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Revenge...is a dangerous motive

John Matrix

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A simple thread, with added Dave Benson Phillips just to push it over the top.


I haven't always been the composed, measured, tolerant Matrix I am today and  whilst many acts of wrong doing against my person over the years have been met with a simple tut, or roll of the eyes, there was an occassion where i took the law into my own hands and dished out my own unique brand of Matrix justice.


So picture the scene, i'm 19 and emptying office bins for some pocket change.  Law of the land was, if you want your bin emptied, leave it in the aisle.  Simple enough and as you can probably imagine, i wasnt the sort motivated to check under your desk just in case.


Anyway, a few weeks in, and i get a bollocking for missing bins.  Couldnt figure it out, but wasnt losing any sleep over it until it happened again, and again.  As luck would have it, i left my keys behind in one of the offices and headed back to pick them up only to spot through the glazed door, one of the team pulling bins out from underneath desks (she was responsible for cleaning desks etc earlier in the shift).


Turned out she'd been putting them under there on her way through, pulling them out again on the way back, then grassing me up to the supervisor at the end of the shift.  Cunt.


Now either she was threatened by the next generation of bin emptier, the young, charasmatic, handsome pretender to the throne, or, she was a fucking nutcase.  Whichever, I wasnt about the let that shit slide.


Knowing said lady was a fan of the polo mint, i took it upon myself to buy a pack from the on site vending machine.  I took one out, and placed it between my buttocks, before completing an entire shift which, make no mistake, could be quite physically demanding when i put my back in to it.  Lastly, i took it into the gents, rolled it around on the floor a bit before rinsing it off in one of the shitters, before placing it back in the pack and re folding the foil impeccably so even the most ardent of polo mint eaters wouldnt know it had been tampered with.


You can figure out the rest, worked like a charm, she was more than up for a free polo mint and thus, Matrix wins as she sucked on a buttock sweat and urine laced polo mint for a minute or two.  No idea if she died from it or not, i quit a few days later, scared that the police would be after me on a murder charge if i stuck around, but alas, i walked out of the building that evening with a certain swagger safe in the knowledge that vengance was mine.


I'm not going to be the only one to have gone to such extreme and childish lengths for retribution...am i?


Stories here please.

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I wrapped my brother's birthday present last year (a bottle of JR BBQ Sauce) in several layers of tissue paper to cover up I wrapped it in One Direction wrapping paper! I did a similar thing for my sister's as well. She grew up petrified of The Cat In The Hat for some reason. Being the great brother I am, guess what sort I got for her?


Was expecting something bad for my birthday, but thankfully, didn't materialise... For now.

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In the past we have had stories about rape, chasing blind dates down the street and doing a poo-poo in a quality street tin. Not to mention jizzing on yourself in a peeps show and the worst of all, sitting on the toilet funny.


I doubt the tone can get much lower, but feel free to try.

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Did you eventually actually beat him up? Or did you not really care anymore two years later?


Didn't care. But I started training with the sole purpose of battering him 2 years later, which was the spurious time frame I'd given myself. 


But ironically, the next time I met him a few years later, myself & 3 mates were tripping off our heads! We went around to the 24hr garage at around 11pm and bumped into him on his own - but he looked like a junkie! Off his head and all scrawny - talking slow. He talked to me like we were mates: "alright Sean - how's tricks?" (he was in my year in school, but left school - so I knew his full name, etc - wasn't just a randomer). I just laughed and said "yeah, grand Burkie - see you later". I could have crushed him. That was enough justice IMO. 



On a similar (but more serious) note, I had a knife pulled on me when I was 16 and a guy took my wages (a mere IRE£40 - but it was everything I had) when I was coming home from my Saturday supermarket job one evening. He did the same to a mate of mine a few years later. Local scummer. This was around 1995. Then in 2001, someone smashed his face in with a hammer:



Myself & my mate giggled our fucking asses off reading that news. 

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I spent over 2 years training in martial arts so I could beat up a guy who ripped me off £5 for acid when I was 15.


That's a hell of a tale, how much are we talking for the rights? I'm logging into Kickstarter as we speak.


It does sound like a good montage, doesn't it?

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