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The British Bushwacker

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Whats the biggest, best or worst lie that you've told, as a child or even as an adult , or what is the worst lie you've been told but perhaps believed

 

When i was a kid i somehow put together an elaborate story to my friends that i was involved in a Kids Wrestling Federation based at the local Boxing YMCA, i was champion obviously and would come into school on a monday morning complaining i'd spent the night in a&e having been attacked by somebody wielding a steel chair , was ridiculous to believe that any of them actually believed it, they couldn't have tickets either because they were only for the parents!

 

A lad i used to knock about with who was the son of one of my dads old schoolfriends used to tell me how his dad had once played for Manchester United, pretty sure my dad nearly pissed himself laughing when i told him that his 5'4, shaggy haired overweight mate had graced Old Trafford, i was adament it had happened becuase Matthew told me so!

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Back when I was at college, I used to know some people who did Backyard Wrestling. I never partook myself, but knew all involved and that was there thing I just used to watch. Anyway, one time there were two of them doing a match and this lad (who looked to be into metal like we were) walks up to us and we make polite conversation for a bit. I'd never seen him around the college or anything, but he could have easily just taken different subjects to me and our paths never crossed. Either way, after a few minutes he mentions about how he goes to a wrestling school and has training with guys who used to work for WCW then moved onto WWF (think it was still WWF at the time but i could be wrong). "Oh yeah? Where does that happen at", just making polite conversation, and this is how it went:

Liar: "Oh its Woodford [Leisure Centre, I would put a website here, but it only has one affiliated with Hull County Council], its run by WWF".

Me: "WWF runs a school at Woodford Leisure Centre....in Hull?"

Liar: "Yeah, they've had it there ages"

Me: "In Hull? Not London, Manchester or any other major city in the country, but here in Hull?"

Liar: "Why are you saying it like that?

Me: "Because it sounds ultra-far-fetched that the WWF would have a wrestling school in Hull"

Liar: "They do! Jeff Hardy and Lita were there last week! [this is when Jeff Hardy was at the height of Team Extreme]

Me: "Oh yeah? and what were they doing there?

Liar: Oh, Jeff just went through some things to do with running the ropes and jumping off the turnbuckles. He said I was really good and then we had a Hell In A Cell match"

Me: "So you had a Hell In A Cell match with Jeff Hardy at Woodford Leisure Centre last week?"

Liar: "Yeah"

Me: OK, course you did"

Liar: Yeah, yeah I did. Tell me this then. How do i know that Lita's real name is Amy?"

Me: "But I know that, her name is Amy Dumas, you can find that one the internet for fucks sake"

Liar: "oh, well, yeah I did"

 

 

I'm sure he was just guy who saw what we were doing and was trying to sound impressive to us for some reason as we'd be starstruck that he was training with the WWF or something. It was just the way he played it totally straight and was committed to the lie

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We had a mate named Terry who became notorious for telling a few chinny reckon's when we were in year 7 and 8, most annoying of all being that he'd discovered how you make the characters in WWF Attitude ask each other if they quit or not which was apparently as simple as getting the character's energy bar down into the red and pressing start and select, upon which the dominant player would produce a mic and bellow

 

"DO YOU QUIT, JABRONI?"

 

It's hard to tell how long we actually spent frustratedly pressing start and select over and fucking over again, restarting matches 'til the weapons match gimmick produced a mic and all fucking sorts, but we wanted to believe it so much. I think we put so much faith into it because this was the game we were ringing up Acclaim over after a group of us nearly went apeshit after we saw a few promo images that included Billy Gunn and not Road Dogg, believing they'd fucked off the greatest wrestler of all time from the roster in favour of his tag team partner. That's how much we loved it. You could pretend to be the Road Dogg in the comfort of your mate's nan's spare room and by that standard ANYTHING was fucking possible.

 

Needless to say of course, it wasn't. It was all bullshit. He later went on to tell us his Playstation had been MOT'd and that he'd unlocked bloodbaths in story mode. No chance. Fool us once, Terry. FOOL US ONCE.

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If you swallow chewy, it'll wrap around your heart and kill you. Not terrifying at all when you accidentally did that as a kid.

 

When I first heard that, or first recall hearing that, I sort of knew that there were two systems there and it wasn't feasible.

 

Perhaps I was a bit older before some one tried to spin it. I did here, "if you swallow chewing gum you'll choke and end up in A&E / dead" more than anything else, so it might be that.

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I'm super great at slipping in deadpan lies entirely for my own amusement and having people believe me. It's my one big talent.

 

Once I got back from a wake, where a guy with a really obvious wig had been scoffing at the buffet the whole time. I said that he'd slipped an extra sandwich under it on the way out and people bought it. When the Olympics started, I had a bit where I'd act all miffed that they'd wasted so much money on the Olympic village, where due to a clerical error, instead of building 3,000 toilets, they'd just built one really big toilet; eight storeys of porcelain.

 

Childhood liars are the best. More stories of kids with nunchucks at home that are always at the cleaners when you go round, please. Or lads who went to Florida for two weeks and saw Gremlins 3 and 4 and bought a real, working Back to the Future hoverboard that got confiscated at customs.

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One of the biggest lies I remember most was from some of the guys in my secondary school, a few months after Street Fighter II: if you completed the game with all perfects, no defeats, after Bison you faced Master Shenlong, Ryu and Ken's teacher.

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I told Gavin Williams that there was going to be a channel 6. They were going to use the local swimming baths as the studios and that they were going to hire me to present the sport programmes. The fact I was 11 seemed to have no baring on his gullibility.

 

Also, Jeremy Lambert's dad lived in America and was rich and Jeremy saw Tatanka win the WWF title when he went to visit his dad over half term and it hasn't been on TV yet. Jeremy's dad was also Princess Diana's personal chef, and played the banjo.

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When I was at Primary school, there was a lad who said he did Homer's voice in the episode 'The Last Temptation of Homer'.

 

I've come across a load of liars in my time for some reason. One kid won a contest in Metal Hammer to be introduce the bands at Ozzfest in the states and Rob Zombie asked if he wanted to come out with him on tour

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My older sister used to use the chewing gum wrapping around your heart one on me. And I swallowed the gum once when I was about 5, and ran around the house screaming that I was dying. Of course my sister was pissing herself which I thought was extremely callous in my last moments alive.

 

During my girlfriend's pregnancy we heard loads of bullshit old wives tales. One of her friends in particular was full of them. She believes in all these Chinese superstitions and stuff. I can't remember the exact details but she told us something like, if you swing a pendant over the pregnant belly, you'll know the sex of the kid depending on which way it swings or spins or some shit. But it had to be on a certain day of the month. Every week she was telling us a new one, insisting we tried it there and then. And each time it was throwing out different answers which didn't seem to deter her belief in this shite. We got about 50/50 results on the sex so if her method was true like she swore it was, then we should've either had twins or a hermaphrodite. Her expert opinion settled on us having a boy, we had a girl. She hasn't mentioned it since funnily enough. And now she's moved onto a friend who's just got pregnant and I see the same thousand yard stare in the boyfriend's eyes already when she gets going.

 

School playgrounds were the best for lies though. I always heard the wrestling video game ones as well, like if you completed the career mode on Attitude with someone shit like Droz, you'd unlock Test. And in year 5 a Scottish kid joined our class and swore that his aunt was Roddy Piper's wife. He said he knew all the backstage stuff in the WWF and could get Hasbros from America that we didn't get over here. He reckoned he had a Diesel, among others, that was going to come out here that Christmas. We somehow believed this shit just on the basis he was Scottish so maybe he really was Piper's nephew. Logic! We decided he was full of shit when he couldn't tell us who Piper fought at WrestleMania 6. That was enough for us. That and he kept saying he'd bring in his Diesel figure and kept 'forgetting'.

 

The Warrior is dead/WrestleMania 8 Warrior is a different bloke/Texas Tornado replaced him stories were rife in our school in 1992 as well.

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My dad is a right lying get - he used to love to tell outrageous lies about stuff I enjoyed, such as telling me that a board member at Forest was down the pub gloating about how he'd signed Matt LeTissier that day, or that Forest's books were in and they were winding up a few days later. He tried it on far too late, though, and only about 6 years ago tried to convince me that his mate Ken down the pub was Ken...do Nagasaki. Didn't matter that I told him Kendo was Peter Thornley, he still tried to keep it up.

 

He also, for some reason, put on his resume that he went to Cambridge and graduated with a first, when he never went to university at all. He also didn't tell my mum, so when it came up in conversation at a meal with his boss, she had to excuse herself to the bathroom, and then call him and get him to pretend it wasn't her calling to get him to go out and strategize on this lie.

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