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Movies that make your balls swell (sorry ladies)


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tomorrow we have a slightly softer ball swelling watch, Over the Top with Sly Stallone who arm wrestles for his kid and turns his hat backwards to show he means business.

 

BUMS. Anyone know the name of the song that plays over the tournament montage? Where the chorus is just some power rock singer yelling WIN if memory serves me correctly. Need to add it to my gym playlist.

 

In this country, robin zander

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Under Siege 2 is pretty underrated. It's obviously a terrible film, but as long as you know that, it's brilliant.

 

I know I'm pages late, and it's borderline blasphemy, but I think Van Damme's best film is TimeCop. Obviously not as likely to make your balls swell as Hard Target, but quality stuff all the same.

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Any other fans of Ricky-Oh aka the Story Of Ricky?

 

It's a 1991 ultra violent martial arts film set in a corrupt prison. It's so over the top and bloody, it's totally bat shit insane. Words can't really do it justice, Ricky is the toughest action protagonist I've ever seen in a film.

 

The early 90s super gore effects are almost comical they're so mental but they really add to it's charm.

 

story_of_ricky3.jpg

 

Check it out everyone, it makes all the other movies in here look like baby unicorn cuddling films.

 

Crank is amazing, the first one is one of the best films ever, I also echo the love for showdown in little Tokyo and the early Seagal ones, he was great in the first couple of years of the 90s. Ong bak & warrior king are great too, don't think they've been mentioned. Arnie & Sly classics go without saying . I have an original cinema poster of first blood from 1982 hanging in my living room which is pretty cool. I never get sick of watching the first Terminator, it's been my favourite film my whole life & I still go to see it whenever a cult or popup cinema shows it in London.

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Showdown In Little Tokyo is ace, Branquey. Pitcos might come along and tell you otherwise

Well yeah. Showdown in Little Tokyo is shit. Or at least the first half hour is. I didn't watch much beyond that. You might be thinking of Big Trouble in Little China, that's good.

 

Speaking of which.... New Jack City baby! Classic. I know I've seen some other films made by and/or starring Mario Van Peebles, but can't remember the names of any of them. Did he make anything else that is worth watching?

He was the baddie in Highlander 3. And he did another film with Christopher Lambert, called Gunmen. I bought it in a double-pack VHS with Fortress (Lambert's sci-fi prison break film) from Blackpool HMV in about 1996.

 

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"For these guys there's only one way to settle a score. The hard way!"

 

Although I've seen Fortress probably five or ten times over the years, and even bought it on DVD from a petrol station, I don't think I ever watched Gunmen more than once. I remember there being a boat involved, and Lambert's character couldn't read, so he kept getting on the wrong boat or something like that. The actual plot is completely lost to me, I think Van Peebles was a cop and Lambert was a thief and they had to buddy up to take down the villain. The trailer doesn't make it much clearer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omMZGy0io2o

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Gunmen is pretty good. You can't hate a film that pairs Denis Leary and Patrick Stewart as the chief bad guys.

 

I've seen Fortress loads of times. I watched it again recently and it was still pretty good. Kurtwood Smith is a bit of a crap bad guy as they completely waste him but you do get Bennett from Commando trying to bum rape Christopher Walken.

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I remember there being a boat involved, and Lambert's character couldn't read, so he kept getting on the wrong boat or something like that. The actual plot is completely lost to me, I think Van Peebles was a cop and Lambert was a thief and they had to buddy up to take down the villain.

 

One of the best reviews I have ever read and genuinely makes me want to see this film.

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Between dead Mike's earlier post and Pitcos, I would love to read more reviews of half-remembered not very good Mario van Peebles movies :thumbsup:

 

Years ago I watched a Mario Van Peebles film on TV with my dad (my dad loves shit sci fi action movies) Mario played a robot soldier who got sent to the jungle, I seem to remember him becoming friends with a village of locals and I don't remember anything else but it's safe to assume if a robot soldier becomes friends with a village in the jungle he'll probably go all Rambo and help them defeat some baddies.

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Delta_force_poster.jpg

 

Norris, Marvin, a plot inspired by real life events (very loosely) and a killer soundtrack...oh and a motorcycle that fired missiles.

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Between dead Mike's earlier post and Pitcos, I would love to read more reviews of half-remembered not very good Mario van Peebles movies :thumbsup:

 

Years ago I watched a Mario Van Peebles film on TV with my dad (my dad loves shit sci fi action movies) Mario played a robot soldier who got sent to the jungle, I seem to remember him becoming friends with a village of locals and I don't remember anything else but it's safe to assume if a robot soldier becomes friends with a village in the jungle he'll probably go all Rambo and help them defeat some baddies.

 

There's also the one where he's a cop, but also a werewolf or something and you see Patsy Kensit's tits again.

 

MVP is a funny one - he alternates terrible DTD style films with "serious" black history films like Panther or Ali.

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Showdown in Little Tokyo is fuckin' savage! Thanks Gladders and Matrix. Really enjoyed it...cannot believe I haven't seen it before or never bothered with. The 12 year old in me is actually disgusted that he wasn't shown this when it was released!!!!!

 

I watched Predators again after that. It's alright, not that bad and Brody is half decent in parts, but his snout is very distracting it has to be said. His face looks like it would if he was a cartoon and it got caught in a hoover. I can't take him seriously because of that, let alone somebody who threatens a Predator face to face, but for the most part, it's not the worst way to spend two hours.

 

My routine is usually, missus goes to bed at 10pm, I do me little lass' feed, put her asleep on my chest and watch two flicks, feed her inbetween and bring her up to bed for my missus to start the nightshift.

I'm on a manly movie buzz now thanks to you cunts, so any recommendations for tonight?

 

EDIT - Patsy was a daisy for getting her beestings out, wasn't she? I remember a flick with her and the great Michael Biehn called Timeslop or Ripslide or something and she had them out in that as well. I'd say she had a pink bumhole though...or bleached. Wouldn't be into that carry on.

 

Van Peebles was a strange one in Ali. He was magnificent in some parts and other parts he looked like he'd forgot his lines...

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Speaking of which.... New Jack City baby! Classic. I know I've seen some other films made by and/or starring Mario Van Peebles, but can't remember the names of any of them. Did he make anything else that is worth watching?

I have a soft spot for the series but Highlander 3 has him as the main villain. Dou BT it would be worth watching unless you love highlander flicks.

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