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Nicknames From Childhood And Beyond


Keith Houchen

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There was a girl a couple of year below us in school who was called Landmark, because she was about 6 foot tall and built like a brick shit house.

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I'll spare you some of the "hilarious" puns on people's surnames. Derbyshire being called "Derbyqueer" for five years by our form, for instance.

 

* There was a lad we all thought looked like Rodney from Only Fools, so behind his back we called him Rodney.

* We had a lad in our year from a struggling council house family who used get plastic dinner tokens, so we all called him Token.

* We had a lad called Dale who was fairly fat, so we called him Whale.

* There was a lad with a pronounced forehead who we called Meathead.

* We had a girl that we lads were all terrified of, so we just called her Mumm-Ra.

* There was a chubby Indian lad called Dhaliwell, so we called him Bellywell.

* There was a lad called Hamshaw who was on the fat side, so we called him Hamsweat.

* At the peak of my speccy chubbiness some of the lads in the year below started calling me Harold in homage to the jowly Ramsay Steet Salvation Army busybody.

* My best mate had a middle initial of J and one day a teacher was reading our names from a list for a trip and being blind as a bat, asked him what the F was short for. Without missing a beat my mate replied "Fudge." He was Fudge for a couple of years then.

 

Thankfully when we went off to college we started giving our associates more sophisticated nicknames, like "Fit Debbie," "Becky Tits" and "Nicci the Fist." Which I would imagine are self-explanatory.

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There was a nerdy, bookworm kid with the surname Keenan in my year who everyone called Keenan The Librarian.

 

One of my favourite nicknames is one I read in Frank Skinner's autobiography years ago. He said a girl he knew at school had fat legs like sausages, red cheeks like tomatoes and flat tits like fried eggs. "We called her 'The Breakfast'".

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Does anyone else know a Tammy Tampax? Not only is she still called that by everyone, but she looks like Tony Green.

 

We had a Tammy Tampon at our school. We obviously don't recognise brand names on the island.

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Ah, how can I have forgotten foreign people in schools. How can I forget Black Ronald? He was black.

Black Kay was our lass at school. We needed one, so she got drafted in at the final hour. The aforementioned block head got put in the Racism Book (racism was so hot back in the mid-90s in Sunderland when Andy Cole played for Newcastle we had our own jotter to tag the pupils names in). BK mentioned that she was in someway related to the queen and I'll never forget this lad dramatically looking down taking a breath and yelling "but the queen isn't black is she?" There was a mix of people going "well that's a fair point" and the dreaded patronizing tone kids do when you've fucked up. The dreaded "bit harsh like. Nee need fer it like". In none Mackem the last sentence is translated as "why would you say such an offensive thing to the young girl". Then we were introduced to the Racism Book. I never saw inside it, but I can only imagine Ruel Fox's name was on every page.

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Cadfael was a good one in Uni. He was balding, from Shrewsbury, and most importantly he fucking hated being called Cadfael.

 

We had a scrum-half called Cadfael in our university rugby club. Same basic reason of hairline. Not from Shrewsbury, though.

 

There were some crackers dished out for wonderfully obscure reasons in the club. Walford has always been my favourite, because the lad bore a passing resemblance to Martin Fowler. There was a Bowfinger, because he dislocated his little finger during his first training session with us. Spuggy, entirely based on the fact he was Geordie. And a surprisingly fortuitous three-year run of shaven-headed, pasty-skinned props became Fester, Pugsley & Pubert.

 

You must have come across some rugby club nickname greats in your time, Butch?

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Me and a couple of mates including The Maestro (from this forum and in this thread)used to call this lad we knew "Nappy boy" smelt like a fucking nappy. He used to walk around with the same trackie bottoms, man utd t-shirt (nothing against Manchester United) and the same backpack every bloody day but boy did he smell foul - like a nappy! . Funny thing was he always was spraying himself with Lynx thinking he was some STUD because he used to play Megazone (that laser quest game I shit you not) and didn't realise how much he stunk. He was a twat as well.

 

Seen him in the Highcross pub in Leicester about a year ago... still wearing the same clothes and still smells.

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You must have come across some rugby club nickname greats in your time, Butch?

 

Surprisingly, no. I was called Gringo because I had a big Mexican 'stache at one point, one called Coco because he could juggle, a lad called Ahab dunno why. Mainly just stuff like Geraint being shortened to Grunt.

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* There was a lad we all thought looked like Rodney from Only Fools, so behind his back we called him Rodney.

Surely 'Dave' would be the better choice there?

 

There was a kid a few years below us in school who always looked pretty tanned. Come to think of it, he might have been foreign, but he was christened 'Ron Seal' regardless.

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