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Useless wrestling figures


FrankCastle

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The posts in the "First Mag, First Video, First Figure" thread got me thinking about some of the 1990's Hasbro WWE figures that I found a bit pointless. I made the best of them, but for various reasons they annoyed me.

 

1. Rowdy Roddy Piper

 

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He wasn't in his wrestling gear, which will feature in some other entries, but be couldn't do any moves, couldn't pin anyone and couldn't be pinned. Just wished they'd done him in his wrestling gear. This also goes for the following:

 

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Stuck together leg syndrome and entrance attire disease

 

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Entrance attire disease, which also affected

 

and

 

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who also had a gammy leg.

 

2. Big Boss Man (original)

 

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Glasses on, straight legs, couldn't do any moves, too fat to be pinned, which also goes for:

 

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And finally:

 

3. Undertaker/Sgt Slaughter

 

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I really wanted to take your hats off, but I couldn't. Damn you.

 

DISCLAIMER: This is all a bit of fun - I loved my WWF figures really!

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Said it before and I'll say it again;

 

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I was a bit of a Ron Simmons fan as a kid but this was a shite figure. One arm stuck to his chest, and what was he wearing? Big Ron didn't wrestle in gay little white Gola or whatever they were on his feet.

 

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I wasn't a fan of the legs stuck together line of Hasbros anyway but this little fucker with all the sharp bits all over the shop brought the added risk of hurting yourself as well.

 

Wasn't a fan of the headlock Hasbros like Flair and Rude either actually.

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SKINNER

 

looseskinnerfront.JPG

 

Awful. Legs, waist or head didn't move. May as well have been a shitty early 90s WCW figure.

 

 

RICK RUDE/RIC FLAIR

 

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Just look at what they did to their arms! Apart from a bulldog and a DDT, these cack figures had no offence in them whatsoever.

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I know it isn't a hasbro, bit this was the first thing that sprung to mind when I saw the title

 

The uselessness lies in the background...

 

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Rey Mysterio!, whom sadly was advertised as 'Wrestler' on the packaging, the lower part of his body didn't move at all (you cound break them down the middle with a little force) his upper half was rubbery, and he had a small cable that stuck out so Goldberg could slam him.

 

So in a sense, does that make Goldberg useless as well? seing as though the only other figure he could slam is 'Wrestler'?

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After initially loving how awesome the LOD figures looked, I hated them six weeks later when the spikes all just looked like little nipples because the paint had rubbed off. I disagree with Dibiase and Honky though, both designs are really vibrant, they've got good lock-ups on them and Honky's legs were good for pinfalls, and figure-four leg locks (lesbian scissoring). I'd argue the Noel Edmonds Dibiase was worse because he had the straight inactive legs and the arms with the weak mechanisms that succumed to gravity after your seventh iron man match with Virgil. Dragon's a good shout for worst ever because of those fucking spikes. And yeah, Piper was rubbish, but I hated Piper so he never got pushed that much anyway.

 

This might not be a popular one, but I didn't care for bearhug Hogan. That one long cuddle is basically your lot with him. You'd put somebody in that grip, and then what? Yeah, maybe you could give somebody big piledrivers by dropping the figures from a big height, but generally they'd stay entwined, almost romantically post-coitus, laying there until you clumsily separated them to carry on the match. You couldn't lie him on his front, you couldn't put a guy on top the cover, Hogan couldn't swing a punch, he was pretty shit. I got that Hogan from the car boot, and never used him. The other three Hogan's were shit hot workers too, they all had their own strengths, even if shirtless Hulk forgot to get on the sunbed. Bearhug was a distant, distant fourth.

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Black suit Million Dollar Man was better.

 

Got to disagree with that Bossman view, he could throw people, smash their heads in with his night stick, and also looked like he was doing a great splash.

 

I was always slightly annoyed you couldn't perform a decent DDT with Jake.

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I disagree with Dibiase and Honky though, both designs are really vibrant, they've got good lock-ups on them and Honky's legs were good for pinfalls, and figure-four leg locks (lesbian scissoring).

 

I think my dislike for both of them came from the fact they had to wrestle in their entrance attire, which I hated.

 

Which is why I hated these figures...

 

loosemonty.JPG

 

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