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I'll kick us off.


"Hello moosefuckers! I tell you why I hate Canada, half of you speak French, and the other half let them." - Jerry Sadowitz, Just for Laughs Montreal.





Sid: Are you the owner of this site?
Handyman: No.
Sid: Where is he?
Handyman: Gone for a pee... Here he comes now.




Carry On Camping (And possibly the greatest sight gag in history. Works on about 4 levels)



"We hear an awful lot of leftie whingeing about NHS waiting lists. Well the answer's simple. Shut down the health service. Result? No more waiting lists. You see, in the good old days, you were poor, you got ill and you died. And yet these days people seem to think they've got some sort of God-given right to be cured. And what is the result of this sloppy socialist thinking? More poor people. In contrast, my policies would eradicate poor people, thereby eliminating poverty. And they say that we Conservatives have no heart." - Rik Mayall, The New Statesman.

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It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.



How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.



Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common



White Boards are Remarkable!

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"The most dangerous drink is gin. You have to be really, really careful with that. And you also have to be 45, female and sitting on the stairs. Because gin isn't really a drink, it's more a mascara thinner. "Nobody likes my shoes!" "I made... I made fifty... fucking vol-au-vents, and not one of you... not one of you... said 'Thank you.'" And my favourite: "Everybody, shut up. Shut up! This song is all about me."


"EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!"


Dylan Moran.

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‘Yuri Gellar, he’s hard to stab’ – Gary Delaney


‘You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.’ – Stewart Francis


‘I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!’ - Stewart Francis


‘There’s only four things you can be in life: sober, tipsy, drunk and hungover. Tipsy is the only one where you don’t cry when you’re doing it’ – James Acaster

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