.

 

Again, once a new entrant comes in, everything resorts to almost immobile grappling in the corners. That's taken place a load in this match. It's a bit boring, even with the quality of talent in there and Henry Godwinn.

 

Oh NOW we're talking. IT'S THE UNDERTAKER! Looking fearsome as fuck and ready to chuck out loads of these guys that are just taking up space in the ring. Straight after Vader, then Mankind, CHOKESLAM TO AUSTIN!

 

Royal Rumble chokeslam count: 3

 

CHOKESLAM TO VADER!

 

Royal Rumble chokeslam count: 4

 

"Do Bret Hart! Do Bret Hart!" cries Lawler. Yeah!

 

There are six former/future WWE Champions in the ring at the moment. Six!

 

Flash Funk's out. You've got more than a couple of potential winners here, which is a nice thing to see. Rocky almost eliminates Bret! Terry and Austin are chopping each other around for the hell of it! Henry Godwinn's taking up space! Oh, no, I tell a lie, he's taking on Undertaker, so he gets chucked out by the neck. Seeya.

 

And that's Rock gone, Mandible Clawed over the top rope by Mankind - I think this is his first Rumble as well. He and Funk are beating each other up now, Cactus Clothesline but neither man's feet hit the floor, a suplex by Mankind does the trick however and Terry's gone too, only to be followed by Mankind a second later courtesy of Taker, so Mankind and Funk resume beating each other up on the outside.

 

It's now Austin, Bret, Vader, Undertaker and Fake Diesel. Once again, one of those doesn't quite ift.

 

HANG ON!

 

Austin eliminated by Bret!

 

Austin back in the ring? Austin just chucked everyone out! But he got eliminated! The referees didn't see it! Bret Hart is PISSED OFF! And I don't blame him! This is an outrage! The number of referees out there and nobody saw it! He's gone over and shouted at Vince!

 

(side-note: there's a sign held up around this point that says 'Del Rio loves the WWF'. TIME TRAVEL!!!!!!!)

 

Bret's swearing and cursing like a motherfucker. "Talk about unsportsmanlike conduct", says Vince. YEAH BUT BRET'S NOT THE ONE WHO CHUCKED THREE PEOPLE OUT AND STOLE THE DAMN MATCH DESPITE BEING ELIMINATED, IS HE? IS HE?!

 

I know he spared me Savio Vega earlier in the match, but Austin's a damn Rumble thief. BOOOO AUSTIN BOOOO.

 

 

My thoughts:

 

When it's good, it's very good.

 

When it's not, it's really quite dull.

 

There were some very good moments. Quite a few, in fact.

 

But there were a great deal of quite dull moments as well.

 

Overall, it probably balances out, making this not a brilliant Rumble, but not a bad one either.

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Watching a 1998 match at a reasonable hour. The Rock vs. Ken Shamrock - looking forward to this one, I remember watching the 1998 Rumble itself a couple of years ago and their interactions following this match earlier in the night were really good.

 

 

The match:

 

There's no chapter selection on the Network for this one. Why's that?

 

I've found the match, anyway. The Rock's out to Nation music, but with no Nation to accompany him. He gets on the mic beforehand to tell everyone he's the best Intercontinental Champion there ever was. BIG reaction for Ken Shamrock as he comes out. As I said earlier, I'm looking forward to this one.

 

Also, they have the scratch logo in the bottom left corner but the older logo on the turnbuckles and the Intercontinental TItle graphic. Not that this matters, but I thought I'd point it out.

 

They're both wearing black trunks here.

 

They circle each other, going for an early strike, Rock steps back and talks at the crowd. They circle again, Shamrock tries for a kick that would have killed Rock if he hadn't got out of the way, and then they lock up. Rock tries to cheapshot Ken, but this time Ken gets out of the way.

 

JR goes off on a little tangent about High Chief Peter Maivia, and Jerry Lawler asks him how he remembers all that stuff, he doesn't know any of it, but he does know Sable and Sunny's bra size. Attitude's a-coming, Attitude's a-coming.

 

Ken connects with a kick! Rock goes down! That looked like it hurt. And he's propelled over the top rope!

 

'If that were a Rumble, he'd have been eliminated' count: 12

 

Rock took a huge rolling bump when he landed there. He's looking a little concerned. Ken just wants to get out there and kick Rock some more. He doesn't get to just yet, though, because a series of Rock punches and a clothesline into the turnbuckle and some more punches have him reeling, but Shamrock fights back with two clotheslines, he tries for a hurricanrana which Rock counters by pushing Shamrock over his head, slingshotting him on the ropes! Shamrock's down and Rock plans to keep it that way, stomping him down, but he's being distracted by the "Rocky sucks" chants and Shamrock's back up.

 

Rock gets him down again, but then Ken gets back up again, and hits some very nice looking punches and a not quite as nice looking cross body. Fisherman Suplex gets two, but then Rock gets the advantage once more. It's very back and forth, this one - more than I was expecting, actually.

 

We're going outside again. Head into the ring steps (Attitude's a-coming) and then straight back in, just when Rock might have had the control, Shamrock comes back with more punches, but then Rock comes back with a DDT! Aaaaand a reverse chinlock. Once Shamrock gets out for it, Rock goes for that DDT again but Shamrock counters into a suplex. Both men are down and JR sounds like he's just been fed a series of lines to heavily put over the fact both these guys are young and neither of them are old because they're young, young athletes, young, not old, young, young, young, athletes, young.

 

Yeah, so Shamrock came back again and hit a powerslam but only got 2, he did a little scream, Rock tried to fight back and Shamrock hit a hurricanrana, he does a little scream again, but Kama and D'Lo run down to stop him. He dispatches them easily, but D'Lo gets his foot caught in the ropes! Mike Chioda, ever the gentleman, stops paying attention to the match he's being paid money to pay attention to, allowing Rock to grab some brass knuckles! He hits Shamrock with the Power of the Punch, hides the knuckles in Ken's trunks next to his Sham-cock, and that's it...

 

… but it's not! Ken kicks out and JR's going nuts on commentary! "NO! NO! SHAMROCK KICKS OUT! SHAMROCK KICKS OUT!" Rock flew threw the air on that kick out. Chioda, after doing his job momentarily, goes back to help out D'Lo because he's still stuck apparently, and meanwhile, the match continues… Shamrock hits a belly to belly! 1, 2, 3, new Intercontinental Champion, Ken Shamrock!

 

Rock's claiming he was hit with the brass knuckles! Oh, that's clever… Chioda has a feel around the World's Most Dangerous Penis, and rather than come to the conclusion that Shamrock has a nob of steel, he decides to believe Rock and reverse the decision! BOOOO. 

 

Shamrock is NOT happy about his, so he hits Chioda with a belly to belly then locks on the Anklelock. It's no more than he deserves for such shabby officiating. The crowd's still chanting for him, but he's an angry angry man. I wouldn't like to be The Rock right now.

 

 

My thoughts:

 

Decent IC title match, as I said above, very back and forth. I couldn't remember the result so I thought Shamrock had it won and was happy for him… and appalled that Rock got the decision reversed, and eager to see a rematch - so job done as far as hooking me in went!

 

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Fucking bullshit finish.

 

Ref calling something he didn't see. ALWAYS garbage, no matter what type of nonsense he didn't see. Always hated it and always will. Heels cheating is fine, but referees doing so blatantly stupid, I find a real insult to the intelligence, unless you're doing intentionally biased ref. If it were real sport (yeah, I know), Chioda would have been straight in Commissioner Laughter's office Monday morning, asked why he thought he should disqualify someone for an infraction he didn't see (and it turns out, didn't happen), in a sodding title match on PPV no less, and then given his P45. Utter bollocks.

 

Not quite as bad as some other similar finishes in WCW or TNA, but still bollocks. Shame, Rocky and Shamrock had a decent match. They always did, good chemistry.

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If only Bret Hart had known about this the previous year, he could have had the Austin win reversed and the '97 Rumble would have had its rightful winner and not a dirty dirty cheater.

 

 

I'm going for the Attitudiest match possible on 1999's show… X-Pac vs. Gangrel for the European Title!

 

(okay, Rock vs. Mankind probably takes that title, but I'm watching this one anyway)

 

 

The match:

 

I recognise that music…. "HOHHHHH GA HOHHHH NAMEHAAHH" DRUMS DRUMS DRUMS DRUMS DRUMS DRUMS DRUMS WAAAAAAAAAHHH. He's got no rising through the flames, but he's got the sunglasses, he's holding the cheese and onion crisps, it's Gangrel! Flashy red lights, spitting blood at the audience… you know the current roster has no standout appeal, or rather that nostalgia's in full effect, when you're excited for seeing Gangrel.

 

Nah, you know what, I take that back, I always enjoyed seeing Gangrel even at the time. Granted, that was mostly on Heat and Metal, but then again it was usually Heat and Metal I most enjoyed watching. All of the Raw highlights with none of the shit bits.

 

X-PAC! Confession time: X-Pac's version of the D-X music is better than the 'proper' D-X music. I can feel my nostalgia sense going into absolute overdrive here. HE DID THE JUMPING CROTCH CHOP WITH THE FIREWORKS AND IT'S A EUROPEAN TITLE MATCH I LOVE IT, I JUST LOVE IT.

 

Nothing's happened yet and it's already brilliant. Nostalgia nostalgia nostalgia. Gangrel's got purple velour trousers on!

 

Lockup, running the ropes, leapfrog, hip toss by X-Pac, crotch chop! That was a good speedy opening. Headlock by Gangrel, X-Pac tries another hip toss, misses it, flips over, back suplex, leg drop, kick out. Michael Cole was using the "this kid's got a lot of heart" stuff even in 1999. 

 

Kicks in the corner! He misses a turnbuckle charge, Gangrel gets a belly to belly overhead suplex and Michael Cole was using the "comparing the guy to a pitbull" stuff in 1999 as well? He slingshots X-Pac into the top rope for which X-Pac does a ridiculous flip bump but it looked good so I'll accept it. Chinlock time!

 

X-Pac fights out, runs the ropes but Gangrel throws him up in the air to let him land face first. He didn't get half the height Bam Bam Bigelow did in '95. Gangrel goes for a top rope denton, misses it, but he seems more annoyed than hurt. X-Pac kicks him in the face, hits a BEAUTIFUL flip clothesline, gets 2, they runs the ropes again, another spinning kick - they've done a lot of running so far! - and goes for some punches in the corner and…. YES, HE'S GOING FOR IT… BRONCO BUSTER! Nothing an Attitude crowd likes more than a crotch in the face. Another kick, X-Pac goes up top, Gangrel counters,  but gets knocked off, cross body, Gangrel sort of accidentally(?) rolls over a bit too much, Teddy Long counts, it was supposed to have been two but kind of ended up being 3, oops. Slight "you fucked up" chant, but they carry on the match anyway, X-Pac hits the X-Factor for a definite 3, and he's still European Champion!

 

The greatest European Champion ever, according to Michael Cole… there's a topic for discussion.

 

 

The match:

 

Aside from a slightly awry cross body, that was a really good fast-paced undercard match. Easy to watch, easy to get in two, two fun characters, lovely burst of nostalgia. It only went about five minutes, but it didn't feel like it - in a good way! I recommend.

 

 

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If only Bret Hart had known about this the previous year, he could have had the Austin win reversed and the '97 Rumble would have had its rightful winner and not a dirty dirty cheater.

 

He bloody should have known because in the biggest act of injustice EVER, he got a video reply when he lost the WWF title to Owen in a lumber jack match. As you can tell, 21 years later, I'm still not over that one.

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I neglectfully missed a day yesterday. I blame tiger_rick's Rumble stats thread and the mention of ages in the 1997 Rumble for making me want to find out how old every Rumble entrant ever was, then proceeding to actually go and find out. What is my life, when writing a review of a match from the 2000 Royal Rumble PPV is the least nerdy thing I can do on a Friday night.

 

 

I'm spoiled for choice when it comes to 2000. Well, sort of kind of. I love Cactus Jack vs. Triple H, one of both men's best matches. But I've watched that one a lot, so I'm going to go with the other highlight of this one, The Hardy Boyz vs. The Dudley Boyz in a Tag Team Tables match! Haven't done a match with tag teams since '95, so that's as good a reason as any. Also tables and dives and stunts.

 

(I also ended up watching Kurt Angle vs. Tazz while writing the above. Tazz got a HELL of a pop, didn't he! Brock clearly nicked the 'Suplex City' gimmick off Tazz, as well)

 

 

The match:

 

Young Michael Cole has a prematch interview with the Hardys and Terri. This is the first ever tag team tables match! They show some of the build-up, in which the Dudleys power bombed the Hardys through tables on Raw, so the Hardys dove off the SmackDown stage onto the Dudleys through tables on SmackDown. Tonight, I expect they will all put each other through tables. In the interview, Jeff tells Terri she's not coming with them to the ring because it's too dangerous.

 

And here's the Dudleys! Weird to think they're on the roster again now. 16 years ago! Bubba's still doing the stutter, but he's riling up the crowd nonetheless. Both the heels in the matches so far have made references to New York sport teams to get boos before their matches. It works. Teddy Long always looked bigger as a referee than he did as a GM.

 

The Hardys don't get much of an entrance before the Dudleys jump them. Within a minute the Bubba Bomb's been hit on Jeff. JR tells me the rules say you have to put BOTH your opponents through CONSECUTIVE tables OFFENSIVELY to win. 

 

First table's out, Bubba looks to back body drop Jeff through it but Matt pushes the table out of the way at the last possible microsecond, Jeff takes a big bump nonetheless but narrowly avoided a table leg through the throat there. This IS going to be dangerous! Matt DDTs Bubba, who rolls out of the ring, to be met immediately by a lovely somersault plancha by Jeff Hardy!

 

'If that were a Rumble, he'd have been eliminated' count: 13

 

there's stuff going on on the outside and the inside simultaneously now, and the camera's in the perfect place to catch it. Jeff tries to hit Bubba in the head with a chair but he blocks and throws Jeff into the ring steps with a massive CLANG, while in the ring, Matt's trying to suplex D-Von through a table.

 

Normally I write these things as the matches are going on, this one's going at such a pace I've already had to pause it three times to catch up.

 

Chairs are out, goodbye Bubba's brain cells!

 

Unprotected headshot count: 3

 

Bubba's plonked on a table. Jeff does a run-up, he's going to leap onto the barrier and dive off there, nope! Bubba threw the table into his face! Madness.

 

It's now Bubba and Matt inside, Matt face down on a table. Deep tissue massage this ain't. Matt gets up, though, as Bubba's positioning himself on the top rope, Jeff goes to help Matt, looks like a double superplex, D-Von's moving the table out of the way though, superplex hits but no table. D-Von now the only man standing, oh heck, Matt's got a ladder. In a lovely shade of light blue.

 

D-Von gets a ladder! Bubba gets a ladder! D-Von gets a ladder! Bubba gets a ladder! To the face! Knocking him over the top rope!

 

'If that were a Rumble, he'd have been eliminated' count: 14

 

Chair to the back, Bubba's taken some punishment thus far. Matt and Bubba outside, another big chairshot...

 

Unprotected headshot count: 4

 

Meanwhile D-Von and Jeff inside. But not for long as Matt sets up a ladder outside, D-Von climbs up to stop him, and gets knocked off into the face of a ringside fan. Matt gets onto the ladder FUUUUUUUUCKKING HEELLLLLLLL! You think you're getting a Matt leg drop off the ladder through the table on the outside, which you do, but what you don't see is Jeff preparing to dive in with a splash from the top rope! And because you don't see it, your screen just gets Jeff's body flying in from the top left hand corner at speed. Amazing camerawork if intentional, bloody lucky if unintentional, because FUCKING HELL! WOW!

 

If D-Von is tabled, the Hardys win. But first, a chair to his head.

 

Unprotected headshot count: 5

 

The Hardys are setting up something complicated here. Table against barrier, steps next to table, another table balanced between apron and top of steps, D-Von on table 2. Matt goes for a leg drop, D-Von moves, Matt through the table! D-Von gets out of the way, Jeff tries to dive him through table 1 but he gets out of the way of that too! Lucky man! You can't look away from this match for a second.

 

'If that were a Rumble, he'd have been eliminated' count: 16

 

Bubba's back up. Chair to the head of Matt.

 

Unprotected headshot count: 6

 

They've set a table up on two bits of steps inside the ring now. Action-packed doesn't even begin to describe this. Bubba on the turnbuckle, Matt set up for him…. FUUUUUUUUCK POWERBOMB THROUGH THE TABLE FUCK FUCKITY FUCK WOW! "GOOD LORD!" shouts JR, I could ton agree more.

 

D-Von or Jeff, next one through the table means their team loses. 

 

Matt thrown out of the ring (over the top rope, naturally):

 

'If that were a Rumble, he'd have been eliminated' count: 17

 

and they show various replays of the powerbomb, which just looks awesome. The extra height of the table means the bump Matt takes looks extra brutal, plus the fact Bubba lands on his feet which adds to the impact of it all. 

 

They're off into the crowd now!

 

Going to point out, this is the second match on this show. Looking at the chapter selection, the bikini contest was next. Presumably because following this would be impossible.

 

Matt just got another chair to the head.

 

Unprotected headshot count: 7

 

The Hardys are both down as Bubba sets up a multi-table construction barricade in an entranceway. Four so far. The Dudleys lift Matt onto the four table set up, but whatever they plan next is interrupted by Jeff, coming in with a chair to D-Von's head...

 

Unprotected headshot count: 8

 

… swiftly followed by Bubba giving him the same treatment.

 

Unprotected headshot count: 9

 

Bubba's now taking Jeff into the crowd, they're going to the next level up… I know where this is going, but even so, I'm hooked like it was the first time… they're on the balcony. Bubba stands over the prone Matt several feet below and surveys Madison Square Garden. Jeff punches him in the bollocks, hits him in the head with a chair for good measure...

 

Unprotected headshot count: 10

 

… which mustn't hurt anymore because a second later Bubba's able to reposition himself on the next step up so Jeff can hit him again...

 

Unprotected headshot count: 11

 

… and we cut to that wonderful, wonderful camera angle from the balcony as Bubba's body slowly tumbles over the edge and through all the tables! That is an iconic 2000-WWF-tag-team-golden-age moment. Beautifully done! WOW! You could watch that again and again and again.

 

However, Bubba's already gone through a table so this doesn't help them win the match. However however, Matt's holding D-Von down on the one table that didn't break. We cut back to balcony cam for one of the top contenders for THE iconic 2000-WWF-tag-team-golden-age moment… Jeff whips his shirt off, the crowd goes crazy… he does the Hardy hand signal… "DON'T DO IT JEFF, DON'T DO IT! GOOD GOD, GOOD GOD!"

 

FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKIIIIIIING HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLL!

 

SWANTON OFF THE BALCONY THROUGH THE TABLE! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! Incredible. WHAT A MOVE! Hardys win! Fucking hell! "Can you believe this match up??! Can you believe Matt and Jeff Hardy?!" cries JR.

 

Slow motion replays of the Swanton. I've seen that dozens, if not hundreds of times, and it's still awe-inspiring.

 

tumblr_nipg2bQ95n1tjx66ko1_400.gif

 

What a match!

 

 

 

(incidentally, I've left the show on while I type the following bit. Angle's "did I win?" in his backstage segment is very funny, and it's really nice to see how big a reaction Freddie Blassie gets from the crowd when he comes out to judge the Miss Rumble contest)

 

 

My thoughts:

 

As I said above, action-packed doesn't even come close, this was crazy action from start to finish, going at such a fast pace it's hard to keep up with it all. The matches with these teams and E&C really were the pinnacle of stunt wrestling, and of tag teams in the modern era (if you can still call it 'modern'). I could have done without quite so many unprotected chair shots to the head, but that aside, this is a bloody great match.

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Unprotected headshot count: 11

 

 

I'm not sure that the UK Fan Forum is, in 2016, the most appropriate platform to scold addled superstars from the Attitude era. While well written, many of your retrospective reviews resemble the deserved victory lap of a long-suffering campaigner for neurological safety.

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I've been rumbled.

 

 

Time for another Rumble match, I think, and since the 2001 Royal Rumble takes place slap bang in the middle of my most nostalgic time as a fan, mid-2000 to mid-2001, it's a good excuse to see as many faces from that time as possible.

 

 

The match:

 

It begins with Jeff Hardy, who I only saw last night, but in the course of a year he looks even more of a star. I'd love if they were able to work out a way to get him back. Give him a part-time deal, bring him in for the odd Raw and some PPVs. If he came out during this year's Rumble… nice.

 

AH! Nostalgia! Right To Censor's Bull Buchanan is in at 2, with the most intentionally annoying music ever composed. They're right into it straight away, throwing in all sorts of moves right from the off. Bull tries to press slam Jeff over the top rope but can't do it.

 

Here's a point, just from watching Jimmy Korderas watching at ringside. They should have a ref on each side of the ring, right? To spot elimination whenever and wherever it takes place, right? - Matt Hardy was in at 3 and after some Poetry in Motion, the Hardys eliminate Bull and lock up against each other. WrestleMania match, this one! - so WHY DIDN'T THEY HAVE A REF ON THE SIDE AUSTIN WAS ELIMINATED ON BACK IN 97? EH? EH? AUSTIN SCREWED BRET!

 

Jeff hits his sit-out jawbreaker on Matt, and nearly eliminates him, but the count out starts and they stop fighting each other to team up again against Faarooq. Which makes a load of sense. We'll try to eliminate each other, but only when we're the only two in there. Jeff trips over Matt going for Poetry In Motion this time, Faarooq tries to take advantage but ends up eating a Twist of Fate and a Swanton Bomb then gets eliminated. I know they're both currently in TNA, but hell, I still class the Hardys as nostalgia.

 

Jeff gets a MASSIVE pop for taking his top off, Matt gets NOTHING. HA!

 

Matt gets hit with Whisper In The Wind just as the next countdown runs out and Drew Carey walks out. I've got to say, Drew gets catchier entrance music than half the current roster. He seems content to watch from ringside. Jeff misses a dropkick on Matt, who still reacts, oops, oh well.

 

Here's a thought. Drew Carey is a Hall of Famer, I think. Jeff Hardy's a WWE Champion. Does this mean Matt Hardy's the least successful person in the ring right now?

 

Oh! There go the Hardys! Jeff eliminates Matt then seems to fall off the top rope himself. Drew's alone… WITH KANE! Kane is very casually circling the ring. I loved the look he had at this time. And I don't think it's unfair to say this is the best match he's ever had. BOOM! Fire from the turnbuckles.

 

Drew tries to offer Kane money. No joy. He's going for … no! No chokeslam because Raven ran in and smacked Kane with a Kendo stick as Drew scarpers. Probably a bad move on Raven's part because he's getting battered here, up until a scruffy looking sidewalk slam. Raven slides under the bottom rope and gets out a fire extinguisher - and doesn't use it in the regulated safe way - but gets jumped by Al Snow, who's not in the match. Raven doesn't care, and smacks Kane with a sign or something. Then we get a count down and the next entrant turns out to be Al Snow anyway, which is handy because he comes straight in and spends the next minute battering Kane and Raven in the head with everything he can find.

 

Unprotected headshot count: Fucking LOADS at this point, I've lost count, maybe 18?

 

Raven gets a bowling ball in the groin, Kane's getting smacked with a pair of bins by Al and Raven, then they team up to take Kane down with a drop toehold into a bin despite the fact the two of them hate each other. That must have been just to get rid of him for a bit, because they go after each other straight after.

 

SIREN! Nostalgia! Perry Saturn out next, he looks RIPPED, and has incredibly bright green trunks on. He tries to take out Kane's legs, but he powers out. Raven jumps on Kane's back to try and put him to sleep, Kane powers out. He presses Perry over his head, and slams him down. Al tries the thing Raven just tried, doesn't work for him either, Raven tries the thing again, while Perry simultaneously kicks him in the legs and Al hits him several more times in the head with a sign or something. They eventually get him grounded, but unluckily, the next person to join them is STEVE BLACKMAN, the LETHAL WEAPON, and I got so excited by the fact that STEVE BLACKMAN'S THERE AND HE'S GOT A PAIR OF STICKS that I accidentally pressed a button and clicked off this page, and thought I'd lost everything I'd written up to this point, but thankfully there's an auto-save feature on here now! Yay!

 

Anyway, what a wonderful time it was when Steve Blackman is the most 'boring' guy on your roster.

 

So, the ring's cluttered with all sorts of objects, there's that much going on I've truly lost count of how many times people have been smacked in the head with something and not managed to get their hands up, let's estimate an unprotected headshot count of ...

 

 … Well, I was going to go with 20-something but Grandmaster Sexay just came in with a big pop (Nostalgia! That music! "That… was interesting") and added several more to that total, then Raven did a few more, so lets say 30-something. These are some sturdy bin lids, I'll give them that.

 

OOF! Grandmaster just took a bin shot that sent him over the top rope! He's destroying the whole lot of them! Blackman tries to skin the cat and gets a bin lid RIGHT on the top of his head. Snow out, Raven out, Saturn tries to hang on by the hands but he's out as well.

 

"Wait a minute! WHAT THE HELL!" IT'S THE HONKY TONK MAN! Fuck yes! He's getting on the mic! I bet he doesn't look all that different today. Kane does not look amused. Honky decides this is his time and gets them to play his music again so he can sing along, so Kane SMASHES his guitar over his head, thus putting an end to the hardcore section of the match, and the Honky Tonk Man's last run in WWF, unless you count that advert he did for King of the Ring in, I want to say 2002.

 

Unprotected headshot count: let's say 40, just to be safe

 

THE ROCK! THE ROCK! THE ROCK! NOW it's going to get interesting, everyone's standing just for the fact that The Rock is THERE, and there are people in the crowd visibly jumping up and down with joy when he hits a move. He's a SUPERSTAR.

 

Superstar or not, however, he's not doing very well against Kane, who is dominating despite the deafening "Rocky" chants. 

 

SIRENS! SIRENS! BEEEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEP BEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEP BEEEP

 

(It's the Goodfather. But not for long, 'cause he got eliminated pretty much straight away by The Rock. Does Godfather not like being in Rumbles very much then? He never seems to last long. Rick! Rick to thread! What's Godfather's average Rumble duration?)

 

Rock ducks a clothesline and tries to mount a comeback, but Kane hits a much better looking sidewalk slam to put him back down. 

 

BOOM! Tazz used to have pyro? I'd forgotten that. Kane sits him on the top rope, smacks him, and he's out. Bye Tazz. Shows you how much cash WWE must have used to have floating around, that they could use a load of pyro for what amounted to a couple of seconds. There's a sign in the front that says "my crap is bigger than Tazz". Tazz is small, but he guy holding it looks a right twat.

 

That was weird, the show just cut to a replay of the Tazz elimination, but it was silent. 

 

Here's Bradshaw now. All former or future WWE Champions right now. Clothesline From Hell to The Rock, oof! He's getting a surpring amount in against Rock here, but not for long, because SPINEBUSTER! Crowd gets excited, which Kane puts a stop to by clotheslining Rock down again. We're in a bit of a breather spot before the next person comes out. It must be a big name.

 

Oh.

 

It was Albert.

 

Never mind.

 

All four of these guys are still with WWE, in one way or another, fifteen years later. Hmm!

 

And here's Hardcore Holly to join the fun. The "How do you like me now?!" thing is his current thing, because it gets mentioned three times during his run to the ring. He and Bradshaw try and put Rock out, and I am reminded of that match they had on a SmackDown in 2004 that was probably the most entertaining title defence of JBL's whole run, or at the very least the only one he actually won properly.

 

Rock almost gets Kane out! The crowd are pretty much only reacting to these two at the moment. 

 

R-Truth! Okay, K-Kwik, whatever. It's another guy who's still on the roster! This is quite weird actually, how many of the guys coming out in 2001 are still around in some capacity in 2016. Even comparing it to the 1997 Rumble roster it's a contrast. Truth's trousers aren't as snazzy as they'd become in later year. 

 

Kane powerslams Holly at exactly the same moment JBL power bombs K-Kwik. Simultaneous impacts! I can't imagine that was planned, but it looked great.

 

SIRENS BLEEEEEP BEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEELEEEEEP LEEEP LLEPEEE BEEEEELP BLEEEP

 

(It's Val Venis this time)

 

Everyone's slowing down again, plus the ring's filling up, which I guess might be resulting in someone coming out soon to eliminate loads of them. Val was entrant 20, and his shirt's been untucked. What would Steven Richards say?

 

AH! Lovely! William Regal! With his old, pre BOMMMM-BOMMMM-BOOOOOMMMMMMM music. He's the European Champion, and he gets booed, for which I boo the crowd. BOOO. Regalplex for R-Truth, followed by general clubbing of everyone. Someone else still employed by WWE, as well.

 

Bradshaw picks up Val over his shoulders mid-ring and carries him over to the nearest rope, which was quite a good thing to do.

 

TEST TEST TEST TEST HERE WE GO WITH THE HEAVY HEAVY CODPIECE

 

Test's going straight after Albert, which I assume means T&A had broken up by this time, though I can't for the life of me remember why T&A broke up. Test also eliminated Regal, who looks aghast. As I said in the 1992 post, I do like it when people show visible annoyance at being knocked out.

 

Test's trousers are shiny. 

 

"WHAT! WHAT? WHAT!" "HE'S BAAAAAACK!"

 

It's Big Show! He's eliminated Test, Truth dropped over the top rope, CHOOOOOOOOOOKEEEEEEEEESLAAAAAAAAM to Albert! Yes Show yes! ONE FOR BRADSHAW TOO! YES! HE'S GOT VAL! CHOKESLAM! HARDCORE HOLLY! CHOOOOOOKESLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM! YES! HE'S GOT KANE UP!

 

CHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOKEEEEEEEEEESLLLLLLLLLAM!

 

Royal Rumble chokeslam count: 9

 

For a lot of his career, I've really liked Big Show. This is basically why. Massive bloke going around chokeslamming everyone. LOVELY.

 

Show tries his luck with The Rock as well, but gets nowhere, because within seconds he's teetering by the ropes aaaand eliminated! But every fucker else is dead and gone. That's a great way to use Show. He looks like a threat because he batters everyone, but he can be eliminated quite easily and still seem monstrous. Anyway, he's not a little peeved at being knocked out so quickly and he's dragged Rock outside to YES YES YES YES YES CHOOOOOKEEEEEESLLLLLAAAAM HIM THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE YES!

 

Royal Rumble chokeslam count: 10

 

I'd be pissed off if I got eliminated too. Meanwhile Crash Holly entered apparently. I heard his music. Were the Hollys still teaming by 2001? I can't really remember them being together after Molly came in, particularly.

 

KEEP IT ROLLIN ROLLIN ROLLIN ROLLIN KEEP IT ROLLIN ROLLIN ROLLIN ROLLIN

 

YES! NOSTALGIA! NOSTALGIA! NOSTALGIA!

 

IT'S THE UNDERTAKER!

 

FUCK YES! HE'S BATTERING ALL OF THEM! BROTHERS OF DESTRUCTION! Bradshaw out! Crash out! Albert out! Hardcore out! Val Venis out! "AND NOW WHAT, AND NOW WHAT!" yells jR! Fantastic stuff!

 

(I liked Bikertaker. Just saying.)

 

They're staring each other down now. Team up, or face off? Or just waiting for the countdown.

 

Oh dear. Scotty 2 Hotty is about to die. He knows it too, looking at his face. I wouldn't even bother, Scotty.

 

Kane and Taker are just waiting for him.

 

Ridiculously, Scotty gets in the ring.

 

And gets annihilated. 

 

And double chokeslammed.

 

Royal Rumble chokeslam count: 11

 

That's Scotty eliminated, which, as JR puts it, "was somewhat academic". Still lasted longer than Tazz.

 

Next up, it's…. STONE COLD! Crowd's going nuts, Austin looks serious, but Triple H just jumped him! They're fighting up the aisle, meanwhile, The Rock's back in the ring! Austin, Triple H, Rock, Undertaker, Kane, there's a bloody main event line-up for you (yes, even Kane). 

 

Triple H is destroying Austin, he's bleeding, The One Billy Gunn runs to the ring which is a travesty because it cuts short his glorious entrance music, and we've only got 2 entrants to go? That's gone so quickly!

 

No idea what Billy's been up to because the attention's been on Austin. Oh, Kane's choking him, fair enough. Undertaker DDT to Rock! "I'VE NEVER SEEN A DDT ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE!" claims JR.

 

I know who number 29 is.

 

THERE HE IS.

 

Shocked noises from the audience … albeit quite quiet shocked noises … BECAUSE IT'S ONLY BLEEDING HAKU! He's just smacking away at Kane and Undertaker. Lawler makes the point that if anyone could go toe to toe with either of them, it's Haku. He's just smacking and chopping them as hard as he can. I really liked Haku's 2001 run. Why did it end? He just of just blended away around the time the Invasion started. It would have been nice to get him on the WrestleMania card somehow. 

 

Anyway, crowd's chanting for Austin, who's busy paying for the fact he never legally won the thing in '97.

 

Number 30 is out. He's a bad man. Rikishi! Bad Rikishi!

 

He notices Austin's slowly trying to get to the ring and tries to jump him, but it doesn't work out and Austin's back in the ring! 

 

Aw, Austin eliminated Haku. We've got a final six. Kane's been in 50 minutes, Rock 35, UNDERTAKER JUST CHOKESLAMMED RIKISHI. And almost eliminates Rock!

 

Royal Rumble chokeslam count: 12

 

This has been a good Rumble for chokeslams.

 

What?! Rikishi just eliminated Undertaker! What?! Rock's battling Rikishi now, they're going toe to toe, that match happened at Survivor Series 2000, didn't it? Rikishi's dragging Rock to the corner, going for the Banzai Drop but Rock counters with a low blow and eliminates him! 

 

Final four time!

 

Rock. Austin. (Undertaker's biking his way out, you can hear the engine). Kane. And, er, Billy Gunn.

 

Swiftly corrected by Stone Cold, who eliminates Billy. Was he even on the card for WrestleMania X-Seven? He wasn't, was he? Actually, neither was Rikishi! That was a swift fall from the top for him.

 

Austin's staring down Rock, blood pouring down his face. Rock stares back. They go at it! SmackDown laid! From the sounds of it, more people are with Rock than Austin… or maybe not, as he fights out of the Rock Bottom and hits a Stunner! Thesz Press to Kane!

 

(sidenote: you'd think it'd hurt if you're trying to hit Kane in the face. You're hitting mask, aren't you?)

 

Rock Bottom to Austin!

 

Lawler: "I love the Royal Rumble!"

 

Kane's passed the hour mark now, according to JR. Thrown through the second rope by Rock, ne pas d'elimination. However, it does just leave Rock and Austin to brawl in the ring. Austin nearly eliminates Rock, Rock nearly eliminates Austin, but Kane is back in and he eliminates Rock! Kane thinks he's won, but he hasn't, so Austin hits him in the face repeatedly to try and knock him out, only to be met with YES, ANOTHER CHOKESLAM.

 

Royal Rumble chokeslam count: 13

 

Kane pops outside for a chair. I predict this may backfire on him. Yup. Austin kicks him in the gut, reverses a Tombstone attempt, and hits a Stunner. He's got the chair now. Three chair shots to the head (shall we say 43 then? Ish?) and a clothesline later, Stone Cold wins! And he actually wins it fairly this time! 

 

My thoughts:

 

If you want a trip down late-boom-period memory lane, this is the match for you. It's got so many of the characters and elements you want to remember about this era. It's a really well put together match as well. You get the Hardys to grab the initial interest, Drew Carey gets added in to start the Kane section, you get a hardcore bit which is ended by the mass elimination and then the surprise of Honky, then in comes Rock to add some major star power, it slows down a little (but not too much) before the second mass elimination by Big Show and some peril for Rock, then you start to trickle in the other big names, you take out one of the favourites in Austin only to have him comeback, and the final section is him overcoming the fact he's been beaten up to then go on and win it. It ebbs, it flows, it keeps moving all the time, it has big moments and more low-key ones, and it keeps you interested pretty much the entire time. 

 

It's interesting that for so long, this match was mostly remembered for being the one where Kane eliminated 11 guys, but they don't mention that at all during the match itself. There's one reference to him having got rid of 7 or 8, and that's it. But it's probably one of the first things that comes to mind about it today.

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