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Post Of The Year 2014

Devon Malcolm

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Nominating this corker from Astro Hollywood in the Alex Shane / Jim Cornetter Kickstarter thread:-


To outright paste what I said in the other thread, I'm fascinated by the mindset of someone who'd donate to a fucking BritWres kickstarter.


"My perks will be here any day now. Any day now...."


Just type up your letter to trading standards now to save time.


Also --


In February 2014, for the first time in his life, Jim is going to conquer his long standing fear of flights and jump in a plane to cross the Atlantic. The reason? To do a series of unique "shoot" style live shows, completely unscripted, where he rants and raves about a number of different subjects each night


Oh yeah, sounds ace. Go on, Jim, do your 'pretending to be angry' catchphrase. Go on, someone's asked about Russo, do the face! He's doing it! He's doing the face, this is brilliant! Hold on, someone's brought up a shit wrestler or something or other, and he's off again! What is he like?! He's said 'fuck' loads of times. THIS IS AWESOME *clap, clap, clap clap clap*


For a super rich property magnate and David Icke-following positive-thinker life coach guru, Alex Shane mysteriously hasn't personally got the 7 grand to fund things like "giving Jim Cornette a camcorder so he can film himself DOING THE FACE and BEING ANGRY while he's sat on the bog at the hotel."



"Anyone pledging

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celeb BB episode recap from Butch. shame it didn't become a regular thing but this is still one of the best posts EVER!


So, following on from last night's "Jasmine Waltz is the centre of the universe and makes Lionel Blair pull a face like Mary Whitehouse watching Sperma Brutal IV" let's see what tonight has in store for us. Hopefully tonight is the night Jasmine Waltz does a Kinga and slots a Lambrini bottle, only Sam Faiers moves her arm dead quick and it smashes leaving Waltz with a mimsy like Nino Schibetta's internal organs after O'Reilly and Adebisi took it upon themselves to make his tea personally. Hopefully also tonight I'll be able to have opinions on other people other than "Lee Ryan is a fucking cockend", "Dappy is a fucking cockend" and "Liz Jones has a face like the Singing Detective's cockend".


And here we go. The morning after the night before. How they're all able to get up at half nine in the morning after plowing that much ale until 3:30am I don't know. Jasmine has a hang over already. Lovely Lionel, King of Showbiz is having a lovely song while Jasmine plays up and Lionel's making his awesome "Oh, fuck off you horrid woman" face again. Sam's coming off really nice though, living up to my Sam as face theory. Being nice to that shit. She's just ying on the floor like the long loose chunk of faeces that she's proven herself to be so far.


Bringing up marriage to Evander Holyfield is good fun, as he talks of his 11 kids, also known as "why I'm in the house, as I've nary a pot to piss in."He took it in good humour though, claiming he's only fucked 11 times. He does seem a classy nice bloke.Lee and Casey love to cuddle, they've agreed to spoon. Classy behaviour. I think they know the game already, even though they have the chemistry of Gravy and Victoria Sponge. it'll keep them boring and in the house.


CLASSY JASMINE WATCH: As Lovely Lionel says she's crude and should know better in the dairy room, Sam is pulling her hair back as she sprogs all over the lavs.


So far watching this I'd have to say that Lionel and Sam are my top line babyfaces. They both come off really well. Lionel's just that nice, old-school showbiz variety club bus man you'd expect who shares my distain for Jasmine, and Sam Faiers is just really, really nice. Of course, nice doesn't win this things. Ollie will probably win. Inoffensive, bit camp, nice teeth. He's the guy the people that vote will vote for. He's essentially Rylan 2014.He's a nice enough bloke though. I do like his tag team with Lionel, I'd be remiss not to mention that. It's like he Mick Foley and Terry Funk of being camp. One day Ollie will follow in Lionel's dancing footsteps and become the "He's like that nice Dale Winton" Legend amongst women aged 50 - death.


LEE RYAN IS A CUNT: Casey goes for a shower, Lee Ryan makes sure to get his perv on like Kenneth Hoare outside a nurses home. Mind you, she's as bad. "Look Away" then opens the door of the shower with her tits essentially in her face. Watching these two is like watching a Year 9 school trip to France for a week. In a couple of days they'll smuggle out some Mad Dog 20/20 and Lee will get Dappy to ask Casey if she'll go with him, and they'll French listening to the Vengaboys hoping the English Teacher (Mr J. Davidson) doesn't catch them lest he threaten to send them home for being in the other's dorm.


Lovely Lionel's hatred of Jasmine carries over to the task.


Jasmine: I may have punched Lindsay Lohan.

Lionel: Who?


It's the way he said it. Absolutely brilliant. Evander's story in his task was fucking brilliant though. Great little continuation of his solid "I'll just stick to talking boxing and be a nice enough bloke" strategy. Jasmine wants the dick of Dappy looking at her reaction to him going on about when he got it out on the internet, and Lionel's story about Joan Collins was just really nice. Then Liz Jones gets up and talks Daily Mail and her feuds with celebs through her articles and gets KILLED by the rest of the housemates taking her to task for her "controversial" columns. Jim Davidson actually came off surprisingly well talking to her there. Pretty much the whole group did. Lionel Blair was man of the match again in that bit. And then Jim Davidson went on about his coke addiction and I just started laughing. Especially when he thanked God for him beating his demons. I suppose Jim Davidson becoming a bible thumper shouldn't surprise me, or make me laugh, but it does. So Jim and Linda win the task and are out of shackles and immune from eviction. But it's worth noting that Davidson is a (shit) actor and none of the others are, so he can blast out those sob stories at a rate of knots. Fuck, he's sold enough of them to the tabloids over the years anyway. He should have broken out all the stories of him knocking fuck out of his girlfriends as well if people really wanted a real look at the person for the task.


Second task was a bit of throw away fun. Wrong fucking results though. JASMINE'S UNSHACKLED AND IMMUNE. FUCKING IMMUNE. Now, I know I'm normally a fan of "keep the bastards in there" but she's just fucking too much. At least Sam's free of the fucking trailer park twat though. I'm dreading her and dappy making the beast with two backs looking like a cross between Roland Rat and a cunt. And it's bound to happen as I saw her face when he mentioned his dick during the task.


AND AS I TYPE THAT HER AND DAPPY AGREE TO SHARE A FUCKING BED. She's looking forward to him having a hard on like a 12 year old as he's close to a woman and poking her with it. If these two get it together they'll be my least favourite couple since Stu and Michelle. I reckon they'll definitely not leak a sex tape just after coming out of the house too. I suppose the fact he's in a team with Liz might get his arse kicked out this week hopefully. Liz is really getting up my nose. "Whinge whinge, inner turmoil. Whinge whinge, I'm an introvert. Whinge Whinge, Butch always thought he was immune to uglyness but my face offends him.". She has not one redeeming feature. She writes having a pop at meat eaters for fucks sakes! Fuck her.


So, Dappy's talking his dick again, and again Jasmine is hungry for it. She's like a desperate woman in a nightclub at 4am who's had her first night having a babysitter in months, and so is desperate for any cock which is desperate to be in her. It's true town centre meat market stuff. Evander heels it a bit though, by coming forward and announcing he doesn't like the gays unfortunately. That'll really go against him being on Big Brother as well, possibly the gayest and campest show on TV. Especially comparing Gays to Disableds. He gets his first official warning off Big Brother for this.


And in bed, which Dappy and Jasmine are sharing, Dappy's got a bonk on and is poking Jasmine with it. Classy. They're definitely going to fuck on top of the dinner table while Linda Nolan negotiates a Carbonara. He actually wanked himself to stiff on camera so he could poke her with it. Fucking disgusting. I hate them both.


So, top faces: Lionel Blair, Sam Faiers, maybe Ollie.


Heels: Jasmine, Dappy, Liz Jones.



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Obligatory post picture of the fans filing in the venue and passing it off as the actual live crowd when show is actually in progress. Twat.

I just assumed you walked in and everyone in the building fucked off. Can't you get anything right?


On an unrelated topic, here's the fans I assume filling into the venue. Halfway through a house show the other night.


This response to Tommy is tremendous.

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