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Movies that make your balls swell (sorry ladies)


John Matrix

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I love you John Matrix!!!

Can I just add that Predator is the manliest movie of all time?

From Alan Silvestri's majestic score, to the manliest handshake on celluloid between Dutch and Dillon, to Blane's tobacco chewing and the slack jawed faggots refusing to do so, to Billy's shockingly masculine laugh, to Dutch lifting a truck up by himself, to Blane not having time to bleed, to the mini gun, to Mac stabbing a squealing hog in slow motion, to the boy scout bullshit actually working, to Mac shaving his face without a lubricating aid, to said blade breaking because his face was too manly for it, to Billy cutting himself and taking the Predator on one to one, to Dutch saving Anna and taking a shot somewhere I never understood, to his fall off a cliff, down a waterfall and outwitting the Predator, to building magnificent traps out of tree, shrubbery, muck, gunpowder and common sense, to the manliest roar I have ever heard in my life, to the hunter becoming the hunted, to Dutch calling the Predator an ugly motherfucker to his face, to the hand to hand combat, to the most virile call for death of all time, to making the Predator feel so inadequate it killed itself, to the daring, resolute and macho dive into the ditch, to the defiant, superlative stance amongst the seemingly nuclear carnage, to the final, accepting stare out the window.

 

EDIT - I'd like to give a nod to Payback as one of the manliest movies ever made, with a cracking lead turn from Gibbo:

 

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Can't wait to watch The Raid, it's on the list.

 

Rewatched Dredd on the weekend on DVD, and that's pretty fucking manly. There's a number of ball-swelling moments in that, usually summary executions. When Dredd throws the guy off the balcony, as a fuck-you to MaMa, is classy.

 

I could wax lyrical all day about Die Hard, Under Siege and Rambo, all top examples of the type, but there are quite a few less well known films with similar properties. I don't think Lone Wolf McQuade gets enough love, for example. It conforms to all your rules, John, plus it's kind of a modern western, and it's got Chuck Norris and David Carradine in. There's even a midget bad guy in it, for good measure.

 

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Now THAT'S a metaphor.

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I'm a right bell. Not seen the Raid yet, despite being a huge fan of the HK action style which by all accounts it seems to emulate.

 

Noticed it down to a fiver in most places now so i need to pick it up sharpish. On the subject of Norris, there are fewer more manly video covers than this bad boy:

 

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America wasn't ready....but he was. Oh fucking YES! That is right up there with smelling them coming in terms of manlyness.

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This ticks all the boxes. Stars the original 'American Ninja' Michael Dudikoff & the heir to his throne David Bradley. Plus, it's got a scene where Dudikoff catches the bolt from a crossbow with his teeth & with a single whip of his neck throws said bolt out his gob & kills a baddie ninja!! As action scenes go that's nearly up there with the 'rat in a bag' bit in 'Missing In Action 2'.

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american_ninja_four_the_annihilation.jpg

 

This ticks all the boxes. Stars the original 'American Ninja' Michael Dudikoff & the heir to his throne David Bradley. Plus, it's got a scene where Dudikoff catches the bolt from a crossbow with his teeth & with a single whip of his neck throws said bolt out his gob & kills a baddie ninja!! As action scenes go that's nearly up there with the 'rat in a bag' bit in 'Missing In Action 2'.

 

Believe it or not, and i cant quite myself, i've never seen the American Ninja films although i did see the second one recently on Sky, and the scene you've described is up there with the one where Dudikoff takes an arrow in the hand, pulls it out and lobs it back spearing some ninja between the eyes. Good shit.

 

I'm gonna throw Rolling Thunder starring William Devane in the mix. Also, Man on Fire (Denzel's one). Both ludicrously manly movies!

 

Man on Fire is on telly this week, whats the score? I could read a poncy review online somewhere, but i think we've established my level.

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Dudikoff takes an arrow in the hand, pulls it out and lobs it back spearing some ninja between the eyes. Good shit.

That moment changed me as a person. And by that I mean I've had quite a nasty scar on my hand since the afternoon I watched that for the first time.

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Man On Fire is great, I think. Denzel is a cold hearted bastard, but you can definitely root for him. What's more natural than the love of a small white girl for her hulking black bodyguard? Nothing weird there.

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Rolling Thunder sounds good, not seen that.

It's weird seeing Devane play an absolute headcase, after seeing him as rich sleaze so many times, but he's great in the role. Well worth the watch and the king of what's now known as Revengesploitation. Is that even a term? It fucking should be! Or GettingThemBacksploitation? Non! And to see Tommy Lee Jones in 1977 still look 63 years of age is a sight to see.

I'd love Ryan Gosling to spoon me, and I think he's the manliest of manly at the moment, so Drive and Place Beyond the Pines would be two new age manly ball swinging movies for me.

Funnily enough, The Driver by Walter Hill is very similar in character tone to Drive, and although not as good, still a good balls out man's movie.

 

EDIT - Wholeheartedly recommend Man on Fire, Matrix. As Loki said, Big Denzel is a ruthless bastard but relatable and likeable to boot. Plus, he sticks a bomb up somebody's arsehole...

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Die-Hard.jpg

 

Die Hard

 

It's just incredible. A cool as fuck cop who comes to see his wife from New York during the failing of their marriage. He surprises her at her work-do and The Germanz invade the building. They raid the building like the nWo raided the Disney MGM Studios in 1996, take hostages and plan to empty the vault. This all doesn't go to plan as McClane hides up in the elevator shaft, similar to Sting in the rafters and constructs a plan to take down the outsiders. McClane plays mindgames with The Germanz and kills them one by one. The pay off of the film comes off when the roof blows up and McClane throws Hans Gruber off the 30th floor of the sold out Nakatomi Plaza. McClane and his wife celebrate the victory, kiss and live happily ever after. Perfect.

 

Then they brought out an alright sequel.

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