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Your Office Annoyances


neil

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The corporate world sucks. Let rip with your biggest office environments.

 

Mine:

 

- "heath & safety"....the person(s) who trot that old line out for any fucking thing. The best one I ever got was a woman who complained about a printer that was a good 10 feet from her. The fan on the side of it was blowing on her neck which made it painful and that it was a health and safety risk.

 

- anyone who uses clip-art

 

- habitual "important" email abuse. Your email about something minor does not warrant use of the red exclamation mark.

 

- The CC brigade. Those people who just feel the need to include you on any email. A fun game I like to play at times is to add someone randomly into the CC field and see if it sticks.

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In addition to the two i mentioned in the other thread, shitty email responses with the world copied in just to make sure everyone knows exactly how inept you are, and the play by play breakdown of phone calls you sat inches away from and already heard, i'd have to go with notices from office vigilantes.

 

You know the ones...

 

"There isnt a magic fairy who clears up after you at night. The cleaners are not paid to do your washing up, if these cups are not clear by morning, they will be disposed of".

 

That sort of shit, printed usually in Comic Sans, with a clipart picture of a cup or feather duster on them, stuck to a cupboard door.

 

My favourite one sat above a printer, in A3 with lots of clipart and big bold letters saying "THINK BEFORE YOU PRINT. COLOURED INK IS EXPENSIVE". It was printed in colour.

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We mainly communicate by IM in this office - my boss thinks it's acceptable to use "could you come to my office, please?" with an optional "and shut the door after you" as a catch-all request - doesn't matter if it's to tell you you're getting a promotion, something minor is wrong, or that she wants to know where you got your hair cut - it all sounds like a firing.

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I hardly ever go to the office these days, I prefer to work from home or go down south for meetings so never get a chance to tidy my desk that often. There's an office manager who I hear asks where I am, complains I'm never about and always goes on about the food (crisps, peanut butter etc) that sits above my pedestal. Fuck off woman, I don't work for you, your team, your cost centre or have anything to do with you, so leave my snacks and mess alone.

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People who stand about moaning when the photocopier breaks down, but do not have the mental aptitude to ring the fucking repair people and report the problem.

 

Using your desk to write a note for someone else, then fucking off with your last pen.

 

Sitting on the edge of your desk to talk to the person next to you. If I wanted to look at an arsehole I'd get a copy of your ID photo.

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People who stand about moaning when the photocopier breaks down, but do not have the mental aptitude to ring the fucking repair people and report the problem.

 

I don't really mind this, because I am some sort of office hero when I cut the Gordian Knot of people standing around bleating "the copier's broken!" and just step in and fix it. It actually went into my evaluation as a strong point - "can fix the copier"

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On the technical side I hate it when I have someone say something like "the <x> is broken/down/not working" and the sentence stops there. 95% of the time <x> is not any of those and it's something much simpler. Of course, them actually explaining whats occurred rather than some blunt statement devoid of info would be much more useful.

 

Worse, I work for a software company and most of these people work in the support role. You'd think they'd know better.

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The first hour every single fucking morning involves the people sitting behind me discussing the weather with the people sitting in front of me.

 

Dickhead #1: "It was bloody hot last night wasn't it?"

Dickhead #2: "It was yeah. I couldn't sleep because of the heat"

Dickhead #3: "My car said it was 32 degrees when I left here last night"

Dickhead #1: "Mine said 31 and I left about half hour before you didn't I?"

Dickhead #3: "Yes you did. About 4:30pm".

Dickhead #1: "What did yours say?"

Dickhead #2: "Mine was 31 aswell"

Dickhead #4: "Met-Check says it's going to be pushing 35 today"

Dickhead #3: "No it's not. Daily Mirror says 28 or 29 with a bit of breeze"

Dickhead #4: "Oh is it?"

Dickhead #3: "Yeah"

 

Mind-numbing drivel day after bastard day.

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Something that would annoy me outside of an office setting, but for some reason 50% of the people in my office are on variously high levels of defensive alert. The number of arguments and freakouts doesn't match the stress level of working in a puzzle magazine office - I've heard screaming matches, crying meltdowns at being asked to change a clue, and even a few suicide threats. It's like I'm working in some sort of alcoholic writers and poets colony, except they're making wordsearches and crosswords instead.

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Dopper's post just reminded me - the human caricature who works in the office behind me takes banality to an Olympic level. He's the only person I've ever heard say, "how about those <insert sports team name>" and not mean it as a joke. He also seemingly figures out who's in the toilet cubicle by who isn't at their desk, and then engages them in specific conversation whilst they're taking a shit. My tack is just to tell him it's not a good time, but some people have just sat in silence till he goes away.

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It's the CCing that does me in. One client has an IT manager who is a slimy little toad who I feel genuinely homicidal thoughts towards. He talks shit, he's arrogant and rude but if you talk back to him, he either forwards it to the head of the UK division or CC's them into a reply. Last time, I was writing "Snitches get stitches, you detestible little cunt" in reply but caught myself before I hit send. The absolute chaos caused by me telling him that something would be done when it was done, despite repeatedly telling him it would be done after the weekend was horrendous.

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While I don't really do IT support now, I still work closely with our 1st and 2nd line guys and sit near them and if email or some other important service goes down there are the usual suspects who will pop round to ask what's going on. It goes something like.

 

Annoying user: our emails aren't working.

IT: yes we know. Company wide, affecting about 30,000 mailboxes.

Annoying user: when will it be back up?

IT: no idea. Like I said, company wide, affecting everyone. Engineers are working on it.

Annoying user: well it better be back soon as I've got a bid I need to send out today.

Me (interrupting): do you? Well in that case I'll pull a fix for it right out of my arse and get it working as clearly no-one was going to fix it until you mentioned your ever so important bid you absolute muppet.

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I sit next to the photocopier, which apparently automatically makes me an expert in photocopiers

 

Same here, the worrying thing is because I've been the only one around I've become the expert from tackling it so often. We have one particular colleague who demands the kettle be filled to the brim after each use so that he doesn't have to fill it. He says this saves him time. Which he ends up wasting anyway harrassing whoever he thinks is guilty of leaving it empty feeling everyone's mugs. If I ever leave the place from a huge lottery win that kettle is flying out of the window and ideally onto his precious car.

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