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IANdrewDiceClay

Just seen a big spider

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A couple of weeks ago, me and the missus were driving through the outrageously smelly Burton On Trent. She was driving, I was in the passenger seat, everything was lovely (apart from the fucking smell. Fucking Burton On Trent).

We came to a stop at the lights and I noticed a very inquisitive, very big gangly spider slowly creeping across the steering wheel. Starting at the top and working it's way down to the hands resting on the bottom arch. Every driver's worst nightmare.

I hate spiders with a God damned passion and I will forcibly remove any within my immediate personal space, usually via magazine, a shoe or a doused liberally with spray. She too dislikes them but she won't ever kill them. She's one of these fluffy clouds who hates killing any insect or organism. Bit weird really as she was soon chomping down on a bowl of chicken wings at TGI Fridays.

So I calmly informed her of the impending doom crawling down the Volkswagen logo over the horn. She freaked out, like any sane person would. I saw her reach into the net pocket on the door, most likely to grab anything to smack it with. She produced a piece of paper or card from what looked like a Pay And Display. Fine, the idea here is to place the card over the spider and wallop it so you don't have to touch the fucking thing. If I'm killing a spider there is no shitting way that I'm doing it with my bare hands. I need that barrier between skin and alien flesh.

Oh no, what she did will still baffle me decades from now. She started to flick at the spider with card. Yes, you read right, flick at it. Her plan was, as she told me later, to send the spider out of her open window. Y'see, she hated killing insects and always moaned when I would take out a spider with the precision of a drunk gorilla. Also, lets not forget her plan to save this spider the pain of death was to send it into three lanes of waiting traffic. Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

The spider wasn't having any of it and stood it's ground, just would not budge at all. Finally, she got full extension on her swing (well as much as you can whilst seatbelted into the front seat of a Beetle) but the impact was only just enough to send the fucker tumbling off the wheel and onto her mid-section. Luckily she was wearing a dress so it wasn't skin-to-hairy invertebrate contact. You can imagine the frantic mayhem at this point. And then you can imagine the escalation when the traffic light switched from red to amber to green at that very moment.

She scrambled with her mits at the eight legged freak but it wasn't doing much. Drivers got inpatient at her not pulling off within milliseconds of the green light so she hit the gas hard and sped off, jumping second gear and shifting right into third, all the while beating at the beast which was now sitting on her lap. Her eyes were flickering between the two priorities but she spent more time focused on batting away the spider than the road. I sat there astounded, unable to do anything for fear of causing more distraction and sending us into the wall of a Tesco (or worse, a Morrisons). A last ditch attempt before accepting her grizzly fate sent the spider into the foot well.

For the next 20 minutes, I sat hunched over in my seat with my phone torch in the foot well, keeping an eye out for any attempts back to the surface. As she was wearing a dress, her legs were vulnerable and out in the open, resulting in a lot of involuntary jumping as she thought everything, from the wind to the fabric of the seat, was a spider crawling up her calves. The amount of times the car engine let out high pitched squeals due to her slamming on pedals due to an itch must've reached the hundreds. We were on A-roads for most of the journey too, booming at 70mph whilst a very real danger of spider attack loomed over us. The Doomsday Clock was at two minutes to midnight.

We made it to our destination unharmed and without further incident. No sooner had the handbrake been pulled she piled out the car, shaking herself off. The car was checked, boot to bonnet, with no sign of the bastard. I came close to death and didn't even get to enact any revenge. And it wouldn't of even happened if she had just twatted it to death in the first place.

 

 

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25 minutes ago, Arch Stanton said:

Denver Colorado? Yeah, I think we'll be alright. 

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Never doubt a spider's initiative to make a bit of cash and catch a flight. How many of the fuckers can he cram in a suitcase? All his family, friends, cousins, his favourite mistress and one to drive the bus when they land?

We're fucked.

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I don't know who it was, but someone in this thread a couple of years ago joked about a coach dropping loads of them off at this house like they're on a lads holiday. I loved it so much that I've used it when talking about my own place to other people. I'd go back and upvote that if I could be arsed to pour through all the pages. 

Edited by Accident Prone

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A little early to be spider season yet? I hope so anyway. I've seen a couple of smaller ones on the kitchen floor but I'm hoping we've still got a while til the end-of-summer invasions start. 

Edited by Undefeated Steak

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2 minutes ago, Undefeated Steak said:

A little early to be spider season yet? I hope so anyway. I've seen a couple of smaller ones on the kitchen floor but I'm hoping we've still got a while til the end of summer invasions start. 

nope. My misses spotted one the other day. It scuttled into the draw where my summer shorts are kept.

Needless to say, I am wearing jeans now until next summer.

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The tweet in reply to that with C̶̡̨̧̧̡̤̹̗͔̳̠̜̻̬͇̋̎͂̅͐̀h̴̹̮̬͔̯͖̩͎̙̫̜̊͜ŗ̶̲̪̗͕̲̊ͅī̷͍͖͕̪̜̩̤̳͙̭̖̺̌̃̚ş̴̢͕̘̭̼̙̦̳̯̼̘͈͐̓̀̕ ̶̛̜͎̺͎͉̫͎̪͈̩̰͚̻͔̓̇͊̾̊̓̀̀̋̂͝B̷̼̥͉͛é̴̫̎̅͒̇̈͐͘̚ͅn̷̢͍̟̻̙̣̱͙͇͔̟̳̠̮̏̈́͑͋̒̅͛̎͜͠ǒ̵̡̧̹̰̮̬̥̮̟͉̟̠̎̐͋̈́̑̾͗̏̚̕͠͝͝ì̷̧̯̩̦̞͉̤̘͕͆̒͑̃͐͛̎̔̈́̚͜͝t̴͓̼̆͘'s entrance is perfect. 

Edited by Undefeated Steak

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