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Movies that make your balls swell (sorry ladies)


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Randall, Randall, Randall....

 

Hard Target is a fucking amazing film. Van Damme's finest hour. Arguably John Woo's, too. And Henriksen. And everyone else involved in it's finest respective hours as well. That's a lot of hours; the numbers don't lie.

 

The crossbow gun is still one of the best weapons I've seen in an action movie, and it has a lot to do with the way they used it. Right from the off, the opening hunt sets the tone brilliantly.

 

Pik is a cold ass killer.

 

 

 

Uncle Douvee is a brilliantly surly cajun.

 

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"Nah, a gator ate it.."

 

True to Van Damme, Chance Boudreaux is the baddest man with a stupid name you could imagine; and unrelenting force for justice.

 

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Nat does "damsel in distress" as well you can expect from a woman in a 90s action film.

 

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There are some amazing action sequences throughout. Some highlights including the hunt mentioned earlier, the hunt later in the film that goes wrong when the pussy businessman can't commit to the kill, and the big showdown in the clown warehouse or whatever the fuck that place is.

 

 

 

 

Also, completely unrelated to the above, but fuck Chuck Norris. He's shit.

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Oh, Chest.

 

You're spot on with Hard Target, great film, but you really need to watch some more Chuck Norris. The film I mentioned above is a good start. Fuck all this internet Chuck Norris bullshit, just go watch his early films, he's ace.

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Hard Target is definitely Van Damme's best film. People will try and make a case for Bloodsport and even JCVD but they're completely wrong. Hard Target is also John Woo's best American film and one of the best action films of the 1990s. Arnold Vosloo is particularly great in it.

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Hard Target is a fucking beautiful film, and a reminder of just how good Van Damme could be before his permanent transition into the straight to video market.

 

Re-watched Expendables 2 at the weekend, and although I love it for what it is, effectively a greatest hits compilation, Van Damme is fucking magnificent as Vilain, absolutely creepy and ruthless just as I said I wanted the bad guy in Last Stand to be in the other thread, and some of his stuff in the out takes is even better, just really nutsy loose cannon stuff.

 

In terms of ridiculous character names, Oliver Grunier

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Thank fuck there's an appreciation for Hard Target! It's an immense statement by all involved. An absolute belter of a movie and one I have watched countless times over the years.

It shits all over Face/Off which many believe to be his best US flick. Fuck your symbolism and intelligent action, give me Chance Bodreaux knocking a snake spark out any day:

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I actually think Sudden Death is another Van Damme great. Many disagree with me, but at least it's better than Die Hard 2.

 

Any love for the man who made me want to go the distance in Aikido training, Steven Seagal? Nico, Out For Justice, Under Siege and The Glimmer Man are four crackers!

I also love in Hard to Kill, they ensured mention of the fact that he is also the bearer of an exceptional sized cock!

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I must admit, in my youth the manliest man in the history of men was Indi. Definitely not the hardest or responsible for the most spectacular moments, but he didn't take any shit. Responsible for one of my favourite moments from any movie, ever.

 

"FUCK THIS."

 

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Probably on my own in that respect.

 

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Is that the closest in cinematic history we've ever come to somebody receiving death by X-Factor?

 

Although it must be said, while a fairly obvious thing to say, my favourite moment from any of the movies you lot have mentioned so far was nothing to do with any of the men, but Erika Eleniak. Which reminds me, I need to rewatch Chasers some time soon.

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Showdown In Little Tokyo is ace, Branquey. Pitcos might come along and tell you otherwise but he has terrible taste in films. Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa is an absolute hero.

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The greatest movie Seagal ever put his name too is Out for Justice, ive watched about 20 times in the past 3 years. Seagal at his best and William Forsythe busting out one of cinemas most underrated bad guys, its fucking amazing.

 

...oh and if we're talking Chuck Norris, we're talking Delta Force...i swear to god i grew my first pube when i first saw Chuck fire rockets from his motorbike.

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I've not seen it since the 90's and some would say its a rip off but Surviving the Game starring Ice T was always a good companion piece to Hard Target with similar themes of hunting homeless folk for fun, only released a year apart as well!

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I've not seen it since the 90's and some would say its a rip off but Surviving the Game starring Ice T was always a good companion piece to Hard Target with similar themes of hunting homeless folk for fun, only released a year apart as well!

Fucking brilliant shout. One of my guilty pleasures. I used to go round to my mates way back in 1995 and watch that and Mortal Kombat back to back on dodgy VHS pirate nearly every evening for about two months.

When I used to smoke, and I'd run out, if I saw a decent butt on the ground I'd pick it up and smoke it and think 'Well, if Ice-T did it, it must be okay'.

I got a lot of cold sores back then.

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