If the UKFF had been around in....

[Keith Houchen]

Loki would be wanking over Christina Ricci.

[Steevi]

Here is my bash at what a UKFF post previewing the Rumble might look like :

 

Bret Hart vs Razor Ramon

Why is this jumped-up midcarder getting a shot at the World title? This is a terrible title match and reeks of "they know the PPV will sell from the Rumble itself so lets throw some new shit at the wall and see if it sticks." Having said that, as good as Bret/Shawn was at Survivors it felt a bit like they got the card mixed up and let the IC match go on last again. Bret will never feel like a real champion if they keep feeding him nobodies (Papa Shango WTF) or talented workers that arent main event names yet like Shawn. I think Macho Man needs to take the belt back if it's true Flair is leaving, or else they'll wait til Vince forgives Warrior and brings him back again. Bret will win convincingly.

 

Steiner Brothers vs Beverly Brothers

What a waste of time this will be. You've just signed the best tag team in the world. Don't fanny around with these losers, put the belts on them and never look back. DiBiase and Irwin were thrown together to get the belts off LOD, why are they still champions?? Actually Vince should just go get himself the LOD back and they might have a tag team title match worth watching for a change.

 

Shawn Michaels vs Marty Jannetty

Well, this has been a long time coming and we all know why (sniff sniff eh Marty). Basically the classic wrestling storytelling means Marty will take the belt from his dickhead former partner, the only question is if they do it here or wait til Mania. They seem on a bit of a "too much too soon" run at the moment (Bret as champion, Razor getting a title match) so I think the former. Marty takes it so Shawn can move to main event full time like Bret. They seem to want the better wrestlers at the top and thats been Shawn since he started wrestling Bret last spring. Anything other than a Jannetty win pisses on the fans and makes Marty look a chump. Oh, I don't care whose corner Sherri is in, as long as it's nearest the camera, fap fap fap. I bet she has a lovely big bush to go with those lovely big jugs.

 

Big Boss Man vs Bam Bam Bigelow

Tough one to call. Boss Man is on a role and never jobs in singles on PPV, and if he were in the Rumble, he'd win it. But then. Triple B is the bomb since he dropped that cartwheel shit, got serious and went to Japan and came back mills better than before. Japan makes you better, always. Plus Bammer paid some serious dues getting his skull inked. I'd almost not decided who would win but then I remembered Bosom Man's deal is coming up, so he'll do the JOB to BBB on the PPV.

 

RRRRRRUMBLE

Well, Undertaker won't win will he. Harvey has a surprise for Taker. Based on the fact Undertaker just finished with Kamala (WTF) then his surprise is probably going to be King Kong Bundy, One Man Gang or someone of that ilk. I might even have been tempted to say Andre but by all accounts he isn't too sprightly these days. Crush has been booked quite strongly lately but they're shaping Mania with this one, and I think they'll go one of two ways. If they're serious about going with the better wrestlers, Perfect has recaptured everyone's attention with his comeback and a Hart/Perfect main event would fit the bill nicely for wrestling. On the other hand, you have to draw on PPV so the most "main event" match they have on paper would be Hitman v Macho Man, two out of the last four men to hold the belt and it seems they'll have neither The Hulkster or Flair around for Mania this time. Fuck em, I say. Hogan can't work and never could, and if Flair wants to go back down south, he's admitting he's past it. Of course, they could throw us a curveball. My dark horse is Tatanka, they've pushed this undefeated gimmick a lot, we'd be idiots to think it won't go somewhere. Still, considering what should go on top of Mania.... going with Macho Man.

 

As for Starrcade

It's all so indy isn't it? Veritable smorgasborg of "has beens" and "never wills". Some lads the WWF passed on or let go will have some good matches, but no one will care. No one cares about Japan either. The only thing that anyone will care about is who keeps the belt warm for Flair, which surely to God will be Rude. Actually he's looked damn good for months now and probably still has some name value, he'd probably be a good shout for a WWF comeback if he hadn't left in acrimonious circumstances. But yeah.... WcW. They try hard and do have some great matches, but they'll always be too small-time Southern rasslin to be anything other than distant number 2.

 

Why wasn't Savage Wrestling at Mania instead of overselling the Hulkster on commentary?