Calling all writers: UKFF Writersroom/Workshop

[Devon Malcolm]

I write reviews of pornographic websites for FreeOnes, have written over 30 short biographies for various porn stars, as well as some dating site copywriting but decided to take a step back from a lot of it while my wife makes far more money than I ever could in a day doing it by showing her knockers to strangers on the internet.

 

So I'm taking the opportunity to work some more on my book about internet porn which I'm hoping will be finished by the autumn and will be planning on flogging haplessly around publishers. I'm planning follow-ups about the history of British porn and the gestation of fetishes as well. I also do regular film reviews on my Letterboxd although not so many recently as I've been ill and busy. I'll be starting these up again tonight.

 

I really wanted to be a cricket writer but I could never be arsed trying to get myself noticed. I think I'd have been pretty good, though.

[Up Chuck]

Up Chuck usually writes chunks of stuff.

 

Such a perfect description I briefly considered using it as my Twitter profile. I have mostly done shorter pieces, but I'm in the planning stages of a novel that I've previously tried to start writing twice but abandoned when it became clear it was a bit naff. Leaving it then thinking it through more before just spilling out words has been tremendously useful, and while I've still got nothing on the page in order, I feel like my collection of notes, scribbles and grabs of dialogue have me much closer to a real novel than I've been yet. I'm going to have 15,000 words done by September, no matter how good they are, because that's when I'm handing in a chunk of it as my Masters dissertation. Got a couple of weeks before I've got a shorter piece due for that, too, so I need to get cracking on that.

 

Great idea for a thread, this. I hope it sticks around. In that spirit, let's start sharing some stuff, yeah? Here's a short story I did a while back called Belief. Stick with it, because it's very simplistic in style, but for reasons which will become clear. Quite short too.

 

BELIEF

 

Peter descends back into the chasm of the sofa.

 

 

[Chris B]

I liked the Clarkson idea. It's a one-joke story, but it's a fun joke, so it carries it off.

 

I'll throw in something, then. This is a small story I put online a while back, and I'm rather fond of it. It's a little bit sweet and sad.

 

The Knight in the Library

 

The forgotten characters sit quietly in the library. They look at each other occasionally with sad and sometimes hopeful smiles.

 

They are afforded privileges based on age and popularity. After all, an older, popular character has lost more than a minor character in a recent novel.

 

Once, some of them were loved. Once, some of them inspired people. Now, they sit there, gathering dust.

 

He is one of the oldest of them. A Knight, who was one of the group that inspired the Knights of Camelot. One of the group who fought alongside of the original King Arthur, but one who had failed to be recreated the second time around, and who had just grown progressively more forgotten.

 

Every day, he comes in, and sits patiently, hoping to be remembered. He does not complain. He does not feel sad. He is a Knight and Knights have dignity.

 

Also, every day, he gets to see her. The ancient African princess, who is beautiful, wise and kind. She makes every one of his days better, and the endless purgatory worthwhile. They don't talk much. Nobody talks much after so long. But they always find something new to say each day, and they always make eye contact, and he can always make her smile.

 

She likes to see him. Some days, that's all that matters.

 

Today, he waits, and she does not come.

 

He looks around the library, but she is nowhere. He talks to the world's first detective (a fat Chinese man who laughs a lot) and he talks to the golden calf (that spoke to Eve in the garden and became so popular that God himself got annoyed) but neither of them know why. But neither of them care as much as he does.

 

The Knight has only rarely spoken to the Librarian. There has never been any need. But today, he clears his throat and enquires after the princess.

 

"Oh, her? Got rediscovered", the Librarian says. "Some fantasy writer sort of updated her, and the book came out this week. Very good reviews. There may even be a movie. You won't see her back again."

 

The knight thanks the librarian, and makes his way back to his normal chair, where he sits and waits.

 

He looks at her chair, but it is empty.

 

He waits.

 

And waits.

 

Waits.

 

And waits.

 

Patiently.

[Scott Malbranque]

I've got a blog but I stopped because it was shite.

Same here! At least yours is intelligently written and witty.

Mine is just highlighting some underlying issue that I most likely have with my penis :

burstballoonknot.blogspot.com

 

Here's a set of lyrics for a song in progress about falling in love with a tranny:

Jeremiah's Purple Yo-Yo

(1)

OH SHIT! EMERGENCY!!

Hallucinating, fornicating with a grain of vanity

Could I trouble you for some tissue to mop up my insanity?

I

[mim731]

I have been writing film reviews for Screenjabber.com a couple of years, attending press conferences, doing a few interviews here and there as well, and regular podcasts. I took over the wrestling and MMA review 'section' (they're just in with the other dvd reviews until the site relaunches later in the year when it will have a dedicated section). It's really fun, but it's more of a hobby than anything as I'm a fairly average writer when it comes to reviews, though if I can offer advice I will gladly! I'm an excellent proof reader, mostly because that factors into my day job, if that's any help!

 

I have however almost finished an MA in Screenwriting, building up a relatively solid portfolio of work in the process, and will be shopping around for a literary agent after the course finishes. Has anyone had much experience on that front? It seems pretty daunting.

[PowerButchi]

One day I was given a title on Twitter and an hour to write a story. Here it is.

 

Richard Madeley's All Star Select XI

[JNLister]

I make sure the adverts on webpages don't bump into one another.

[Fatty Facesitter]

I'm embarking on something on an email spree this weekend, contacting some authors and trying to decipher a few pearls of wisdom from them. If anything good crops up, which I hope it will, I'll pass them on in here.

 

Currently I'm writing stuff for 411Mania; Just a few old show reviews and the odd contribution to their roundtable PPV predictions, best of the week etc. It's not the website it used to be, but there's still snippets of good content on there every once in a while. I've made a deliberate decision to use a different format from a traditional show review (which are basically move for move recaps with star ratings) and instead, I've gone down the non-linear route, starting with the biggest talking point from said show and expanding on it as if it were a feature article rather than a match report.

 

They're a bit wordy so I won't quote them on here, but if anyone has a few minutes to kill (paging Mr.Lister!), I'd be grateful if someone could give me some critique on one of them. This is one of my better entries so far, I think: Canvas Critique No Way Out 2000.

 

I'd love to write a string on non-fiction books across a range of different topics. Wrestling is one of them and I'm working on something at the moment which I think has some legs in it. Of course, I'm still very naive and blinded by optimism so it probably hasn't, but I'll keep the faith for now and maybe go into more detail soon.

 

Two other topics I adore are football (There's a bucketload of Norwich City books. Some, like those penned by a chap called Edward Couzens-Lake, are great. Others not so much.) and in particular the Mustard Army. I'm also something of a train anorak, and unless I'm mistaken there's still something of a demand for railway books, certainly from a heritage perspective. I'd love to get the chance to get a book out for those and a bunch of other subjects. I'd also like to do something on retro gaming, though I'd imagine that would be more of a collaborative thing as my gaming knowledge is somewhat limited (there's a good start)

 

Glad to see so many people taking an interest in this already.

[Chris B]

I have however almost finished an MA in Screenwriting, building up a relatively solid portfolio of work in the process, and will be shopping around for a literary agent after the course finishes. Has anyone had much experience on that front? It seems pretty daunting.

 

Do your research. A lot of people make the mistake of approaching every agent they can find.

 

We had a publisher talking to our writing group earlier this week. They suggest marking anything you send 'personal', as it's more likely to end up directly on their desk. It's also worth contacting them first. Email or tweet or whatever, but ask them to explain how to send them stuff. Then you can use "as requested" early in your letter. And don't worry about sending it to one-at-a-time. Find your list that you want to target, then just send it to them.

 

Other than that, do actually follow (mostly) what they request for their submission guidelines. If it's an email submission, I think you can safely ignore that and send your entire novel/script rather than a segment.

[Astro Hollywood]

Horrible REAL TALK in this post. You'll probably be able to crosspost this into the depression thread with no worries.

 

Writing is the only thing I give a shit about. I never went in for a social life or a family, or having a Plan B, and I ploughed everything into that. Obviously I've written a bunch of stuff, and I'm always hawking it in my sigs and stuff, but the best thing I ever did, by far, is something nobody's ever seen. I spent two years on a novel, with nine months of pure research, and two years on from finishing, I've still not shifted it to an agent or publisher. Admittedly, there have been plenty of stretches of months where I've just pushed it aside and tried to forget about it, but I've been living with this thing forever, and it now feels like I'll never get it out there. As an achievement, I'm convinced I'll probably never top it. It's my epic. My masterpiece. But it's homeless. See, it revolves around a... historical figure who's been covered numerous times in art, but never really cracked, and I (arrogantly) feel like I'm the only one who's been able to do that in a convincing way. Those films you see about writers who drive themselves to the brink of madness trying to unlock the evasive mysteries of a piece of art; I lived that, and still do, while this thing hangs around my neck, unsold. It's bad enough having to get so completely obsessive about something that it's going to change who you are as a person, but when the end result never happens, there's no closure. If not for a really sweet, really encouraging personal letter from the (big) first publisher that said no about how great and how marketable it was, I'd probably have flung it, and myself, off the end of the pier by now.

 

If you're curious, it's this guy

 

Couple that with seven years of trying to make people give a fuck about all the other stuff I'm putting out there, and I've reached the end of the road for me and prose, at least for the foreseeable future. I'm so burnt out on the soul-crushing nature of self-promotion, and people not giving a shit when it's becoming imperative for my actual survival that they do, that I could very well shoot a Last of McGuinness-style movie about jacking it all in. I'll still write, just nothing anyone will see; screenplays that I'll try to sell, or, if I can somehow scramble together some money (wildly unlikely) that I can shoot myself, Shane Carruth-style.

[Up Chuck]

I have however almost finished an MA in Screenwriting, building up a relatively solid portfolio of work in the process, and will be shopping around for a literary agent after the course finishes. Has anyone had much experience on that front? It seems pretty daunting.

 

Do your research. A lot of people make the mistake of approaching every agent they can find.

 

We had a publisher talking to our writing group earlier this week. They suggest marking anything you send 'personal', as it's more likely to end up directly on their desk. It's also worth contacting them first. Email or tweet or whatever, but ask them to explain how to send them stuff. Then you can use "as requested" early in your letter. And don't worry about sending it to one-at-a-time. Find your list that you want to target, then just send it to them.

 

Other than that, do actually follow (mostly) what they request for their submission guidelines. If it's an email submission, I think you can safely ignore that and send your entire novel/script rather than a segment.

 

The only place to start researching is to pick up a copy of the Writers and Artists' Yearbook. Tons of agents and publishers in it, and it lays out exactly what they're interested in. Definitely start by going for an agent, because they put in a lot of hours on the proofreading and editing side of things nowdays. Publishers don't like doing that so much any more.

 

Woy, keep pushing with the Manson book. And if you think you're the only one who can do him justice, embrace that. BE arrogant about it. Keep sending it to agents, please, because [love thread material incoming] you're a wonderful writer and you are more than capable of making a go of it as a profession if you get the chance, for the very reasons you've laid out as to why you're so immersed in it in the first place. If you've got twenty quid spare (I know you often don't, but if you ever do) do pick up the Writers and Artists' Yearbook. In fact, I'm gonna get a copy because I haven't for a while and I could do with one, so I'll point you (and anyone else in here who needs it, natch) to anyone I think might be interested.

 

Fuck, dude, a sorry-no-thanks from a big publisher at all is more than most people get in a lifetime, let alone with the addendum that the thing you've got is actually worth pursuing. Don't let it die. Time is on your side, too, because as a historically-focussed work it won't decrease in cultural value at any point.

[robbo9292]

This is a good thread for me, something i've been wanting to do recently is write but i just don't know where to start.

[Chris B]

The only place to start researching is to pick up a copy of the Writers and Artists' Yearbook. Tons of agents and publishers in it, and it lays out exactly what they're interested in. Definitely start by going for an agent, because they put in a lot of hours on the proofreading and editing side of things nowdays. Publishers don't like doing that so much any more.

 

While that is definitely good, also check websites for specific website information. Stalk around on twitter too. Find out what agents like. I found mine because she mentioned on her website profile that she likes to read thrillers, so I submitted to her even though it wasn't the kind of thing she would normally represent - luckily, she liked it. Hasn't sold yet, but it certainly got my stuff read by the right people.

 

Woy, keep pushing with the Manson book. And if you think you're the only one who can do him justice, embrace that. BE arrogant about it. Keep sending it to agents, please, because [love thread material incoming] you're a wonderful writer and you are more than capable of making a go of it as a profession if you get the chance, for the very reasons you've laid out as to why you're so immersed in it in the first place. If you've got twenty quid spare (I know you often don't, but if you ever do) do pick up the Writers and Artists' Yearbook. In fact, I'm gonna get a copy because I haven't for a while and I could do with one, so I'll point you (and anyone else in here who needs it, natch) to anyone I think might be interested.

 

Fuck, dude, a sorry-no-thanks from a big publisher at all is more than most people get in a lifetime, let alone with the addendum that the thing you've got is actually worth pursuing. Don't let it die. Time is on your side, too, because as a historically-focussed work it won't decrease in cultural value at any point.

 

Also, all of this. Woy's fucking superb.

[HarmonicGenerator]

Writers of fiction: how much research and background reading do you do? Do you do it before writing, during, or while you're editing and re-drafting? It's one aspect I've never been much good at with fiction - I prefer to just go for it while the idea is hot in my head and let it go where it goes, but it's kind of limiting when the idea is something which isn't entirely imaginative.

 

Example: I had an idea I liked for a story about Spring-Heeled Jack. What I'd written wasn't much good because I didn't do my research, but if I'd done all my research first, that initial spark of inspiration probably would have gone out (and in fact it did... well, that, or my idea just wasn't that good). What's the best way to get round that? One of the ideas currently knocking around in my head is going to require a hell of a lot of background reading before I can get started on plot or anything like that. What's the best way to go about it?

[Up Chuck]

I've never written much that needed a lot of research, but the current thing I'm doing requires a bit of it. I'm in the planning-cum-early-writing stage and I'm just looking up stuff as and when I think of it. It's nothing too intensive, because like you say, that can kill your flow sometimes. I think you just have to start yourself off on things that are easy to research and build up, just like with the length of pieces (start short so you know how to have command of a whole piece, then get longer as things necessitate it).

 

With Spring-Heeled Jack, though, surely all that's out there is folk stories, no? I'd imagine you'd have pretty much free reign with a lot of that. What was it that derailed it factually? It's obviously possible that you just weren't feeling it any more, and looking up some stuff and finding it didn't match might've been the nail in the coffin.