The Relationship Thread

[Ron&Hermione]

We have a new relationship thread for us all to enjoy.

 

But lets not abuse it, as it can be very helpful if used properly.

 

With that said - Please make sure you think about what you're doing and make sure you're happy sharing that part of your life & all kinds of personal information on what is a public and open forum. The mods can stop people posting but they cant stop anyone from reading and using that information.

 

 

I wanted to start this thread up because of some of the stuff I go through in my relationship and obviously for others to share. Plus who doesn't love that part of the sleepover when you discuss your relationships?

How important is 'winning' to you in your relationship? If you're right, will you fight to the death, or give in for the easy life?

I ask because my girlfriend can go from 0-100 over nothing in the space of no time at all. It can be so exhausting sometimes when you're just laughing, having a great time (being in love) then all of a sudden she is on her phone showing me something (in this case how spotify wasn't working. She was showing how the swipe button wouldn't stay on "offline mode", to which I saw & then said "what does that say next to it?" As I couldn't see from where I was.) and the next thing I know she is going utterly ballistic and crazy calling me a "fucking idiot" and how I wasn't even looking at what he was pointing out. Stuff like that.

Here's the thing, I knew it was a misunderstanding as I did see what's he was pointing at, but I also had no clue what it meant. I tried to explain this but got called everything under the sun and yelled at. I did keep trying to say how i knew what she meant but I was met with "liar" and crap like that. We have stuff like this A LOT. Over the smallest things which come out of nowhere and 99% are miscommunications like that. Though she always says "you can never admit when you're wrong" yet every time after I apologise. However in the moment I argue my point whole heartedly.

It is getting beyond exhausting but bringing it up goes nowhere as she won't budge with me apparently never admitting when I'm wrong. It's so difficult trying to explain something to someone when they won't listen and have their minds made up. It's like they want to argue.

In situations like that, where an argument happens out of a tiny thing, do you go with it or just take blame (even if it's not your fault) and move on?
Do you find it difficult? I would but I hate that feeling of the other person not realising what you meant.

It's so fucking frustrating, loving someone and being happy then that switch flipping.

Edited December 12, 2014 by Ron&Hermione

[Chest Rockwell]

Hey Ron, can you put in that cautionary note I mentioned at the start of your post in bold, with words to the effect of what I said about being careful sharing personal information.

 

I would do it for you but I'm on my phone and on my way to the airport!

[Rey_Piste]

She honestly sounds like she is bipolar. Though from the sound of things bringing up the idea of her seeking help would be very difficult. I would recommend trying couples counselling to try and talk it through without being brow beaten by her, since you would have a mediator with you.

 

If it was me I'd have fucked her off ages ago, but I'm a stubborn cunt. So we would be arguing constantly about shit and I wouldn't back down even if I was in the wrong.

[Kookoocachu]

Ron, it sounds like there's a lot of stress somewhere and that's how it's coming out. Is she or could she be under stress? She may also be depressed and snapping is how she's dealing with her own feelings.

 

That being said have you spoken to her about this? Calmly I mean. Also have you ever just said "OK then" and 'walked away' from the argument? What happened?

 

My own personal experience with situations a little similar to that have a lot of listening and understanding involved. I wouldn't explode and shout, accuse people of lying etc and nor would they. Instead I'll calmly explain how I'm feeling towards the situation and why, they listen and give their side until we've talked it through and we're on the same page. 

If however neither side is willing to listen and try to understand then there's a bigger problem.

[FLips]

Don't understand how anyone could be with someone like that unless they were either a doormat, or ridiculous. Wouldn't ever let someone speak to me like that.

[Ron&Hermione]

This is looong.

 

I warn you, shit is about to get real. Wonderfully after putting the disclaimer in the first post, I will be putting it out there. Please know I'm happy to (happy isn't the right word I imagine) and my girlfriend will NOT see this. So please don't worry. I'm not going into much detail.

 

Ok now as we are onto this sort of area, without going into detail. You managed to hit the nail on the head with the depressive thing, she didn't have a great childhood (she would never come on here or knows of this place, so that information isn't damaging. Plus she's been open and writes comments a lot on various websites about stuff like that.). Basically just imagine the worst childhood you can, and all the scars (both figuratively and literally) that come with that.

 

She has never been diagnosed with bipolar, but other things yes. We speak all the time about things, stuff which brings it all up and she does feel safe with me. I guess what I keep not understanding is that she is so aware of it all. Like the moment after the argument there is a calm and cathartic experience for her where she falls into me and relaxes. Then we joke and everything, yes that sounds very bipolar.

 

I do now try and just immediately apologise but I noticed she now uses the rage/bipolar tendencies as an excuse for her behaviour. She will yell, scream, call me names and even hit me. I mean I would never harm her or even think about it, so in those moments I have let her take her anger out on me. As I know it's more frustration against the past anyway. Please know I'm a 26yr old in pretty good shape and she is an 18yr old rather petite girl, so it's no actual damage or anything. It's just one time afterwards I broke down, I just had nothing left. Like hysterically crying (I'm a crier anyway, over any tv or whatever.) to the point where I couldn't speak properly. I vividly remember her saying "what's, going on? What's happening?" In a calm voice as she had let that anger go and was relaxed again. That's when she first used the "you can't blame me, you KNOW I get like this. I can't help it, just like you can't help hysterically crying right now."

To which it's happened a couple times after. We talk constantly, in ways which are so close and deep that we both understand everything, yet it happens. Even when I do say sorry and all that, I will still have a few insults thrown my way.

 

Now you're probably thinking, my god this guy is a complete idiot and just leave her already. Well I don't want to, as I love her so deeply it actually hurts. I care for her far more than anyone else I've been involved with, I think some of it is the idea of keeping her safe and being with her. As 95% of the time it's pure perfection. She is smarter and thinks like no one ive ever met, plus I just bloody well am happier when I'm with her. Well when we aren't arguing or she is blaming me for something.

 

I don't want to leave, I have no intention of leaving. Here's the thing, I make good money and she doesn't work (or do much these days.), she lives with me, her family are a nothing. She has some friends but not many. Spends a lot of the time watching bloody YouTube videos. Though she is enrolled in some online law course. She does go out with friends, and we go out a lot so she can be super social. A real great person to be around. But in many ways, she is all I have, I DO feel responsible for her because of the love I have.

 

I'm laying this all out, for the future times I post here. Left a lot out.. But I guess what I'm asking and in a way venting for feedback is -

 

Am I actually making it worse with how I am? Is there a different course to take? (She has had therapy, but doesn't want to do it. And can't take pills after an, erm, incident...)

Have I dug myself a whole so deep without realising it? To the point of no return. As I do wonder what would happen to her if we ever broke up. (Sounds conceited, sorry.)

 

It's why I'm happy to ignore the 5% and put up with it.. As it IS worth it and I do love her. I just don't want to look back in 5 years time and realise I actually made it worse.

 

 

Oh and as you can tell this is all super fresh, hence the outpour! As I'm sure I went all over the place. After this lets get back to a happier note when discussing relationships.

[Kookoocachu]

She needs some sort of therapy and your support through it if you are willing to. It may take a very long time to get the right kind of therapy but it's important to get the ball rolling now because even if she doesn't realise it the damage is still on going and I only know that through my own experience. It goes further than just counselling, people like that need intensive specialist therapy.

 

I take it you're shit scared of bringing things like this up with her, and you have every right to be, but she will thank you for it.

[Ron&Hermione]

She needs some sort of therapy and your support through it if you are willing to. It may take a very long time to get the right kind of therapy but it's important to get the ball rolling now because even if she doesn't realise it the damage is still on going and I only know that through my own experience. It goes further than just counselling, people like that need intensive specialist therapy.

 

I take it you're shit scared of bringing things like this up with her, and you have every right to be, but she will thank you for it.

I've broached the subject from time to time but it's not something she really wants as she has had it through her whole teen life. That's the thing, she has gone through all that intensive stuff. Though now she is settled again and is in a stable home she may be more receptive. She does say how she wants to move on and not revisit the past and thats a reason why she hasn't wanted to go, which I understand. At the same time I imagine it will be helpful.

 

Thanks, in a way I just wanted to vent whilst also getting information and advice. Very much appreciated. So this isn't completely about me, my initial question does stand. In that would you take winning an argument or whatever over the relationship?

[patiirc]

Ron, your missus sounds like a classic Narc (Narcissitic Personality Disorder) and you are the co dependent here. There is very much the case for abuse and Gaslighting and all the rest of it there.

Apologising profusely like that is a sign of someone being abused and not having the self esteem or courage to stand up for themselves, which is pretty much a Narc's whole Raison d'etre They want and have control and you aren't being yourself.

Follow Kook's advice, go on forum's like the excellent Out of the Fog and get some counselling for her and you both. If you want to make it work, you are going to have to take the emotion out of things and let her simmer and get sorted. If it's worth it then it's worth it, but don't let it compromise you completely so she can run rabid.

 

In other news, I'm up to Police visit number 9! and Police Case number 5! Yes, that's right sport fans, the ex and her mum contacted the Police yet again, this time because I contacted a mediator to see what my options are to end this civilly (and on Police advice to seek alternate resolution as it's wasting their time!) and he went straight to them and not via the Police as he promised. Yes, Alternative Dispute Resolution, becomes 3rd Party Harassment. Woot!  

 

I have no contact with the ex or her family in person since August and via Text since September! You work it out because I cant any longer. Apparently the ex is suicidal over this. well she's only 3 months behind me. Why she cant let it go is utterly beyond me.

 

The Police are so irate they have said if they can get 'anyone' on anything they will. I don't blame them! I don't think I have had more than two weeks clear of Police involvement of some sort since she split with me in August. 

 

So looking forward to the New Year, not.

Anyway Ron, hope it all works out dude!

Edited December 12, 2014 by patiirc

[Kookoocachu]

Depends what the argument is and if it's a healthy relationship Ron. Simples. 

If it's a healthy relationship then no matter what the argument is you will work it out, no one "wins" no one "loses". 

[Keith Houchen]

Depends what the argument is and if it's a healthy relationship Ron. Simples. 

If it's a healthy relationship then no matter what the argument is you will work it out, no one "wins" no one "loses".

 

Yep, totally. If you're scoring points, you're playing a game.

[King Coconut]

And if you're playing a game, you lose!

[hallicks]

If they're not aware they're doing something, and have no inclination to try and change anything, it's hard to see when it's going to get better. Clearly this behaviour is rooted in years of emotional abuse / difficult childhood / however you want to describe it. There's no shame in being affected by that, but they have to acknowledge that that effect on their personality exists. I grew up watching my dad be a true bastard to all my family. It wasn't until my first long term relationship broke down that I realised I was emulating his twattish behaviour to my then girlfriend. It took me YEARS to figure it out and acknowledge my responsibility, and longer still to stop being resentful. I'm not blaming him for what happened but man was I bitter.

[Rey_Piste]

And if you're playing a game, you lose!

Especially if the game is Warhammer, then you're definitely a loser.

[King Pitcos]

So this isn't completely about me, my initial question does stand. In that would you take winning an argument or whatever over the relationship?

 

I suppose it depends on how important the relationship is, and how important the argument. I'd say that, despite the deluge of "lol my wife" jokes in stand-up/sitcoms that reinforce it, you shouldn't have to lose arguments to keep a relationship from ending. Petty fights like the ones you've described are obviously symptomatic of deeper problems, as you've been discussing. I think that's almost always true, nobody should be saving relationships by losing arguments. It's a false economy.

 

There's nothing wrong with agreeing to disagree, but if someone's wrong about something, they're wrong and a relationship can not survive well if it's dependent on someone pretending someone else isn't wrong. Especially about stupid, meaningless shit. I've seen my sister and brother in law get into a screaming argument about how many mushrooms he ate from her plate at a Chinese buffet. She said all, he said six. She wasn't angry about him eating the mushrooms, it was purely disagreement on a detail in an anecdote. It went on for a good half hour. I can't remember who won, it was good though.