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UKFF Confessional


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What timing.


Last night I had a dream, and no it wasn't children of all colours and creed holding hands under a rainbow. I had a dream that I was put on trial, by you. The UKFF.


It was very real but surreal, I was in a courthouse while IANdrewdiceclay claimed I should be banished and have my left leg removed for mocking someone's youtube video. Of course I don't know what you look like so the roles were filled in by people from school and the thatguywiththeglasses.com. But you were identified by name. At one point, after being accused of using Ethiopia as a weapon, I tried to subpoena neil.


I'm an odd little duck aren't I?

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Hang on, last time we did this, didn't someone end up confessing to date rape?

Last time we did a thread similar to this last year, we found out the UKFF is filled with the lowest pit of slime on the internet. Island of Used Johnny's.



A thread so horrendous, the mods had to put a disclaimer warning viewers to "bleach eyes after use".

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So here's one I remembered about recently. Possibly the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me, which is probably why I blocked it out. Only about 5 people in the world know this story (and it was one of them that reminded me about it earlier this week). My wife doesn't even know. I will now share it with you.


In 2004 I went to New York to see Wrestlemania XX. After that was out the way I had to occupy myself for the rest of the week by sight seeing, generally just milling around and of course venturing into adult shops. It was whilst I was in one of these shops that at the back were some booths, which I obviously thought were those booths that show porn. That is until I see sexy little ladies coming out of them. Intrigued I take a closer look, and it's actually a booth, separated by glass, where they strip and you wank. I had a look at the board to see how much it was, $30 for 5 minutes. Easy, I thought. I paid $20 to the chap at the cash register and was told to pay $10 to the lady. I picked a nice looking latina and waited my turn. I went in, handed her my $10 through a little hole at the top and dropped my trousers. Being a bit shy, and not entirely comfortable, my little soldier wasn't standing to it's fullest attention and I felt a little embarrassed. Being a bit tight fisted (so to speak) I didn't like the idea of wasting $30 with no end result, so I persevered and went at it a bit harder than I usually do (I like to take my time usually). SUCCESS! Despite my faecal abnormalities, I beat the timer. Only, due to the way I was going at it, it went everywhere. On the floor, all over my hand and on the glass. She gave me a wry smile and I awkwardly said "have you got a tissue?", her reply "I've just ran out, I'll go and get you some". Before I had time to object she opens her door and exits. And leaves the door open where all the other gents are queuing waiting there turn, and are now looking at me with cock in hand and sploodge decorating my section of the booth. Of course, they end up in fits of laughter. Me, well I just don't know where to turn or what to do. Luckily she's back by this point, passes the tissues through the same hole as the money and I clean myself up. I then have to walk past these guys, who cheer and pat my back as I walk past, head down, fast paced and face brighter than an embarrassed ginger.


I didn't return.

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